“The place you wanted to come with me was, so…”
I stopped speaking and felt the gently swaying warm breeze for a few seconds. It was a wind that matched perfectly with the moonlight pouring overhead and the tiny cries of insects. I described it as a spring breeze.
I weakly clenched the hand that had absentmindedly reached towards the fireflies flying around us and then looked back at Ruth, who was standing behind me with his arms crossed.
He seemed to be watching me with a persistent gaze, as if he intended to not miss a single thing I did. Thanks to the bright moon contrasting with the dark evening sky, Ruth’s violet irises were clearly visible.
After scanning his face, I glanced at a few strands of platinum hair that had slipped onto his neat forehead and smiled with my eyes.
“Was it the terrace?”
“Yes.”
“The atmosphere is really nice. Thank you so much for bringing me to a place where I can rest comfortably…”
“To rest? I brought you here to dance, actually, right here, or more precisely, below here.”
“…What?”
I thought he brought me to the terrace, a place away from the gaze of others where I could rest because I had mentioned my ankle was hurting, but that’s not it. Moreover, the plan included dancing below the terrace.
What in the world is he talking about?
I couldn’t hide my perplexity and tilted my head slightly. Then, I stared intently at Ruth, urging him with my expression to add more explanation.
Thereupon, Ruth slightly smiled and extended his hand towards me, as if telling me to take it.
“You’re not joking about intending to dance with me.”
“Of course not. Why would the emperor joke about something like that?”
Though it was clear he had indeed made jokes on several occasions, I decided not to quibble over that detail. More intriguing was Ruth’s inexplicable confidence.
After a moment of hesitation, I placed my hand on his. Intellectually, I knew Ruth wouldn’t do anything to harm me, but my heart couldn’t help but flutter. Should the pain in the area around my ankle worsen while we dance, I’d have to rely on Ruth to return to the palace, and I didn’t want to trouble him with that.
Of course, in that case, it would be Ruth’s responsibility, so he wouldn’t have a say in the matter.
As I reached that conclusion and sighed softly, suddenly the ground beneath us lifted, and we soared slightly higher than the terrace railing.
“What, what, what is this?”
“Shh. Just wait.”
“…!”
Ruth, placing his index finger to his lips in a silencing gesture towards me, who was visibly flustered, flicked his hand, and without any shaking, we were carried by the wind out of the terrace and down below. I couldn’t help but widen my eyes in wonder at the strange feeling of being drawn by an unseen force.
As we descended below the terrace, a lake that was clearly man-made, yet by no means small, came into view. The lake, embracing the shining moon and its halo, seemed to hold an indescribable romance.
While I was distantly admiring the lake, Ruth flicked his hand once more. This time, our bodies moved towards the lake. Slowly, as Ruth and I approached, we didn’t stop until we reached the very center of the lake.
What? What is Ruth planning?
I swallowed dryly as I looked at the water ripples below me. The lake that seemed beautiful from afar did not seem so beautiful up close beneath my feet. It was just water. Formless and flowing, therefore capable of being anything, just water.
Captivated by this unfamiliar feeling and staring at the lake, it seemed as though the water was gradually drawing closer.
I thought it was an optical illusion, but soon feeling the dampness reach my ankles, I realized it wasn’t merely an illusion but reality. And before I knew it, I found myself standing on the lake, hand in hand with Ruth.
“This, what is this…?”
“It’s magic. A spell that temporarily strengthens the surface of the water. That’s why you can feel like you’re stepping on water without falling in.”
“Wow. That’s amazing.”
“This way, even if you dance with me, it won’t strain your ankles.”
“That’s something I could never have imagined.”
“Then I’ve made a dream come true that you weren’t even aware of. You should be thankful.”
“Yes. Thank you, Your Majesty.”
Having received a playful word of thanks from me, Ruth wore a warm smile on his lips. Then, he began to step out in time to the piano accompaniment that flowed from the ballroom.
Following him, I also carefully stepped in time.
Fortunately, the piece was a waltz I knew well, so I was able to dance comfortably. Moreover, perhaps because I was stepping on water, my ankles felt no pressure, allowing me to move freely.
I barely managed to suppress something welling up inside me, tickled by the sensation of the cool water lightly soaking my shoes and feet.
