The lights went out early in the newlyweds’ room. Peon, who had turned off all the lights, thought of the Emperor’s spies who might be watching from beyond the curtains and windows. Not just outside the windows. They’d be outside that door too.
He looked at Kaela, who had completely disappeared under the blanket. Well, it was more accurate to say he looked at the lump of blankets, but even daring to look felt sinful, so he averted his gaze again.
She was seven years younger, a sister he had held hands with since they were toddlers. A sister should remain a sister. He needed to get a grip.
But why did Kaela just slip into bed regardless of his presence? She even changed her way of speaking right after getting married, but showed no awareness of the fact that they were alone in the bedroom.
‘Was she still that innocent?’
Was she? He wasn’t sure. He had waited as long as possible and slipped in when he thought Kaela had fallen asleep.
It was his mistake to overlook that ladies’ preparations always take much longer than one expects. His heart sank when he saw Kaela sprawled on the bed, but she was even still awake.
She said she was tired. Understandably so. Her voice was nearly gone, and her ankles and feet were swollen under the white nightgown she had carefully put on. It was pitiful.
Though he understood she was tired, it was peculiar how the princess had sprawled out so carelessly. Wasn’t she afraid of him? Surely she must have received education about the wedding night.
No, no. Peon shook his head. With all the fuss Beatrice had made, the princess might have completely given up thinking about marital relations.
In their previous marriage, they had no marital relations at all. More precisely, Peon had left her alone to “maintain his fidelity and chastity,” and Kaela had been humiliated and called “a wooden block, not even a woman” because of it.
‘That kind of talk must never happen again.’
It absolutely must not happen. It would be better if rumors spread that he couldn’t perform properly.
And that would give Kaela a legitimate reason for divorce later. If anyone was to be pointed at in this marriage, it had to be Peon. He would never repeat the same mistake.
He turned his back to Kaela and sat down on the floor, not on the bed. The presence he felt behind him was pitifully fragile, and at the same time, so fragile it frightened him.
Yes, it was frightening to carefully protect someone he had once thoroughly broken, without causing a single wound. For someone who had only known how to break things and would have to wage war ruthlessly in the future, Kaela was an extremely perplexing existence.
He sat there in the darkness, mulling over his sins again and again. For a very long time. Until Kaela, who had been lying still as death, finally made a rustling sound.
‘My feet hurt.’
The soles of her feet were burning, and her calves were aching belatedly. Even her thigh muscles were screaming. It was too painful and throbbing. Moreover, she had been lying on her side without moving for a long time, conscious of Peon, so her whole body was numb.
‘Should I pretend to be sleep-talking and turn over? Pretend it’s a sleeping habit? What should I do?’
Ah. How did she end up having to worry about such things? Just as she was getting too concerned about why that man was sitting below the bed without moving, her crossed legs slipped. The thinned spring blanket rustled.
Kaela unknowingly held her breath. She thought she heard something.
Light footsteps approached and stopped in front of her as she desperately pretended to be asleep. She also heard something heavy being set down on the floor. Then he sat down close by.
“Kaela.”
Tension crept up from her waist at the low voice, but she didn’t move a muscle.
“I know you’re not sleeping, open your eyes.”
At his words saying she “can’t” sleep rather than “isn’t” sleeping, Kaela had no choice but to open her eyes. A quiet and polite gaze, as composed as his voice that seemed to know everything, was looking at her.
He had pulled up a chair and was sitting by the bed.
“Listen to me carefully.”
What is he going to do? Kaela sat up.
“If we don’t resolve this now, you’ll have trouble sleeping tonight, and you’ll be in pain again tomorrow. The day after tomorrow, you’ll hurt even more, combining tomorrow’s pain. And you’ll swell up again on the way to Lusenford.”
Hands that were originally long and delicate but had grown thick and calloused from wielding a sword were quietly placed on the blanket. Beneath that blanket lay legs that were crying out in pain from swelling.
Kaela bowed her head deeply.
“I was thoughtless. I’m sorry.”
She realized he meant that if the Grand Duchess fell ill on the way to Lusenford, it would delay the procession that much.
Kaela hurriedly pulled back the blanket and began to massage her legs. The refined hands of a noblewoman, unused to giving massages, clumsily pressed over her nightgown.
An old habit emerged. Watching for reactions, adjusting her behavior in hope of just one glance, striving to be helpful rather than a hindrance – the painful one-sided love.
