While You're In Love

Suddenly, my eyes widened.

Clattering.

I heard the sound of something collapsing.

I knew what it was. It was the walls of my heart that I had been building up.

The walls I’d built up over the years of being beaten, bullied and abused.

The wall, which I thought was solid, collapsed completely with just one sentence.

I realized.

I was lonely. That’s why I was so easily moved. That’s why I liked people so easily.

‘Is that really all it is?’

If someone else had said the same thing, would I have reacted so defenselessly?

Would I have been so helpless if it was someone else, not Aslan Tordell…….

I got clearly aware of my heart that day which I had been trying to deny all along .

I tried not to love him, but I already did.

I didn’t know when, maybe the first day I met him, the first time he called me.

But such a trifle thing didn’t matter.

The thing is, I ended up falling in love with Aslan.

I was in the midst of an unrequited love for a man who would, in the not-too-distant future, be passionately in love with another woman.

That fact tormented me.

I wanted to avoid it at all costs because I knew the misery that was about to come…….

But it was impossible not to love him.

Fortunately, every moment was not tormenting.

Living next to him as the Duchess of Tordell made my memory worse. I forgot my humble beginnings, I forgot my true identity.

I muttered to myself often saying, ‘Maybe it’s okay the way it is right now.’

Sometimes I wondered if he felt the same way.

I thought and thought and thought. The kind words, the small favors, the smiles, the thoughtful gifts he gave me.

But then I realized.

He never once told me he liked me, or that he loved me.

Rather, he said this so that I wouldn’t misunderstand if I was going to be mistaken.

[People will definitely think that we are a couple who care and love each other.]

No matter what others call us, at least we both know that it’s all lies.

He reminded me that our relationship is not pure and that a three-year contract is barely connecting us.

In other words, everything he did for me was done out of mere human goodwill.

Just like in the novel, and just like what I felt from our first meeting. He was a naturally good man, a giving man.

He regularly sent money to almshouses to sponsor children and was willing to open warehouses for starving people when there was a bad harvest.

He was a man of great charity, and marrying me would be just another part of that charity.

‘……So let’s have no illusions.’

Recalling that fact, I steeled myself. I even slapped myself until my cheeks were red and screamed at myself to get a grip.

But as time went by, such attempts diminished after living for more than two years as his wife.

As I smiled back at Aslan, who beamed at me, I thought to myself, ‘I’m so glad that I’m your wife.’

Wouldn’t it be okay to not wake up from this sweet dream-like reality for the rest of my life?

Yeah. There was a time when I thought so.

But from that very day on, the memory of the ‘original’ popped into my head from time to time.

As if to remind me not to forget my place.

“The Duke and Duchess of Tordell have divorced.”

Everyone who heard the news couldn’t believe it.

But in the ever-gossipy world of society, the Duke and Duchess of Tordell’s divorce was forgotten within three days.

With their hostess gone, the Tordell estate was briefly thrown into turmoil, but it didn’t take long for things to settle down again. The person they’d been with for three years disappeared, but nothing changed.

However, for Rosalyn, the divorce of the Duke and his wife made a big difference.

She spent more time with Aslan.

He was affectionate and thoughtful. He took the time to meet her, laughed often, and gave her gifts.

Aslan treated Rosalyn that way as if they were just starting a relationship.

This made her happy. She felt like a beloved woman.

If she had a complaint, it was that she couldn’t get a clear picture of him.

‘But that’s okay,’ she thought, ‘he smiles at me, he’s affectionate, and he gives me expensive gifts.’

Even if the gifts he gives her aren’t exactly her cup of tea…….

Still, he wouldn’t put in this much time and effort if he didn’t love her, or at least if he didn’t favor her.

So Rosalyn was sure.

That he was of the same mind as herself.

So it wouldn’t be long before her love would bear fruit.

‘He’s just divorced his wife now, so he is being careful.‘

Just the right amount of distance, Rosalyn thought to herself, so as not to get caught up in any unnecessary scandal.

The sentences in the original story, written from Rosalyn’s point of view, pierced me like an awl.

It was as if God was warning me.

It’s time to wake up from the dream.

Come back to reality, get back to your life, before it turns into a nightmare and eats you.

I grew more and more sensitive, more and more nervous.

Aslan would soon become uncomfortable with me and will stop visiting me.

Then I’d get anxious because he was neglecting me, and this would continue…….

A vicious cycle.

I became sick and tired of myself. I wanted it to end.

But then Rosalyn came along, and the whole cycle came crashing down.

The two of them instantly grew closer, saw each other face-to-face almost every day, and would soon confirm their feelings.

Only one obstacle remained between them as they were becoming perfect lovers.

It was me.

Helena Larestine, Aslan Tordell’s wife by law.

Wanting to continue her happy dream, the foolish butterfly refused to wake up, but eventually, she did.

On a stage that was supposed to end with a happy ending for the main characters, it was time for the extras to leave.

4. Exit

Thud thud.

The hand knocking on the door trembled. I quickly lowered my hand and hid it inside my sleeve.

Just in time, I heard a pleasant voice.

“Come in.”

I cautiously opened the door.

He is here today. He was tidying up his desk as if he was about to leave, but he looked perfect today.

Was it just me?

No, no. He was handsome, as anyone with eyes would recognize.

A solid yet sleek body with full muscles and features that seem to be drawn carefully.

He looked like a statue who has come to life, like a man leaping out of a canvas.

Even those who hate him cannot find fault with his perfect appearance.

Since when did I want his beauty to be rather faded?

Probably from the time I held him in my heart.

If only he were of lowly birth, if only he were frowned upon, if only he were so penniless that thieves would scoff and say he had nothing that could be stolen.

There were times when I wished that there was nothing about Aslan that would interest anyone else, so I could be the only one around.

It was a horrible thought, one he would have abhorred if he knew.

‘I must have been driven to the edge,’ I thought, ‘to even think such a thing.’

I told myself, as I stared at him as if I was engraving him into my retina, a man I would never see again.

The door was open, but Aslan looked up as if it was strange that there was no word.

“Who, wife?

No wonder I rarely came to him first during the day, not wanting to disturb him.

“Is something wrong?”

His face was colored with wonder as he moved closer to me.

He seemed to find it odd that I’d come in unannounced and was just staring at him without speaking.

“Sit down.”

I slowly took the seat he indicated.

It was a familiar seat, the one where he and I had written and signed our marriage contract.

Even after we were married, when I would occasionally visit his office, Aslan would always lead me to sit here.

It felt good like I had my own seat.

There was something about ending a relationship where it began, which made it so special.

I was lost in thought for a moment, and before I knew it, Aslan was sitting next to me, looking at me wordlessly.

I could feel his worried eyes scanning my face. It looked like he thought I was sick again.

“Do you want me to call a doctor?”

“No.”

I smiled strangely.

You are, indeed, sweet even till the very end.’

I stopped Aslan, who was about to call the butler.

“Can you spare a few minutes for me?”

“Yes, of course…….”

He nodded, then paused, studying my expression.