TISND Chapter 164

Chapter 164

Helena stared at him intently, waiting silently for a response. Caligo, who had been hesitating, finally made up his mind to speak. But it wasn’t easy.

Where should he even begin? After a long pause, Caligo finally opened his mouth.

“I didn’t find the antidote.”

“…I see.”

“I expected that,” she said in a calm tone, as if she were listening to someone else’s story. But to Caligo, she seemed disappointed.

“But I did find a treatment to remove the Asehimmo toxin from the body.”

“…”

“I’m not sure if I can call it a treatment, though.”

“Wait, wait a minute. You found a treatment?”

“…Yes.”

Hearing that he had found a treatment, but seeing Caligo’s still tense expression, Helena seemed suspicious. Caligo slowly began to explain the method he had heard about at the research facility, making sure not to let her feel confused for too long.

Helena’s expression became even more pale than when he had looked at her in the research facility. She seemed shocked. But he couldn’t stop now. She needed to know this. Yet every word he spoke felt painful. She had already suffered once at his hands. Now, it felt as if he were asking her for permission to hurt her again, a terrible feeling.

“I see. Now I understand why you were so cautious about speaking. Calling it a treatment… it’s a dangerous method.”

After a moment of thought, she continued.

“So, I think it’s better not to do it. Besides, you said you can’t be sure it’ll work. I don’t take gambles like that.”

“…”

“Asehimmo kills without pain, right? That’s enough for me. I’m not afraid of death. I’ve accepted it. I have no regrets. Dying like this feels almost like a luxury.”

Rather than persuading Caligo, she kept talking as if she were convincing herself.

“Besides, what’s the point in surviving like this? It doesn’t seem all that valuable. Who would benefit from me surviving?”

Caligo had intended to respect whatever decision she made, to speak his mind, knowing how painful the treatment was. He had thought that if she refused the treatment out of fear, he would accept her decision.

But after hearing her words about how no one would benefit from her surviving, Caligo’s thoughts changed. He realized that, deep down, he desperately wanted her to live.

“Why do you say that?”

“…I’ve told you before. I’m Eskel. I’m grateful you’ve found a treatment for me. I’m thankful for all the time you’ve spent on me. But there’s no reason to go this far just to survive.”

“…”

“I don’t want to live by clinging to others. I really don’t.”

“Is that really the only reason you don’t want to live?”

Caligo took a deep breath.

“Helena, do you want to know what I’m thinking right now?”

“…”

“I’ve thought about this a lot before bringing it up to you. I know any choice you make won’t be easy, and I vowed to respect your decision.”

But…

“After hearing you say you don’t want to cling to others, I found myself wanting you to live.”

“…”

“You’ve never clung to me, Helena. Not once…”

It was me who ran away from you. He could feel his throat burn, as if it had been scorched. Caligo tried to calm the rising emotions. Unseized opportunities. Mistakes he had made with her. Time that had slipped away uncontrollably. But in all the opportunities he had been given, it was always Helena who had suffered and been hurt. And the thought that she was still suffering now made his heart ache terribly.

How could she talk about dying just because she didn’t want to cling to someone? How could she still worry about others in a situation like this?

Finally, Caligo couldn’t hold back his overflowing emotions and pleaded.

“I won’t ask for a chance. I won’t ask you to forgive me.”

“…”

“Whenever you start to hate me, you can curse me, you can hit me.”

“…”

“I’ll do whatever you tell me. If you tell me to leave, I’ll leave. I can do anything you want. But…”

“I want you to live,” Caligo said.

“I’ve done nothing but wrong to you until now, and I know this treatment will bring you pain, but cowardly as I am, I just want you to live.”

“Didn’t you ever hate me?” Helena asked in a trembling voice.

“Not once.”

At his answer, a myriad of emotions flickered in her eyes. But why? She seemed to be asking that with her gaze. Doubt, resentment, sadness… Eventually, it turned into resignation. Perhaps she knew why he had treated her the way he did. With that, she bit her lip, looked at him with resentment, and finally turned her head away.

“I know. I can hate you for the rest of my life because of it.” Caligo said as he watched Helena fully turn away from him. That was the extent of their conversation. Instead, Caligo took a letter out of his pocket and placed it in front of her.

“The knights found this in a drawer that had been abandoned during their search of the Count’s manor.”

Caligo, bitter from the sight of Helena completely turning away from him, placed the letter on the nightstand.

***

Maybe there’s a chance I could survive. After hearing Aiden’s words that there was no antidote, Helena had accepted death at that point. She had convinced herself that it was only right for her to die. But when Caligo told her that a treatment had been found, she faltered for a moment.

…Maybe she wanted to live after all. She had believed she had fully accepted death, but deep down, perhaps she had always wanted to live. Even though she was someone who only brought harm to others, even though the world hated her, she still wanted to live. She didn’t want to die like this. There was so much more she wanted to do…

However, the treatment Caligo mentioned was a long and painful process. There was no guarantee it would work. She would have to take poison, cut her body, take medicine… Could she endure such a grueling process?

She was afraid. She didn’t want to hurt any more. She was scared. Dying this way might not be so bad after all.

…But. Maybe she could survive. If she could escape this tiresome bed life, if she could play with the children again. If she could live the simple life she had always dreamed of, just like she did in Horion.

No, even if she survived, she couldn’t be with the children. She had been abandoned by the world from the beginning. Back and forth like this. Her mind was a mess. Her decisions crumbled and were rebuilt every minute, every second.

Then, suddenly, she remembered the letter that Caligo had left behind. If it had been found at the Count’s manor, whose letter could it be? The Count? Or perhaps his wife? Or maybe it was Rosalith?

The envelope was thick. It looked like it contained over ten pages of small, densely written text. The letter was very old and crumpled. Since it was found in the Count’s secret compartment, Helena wondered if it might be a letter from her father, so she decided to read it. But it wasn’t a letter from her father. It was a letter from someone she didn’t know—someone whose face and name she didn’t recognize. But she had a feeling she knew who it was from.

It was from her biological mother. In fact, it was less of a letter and more like a pregnancy journal. The early parts described in detail the swelling belly and various symptoms she experienced with each moon cycle. There were stories about suffering from morning sickness and, later, cravings for food from the West.

As time went on, the writing shifted from symptoms to inner feelings: excitement, happiness, anticipation, affection, joy, hope…

[I hope the child looks like me.]
[I wonder what they’ll look like.]

As time went on, she also wrote messages to someone.

[I’m from a coastal village, so I’m very good at swimming. When you’re born, I’ll teach you to swim.]

[Let’s go see the sea and walk on the white sandy beach together.]

Helena couldn’t help but shed tears as she read the hopeful words written with such enthusiasm. The Count’s wife had once told her that her biological mother had abandoned her. That’s why Helena had always believed there was no one who loved her. She had thought that being alone in the world since birth was only natural.

But…

“…It wasn’t true.”

At least, there had been someone who loved her. There had been someone who had waited for her to be born.

“Mom…”

“Mom, Mom, my Mom.” Helena whispered the name she had never spoken before as she ran her hand over the letter. Her fingertips, feeling almost numb as if her soul was imprinting the words, lingered on the page for a long while.

Mom. Each time she said that name, an inexplicable tightness filled her chest.

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