Fortunately, since I didn’t wake up late, after slowly getting ready, it was time to meet Ian as promised.
“Uh, sigh.”
As usual, I prepared a cup of peppermint tea for Ian and tried to calm my trembling heart.
Although there had been a bit of a clash last time, those feelings had long been erased. After all, something so minor could not damage the relationship bound by the name of family between Ian and me.
I was wondering what to say to Ian, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, when at that moment, the much-awaited voice came from outside the door.
“Sister. I am here.”
“Ian!”
As soon as I heard Ian’s voice mixed with laughter, I happily sprang to my feet. It was useless to try to suppress my trembling heart, but it didn’t matter.
Hearing my warm welcome dripping with joy, Ian entered the sitting room without hesitation. Then, he naturally took a seat opposite me, removing the gloves he was wearing.
“I was going to ask if you’ve been well, but it’s a relief to see that you are.”
“What reason would I have not to be? Likewise, it looks like you’ve been doing well, Ian. That’s good.”
I returned Ian’s playful comment in kind. Then, he covered his mouth with an empty fist, letting out a hearty laugh, and then swept his hand across his face.
“I was worried. I couldn’t sleep well, worrying something might have happened to you, sister. But seeing you looking so good now, I think I can finally sleep.”
“Are you still suffering from severe insomnia?”
“It’s not severe, but… I’m not really sure. I thought I was getting better, but recently I’ve started having trouble sleeping again.”
Ian hesitated at my question, then finally nodded his head. The silver hair that followed his gesture had lost some of its brightness compared to 11 years ago.
Seeing him drop his shoulders as if confessing a shameful secret, I reluctantly gave a faint smile.
If I were to give off a gloomy vibe here, Ian would regret telling me the truth. Because based on his personality that I’ve observed all this time, Ian is someone who could drive himself to the edge over a minor mistake.
So, I deliberately hid my surprise at the fact that he was still suffering from insomnia and continued the conversation.
“Your insomnia is because of nightmares, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still not want to discuss what those nightmares are about?”
“Um.”
When I cautiously probed, Ian moved his eyebrows as if he found it troubling.
At the sight of a reaction that appeared nothing but an obvious rejection, I bit down hard on my lips that had been slightly parted. Not knowing what to say to him, I chose silence instead.
Should I be grateful that he didn’t immediately scowl as he would have in the past? Or should I feel hurt that he still seemed unwilling to reveal what nightmares plagued him?
As the air in the reception room grew heavier, my mind worked overtime. Whenever this topic came up, Ian would clam up like a mermaid who had forgotten how to speak, making it solely my responsibility to break the ensuing silence.
During one such moment of contemplation, I suddenly remembered the time I learned of his insomnia. It was six years ago that I discovered Ian suffered from severe insomnia.
That night, unable to fall asleep after tossing and turning for a long time, I went out to the living room to drink a glass of water. That’s when I saw him sitting on the couch in a motionless pose, staring out the window.
Though I never found out what he was looking at that day, the sight of Ian’s expressionless face swallowed by the moonlight was strikingly memorable, coming back to me from time to time even after many years.
Thanks to that, I realized Ian was harboring a secret pain, one that was consuming him both physically and mentally.
After coming to that realization, I did everything I could to help him. From fragrances and teas known to aid sleep to dreamcatchers and lullabies, I did everything within my power to assist him.
Ian might have seen through my sincerity, as he was cooperative every time I tried something new and often thanked me. However, he consistently remained silent about the one thing: his nightmares.
It seems futile again today. I should probably change the subject.
Just when I decided to do so with a sigh, Ian, having finished pondering, looked at me with eyes showing firm intent.
“Do you want to hear it?”
“Huh? Ian, are you willing to talk now?”
“It’s not really a big secret. I just didn’t want to share something unpleasant with you.”
Though he didn’t say it directly, it was clearly an affirmation. It also signaled that he finally found the courage to reveal a truth he had kept secret for six years.
I’m glad he’s willing to talk now.
Feeling relieved, I tried my best to suppress the corners of my mouth from rising. My joy did not stem from merely satisfying an old curiosity, but from unlocking a barrier that had been between Ian and me for so long.
