I imagined my sister handing over a handkerchief with a rabbit drawn on it to someone. Since she always behaved in such a mature manner, it was hard to believe that she also had a childhood. There was an odd, surreal feeling brushing against my skin.
But surely, there were sides to my sister I didn’t know about. For example, the childhood that Lady Sirael, the Countess, is mentioning now.
As I suppressed my instinctive curiosity and judged logically, Lady Sirael, who had taken another sip of her tea, murmured softly,
“At that time, I felt embarrassed to be pitied by such a young child, so I reacted coldly on purpose. Looking back, I can’t believe how childish my actions were, trying to have a standoff with a child, no less twenty years my junior.”
“I think I understand how you felt, though. I would have been embarrassed too if a child had seen my weak side. I don’t know if it’s just me, but somehow, I want to appear grown-up in front of children.”
“That’s right. I felt exactly the same way. Now that I look back, being twenty-five was still quite young. I wonder why I was so eager to be seen as an adult.”
Lady Sirael responded with a laugh, and a serene light entered her eyes. It was a light that reminded one of the time of day when late afternoon transitions into evening, a time often referred to as “the hour between dog and wolf.”
If I were to give a color to my sentiment, it would undoubtedly be orange.
I gazed distantly at that light, then quietly mulled over the sentence uttered by Countess Sirael. That twenty-five is young enough. Does that mean I, at twenty-three, am also sufficiently young? An age where it’s alright not to be an adult?
…Right. This isn’t what’s important now. Stop getting sidetracked, Selena.
My flowing thoughts were abruptly halted, without any warning signs, as my sense of reality snapped back. Simultaneously, an indescribable emptiness swept through my heart.
To erase that unpleasant feeling of emptiness, I deliberately listened even more intently to the Countess Sirael’s story, my eyes sparkling.
“Anyway, getting back to the point, the lady insisted on coming to me, hugging me out of nowhere. Then, she wiped my tears with a handkerchief that had a rabbit drawn on it. To be honest, it hurt quite a bit. However, it seemed not unpleasant since it felt like the touch stemmed from the pure heart of a child.”
“Ah. I should apologize for that now…”
“No, please don’t apologize. If the lady apologizes for that incident, it feels like the clumsy and adorable shape of a child that remains in my memory will be erased.”
“…”
“Such warm hands. Childlike yet somehow strong. I found that contradiction so odd, I asked the lady why she didn’t act like a typical child. It might have sounded a bit mocking, but please understand, I was just a nobility lady full of pretense back then.”
“I understand.”
I flinched momentarily at the Countess of Sirael’s use of the term “childlike”.
It’s not that I was surprised that my sister wasn’t childlike when she was four or five, but that I was surprised I didn’t quite understand what she meant by childlike.
What is considered childlike, anyway? Is it acting the opposite of an adult? Or is it like the children in novels, unpredictable and running around, roaming the alleys?
The more questions I had, the more I vaguely remembered a voice from my unconsciousness I had heard before.
“Find his cracks.”
“Just like you did in the library earlier, break free; if not, you will crumble. You’ll be swept away and disappear by the overflowing river.”
It might be a bit late, but I’ve become curious about the identity of the voice’s owner. Who are you?
“Did the princess answer my question like this? Now I am her sister, so I can’t be a child. I must grow up quickly to protect my sibling. So if my sibling falls, I must pick them up, if they cry, I must comfort them, if they are sad, I must make them laugh. That’s what being a sister is about.”
“….”
As the Countess of Sirael’s recollection continued, I felt as though I was choking and bit my lower lip.
I had known for a long time that my sister had a strong sense of responsibility, but I didn’t know it was for this reason. I didn’t know that it was for this reason she had discarded her childishness and wished to grow up on her own.
But if so, if my sister cared so much for me, why did she disappear without saying anything, leaving me with all this burden? After the realization, a childish hatred overflowed. It was uncertain where this hatred originated from. No, even if it wasn’t uncertain, I didn’t want to bother finding out.
