What Kaela wanted wasn’t anything like a positive life. What she desired was death, and it would have ended if she had just carried it out.
But then Peon barged into her life uninvited and made her desire for death grow dim. And then he kept making her cry and get angry. It was all too cumbersome, burdensome, annoying, and difficult.
Hadn’t she cried in Lusenford? Hadn’t she gotten angry? She had done it all before.
She had done it all, but gradually she became the strange one and was attacked instead. In short, all of Kaela’s anger, indignation, and sadness were ‘not justified.’ But now they’re saying it’s justified, so cry and get angry?
“Shall we go out, Kaela?”
Who are you to say that? You, who still calls Beatrice Ravalley by her first name, Beatrice – who are you to stop me from dying when all I want to do is accept things and end it?
“Is there anywhere you’d like to go?”
How far did you go with Beatrice Ravalley? What kind of relationship did you have? Questions she seemed to already know the answers to suddenly emerged.
I shouldn’t ask such things. Kaela, confined in the northern tower, crouched down and tilted her head. She had no right to ask, and terrible things would happen if she did.
Oppa will be angry. He’ll hate me. I shouldn’t ask. That’s something precious between just the two of them. I wasn’t given permission. What a bad girl for liking someone who belongs to another.
Why was she suddenly pulling out these old emotions?
But he’s my husband? …I wish he would hurt just as much as I did.
Useless and pointless words that were even malicious. Being pointless, repeating them would only eat away at her. Kaela quickly erased the thought.
“It’s hot, isn’t it?”
“Because it’s hot.”
He spoke very simply. Kaela kept her mouth tightly shut and just blinked her eyes.
Does she not want to go? Is she annoyed because of the banquet and such?
However, while Peon was watching her reactions, he didn’t withdraw his suggestion to go out.
Having kept the young lady who grew up freely in the South confined in Lusenford for four years, feeling terrible for ultimately imprisoning her, he wanted to take her anywhere.
Has she grown tired of going places with him? He hadn’t shown her all of the jewel-filled room in the dragon’s lair last time – should he take her to see the rest? Though he had saved it for a special occasion, should they go today?
He felt anxious in front of the silent Kaela. She suddenly stood up and left. Does this mean she doesn’t want to go out with her husband at all? That couldn’t be it.
The small feet in summer indoor slippers returned silently. Peon, who had been listening to her approaching heartbeat, looked at his wife who had reappeared.
She was holding a wide-brimmed white hat firmly with both hands. The yellow ribbon attached to the hat fluttered. Peon pressed his lips together.
“Can I wear this…!”
Peon could only nod without answering. He couldn’t part his lips. But his mouth corners and cheekbones were already twitching.
“If I just left without saying anything, I couldn’t wear it. This one you ordered recently…”
That too was something Peon had separately chosen and ordered.
“You liked it.”
Kaela nodded vigorously. Everyone has their preferred attire, and in Kaela’s case, it was this wide-brimmed hat with yellow strings that tied under the chin.
“Anything else?”
Peon had already failed at holding back his smile.
“Anything else you need to bring? Want to wear clothes you like?”
“Clothes…, no.”
“Didn’t we order some together?”
Kaela, who seemed embarrassed and wouldn’t meet his eyes while shaking her head earnestly, finally looked exactly her age of twenty-one. Peon bent his knee to approach her who was only looking down. Looking up from below, he could finally see her eyes.
“Is there nowhere you want to go?”
His large hand wrapped around the yellow ribbon.
“…I want to go to Belzebiere Park.”
It was a park in the middle of Craine with many trees and paths wide enough to ride horses on. It was also where nobles would all go out for walks during the cool mornings or pleasant evenings.
“Oh?”
It wasn’t anywhere special, just an ordinary place where everyone went. Peon extended his hand to her.
“Let’s go.”
The moment she took his hand, Kaela was wearing a white summer dress that slightly revealed her shoulders, with a wide yellow ribbon of the same material as the hat’s ribbon tied to the dress.
Citrine earrings crafted in flower shapes dangled at her ears. The fabric was so light that the feeling of it wrapping around her legs wasn’t unpleasant.
