“I missed you too, Seri.”
“Why, why did you only appear now?”
I prayed so many times in my dreams to meet you, not as a dead person, but as a living one.
As I asked with my voice mixed with tears, my father shrugged his shoulders and gently embraced me. Then, whispering as if murmuring into my ear, he said, “You should move forward, not stay bound by the past.”
“How can I move forward when the past hasn’t been properly sorted out?”
“Look at yourself now. Haven’t you made great strides?”
“But I didn’t do this on my own.”
“Still, you’ve grown.”
“……”
“I’m proud of you. Last I saw you, you were this small. How did you grow up to be such an adult without me noticing? Not being able to watch you grow was my regret.”
As I watched my father stroke his chest with his palm as if truly saddened, suddenly something overwhelming surged within me. It was neither joy, nor sorrow, nor anger. It was a vague feeling of grievance, mixed somewhere in-between.
That’s why I brought up my mother, his weak spot, out of nowhere.
“…… Is mother doing well?”
“Yes. Via is a strong person. That’s why I think she would have easily overcome something like my death.”
“It was easy, it wasn’t easy. It was very hard. Can I ask you just one thing?”
“What is it?”
“Why did you tell me not to save my father at that time?”
“……”
Even at this age, I still haven’t grasped the meaning of the ‘Shh.’ my father made. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m still immature, or if I just haven’t tried hard enough to understand its true meaning.
When I saved Ruth at the hunting contest, paradoxically, I remembered my father, whom I couldn’t save. And seeing Ruth alive and breathing, I wondered if my father would have been alive like this if I had saved him. It was ultimately a question that could never be answered.
“If I had saved my father, he would be alive by now. He would have been here with us completely.”
“Seri.”
“……”
“People revived with the golden blood forget the owner of the blood. I didn’t want to lose you. Even if it meant we could never meet again.”
“But I still wanted to save him.”
“You know well that it wouldn’t have been possible.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Selena. My death wasn’t merely an issue for our family, but for the empire as a whole at that time. I believed it to be a sacrifice worth making if it could stir the nobles who were otherwise motionless into action. And I can’t believe that you, being astute, didn’t know this. You aren’t going to tell me you really didn’t know, right?”
“…….”
I couldn’t bring myself to answer. Because everything my father said was right.
If there was absolutely nothing hindering me, regardless of my father’s intentions, I would have secretly saved him.
But deep down, I knew. The death of my father, that is, the crumbling of our family’s mountain, wasn’t merely ‘our’ problem.
My father was a duke. He managed the empire’s treasury and was a member of a founding contributor family.
I already knew that his death would be like throwing a stone into a still lake.
As I remained silent, my father repeatedly wiped his face, then eventually slowly opened his mouth.
“Selena. I, that is, Dad.”
Pausing as if searching for his words, my father then spoke in a quiet but firm tone.
“I didn’t want to hurt you. Instead, I wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect you so much that I didn’t realize my method was flawed and kept going. I thought that was the only way for you to grow up right and healthy.”
“…….”
“But it turned out not to be the case.”
As my father said this, his eyes were fixed not on me, but on something else. It didn’t take long to realize that the “something else” he was looking at was me, all of twelve years old.
“You were already a good and healthy child, but I overlooked that. And I silenced everything you wanted to do, all your dreams. For that, I am sorry.”
“Father.”
“Thinking about it now, from the day your smile no longer seemed happy, you started calling me ‘father’. But it’s the last time, could you call me ‘dad’ just once, like you used to?”
“……”
That’s right. When did I start calling my father ‘father’?
I tried to recall a day from a time now too distant to remember, but soon gave up. Instead, I quietly whispered ‘dad’ to myself. It felt incredibly awkward.
While I did this, my father, looking down at his fading hand, smiled faintly.
“Seri. It seems it’s time for me to go. I wished to stay until the morning, but it looks like this was all the time given to me. Seri. If there is a next life, I hope you meet a better dad.”
