“……”
After the conversation with Helen, I didn’t say a word all the way back to the banquet hall. No, to be precise, I was so engrossed in chewing over the words delivered by the voice in my subconscious that I didn’t even think to speak.
The notion that ‘Selena Obelton cannot do it,’ mocking me by asking if I had the courage to move forward, was implied in each phrase it uttered.
Who could the owner of this voice be? Who keeps lingering around me like a ghost? Is it someone close to me? No, that doesn’t seem right; it sounded too youthful. Then, could it be someone I was close to in my childhood? But, surely, I had no one I could call a close friend.
“Uhm.”
The deeper my thoughts, the heavier the sigh, signaling me diving into an unsolvable dilemma, sinking into an endless morass. Ruth, quickly picking up on this signal, glanced at the distant, sparkling banquet hall before looking down at me.
“Do you have something on your mind?”
“Ah, Your Highness. It’s just…”
I hesitated to open up to Ruth, feeling somewhat uneasy. Confessing that I’m contemplating the identity of something unknown within me seemed almost like admitting to a mental disturbance.
Also, I was starting to want to stop relying on Ruth for help and consolation whenever I felt troubled.
So, in search of an excuse that could serve as a response, I racked my brain and soon lightly clapped my hands upon recalling a memory.
“The children of the poor become playthings of the nobility merely because they are poor, losing their lives in the process, and bastards are treated as less than human just because they are bastards. This is all because imperial law allows it, saying it’s acceptable for them. The same imperial law that should work for everyone becomes shackles for these people, Your Majesty.”
I’ve been concerned about this issue already, so using it as the real reason would work. It would seem plausible, especially since I just finished talking with Helen.
Having found a suitable excuse, I opened my mouth to finish my previously incomplete reply with a smile on my face unintentionally.
“What do you think, Your Majesty?”
“Hmm? About what?”
“About a society where bastards are not persecuted for being bastards, children from poor families are not oppressed for being from poor families, and women are not restricted simply for being women. Can such a society truly exist?”
“Umm… That’s a difficult question.”
Ruth, pondering my question, stroked his platinum hair sliding over his forehead. Then he pointed to the gold button on his uniform, engraved with the royal family’s emblem.
“As you know, I am the Emperor. A person sitting at the very top of a hierarchical society. Of course, the actual power structure is different. So, if you’re asking for an opinion from such an Emperor, well. I believe the society you mentioned existing is impossible.”
“Why is that?”
“Humans seem to be quite a greedy animal, don’t they? Just go inside that banquet hall and look around, and you won’t find anyone who doesn’t feel a bit of jealousy in their hearts. And it’s not just the nobility. Commoners and the impoverished alike have certainly been swayed by petty jealousy. It’s inevitable.”
There was an unfounded confidence in Ruth’s opinion. To an outsider, it might seem like the foolish certainty of a man who has never lived a life less privileged than that of the nobility.
However, having truly lived among and interacted with commoners, I knew his words were not simply the whimsical fantasies of youth but the truth. I had seen with my own eyes that even the gentlest and kindest among the commoners would stab each other in the back for money.
Furthermore, I, too, have often felt jealousy. Recently, I was jealous of ‘Serbia,’ who was receiving Ruth’s attention. Despite knowing very well that both ‘Serbia’ and ‘I’ are the same, I felt jealousy. It was inevitable.
Suddenly, unable to nod in agreement due to the embarrassing memories that came to mind, I remained silent. Understanding what I felt, Ruth flicked my forehead with his finger, smirking.
“Jealousy is not an emotion we should be ashamed of. Rather, it’s so natural that its coexistence is what makes it a beautiful feeling. My lady, you would not know how much jealousy I have felt so far. And this means, jealousy is something that all humans feel, regardless of class.”
“…Yes, that’s true. But I still don’t understand how that’s related to His Majesty’s answer.”
“Think about it, Young Lady. Have you never once had the thought of wanting something when you see someone holding a desirable apple?”
“To be very honest, I think I have.”
