The sight of the child kneeling and sitting down overlapped with my own appearance at the age of twelve. It was probably because the situation in front of me unfolded very much like that day, from the numerous corpses to the mud floor soaked with bright red blood.
Otherwise, it might be because the child in front of me now and I from that day emit a very similar atmosphere. Anyway, whatever the reason, I saw myself at the age of twelve in the child. I saw it so clearly.
That was why. I should’ve told the distracted-looking child to come this way because it’s dangerous, or at least taken the child’s hand and run somewhere where we wouldn’t bother Ruth, but I just stood there, doing none of those things.
I wanted to run away alone, far away. So that the memories of that day would no longer stick to me. So that I would no longer remember my dying father’s corpse.
I’m okay now. It doesn’t bother me. It’s just a thing of the past now. I’ve changed, and the situation around me has changed too. I’m not the powerless Selena anymore. I, I…
Really?
The voice inside my unconscious asked back. Along with this, emotions and reason started to be pushed towards the edge of a cliff. I lost my composure. Step by step, as they got closer to the cliff, my breath hastened. I gasped for even a handful of breath, my chest rising significantly.
Even while I was doing this, the voice in my unconscious did not stop laughing. It seemed to enjoy my agitation, happily humming as if it had wished for it.
You are Selena. That is an axiom that will never change. Then, what was the name of that child 11 years ago?
“……”
I couldn’t answer. And within my subconscious, a voice laced with arsenic talked back to itself.
‘Selena,’ you fool.
“Ah.”
A low sigh escaped me. Only now I seemed to understand why, despite hearing numerous consolations from Ruth, and despite going through so many events and incidents, I felt as if I hadn’t fully become an adult. Why I felt so incomplete, I seemed now to be able to answer.
It was because I had ignored myself. It was because I had tried to escape from that day by forgetting it. It was because I had banned recalling the memories of when I was twelve, deeming them as something unpleasant. It was because I had always been scared of the memories of that spring and rushed to push them away.
Thanks to that, I was incomplete. Made up of numerous pieces, I was but a shallow sandcastle that would crumble missing even a single piece. Though beautiful to look at, I was a flower without fragrance, destined to be the clown among clowns, a loser who only wanted to ignore the unavoidable problems.
Thus, I was an ‘adult child’. Not the adult I so wanted to be, nor the child I so wanted to escape from, but a stranger caught in between. That is why I was an incomplete person.
Then, whose voice has been giving me so many questions all this time?
Belatedly, an essential question came to me. But soon, I became able to find the answer as well.
It was a simple problem. Because the owner of that voice was none other than,
“……me.”
Haha. A hollow laugh squeezed through the slightly parted lips. A rush of realization made my head throb, but there was no time to care about the physical pain.
Why, or rather why am I so weak that I have to drink the poisoned chalice to its dregs before I realize everything and suffer?
I pressed my fingers to my eyes as if I was about to burst into tears. I found myself wishing someone would see my tears and yet hoping they wouldn’t, caught in a contradiction.
I wanted to act spoiled but also wanted to be dignified. I wanted to understand everyone, but also wanted them to understand me.
I wanted to own everything in the world, but also wanted to throw away everything I had and just run away somewhere. These contradictory thoughts made me an inevitable adult-child.
As I was lost in thought for a long time, suddenly, an indescribably sharp and chilling roar came from where the monster and Ruth were. Barely snapping back to reality, I quickly looked over there.
“!”
There, Ruth was shocked to see the monster, now revealing its hook-shaped tail that had been hidden. Compared to the monster’s giant tail, the sword Ruth was holding looked like a toy for babies.
We can’t win against that.
I inadvertently concluded thus. There was no basis for it, but for some reason, it felt like it must be so, and so I asserted it.
It is known that humans reign supreme over all living beings solely by virtue of their reason, and in other respects, they are inferior to other life forms.
Therefore, it seemed nearly impossible for such humans to single-handedly confront monsters that could destroy all living beings and more. Especially for Ruth, who avoided wielding a sword and used only magic.
“Your Majesty!”