I was happy. Yet, for some reason, alongside this happiness, I suddenly felt like crying. The atmosphere, the choice of music, my dance partner, my physical condition, everything was perfect, yet I felt an urge to cry.
It’s okay to cry if you feel like it.
That day, the delicate voice heard in the subconscious at the library echoed again. It was a voice closer to a child than a woman, yet too mature to be considered a child’s.
“When you’ve cried as much as you want, your tears will pile up.”
Despite the body moving to the beat, the heart was stained a deep blue, feeling lost in a fog with no visibility, yearning to plunge into a lake and swim in the depths of the sea.
“In this way, accumulating layer by layer, eventually, it will make a sea.”
Despite the turmoil inside, the voice from the subconscious continued to resonate. The voice, invoking familiarity, longing, and a bit of sympathy, gradually diminished and soon left only its last word before disappearing.
…Sea.
Only then did I realize why I wanted to cry, even in happy situations. The wish from my childhood, forgotten in the midst of living fiercely through time, people, and events, had revived in its entirety because of him.
“Your Majesty.”
Barely opening my heavy lips, I softly called out to Ruth. I wasn’t sure if he had been looking at me the whole time, but I met his gaze, fixed upon me.
“Have you ever been to the sea?”
The reason for asking him such a question was out of curiosity, nothing more. Any other reason would imply my intentions were not pure, and I found myself at a loss for more words, as if my vocabulary had reverted to that of a 12-year-old.
Even in response to my sudden question, Ruth pondered seriously before eventually speaking up.
“I’ve seen it before.”
“How was it? Was it beautiful?”
“…Hmm. Not sure, really.”
“Why?” I pressed without hesitation upon hearing an unexpected reply, to which Ruth shrugged and answered, “It was desolate.”
“I don’t quite understand what you mean. Isn’t the sea supposed to be beautiful?”
“It is beautiful. But it felt more lonely than beautiful due to its desolation.”
“But the sea isn’t stagnant, right? It moves as it pleases and can stretch as far as it wants. That’s what the sea is. Free and vast.”
“You seem to romanticize the sea quite a lot, miss. But think about it. As long as the sea is ‘the sea’, it can’t be anything but ‘the sea’. In other words, no matter how vast and free the sea might seem, it is ultimately trapped within the confines of being ‘the sea’.”
“I don’t quite… understand.”
“Stars have their designated places, trees have their places to grow, and the sea has its characteristics defined. From this perspective, doesn’t the concept of freedom itself seem quite abstract?”
“…..”
“So, if Young Lady thinks that the sea is free, I argue that Young Lady would become even freer than the vast sea by gaining the ability to reconstruct her own framework.”
Ruth’s story from a totally different perspective had a peculiar persuasive power. Maybe that’s why, this time, my eyes teared up in a different sense, as if I had poured a bucketful of lava around my eyes.
“I don’t know. I used to just long to see the sea, but these days, I’m confused why I hesitate. It feels like I’ve lost my direction.”
“If you’re confused about the direction, just look at me, Young Lady.”
While I was rambling on, Ruth, in time with the music reaching its climax, grasped my waist tightly and said as if reciting a very natural concept.
Looking up at him, Ruth whispered in my ear with a calm face,
“I will become your direction. So, Young Lady, you just,”
As the tempo of the song sped up, Ruth’s grip on me tightened even more.
“Need to walk in step with me.”
If you want freedom, don’t yearn for the sea but find your true self. Rebuild it. Try this and that, experiment with various things. Just like a rough stone becomes smooth as it rolls, you too.
“You will become free. I guarantee it.”
“…….”
The song ended.
I blankly stared at Ruth, who was bowing to me politely, as per the manners. Reality seemed to fade away, leaving only the loud pounding of my heart. It was so quiet that I worried it might just stop beating.
Why did I want to go to the sea, even if it meant disobeying my father?
A suppressed question gently surfaced.
I wanted to experience the beauty of the sea, which I had only known through sentences and memories of others, with my own body.
A voice in my subconscious answered.
Then, what did the beauty of the sea mean to me?
Another question followed closely behind.
Only now have I realized that, to me, the beauty of the sea meant,
Again, a voice in my subconscious responded.
Freedom.
