When I was at a loss for words, consumed by an indescribable emotion and merely twitching my lips, Duke Dright, burying his face in his hands, gripped his own hair tightly.
“I, I couldn’t do anything. I could only watch. I could only hope that someday, things would get better, that someday, you would look at me again, and that was the only way I could endure. That was the only way I could show my affection to my mother, so… so…”
His voice began to quiver, and eventually, it transformed into something indistinguishable between crying and speaking.
In that moment, Duke Dright, reflecting on his past, seemed both like a sandcastle on the verge of collapse and like an impregnable fortress without a single crack.
Looking down at Duke Dright, who suddenly seemed smaller, I swallowed my saliva in silence.
Since nothing happens without a cause, everything inevitably connects to something else.
Thus, I had long anticipated that the affairs of Duke Dright were also bound to be connected to other matters.
But why do I feel so peculiarly strange? Why…
“Keep talking, I’m listening.”
…is the resentment in me fading?
Trying to recall the revulsion I felt at the casino last time, I urged Duke Dright not to stop speaking.
Taking several deep breaths, Duke Dright eventually began to speak again.
“One day, two days, a week, four months, one year, five years… No. I have endured so far. Convinced that I was born from God’s grace and was surely loved by God, I sought only God and lived as if I was not there beside my mother, who sought and acted only for God, as if I was dead.
“Wait. Does that mean, the Duchess did not love Lord Dright?”
“Ha. How could that be? There is no one else who could be as terribly obsessed with love as my mother. Damn it.”
Damn it. Lord Dright quietly cursed at the end of his sentence and, belatedly lowering the hand that had covered his face, stared at me with eyes filled with madness, as if asking whether I could bear the raw weight of what I had sought to know.
“My mother always told me that because I am a child loved by God, I should always be thankful to God. That she could love me was all thanks to God who created us, so our remaining lives should rightly be devoted to God. Yet, she never really loved ‘me’.”
“…”
“Even when I fell and cried, she said God would no longer let me hurt, when I became the top student at the academy, she said it was proof of God’s love for us, when I suffered from a high fever all night, she said to pray to receive God’s grace… That damn God, God, God, God!”
“Lord Dright. It seems you’re agitated, let’s…”
“I’m fine. I’ve lived my life this way forever. If you say this is abnormal now, what does that make of the life I’ve lived so far? I’ve always been like this. This is me! It’s me, I tell you!”
A sharp cry, directed at no one in particular, wandered aimlessly within the dungeon, eventually disappearing without a trace.
At the same time, a few pieces of it flew like needles into my heart, making the epithets I once heard about the young Duke Dright sparkle in my mind.
The prime marital candidate gifted by God Himself.
A person so virtuous that they would not feel a shred of shame in front of God.
The masterpiece of the Dright Ducal family, beloved by God.
Ah.
A soft sigh that couldn’t escape my lips vanished below my throat.
The realization that dawned on me was that none of those phrases ever contained the name of the young Duke Dright.
With my lips bitten tightly and my eyes, which had been wavering, now fixed on the young Duke Dright, I saw eyes that seemed like they would spill tears with a single touch, the color of amber.
I saw lips, still carrying the shadow of childhood, parched and so severely damaged that they could not be pieced back together, cracked to the extent that it was impossible for any more cracks to form.
All along, what have I been doing,
“Because of that, I hate that painting. Supposedly about love, but in the end, it’s another image of a baby angel embraced in God’s bosom, that’s me. Why. Why…… At that time, you surely weren’t yet blinded by faith in God, so why…… Where did it all start to go wrong? Is it because I was a bad child for not believing in God that things turned out this way? Or is it because I was a good child for neglecting my mother that this happened?”
What was it that I was looking at?
“Someone please tell me the answer, please. Since coming here, I haven’t missed a day pondering. At first, I wondered from where the tail got stepped on, then from where I should have been careful not to get caught, and finally, from where my life started to get tangled. All I wanted was to be loved, all I wanted was to be acknowledged by my mother, is that such a great sin?”
