“…..”
As his heavy words landed, I felt as if cold water had been dumped on me, my body stiffening for a few seconds. This was because I too had come to a similar realization while looking at him.
When I was younger, I saw him as a shining, impressive figure, inspiring admiration in me. And that admiration, over time, changed and morphed into love.
However, after reuniting with Ruth, I came to a realization that I had previously missed: he too was a flawed human who had his moments of pain, incapability, and misguided actions.
Thus, after this realization, instead of wishing to share in his light, I decided to help him continue to shine like a bright sun for as long as possible. This was my way of loving the Ruth who was eroded by reality.
Just as my thoughts reached this point, Ruth, who had almost finished his wine glass, slowly began to speak again.
“…me.”
“?”
“After realizing that, my longing became intense in a different sense.”
“A different sense?”
I asked with a puzzled look, and he blinked to signify yes.
“Yeah. At first, I just wanted that person to affirm my innocence, but afterwards, I wanted to protect them from being eroded by reality.”
“Ah…”
He wanted to protect me from reality.
I mulled over his explanation while biting my lower lip firmly, an attempt to prevent my face from noticeably reddening.
Ruth sometimes spoke of things detached from reality. For example, like a prince from a fairy tale, he’d suggest playing hide-and-seek to a crying me, making promises that seemed out of place.
Could it be that all those were not mere childish impulsiveness of a fourteen-year-old boy, but meticulously calculated actions to protect ‘that child’ from being eroded by reality?
The thought had barely formed when something seemed to heavily settle around my heart, with an invisible force tightly squeezing my stomach—yet, the sensation wasn’t entirely unpleasant.
If supporting him from behind the scenes so he doesn’t lose his light was my love, then protecting ‘that child’ so they wouldn’t shatter further was Ruth’s love.
I vowed to always remember his true intentions, carefully storing them away in my mind, when suddenly Ruth placed an empty wine glass down on the table with a clack and spoke.
“Because I have seen and experienced firsthand what happens to someone completely eroded by reality.”
“…What?”
I asked, forgetting to hide my surprise at his softly added explanation. The topic, brought up without any warning, was unexpected, and I hadn’t anticipated that he would reveal such an experience to me, ‘Serbia’.
Upon witnessing my reaction, Ruth’s lips drew a bitter arc, exuding a despicable aura. It had been so long since I’d seen a smile so saturated with disgust that I found myself unconsciously swallowing dryly as I stared at his curling red lips.
“Do you know how my mother died?”
“No. I don’t know.”
“It was suicide induced by others.”
“!”
As I shook my head vehemently, Ruth replied in a monotonous tone, almost as if he didn’t expect an answer from me.
I barely managed to keep my jaw from dropping at the shocking information he divulged. Suicide induced by others meant she chose to die due to external influences, unlike my father, who was murdered by someone deliberately.
…I never dreamed that Ruth’s mother had died that way.
Overwhelmed by guilt for inadvertently peering into his wounds, I struggled to maintain my wandering gaze. I couldn’t bear to look directly at Ruth, who pretended as if everything was normal, yet I wanted to catch every detail about him.
While I was caught in this contradiction, Ruth, who had been piercingly observing me, nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and began to tell his story.
“My mother was essentially no different from a concubine of the emperor, the third empress. I heard that before becoming the third empress of the empire, she was a war slave. Perhaps because of that, nobles, including other members of the royal family, looked down upon her.”
“Ah.”
“Among those people, my mother grew increasingly weary. She would smile brightly in front of me, but come evening, she would cry alone in her bedroom. Moreover, it seems that some days she would even inflict strange wounds on her wrists.”
It seemed as if he was trying to recall a distant memory long forgotten, as his brows furrowed and then relaxed repeatedly. Yet, throughout, his expression remained remarkably stoic.
Despite the deeply sad story he was telling, I quietly watched Ruth, who showed no sign of being disturbed. Specifically, I looked into his eyes, which hid their profound serenity beneath a shade of violet.
Catching my gaze, Ruth appeared momentarily flustered but soon continued speaking without stepping back, “But back then, I was young. So, all I could do to possibly ease my mother’s suffering was to make her favorite flower rings or to remove traps in the forest with her.”