“This way there’s no need to order clothes separately, right?”
“We’ll keep ordering separately to explore various designs.”
Kaela walked out, admiring the flowing sleeve treatment and delicate pleats.
“Where did you learn such things?”
“Mother.”
Ah, Her Majesty the Empress. Kaela nodded. Though it was difficult to meet her even at official events, the Empress had been famous for dressing well even before marriage.
“Flowers too.”
“Hm?”
A very fresh bouquet of coral, pink, and subtle cream-colored peonies was suddenly held out. After receiving them somewhat bewilderedly, when she went out the door, they were already at Belzebiere Park.
Is it okay to go out like this? Kaela looked around and hurriedly checked her shoes. The comfortable indoor slippers had already changed into low-heeled shoes with ribbons.
“You should wear your hat.”
Ah, right. Kaela quickly put on the hat. She heard a low laugh from above but pretended not to hear it.
Even in the hot afternoon, Belzebiere Park was full of nobles coming to rest in the shade of trees.
On the well-maintained park paths, gentlemen on horseback showed off their stylish attire as they passed one by one, and ladies with elaborate parasols and dresses, and hats of various colors gathered in groups beside them.
Wait a moment. Was her outfit too much like a free-spirited southern lady for Belzebiere Park, the pinnacle of latest fashion?
“Pretty.”
Peon smiled slightly at her wearing the hat. Kaela followed him, fidgeting with the ribbon.
Today the weather was bright, and with low humidity, it was nice for walking in the shade.
The park was full of leisurely nobles who had come out to the Ener River and park to enjoy the refreshing summer. They gathered in small groups, spreading blankets to bask in the sunlight, sitting at chess tables to play chess, or reading books.
It was said that marriages and affairs happened and politics were rewritten at Belzebiere Park and along the Ener River.
Couples sat together in tree shadows, and diplomats fresh from meetings could be seen walking along the lake, heads together in discussion. Swans glided gracefully on the lake.
“What did you want to do in the park?”
“Just…”
It wasn’t anything special. Walking in Belzebiere Park was something any noble would do. Kaela hadn’t done it. She had walked here with her father when she came to Craine, but never with Peon.
So this was a twisted compensation psychology and secret vanity. It was vanity wanting to appear properly as a couple with him in front of others, and a desire for the proper treatment as a wife that she hadn’t received throughout their entire married life.
“I see.”
Just that, is it. Peon nodded and took Kaela’s hand again, which had left his while she put on her hat. Since the day she said it hurt when he interlocked their fingers, he never did so again.
However, despite the hot summer, he held her hand as if engulfing it completely within his, keeping it inside his hand. Sometimes he even held her wrist together. Unlike in Lusenford, his hand was cool and dry.
“Good day, Your Highnesses the Grand Duke, the Grand Duchess.”
They were probably the highest-ranking nobles in Belzebiere Park right now. Gentlemen on horseback stopped briefly to remove their hats and offer greetings.
“Hello, Your Highnesses the Grand Duke, the Grand Duchess.”
Peon, in cool summer formal wear from visiting the palace, was every inch the sophisticated Craine gentleman. Kaela noticed there were quite a lot of young men who looked at him with admiring eyes.
So what about the women then? The gazes from ladies gathered under trees, each dressed brilliantly, were piercing.
Peon, receiving those gazes, merely accepted greetings without stopping to chat with the gentlemen. He held Kaela’s hand firmly and stayed in the shade.
“Tell me if you’re hot or tired.”
“I’m fine.”
Kaela answered quietly and glanced at him. Was he uncomfortable with this situation, with women staring entranced and constantly smiling without realizing it?
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“It’s hot…, and there are too many people.”
“You need to walk a bit.”
From Lusenford until now, Peon, who was sensitive about Kaela’s health, seemed determined to faithfully make Kaela take a walk today too. They walked in the cool, breezy shade without saying anything.
“Is that the Grand Duke of Lusenford?”
“Yes. What’s he doing here when they say it’s hard to even see his face once in Craine unless you’re a high-ranking noble?”
