Death. At that ominous word, Kisa sharply drew in her breath.
She should have simply picked up the notebook, but without realizing why, she knelt on the floor and covered it with her hands.
Death. Mother’s death. The cat’s death.
The deaths of those who had been close to Kisa throughout her life flashed through her mind in succession.
Fear overwhelmed her—the fear of having seen something she shouldn’t have.
How foolish! Just hours after hearing a monk’s confession, she was about to make the same mistake.
‘No, it’s not too late yet.’
Let’s pretend I didn’t see it.
Close the notebook, erase that sentence from memory, and return to the capital.
Then, when she meets Seyard, she would return this, saying it was something Brother Makkio had asked her to deliver to him.
That would be the end of it. She made a slight mistake, but she could still end this in a relatively innocent state.
That surely must be the right answer.
Brother Makkio must have confessed his sins in detail and entrusted the notebook to Kisa as a lesson not to pry into others’ secrets.
Mentally repeating that this was the right thing to do, Kisa tried to put her plan into action.
But strangely, her hands wouldn’t move.
Her hands remained firmly attached to the notebook, refusing to let go.
A doubt suddenly arose.
‘Is that really true?’
Why had Brother Makkio specifically entrusted this notebook to Kisa?
To Kisa, who had been asking around about Seyard.
As if throwing her an answer.
If he had wanted to, couldn’t he have found many ways to return the diary to his former disciple without going through Kisa?
For example, couldn’t he simply leave the monastery, go to the capital, visit the Duke of Hillan’s residence, meet Seyard, and hand it over?
If Seyard refused to meet him, couldn’t he ask Gilliam to deliver it?
Though it would still involve a third party, wouldn’t a servant who had devoted his entire life to the ducal family be more trustworthy than the fiancée of a disciple he had only known for a few months?
‘Perhaps…’
What Brother Makkio intended to convey to Kisa through this notebook might not be a lesson but something else.
Perhaps the actual answer.
Something that would reveal who Seyard really was.
But Kisa soon shook her head.
That was too sensitive a thought.
If he truly wanted to give Kisa the answer, couldn’t he just have told her honestly?
Let’s understand the facts as they are.
Brother Makkio had simply confessed his sin and entrusted the notebook to Kisa.
But just as her heart began to lean one way, something else sprang up on the opposite side.
‘Would Brother Makkio have trusted my conscience?’
Even he, whom all the monastery monks unanimously praised as excellent, couldn’t resist temptation and had read someone else’s diary.
Wouldn’t he have anticipated that someone like Kisa would naturally succumb to temptation and handed over the notebook?
Ah, I really don’t know!
Kisa struggled intensely for a while, trying to determine what the answer was, but soon realized this wasn’t a matter of finding the right answer.
She wasn’t looking for the correct answer but was conflicted between her desire to read Seyard’s diary and her desire to remain innocent.
Brother Makkio’s true intentions were merely an excuse to rationalize her own desires.
So Kisa deliberated on which of the two desires she should choose.
After a long while, one side finally won.
Curiosity was the victor.
Very slowly, Kisa moved her hands away from the notebook.
[Since coming here, there hadn’t been a single day when I hadn’t thought about death.]
That sentence remained exactly as she had first seen it, without a single change.
She wanted to apologize to Seyard, but that would be nothing more than deception.
With a burning thirst, Kisa lowered her gaze. Several more sentences followed.
[It was also my own death, but mostly the deaths of others.
The death of Brother Makkio, who imposed his distorted faith.
The death of the abbot, obsessed only with the money from the Hillan family.
The death of the arrogant and stupid Cobi.
Death upon death…
But even those are minor compared to the deaths of those who threw me into this filthy place.
The deaths of parents who, as parents, abandoned their child, fooled by worthless superstitions.
The deaths of relatives who don’t know their place and cause trouble.
The deaths of servants who forcibly dragged a child out of his room yet looked sympathetic.
And the death of my brother, Vischer.]
With trembling hands, Kisa turned the page.
Though it didn’t seem to continue directly, similar sentiments followed.
[I think about you every day, Vischer.
We have the same face, the same build, the same abilities.
Why do you have everything while I have nothing?
Just because you were born a few minutes earlier than me?
Because I’m the seed of misfortune according to that ridiculous superstition?