While I was being steeped in constantly changing emotions, Lady Sirael Countess subtly showed a smile with her eyes. That crescent-like smile offered an inexplicable warmth.
“I made a promise to the princess after hearing that. Since the princess gave me a handkerchief when I was in trouble, I too will reach out to the princess when she’s in trouble and told her to ask for help at least once. The princess might not know, but I can’t live in debt to someone.”
“Ah. Then, by any chance, is that promise still valid…?”
“No. The princess has already asked for help once, and with that, the promise has become a thing of the past.”
“…What?”
I couldn’t hide my genuine surprise this time. My eyes widened, and my voice faltered weakly.
If what Lady Sirael Countess said was true, then my sister had already once sought her help.
That’s why she said that the promise had become a thing of the past. And seeing the meaningful expression on Lady Sirael Countess’s face now, it’s highly likely that the promise is still ongoing in the present tense.
Having quickly assessed the situation, I steadied my wavering gaze and silently signaled for her to add an explanation. Then, Countess Sirael, after neatly finishing the remaining tea in her cup, slowly began to speak.
“The lady visited me a few months ago, asking for help as she had promised me long ago. I remember every single detail of that request.”
“What was it?”
“To help the lady’s younger brother.”
The lady’s younger brother… me?
I swallowed hard at the Countess Sirael’s unexpected revelation, then silently waited for her to continue.
“The current situation is too dire for a lengthy explanation, but should someone with a face resembling the lady’s claim to be the lady herself and enter the royal palace, that person would be the lady’s younger brother, attempting to save her,”
Countess Sirael looked me straight in the eye, speaking slowly as if to make sure I missed not a single word, as if she knew my true identity.
No, that can’t be.
Brushing off the rising doubts, I soon faced a second question.
“Do you really hope that the Countess of Sirael didn’t know your true identity? That your suspicions were wrong?
The lips that had been slightly parted now closed smoothly. The mouth, having lost words, excused its instinctive movements under the good pretext of silence.
While thoughts intersecting within me were causing friction, the Countess of Sirael, stroking her chin with an inexplicable gesture, concluded the conversation.
“The lady wished that I would help her sibling as much as possible so that she won’t become a sister who abandons her brother. By helping the lady’s brother, she said that eventually, I would come back to sort out the things the lady had done, so she asked me to promise this until then and even knelt before me.”
“No way.”
Having heard this far, there was no way I could deny it any longer.
As I struggled to move my heavy eyelids to hide my blue irises filled with joy and anxiety, the Countess of Sirael smiled more broadly than before. Then, with a tender voice I had never heard from her before, she greeted me.
“Yes. Nice to meet you, little lady of the Obelton family.”
Ah.
A low sigh burst from my throat.
“…Yes.”
I managed to compose my sinking voice and barely uttered a word.
“I certainly feel the same.”
I was still not sure what this unsettling feeling in my stomach was, but I could be certain of one thing. Perhaps, I wanted to know that I was not alone here.
“Pleased to meet you, Countess Sirael.”
It seems I needed someone who could recognize me for who I am, even without any special powers, just like Tommy did.
***
Today’s session with Countess Sirael was more a conversation about the past than a lesson, but that alone was enough for me. Through talking with her, I learned why she, a popular governess, specifically made time to apply for the position of my bridal lesson teacher and why she had pretended not to know my true identity all this time. It was all at my sister’s request.
“I thought you had just left me with your luggage.”
I grumbled with a pout but soon burst into laughter. The warmth brewing in my heart wasn’t bad at all. In fact, it was too good.
“Perhaps that was Lady Serbia’s way of loving Lady Selena.”
Countess Sirael’s words, recalled inadvertently, melted my heart even more. Until not so long ago, I couldn’t comprehend the various forms of love, but now, it seemed I might be able to understand them.
In that moment of unfounded confidence, a painting I had seen when I went to the casino with Ruth appeared before my eyes.
“Damned god.”
The painting captured an image of a seemingly peaceful cherub, titled “Love.”