“……”
“Every time I did those things, my mother would smile as if she had no worries in the world. Seeing her like that made me foolishly believe everything was alright when I was young.”
“……”
“But it wasn’t.”
“I was completely wrong,” Ruth muttered as he roughly wiped his face with his hands, seeming to be overwhelmed with emotion.
I watched him sigh deeply and waited in silence, hoping he would find the courage to open up about the rest of his past and free himself from self-blame.
Being young is not a sin, but sometimes, because we are young, we feel guilty, so we are always both victims and perpetrators. I was like that, and probably Ruth was too.
Therefore, I had no intention of blaming Ruth. Nor did I intend to understand everything perfectly. I just wanted to listen to his raw feelings without hesitation.
After a while, Ruth raised his face again and spoke in a gloomy voice.
“In those days, the royal family had dinner together about once a month, and that day was also one when we ate together with those who call themselves our family. It was such a long time ago that I can’t remember exactly, but one thing is clear: that day, my mother had fought with the other queens.”
“Do you know why your mother fought with the other queens?”
“No, I don’t know. I just know they fought.”
“I see.”
“Anyway, after that unpleasant dinner, my mother was found dead the next morning. The cause was excessive bleeding. It seems like the wounds on her wrists were too deep.”
Just the thought of that time made his hands clench tightly, as if in pain. His fists were so tightly clenched that the veins on his pale hands popped out fiercely.
“After that incident, other members of the royal family came to my mother’s funeral. Not to pray for the soul of the deceased, but to divide among themselves what my mother had left behind.”
“How could they do that…”
“Watching them fight over who could take more, I suddenly felt nauseated. I was angry at the sight of these royals, acting like spoiled brats at the cemetery where my mother’s funeral was being held.”
Ah.
I barely managed to suppress the sigh that wanted to burst out. A light rage boiled up around my heart.
A funeral was a ceremony held in the hope that the departed’s soul would safely reach the heavens. Thus, for the bereaved family, the funeral was essentially a time to say a final goodbye to the departed.
And yet, to behave so disgracefully at such a funeral. It’s utterly unacceptable.
“So I burned my mother’s belongings. Every single one of them, without exception.”
“…”
“Of course, I understand that you might be greatly disappointed in my actions, seeing them as a betrayal of filial piety. Just know that it was my way of protecting my mother. What else could an ignorant and incompetent boy who only knew how to make flower rings and disarm traps possibly do, right?”
Ruth, interpreting my silence as something negative, let out a bitter laugh and started to defensively add more to his justification.
However, the additional explanation he provided was laced with an indescribable disgust. It was a disgust so clearly directed at someone.
I caught every bit of his gaze, which reminded me of a finely honed blade, without missing a beat. Then, with lips as heavy as soaked cotton, I slowly began to speak.
“…ear.”
“Hmm?”
“I’m not disappointed, Your Majesty. On the contrary, I’m thankful that you spoke up first.”
“Then why such a face?”
“Because I’m sad.”
“Sad about what?”
Ruth tilted his head, seemingly puzzled about why I would be sad.
Taking a breath, I steered the conversation.
“It’s just, I wish you wouldn’t dislike yourself, Your Majesty.”
“….”
“Because the pure and frail version of your past self exists, that’s why you are here today.”
Scars heal to form new flesh, and winter comes before spring. This immutable law of the world dictates that his growth was facilitated by all the times he has fallen.
Therefore, he might despise other members of the royal family, but he should never despise himself.
As I listened to Ruth’s past, I straightforwardly shared the story I wanted to convey, when suddenly, a violent, purple wave surged into my field of view. It was only a moment later that the purple wave, which seemed to swell as if to devour Ruth, disappeared.
“My lady, I vowed to protect that child and swore to love only them. This means, I will not love anyone else.”
“?!”
“So, let’s stop here.”
The moment I looked at him quizzically for drawing a line so abruptly, Ruth twisted his face and then laughed. It was a laugh like that of someone who couldn’t cry, so they laughed instead. Then, he reached out, gently tucked my brown hair that had slipped onto my shoulder behind my ear, and murmured,
“Please, don’t shake me up anymore, my lady.”
Please. His succinct request left a lingering resonance.
It was an honest confession that he was being shaken by ‘Serbia’, and the fall of what seemed like an impregnable castle, but was merely a castle of sand.