“Things change after marriage.”
“How can someone look like that?”
Exclamations could be heard from everywhere.
“Marriage is amazing indeed. They say a mistress can’t beat the legal wife after all.”
“Oh my, what if they hear!”
“They can’t hear from this distance.”
Kaela, whose hearing had become sharp from living in Lusenford, heard it all. She stopped walking.
“Why, do your legs hurt?”
“Yes. I want to sit for a bit.”
Peon nodded and wrapped his arm around her waist, taking her to a large tree where no one was sitting.
Then he took off his jacket, spread it on the grass, and had Kaela sit. Walking far enough to turn their backs to the people and trees, they were now free from people’s gazes.
But when hidden from view, voices discussing them naturally grew louder.
“Come to think of it, the Princess of Ostein has quite a personality too. Look how she immediately came out with her husband as soon as there were rumors about Monde Castle being taken over. It’s like saying ‘he’s my husband now.'”
Feeling somehow it hit right on the mark, Kaela’s ears turned red.
It had nothing to do with Monde Castle being taken over, but she had wanted to visit this place frequented by couples and lovers with him at least once. It seems her intentions were too transparent to others.
“Oh, how can you say such things? You can’t even mention Monde anymore. There are even rumors going around that Duke Monde is dead now. They say there’s a rumor that Duke Monde died because of debt but they covered it up.”
“How awful!”
“I wonder if the Grand Duke of Lusenford knew? They say they were so close.”
Kaela knew that better than those people. She sat hugging her knees and glanced at Peon.
“Is it too noisy?”
His purple eyes seemed to ask ‘Should I make them all quiet?’ so Kaela deliberately pretended not to hear and shook her head.
“It’s quiet. Nice.”
In reality, her mind was restless.
“Of course. The Duke of Monde’s daughter, that woman and the Grand Duke were childhood friends. They knew each other since they were young.”
“My goodness, with such an indecent woman…”
“Well, the Grand Duke was probably similar from a young age. It’s quite something. And then to get such a quiet and wealthy young lady as his wife.”
The words that occasionally carried on the wind to Kaela’s ears were all familiar ones.
She felt sorry for Peon who would have to hear such words for the rest of his life, but ultimately Kaela couldn’t help but focus on her own wounds. People are inherently selfish.
“Having learned well from his mistress, he must be excellent at seducing innocent young ladies. What couldn’t the Grand Duke do after learning from ‘that’ Lady Ravalley?”
Those words stabbed deep into Kaela’s heart. They triggered thoughts she had been trying so hard not to think. She thinks about it with everything they do.
Had Peon walked in Belzebiere Park with Beatrice? This was where ladies deliberately took their husbands’ arms and walked around for show.
Did he spread his jacket on the ground for Beatrice too? Was Peon’s influence the reason Beatrice dressed so impressively? He always held her hand tenderly while walking, right?
She was thinking again the thoughts that had eaten away at her and ultimately driven her to death from exhaustion. Having turned away from death, she was back at square one. How did it come to this?
“How was your visit to the palace?”
Kaela asked Peon to forcibly break her train of thought.
“Our Emperor now says he wants to wage war with the dragon.”
War? With the dragon? When that absolutely forbidden word popped out, she reflexively grabbed Peon’s clothes. Her mind went blank in an instant. Kaela looked around and whispered.
“Are you leading the vanguard?”
That the first words that came out without hesitation were ultimately the cause of everything. She knows that Peon didn’t deliberately create the rumors and people’s words that make Kaela sad and hurt, that he really did things unwillingly.
Even when she tries to focus on just her own wounds while ignoring that fact, she ultimately can’t, and that’s how they got here.
Sometimes she wants to give up everything because she hates herself for being like this, but in the end what catches her eye is Peon’s wellbeing, and what ultimately calms her heart is the magic spell of ‘it wasn’t intentional.’
Are you the same? It was so sad and heartbreaking that she always reached this conclusion in the end, and Kaela kept wanting to confirm. She wanted to confirm how much he loved her, to be acknowledged as someone very special, to be compensated for the past years.