Hence the feeling of embarrassment and apology for causing trouble. It’s a harmful emotion that makes her forget her countless resolutions to stop, no matter how many times she decides to quit.
‘I clearly resolved not to care.’
But why did she apologize, feeling ashamed and sorry? It could happen! He’s someone else’s man anyway, so what does it matter if he thinks poorly of her? She berated herself while rubbing her sore spots.
“No, that’s not what I meant by being thoughtless.”
Peon, clearly looking perplexed, rubbed his mouth and stopped her clumsy hands. Even in stopping her, he didn’t dare touch her. Everything was cautious in their wedding chamber. He approached nearby and said gently, making eye contact.
“I meant I want to help because the upcoming schedule will be tough. I was asking for your understanding. I’ll do it for you.”
She had no immunity to such gentle words she had never heard before. Kaela shook her head.
“I, I can do it myself.”
She couldn’t accept his offer. Or rather, she knew she shouldn’t accept it anymore and was trying to keep her wits about her. Her hands involuntarily pressed harder on her calves, causing the bones to protrude whitely.
“Kaela.”
Unlike her, who was trying hard to act like a proper Grand Duchess, he continued to address her casually. He wasn’t matching her formal speech pattern now as he usually did.
“You’ll only hurt your hands more that way.”
He seemed to be the only one at ease. Of course, Kaela was the only one trembling in fear and watching for reactions.
“I’ll do it in a way that won’t make you uncomfortable.”
He carefully asked for permission.
“If it’s unpleasant, kick me away.”
There was no way Kaela could kick Peon away. Looking troubled, Kaela put down her aching hands for now.
“Relax.”
She nodded reluctantly, averting her gaze. His large hands arranged the blanket, covering her up to her knees as if to say he would only press up to there.
Then he started pressing firmly from near her knees on her thighs. As the tightly knotted muscles began to creak, Kaela involuntarily groaned and gripped the blanket tightly. It hurt so much!
“Does it hurt? I’m sorry. I’ll be gentler.”
Peon, flustered by the small princess’s painful whimpers despite his effort to be gentle, eased up even more.
“No, it’s fine, it’s fine.”
Everything was fine. This absurd situation where he was suddenly massaging her legs, the fact that she ended up married and destined to die – it was all fine.
There was no use in pouring her heart into anything. So it was fine. She didn’t want to attach meaning to his consideration and kind gestures.
“Still.”
On their wedding night, while massaging his new bride’s legs, he spoke very calmly and composedly.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?”
It was a slightly humorous joke. But his large hands, slightly warmer than normal body temperature, touched her legs without any ulterior motives. Yes. It seems he really just wanted to help.
Kaela was glad she had reminded herself not to attach meaning to anything related to Peon. Then she groaned, letting go of even that thought as the pain came.
She had walked for so long with her whole body tense that her stiffened muscles screamed with each press. Kaela furrowed her brow and gripped the blanket as if tearing it.
“Take deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, exhale deeply through your mouth. It’ll help.”
It did help a little. But then she forgot to breathe again and had to bite her lower lip.
Sweat beaded slightly on her temples, and her stretched legs sometimes fluttered in Peon’s large hands. Each time, he gently grasped her slender ankles and pulled softly to soothe her.
“Breathe, Kaela.”
He spoke almost in a whisper. His firm thumb pressed into her shin. As the pain made her vision go white, the areas his fingers passed over felt light and cool, so Kaela simply entrusted everything to him.
“Bear with the pain a little. It’s better to get it all out now, even for later.”
His purple eyes seemed to look at her with some pity. No, that must be her imagination. It should be her imagination.
His hands calmly, or perhaps mercilessly, moved down to her feet. It hurt so much that she wished he would stop, but Peon sighed as he pressed the small foot that fit entirely in his hand.
“No wonder it hurts so much, walking so long on these feet.”
“I didn’t walk that lo— Aah…!”
Her words weren’t even finished before a groan interrupted. Could this really hurt so much?
Some say the wedding night is for forming a bond, others say it’s for discovering pleasure, but on Kaela’s first wedding night, she had been left alone, and on her second, she felt a strange pain she had never experienced before. It was a pain mixed with pleasure, as it left her feeling much lighter afterwards.
“Don’t clutch the blanket, hold onto me.”
