T/N: the title, 무제, can also pertain to the city they live in.
I shouldn’t name my emotions.
If I call it love, self-loathing follows, and it’s too pitiful to call it hate.
In the end, I’m the only one who’s tired.
***
01
My mother committed suicide in front of me.
“They say her husband killed her. Because of that man, Kang Jiyul’s maternal family lost everything. Their son-in-law took over the company and kicked out all his family members.”
“Oh, but that doesn’t justify suicide.”
“She lost her family because of her husband, and he’s been cheating and fooling around for ages. I wouldn’t want to live in that situation either. That man is truly trash.”
“Right. Minsoo’s parents divorced because of Kang Jiyul’s dad, too.”
“Ugh, it’s so disgusting. What are they even doing at their age?”
Because she set fire to her own body in front of my father, me, and even the housekeepers, there was not a single person in the entire neighborhood who didn’t know about it.
It had only been a few days since the incident, and she was returning to school right after the funeral. She was prepared for the fact that it would surely be a topic of discussion at school. She rested her chin on her hand, looking out the window, and then decided she didn’t want to hear any more, so she plugged in her earphones and lay down.
The incident had been so sensational, and the people in the neighborhood had always been interested in our wealthy household from the beginning.
In a conservative neighborhood where there aren’t many people coming in or going out from outside, there aren’t any big events to speak of. The most exciting gossip in this boring city, where at most someone went to a university in Seoul or got a job at a large company, was my father’s misdeeds.
The story of a bachelor from Seoul seducing the naive youngest daughter of a wealthy family, impregnating her, taking over his father-in-law’s company, and kicking out his wife’s siblings had been heard here and there since I was a child.
My father ignored such gossip, but my mother struggled with it.
And there was something else that tormented her the most.
Despite living with her husband’s family in defiance of her own relatives, she endured it all with her love for him, but when she heard rumors of him sleeping with other women, and finally caught him sleeping with his secretary, she went mad. And even I could tell that something was seriously wrong.
“I believed that he loved me.”
Whenever she mumbled absentmindedly, I felt frustrated. I couldn’t trust her, especially when it came to my father’s feelings. How many women had been mentioned before Secretary Sung? I couldn’t understand how she could continue to believe in love after witnessing all that.
“You have to believe in the people you trust.”
“Yeah, you should believe in those you trust.”
“……”
“Jiyul, don’t trust anyone. The human heart can never last forever. Feelings are fleeting.”
In the unusually hot summer, my mother burned hotter than the sun.
I witnessed my mother on fire through the second-floor window, and my father spraying her with a fire extinguisher. She was quickly transported to the hospital, but she ultimately lost her life.
After confirming my mother’s death, my memories became fragmented.
A portrait photo. A noisy funeral home. My grandfather sobbing with anger. The scent of incense. The scent. The scent. Red flames. Burning. Flames. Mother.
“Ugh…!”
Suddenly, my chest tightened, and I gasped desperately, lifting my head. The teacher who had been standing in front of the chalkboard looked at me with surprise, and I collapsed to the floor, gasping for air.
Hey, what’s wrong with her? Is she crazy? Is she having a seizure? She won’t die like that, will she? I heard murmurs from the people around me. Quickly, help Jiyul! To the nurse’s office!
At some point, my mind went blank.
***
When I regained consciousness, I was on a bed in the nurse’s office. Groaning, I sat up, and someone approached from outside and opened the curtain. It was the school nurse.
“Are you okay? You suddenly collapsed during class, and your classmates brought you here.”
Her concerned face seemed to suggest she had an idea of the cause of the seizure.
“You’re in your senior year, so you must be busy studying. I’m sure you must have a lot on your mind.”
“……”
“Your homeroom teacher said you can leave early if you’re not feeling well. If it’s really bad, you should consider going to the hospital.”
I nodded silently and got off the bed.
I didn’t want to go back to the classroom after causing such a commotion. I would only receive uncomfortable glances. Without even grabbing my bag, I left the school building right away.
Standing in front of the school gate, I reached into my skirt pocket out of habit to call a taxi, but it was empty.
Where did I put my phone? I vaguely remembered leaving it in a desk drawer or putting it in my bag. I blinked blankly and decided to just start walking. It was a distance I could cover on foot.
As I was dragging my slippers, I suddenly felt unfamiliar with the surroundings near the school. It had been a long time since I walked around the area since I usually commuted by car. In my first year, I sometimes walked home with friends, but at some point, I found myself walking alone.