While I’m locked up here suffering, you’ll naturally be the proud son of our parents.
Naturally receiving the service of servants.
Naturally going wherever you want.
Naturally eating quality food.
Naturally receiving education as the heir.
Naturally inheriting the position of duke.
Naturally owning vast wealth.
Naturally marrying and forming a family.
Naturally not feeling particularly grateful for all that you have.
Because you’ve had those rights from the beginning and will continue to have them.]
Kisa turned one more page.
[I will never accept this.
So I’ll take it all away.
Everything you have.
No, even the things you don’t have.]
There were a few more sentences, but most were heavily crossed out with black ink, making the content unreadable.
Only two sentences remained legible.
[The things you wanted but couldn’t have.
I’ll have them all.]
After staring blankly at these two sentences for a moment, Kisa quickly turned the page.
However, almost all the remaining pages were blank, or only had simple curses or a few names that had appeared earlier.
After checking the contents several times,
Kisa closed Seyard’s diary.
She was simply exhausted.
****
The next day, Kisa woke up, tossed in bed for a while, then reluctantly got up.
There was no reason to stay here any longer.
She told Lily to prepare for their return to the capital.
Since they had already fulfilled the purpose of coming here—visiting the monastery—Lily followed Kisa’s orders without any particular response.
The return journey passed more quickly than expected.
Already they were back in the capital.
The Hillan ducal carriage dropped Kisa off at the Vansfelt mansion.
Returning home after a long time, Kisa collapsed into bed and fell asleep.
She slept for almost two straight days.
Half-asleep, she heard her nanny murmuring that she must have accumulated fatigue from traveling.
Even after waking up, she still felt drained of energy.
Using rest as an excuse, Kisa wasted time idling in her room.
Then one day, someone came from the Hillan ducal residence.
Seyard, who had gone down to the estate, was due to return to the capital.
Reading his brief letter inviting her to dinner on the day of his return, Kisa fell into thought.
Time passed quickly, and the day of his arrival in the capital came.
The Hillan ducal carriage arrived to pick her up at the appointed time, and she boarded it, heading toward the now familiar place.
The servants of the ducal residence guided her not to the dining room or reception room, but to the duke’s bedroom.
It was the first time this had happened, but Kisa followed them quietly without expressing any doubt.
When she finally opened the door and entered Seyard’s bedroom.
“Welcome, Kisa.”
Seyard, wearing comfortable indoor clothes with his hair still slightly damp as if he had just washed it, greeted her.
“This is your first time here, isn’t it? I had been thinking I should invite you sometime.”
Upon seeing him, Kisa came to a sudden halt.
The anxiety that had been dormant within her for the past few days began to surge.
Since reading his diary, she had been struggling with how to process it.
In one sense, it seemed like a terrifying record filled with long-held grudges and murderous intent, but in another sense, it seemed like the screams of an adolescent boy who had endured trials too difficult to bear on his own.
Seyard seemed both frightening and pitiful.
“Is something wrong?”
Looking at the man who was worriedly examining her strange reaction, Kisa became desperately curious.
Did he still harbor those feelings from that day?
Or, as he had said before, had he resolved the past and was living a new life?
She barely moved her lips.
“Um, Seyard.”
“Yes, go on.”
But no words would come out.
She had no idea how to begin the conversation.
Seyard wrapped his hands around her trembling shoulders as if to comfort her.
“Oh dear, I had something important to tell you today, but it seems I’ll have to postpone it.”
“What?”
Only after reflexively asking did Kisa remember what had happened before she left for Bonzmos.
[Kisa, I have something important to tell you the next time we meet.]
Ah, that’s right. That had happened.
She had completely erased it from her memory.
Feeling sorry about that fact, Kisa shook her head.
“No, tell me now.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I want to hear it now.”
In truth, she wanted to calm her racing emotions by listening to his composed voice.
If she could do that, Kisa thought she might naturally be able to confess about the diary and ask him honestly.
Are you still trapped in the past?
“What is this important thing you need to tell me?”
“Kisa.”
His reddish-brown eyes gazed directly at her.
His well-shaped lips parted.
“I love you.”
Before Kisa could comprehend the meaning of those words, the face before her slowly approached.
And something soft touched her lips.
Only after some time passed did Kisa realize that she was kissing him.
Is… Is she actually holding his anger at his abandonment against him?