As I was immersed in troubled thoughts about what to do next, the child, who had been sitting blankly, suddenly exclaimed towards Ruth. It seemed that, out of concern that Ruth, who was protecting him, might be in danger, he acted without realizing it. However, seeing the child scream, I instinctively felt my face turn pale.
No.
Suddenly, my heart started to thump like a drum. My mind turned ashen, then blindingly white, alternating between the worst-case scenarios and a faint hope.
Since monsters have a temperament similar to animals, they are sensitive to noise. This meant that the child’s loud outcry was sure to attract the attention of the monster.
And if that happened, it would nullify the meaning of Ruth’s effort to fight the monster single-handedly, and the child, with no means nearby to escape the monster’s view, would undoubtedly be in danger.
Please let the monster not have heard the child’s scream.
I clenched my fist tightly and prayed silently. Although I wasn’t a devout believer in God, at this moment, I desperately wished for His existence. If God is real, please save that child. Let the child, who has countless days yet to live, not fall into any more danger. That was my fervent hope.
But a wish was just a wish.
“Damn it!”
Suddenly, Ruth’s cursing filled the air as he chewed out loud and the image of following the monster as it turned and ran was slowly etched into my retina.
The monster had noticed the child’s presence. That was all that remained in my head. No other thought came to me.
The monster was so large that it took a few seconds to notice the child’s presence. But that was only for a moment; soon, it was clear that the monster would reach the child. And it was obvious what would happen to the child after that.
“Shh.”
My father’s whisper resonated in my ear.
Hide and deceive. That’s how you survive, Seri. People are greedy and selfish, the moment you reveal your abilities to the world, you will be in danger.
Outside of this safe home is a place more filthy and ugly than you could ever imagine. You listened to your father well, didn’t you, Sery?
Words my father told me and those he didn’t got mixed up, and eventually, I couldn’t distinguish between what was real and what was not.
Father. What should I do?
I asked a question to someone who could not shake the endless sense of helplessness and trembling fingers, someone who could not answer back. I asked over and over again.
Only when I realized that silence was the only answer I could get from that person did I notice that only a ringing in the ears, sharp as a blade’s edge, remained by my side. The monster moved briskly, and Ruth followed it, swinging his sword, while the child stood frozen like a rock, having forgotten how to cry.
What should I do here? How should I…
“No!”
Before my endless worries could cease, my body moved on its own upon seeing the monster thrust its sharp tail towards the child. Clutching my dress tightly, I ran faster than I ever had before.
My hair was a mess, and one of my shoes was broken, making me unsteady. But still, I ran. Even when I was out of breath, I kept running.
I still saw my twelve-year-old self in that child. The twelve-year-old me, overlaid on the child, was weeping bitterly as I watched the great mountain named father shrink. But how could I turn away from the child? How could I, who had ignored that little one for so long, bury them deeper in the darkness?
Barely making it to the child before the monster could attack, I wrapped my arms tightly around them, enclosing them within my embrace.
Even if the monster’s tail were to pierce through my back and come out through my stomach, putting the child in danger, it would be less harmful than being hit directly by the tail.
Of course, my life would be in danger, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to leave the child alone anymore.
From now on, I’ll hold you.
I’ll protect you.
I’m sorry for pretending I didn’t know you until now.
Seri.
After having that thought, I tightly closed my eyes, hoping the imminent pain would be brief. Various faces flashed before my eyes, submerged in pitch darkness, but I had no regrets. In truth, the moment Ruth’s face appeared, a desire to live flickered within me. Yet, I had killed someone.
It was during this waiting for death.
“Serbia!”
An overly familiar voice sounded from somewhere.
Compelled by that voice, I involuntarily opened my eyelids and slowly turned my head. Then, I saw Ruth, who had thrown away his sword, running toward me.
Impossible.
Until a moment ago, I frowned, remembering him calling me ‘lady.’
Impossible.
Come to think of it, Ruth had never called me ‘Serbia,’ except once, 11 years ago.
Impossible.
“Ruth…?”
It was a moment when I murmured that name, which I hadn’t uttered in a long time.
Thunk.
The demon’s tail was stuck in Ruth’s belly as he jumped in front of me.