“……”
“I hope you meet a dad who is wiser and greater than I am and always live happily with a smile on your face. I wish you could have a father who watches over you throughout your growth, always by your side to give you strength whenever you are lonely or sad. Not someone like me who only gives you bad memories, not me who just keeps making mistakes.”
As he added these words, my father straightened his knees and took a couple of steps back, as if to move away from me forever.
In a rush to regain my senses, I stood up and reached out to my father. But all that my fingertips touched was fluttering sawdust.
The sawdust, carrying the chill of the dead, idly swirled around my fingertips before disappearing into the void.
“Father.”
Having witnessed the entire scene, I eventually gave up on reaching my father and started to cry.
“What I’ve realized after becoming an adult.”
My father gestured for me to continue, wearing a tender smile that I had not seen since I was very young.
“There’s no such thing as a perfect adult anywhere. That applies to parents too.”
After growing up, I realized there were no perfect adults. Only adults and children existed. It was just a matter of who could better pretend to be an adult, and I was behind in that. I wanted to be an adult but ultimately never became one, such was my existence.
This made me understand my father more.
People can’t be perfect. Therefore, there can’t be a perfect adult, and, pushing it further, there can’t be a perfect parent either.
Upon hearing my words, my father looked at me with eyes wide, as if surprised. Then, slowly, his eyes began to curve into a crescent shape, as if he was beginning to understand what I was trying to convey.
“If indeed there is such a thing as a next life given to us, please find me again and be my father.”
In the end, I decided to acknowledge it. I love my life. I love my present. And thus, I love my past as well.
“See you later, Dad.”
As one bids farewell to someone embarking on a long journey but expected to return someday, so I said goodbye to my fading father, or rather, to Dad. This signified a ‘return.’
***
“Ah.”
After waking up, I dabbed at the tears formed at the corners of my eyes and drew a slight smile. I had a very good dream. For the first time, it was a dream where my father appeared, but it was not a nightmare.
While I was doing this, all of a sudden, the closed window flung open, and Ruth lightly stepped inside. Then, seeing me sitting on the bed, he expressed surprise.
“Did you just wake up?”
“Ruth. Good morning.”
“It’s closer to the afternoon now, but, well, sure. Anyway, it seems nothing surprises you anymore.”
“There’s been too many surprising events for that.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“Maybe.”
I nodded slowly in affirmation. Then, I returned to the essential question.
“By the way, why are you here so early in the morning?”
It was then Ruth seemed to remember his purpose, sighing as he pulled something out of his belongings. Squinting my eyes for a closer look, I realized it was the contract Ruth and I had written a few months ago.
While working, I stumbled upon something by coincidence, but the writing was all blurred, so I thought someone must have tampered with it.
But it was quite strange. I tried to find out who the culprit was while talking to Lilia, but Lilia couldn’t remember you, Selena, at all. It wasn’t just Lilia. From the young lord of the Dright family to the enemy daughter of the Abyss family, at the aristocratic meeting at dawn, they couldn’t remember you either.
“Hmm.”
“Did something happen last night, by any chance?”
“Well.”
I answered Ruth vaguely, but inside, I already knew the answer. This was Tommy’s first gift.
Erasing the memories of those who remember me as Serbia, yet preserving the memories of the ones I love completely as Selena.
Ruth chuckled dryly at my bland response and then snickered quietly.
“I don’t know why, but thanks to whatever it is, I have one less thing to do. Now all that’s left is to hurry and bring you to the palace. Ah. And about that matter… I have a suggestion.”
“A suggestion?”
As I indicated curiosity with a gesture, Ruth gently stroked my head and then carefully wiped my face with a handkerchief moistened by magic.
“Yes. Once you enter the palace, you’ll be announced as ‘Selena’ for the first time, and I want to put on a bit of a show to ensure that no one can ignore you.”
“A performance?”
“The Senate has decided to attend the aristocratic meeting that will be held in three days. And I want you to be there, Selena.”
After finishing wiping my face, Ruth pulled up the corners of his mouth into an attractive grin.
“As the owner of the Golden Blood.”