“Right. That’s human nature. No matter how much we try to suppress our instincts, we end up coveting something, whether it physically exists or not. Therefore, from the perspective of an emperor like me, it’s impossible to say it can exist. Humans are inherently greedy creatures, so if they weren’t to suffer paradoxes for being who they are, they would surely face other paradoxes instead.”
I said earlier, didn’t I, that true freedom is far too abstract. Ruth added this at the end and looked towards the banquet hall, now only a few steps away.
“First of all, I understand what Young Lady wants. But this isn’t something I can decide on my own, I need Young Lady’s help. For starters, I’ll grant authority as a representative to replace Duke Abyss at the next noble’s meeting as Young Lady has suggested. Then, Young Lady can propose this issue at the meeting. If that’s done, supporting Young Lady won’t be a problem for me.”
Watching him, I suddenly remembered Helen’s last line to Ruth and involuntarily moved my lips.
Then why, knowing too well that changing one thing would only lead to another problem, did you accept Helen’s proposal? Knowing that human greed will continuously generate absurdity, why choose the hard way?
The questions swirling around in my mouth were like stones. Pressing down on the increasing confusion, I finally managed to voice one question after much hesitation.
“What would you think from the perspective of Ruth, not as the Emperor? What would you say then?”
“…I wish it were real.”
The question mark I passed on seemed quite heavy, as Ruth took a while to murmur in a slightly cracked voice. I vaguely realized that his purple iris, which had been looking at the banquet hall for some time, was gazing beyond it.
What could Ruth be drawing right now?
I swallowed questions that I, as myself, could not know. I swallowed, swallowed, and swallowed until Ruth’s focus returned to reality and adjusted on me.
“Lady. You see.”
Then, looking directly at me, Ruth had the look of the boy I had loved 11 years ago, not the gaze of the Emperor who directly confronts reality.
Despite having faced many hardships and being utterly exhausted, he had this miraculous strength to smile brightly. The look in the eyes of a boy who was pure and brave.
“I wish they no longer had to suffer.”
It was not a conviction but a wish.
Yet, it was a wish more steadfast than anything else.
***
Returning to the banquet hall, we decided to make a brief appearance before heading back to the imperial palace. This decision was made because disappearing immediately wouldn’t be polite towards Helen, who had hosted the party.
So, holding a glass of wine each, we found ourselves in an awkward position at the banquet hall, neither in the center nor at the end.
However, maybe due to the name tags identifying us as the Emperor and his fiancée, people began to gather around us one by one. Although their attention was mainly on Ruth, I didn’t mind and sipped my white wine.
Since the engagement party with Ruth, I hadn’t touched alcohol, but now, feeling a change within myself from the past, it seemed I couldn’t resist drinking.
Ruth seemed puzzled by my behavior but soon smiled faintly and started talking with the nobles who approached him.
I observed Ruth talking with the nobles about the refugees who crossed the border without permission and then looked around the banquet hall.
According to what Ian had told me, his mother hadn’t resumed social activities until her health fully recovered, so meeting family members seemed unlikely, and I decided to look for familiar faces instead.
“Huh?”
As I scanned the room for a few minutes, a woman dancing with an unknown man in the center of the hall caught my eye. She was Lady Winter, smiling brightly as she danced.
She seems to be doing well.
I curled the corners of my mouth up at the face which was distinctly different from the last time I had seen it. Initially, I thought the impression that was nothing short of flamboyant appeared fierce, but now, it seemed remarkably attractive.
The fact that a person’s perception could change this much just by exchanging a handkerchief seemed amusing, and it broadened my smile further. Suddenly, my gaze met that of Lady Winter, the Countess, whose dance had just ended.
She seemed somewhat surprised, and I greeted her with a nod before lightly swaying the wine glass I was holding.
It meant, ‘Would you like to have a drink together?’ Originally, it was a playful gesture used by men to flirt with women, but I used it without any hesitation, wondering if Helen had felt the same way.
Lady Winter, her face quickly turning red upon seeing this, walked briskly towards me with an expression that seemed somewhat angry.
When she arrived in front of me, she exclaimed loudly,
“What was that just now? Where did you learn something like that!”