Was there a shop like that around here? I briefly spotted a sandwich shop I had never seen before but didn’t find it particularly interesting.
As I continued to walk, I suddenly realized something.
Where am I?
It had been unfamiliar for a while, and I only belatedly realized that I had stepped into a completely different neighborhood from my own.
Mu-je was not a big city, but that didn’t mean I knew every corner. My knowledge of the area was limited, especially since I commuted to school by car,.
I scanned the deserted neighborhoods where not even a stray cat passed by, let alone a human being, and went where my feet took me. In my head, I thought it would be more efficient to retrace my steps, but my legs carried me forward, seemingly driven by momentum.
Honestly, I didn’t really want to get home quickly. Since I had already lost my way, what harm would it do to wander a bit longer?
“…..”
As I passed through an alley with villas on both sides, I noticed that the surroundings were gradually deteriorating the further I went in. At the entrance, there were clean-looking villas that seemed relatively new, but soon I saw the skeletal frames of buildings under construction.
The scattered sandbags, discarded gloves, shovels, and the like in the vicinity indicated that this was a neighborhood in the midst of development.
At the end of the alley, two paths branched out to the left and right. It was at that moment that I lightly pondered which way to go.
Screech.
Somewhere in the distance, the sound of tires caught my attention, and I turned my head to the right. A gray van was parked diagonally from my position, and men in dark suits began to pour out of it.
When I spotted a baseball bat in the hand of one of them, I instinctively hid behind a utility pole. Still, my curiosity got the better of me, and I peeked through the gaps between the pole and the wall. My gaze eventually landed on the last man to exit the van.
Although I didn’t count, among the group of easily over six men, he stood out naturally. Firstly, he appeared significantly younger than the others, and he had an exceptionally handsome face. More than that, he had an imposing stature, making it easy to remember him amidst the crowd.
Besides, while all the others were dressed in suit jackets, he wore a loose white shirt, and he was the only one smoking a cigarette, making him stand out in various ways.
They seemed to be having a conversation in front of the van before entering the building.
<Messenger>
There was a sign on the building with just one word written on it. It was then that I realized the true identity of that mysterious group.
“That’s just a bunch of thugs for hire. I don’t care. It’s good to have a few small companies like that, it makes our lives easier. I can’t feed them all in Mu-je City.”
I recalled hearing my father’s arrogant conversation at some point. The word ‘thugs’ stuck with me more than anything else because it sounded unfamiliar.
The thug was the most handsome man I’d ever seen in my life. I chuckled at the strange irony and turned left. What did it matter to me whether someone I didn’t know was a thug or not, or whether he was handsome or not? I quickly dismissed any interest.
I continued walking for a while and hailed a taxi on a major road to get back home. Leaving the housekeeper, who was responsible for paying the taxi fare, behind, I went upstairs to my room and ended my day by falling asleep.
That’s how the rest of the year went for the most part.
02
In the place where my mother had died, there was an angel statue that she had personally sculpted. It was my father’s request.
Since there was no one who didn’t know why she had taken her own life, it was quite an impressive feat. But I didn’t need to express it. It wasn’t just a matter of pride, the conversations I had with my father had become so scarce since my mother passed away, and I tried to avoid seeing him as much as possible.
As I stood by the window and looked out into the yard, I noticed a few bouquets of flowers placed around the statue. A few days ago, the household staff had brought them in for the first anniversary of my mother’s passing, and some guests had also arrived earlier.
I always felt uncomfortable when looking at the statue, so I couldn’t keep my gaze on it for long. I closed the curtains with a deep sigh, and then I heard a knock at the door.
“Jiyul, it’s me.”
Recognizing the familiar voice, I stepped away from the window. When I opened the door, there was Do Hajin, my older brother, standing there with a bright smile.
“How have you been?”
“Good.”
“Didn’t you know I was coming? You should have come to greet me if you were home.”
“I knew, but I was too lazy.”
“You’re still as cute as ever.”
His casual attitude didn’t change as he smiled.
The last time I saw him was earlier this year when he briefly visited Korea, and we had a family meal together. Apart from having a tanned face compared to then, his appearance from head to toe remained neat and unchanged. I quickly glanced at his neatly combed hair and his black checkered shirt, and he pointed into the room.
“Can I come in? I’m a bit bored.”
“……”
“The adults are downstairs talking about work stuff, so I thought I’d join you.”
“Come in.”
There was no reason to stop him, so I willingly let him enter.