Really [thinking] that I could provide an answer, the young Duke Dright took one step, then another towards me, relentlessly pouring out questions.
Watching him with a stern face, I quietly murmured.
“No matter what, murder is an unforgivable sin.”
“But I hated them so much! It felt like I would go insane if I didn’t do it like that. Playing the role of a good child who forcefully believed in God, it felt like I was disappearing! It’s those brats’ fault for catching my eye in the first place. They should have never caught my eye from the beginning.”
“That’s just an excuse. An excuse cannot be a reason, young Duke Dright. And it certainly can’t be the truth.”
“…..”
As I delivered my sharp remark, the strides of the young Count Dright abruptly halted. Then, after a moment, he collapsed onto the cold stone ground, his face adopting the look of a lost child who had just lost his mother in the middle of a crowded city.
“I mean… that is to say…”
“I’m listening.”
“I know I did wrong and that I am beyond forgiveness, but I don’t regret it. If given another chance, I would do the same as long as my situation remains unchanged. However.”
Continuing in a tone that seemed to scold himself, Count Dright soon let out a small laugh filled with air. It was a laugh deeply laced with self-deprecation.
“However, I think I’ll give up on wanting to be loved by my mother. I’m too tired now. I have no strength to go on. I want to quit everything.”
“Count Dright.”
“I despise my mother. I hate her for turning me into this monster.”
With those words, Count Dright eventually showed tears. It was hard to believe that the tears of someone who had committed the heinous crime of murder could be so clear.
As I saw his tears streaming down his chin, I clenched my empty hands tightly.
Why do we live in a world where we cannot be satisfied with ourselves?
To get something, are we living in a world where getting hurt is inevitable?
If we could live as ourselves, with a body free from any wounds,
“……We’ll be going now, Duke Dright. Rest well.”
It would be really nice.
***
After concluding our whirlwind conversation with Duke Dright, I emerged from the underground dungeon with Cedrics. As we ascended from beneath the earth to the surface, the bright sunlight temporarily obstructed our vision.
While I was blinking several times to adjust my eyes to the dazzling light, Cedrics, who had been silent up until then, spoke.
“I knew you often had such thoughts, but I never imagined to this extent.”
“Cedrics, you naturally wouldn’t know. Even I wouldn’t have known.”
Just as I still might not fully understand the feelings of my sister when Ian was adopted into our family and when the proposal from Ruth came.
I genuinely empathized with Cedrics’ words and drew a faint smile on my lips. Then, gently patting his somewhat shrunk shoulders, I said,
“But Cedrics, we must not forget that we are merely specks in this world. Therefore, there are certainly things in this world that are beyond our control.”
“What do you mean…?”
“I mean just that. Even if you had known the inner thoughts of Duke Dright all along, could you have soothed his troubled mind? No, even if you did soothe him, could it have changed Duke Dright?”
“…I guess I couldn’t have.”
“That’s right. Everything has its own time. We are merely a speck in this world, it’s a time we cannot help. This situation is no different. So, don’t be too discouraged. Because you’re doing well enough.”
Upon hearing my advice, Cedric’s pale eyes fixed on me for a moment. Then, with a face about to cry or laugh, he began to speak.
“Thank you for your kind words. Having heard what you’ve said, somehow my mind feels a bit clearer.”
“I’m glad to hear that. So, what will you do now?”
“I plan to sort out the tasks my brother was handling. Also, I will identify and keep by my side those vassals who have nothing to do with my brother’s work.”
“That sounds good. And then?”
“And then…”
As I nodded and asked, Cedric’s gaze flickered briefly before becoming clear again.
“I will remember.”
“What will you remember?”
“My brother.”
Perhaps it was me, perhaps it was mother, perhaps it was my brother, perhaps it was the empire that might have ruined my brother.
Adding one more sentence to his words, Cedric lifted the corners of his mouth a bit more.
Watching Cedric like that, I soon followed suit, curving my eyes into half-moons.
And then, as if making a promise, I muttered,
“I will remember too.”
All of this, without leaving anything out.