While I was overwhelmed by my emotions, Ian broke the ice.
“I dream of that day’s events every time I sleep.”
“That day?”
“The Duke, no. The day our father passed away.”
“….”
There are many fears in the world, and it would be the same for Ian. So if he had nightmares, there wasn’t necessarily a need for them to be connected to the anniversary of his father’s death. No, it would be more accurate to say that I hoped they weren’t connected.
But he had a nightmare related to our father’s death…
I barely managed to swallow the bitterness that surged up. Recalling memories I struggled to erase from my mind for the sake of survival, the thought of Ian seeing them every night made me frown.
Just as I was about to comfort him, saying he must have had a tough time, Ian continued speaking after washing his face.
“Do you know why that dream becomes a nightmare for me?”
“Why?”
“You’re not there.”
“Huh?”
I’m not there? What does that mean?
His unexpected words made my eyes widen.
Catching a glimpse of me, Ian painted a self-mocking yet tragic smile.
Somehow, I could recognize that smile as being similar to the one Ruth once had when he talked about ‘that child.’ It was the smile of a person on the verge of collapse.
“Mother and my older sister are both tied to their memories, crying, but my sister is nowhere to be found. She’s nowhere.”
“What is that…”
“So, it’s a nightmare.”
I chewed over his words for a few seconds before swallowing hard.
The sight of servants dead in a gruesome manner, knights who watched other people’s tragedies with a snicker, crying family members… But what if I’m the only one not there in all of that?
I rubbed my arms, which had goosebumps at the thought of such an unwelcome situation, and then finally looked at Ian, who was trembling pitifully with his broad back.
“I’m sorry, Ian. I had no idea about any of this…”
“It’s not something for you to apologize for, sister. So, stand tall. We’re meeting after such a long time; are we going to spend it feeling down? I don’t want that.”
“Ian.”
“I’m fine. It’s just a dream, and you are here with me in reality. That’s enough for me. More than enough, I feel fulfilled.”
He murmured his excuse, seemingly unaware of how pale his complexion was. Nor how much it worried those who saw him.
I looked at Ian struggling to smile and just twitched my lips before I finally took a step and approached him.
“Why do you suddenly stand up…!”
“You’ve had a tough time. It must have been hard on your own.”
Before Ian could even show his doubts upon noticing my sudden move, I sat beside him and hugged his sturdy upper body with all my strength. To be precise, it ended up him being embraced by me.
Originally, the idea of me trying to embrace Ian with my body size was ridiculous.
Still, focusing on the intention to hug, I gently patted Ian’s back as if soothing a crying child.
Ian, who silently accepted my touch, soon replied in a deeply laden voice.
“…Yes. It was very hard.”
“Thank you for telling me now. From now on, I’ll be someone you can rely on.”
“You already are more than enough, sister.”
“You do talk nicely.”
I confirmed that Ian was somewhat okay and then I changed the subject as I went back to my original place.
“So, about that sword?”
“Here it is.”
Ian rummaged through the spatial pocket pulled from the pocket of his outer garment and soon took his hand out.
In his grasp was a jet-black dagger. Perhaps because it reminded me of the night sky, the dagger exhibited an indescribable beauty.
I etched a beautiful dagger onto my retina as I murmured softly,
“Pretty.”
“Would you also like one of these, my lady?”
“But, it seems like it wouldn’t be very useful.”
“It’s for decorative purposes, you know.”
“Still. It would be better for the sword to fulfill its purpose, wouldn’t it?”
“That’s true.”
Ian, who seemed ready to buy the splendid dagger at any moment, seemed persuaded by my argument and relaxed his body.
I briefly felt relieved, then something I had forgotten came to mind and I sighed.
I almost forgot the most important thing.
“Ah. And Ian.”
“Yes?”
“A hunting tournament is coming up soon.”
“Yes, I believe it’s in less than a month now.”
Ian blinked slowly, puzzled as to why I was bringing up the hunting tournament now.
I giggled at him, who seemed to have a large question mark over his head, and then asked my prepared question.
“Could you possibly help His Majesty during the nobles’ meeting before the hunting tournament?”
