2. The Result of a Wrong Belief
If I have done something wrong, may I be punished by God. But if you have done something wrong, may I be punished. If even what I wished for is a sin, then I probably can’t leave hell for the rest of my life.
My sin was loving you, and my punishment was death.
***
Growing up, Damon witnessed a misguided form of love. His mother, exhausted by an unrequited love, took her own life, while his father, realizing his love too late, spiraled into a life of ruin.
Damon, who grew up amidst this, never really understood how to deal with love. Is love about giving everything? What does it feel like to experience a emotion filled with pain and sadness? Why do people continuously seek love despite numerous heartbreaks?
There were too many unfathomable things, among which love seemed like an unknown being, always bringing unease.
However, after getting married and having children, he began to grasp what that emotion was about.
When he married his wife, he felt overwhelmed with emotion; upon the birth of his first child, he realized what it felt like to have the world in his hands. When his first and second child started talking and walking, he felt sad. Or rather, was it happiness?
He wasn’t sure. Having learned and grown up with a distorted understanding of love, Damon was a fool in many regards. Yet, he thought he was getting better.
But everything twisted the moment his second child, Selena, brought a dead dog back to life.
“Never tell anyone, darling. Understand? If others find out, they will be jealous and desire it, and your life will be destroyed. Remember these words from your father.”
A primal fear overcame him. The fear of loss. The fear reminded him of his father, who realized his love too late and became a ruined man.
Such fears consumed Damon. His excuse was love.
Yes, he ‘loved’ his child too much.
“Sweetheart, what did I say I’d do if you didn’t listen to me?”
“…I-I’m sorry. I just felt sorry for the butterfly…”
“So, you’re willing to risk your safety just for a butterfly? Just for one? Outside this mansion is dangerous for you. So, be careful. Is it really that hard to remember this one fact?”
“No, it’s not.”
“Seri, I don’t ask for much. I just want you to be safe. And for that, you need to stay inside this mansion, so I can protect you. Understand?”
“Yes…”
Out of love, the child was nudged, oppressed, and deprived of freedom. Its wings were trampled and its breath cut off, all out of love. At first, there was some remorse. The child whose life was ruined because of a single golden drop received from the gods was pitiful. I was also aware that my actions were leading in a strange direction.
But at some point, it began to rationalize.
All these actions were for Seri.
If I didn’t do this, worse things would happen to Seri.
So, I’m not doing anything wrong.
If you shout a lie a hundred times, it becomes the truth. If you cover the eyes of truth and don’t release it, even falsehood becomes the truth. Thus, Damon’s belief became the truth. It became absolute justice, an immaculate state without any flaws.
“Honey, I think we’re being a bit harsh on Seri.”
“What are you looking at? Seri has a special power. If this power becomes known to the outside, if it becomes known that a part of the first emperor is with our Seri, then it’s the end for our family.”
“But still…”
“Don’t lose your heart. We made this choice for Seri.”
There were many chances to turn back. When his wife held his hand and asked him to think again. When his eldest said that it seemed like his father was too caught up in his own thoughts. When his adopted son asked if he didn’t feel sorry for Seri.
Damon could have turned back.
Not doing so was his mistake.
And as a result, he died for his family.
Though it happened due to his resolution never to bow down to the anti-emperor faction, he didn’t have to die. Damon died entirely for his family. Because only by his death could his family live honorably. Because then they might even beg for their lives from the next emperor.
“Shh.”
Before dying, he said to the child who had tormented him so. He could have said something better. Perhaps, to live happily, or that he was sorry. Surely, there was time for that much.
However, it was Damon’s impulse that merely uttered the word “Shh.”
Keep the secret to survive. Although he could no longer protect the child, he hoped this phrase would save the child.
Realizing his mistakes at the last moment might have been a punishment for his deeds. Why did it take so long for him to realize his beliefs were misguided?
The unanswered question seeped into the blood-splattered spring earth. The indelible stains of blood remained, quelling his fading consciousness, much like his lingering regrets.
Thinking back, he remembered the child loved water. It seemed the child never tired of watching the rain falling from the windows.
The child also liked blue things. Recalling how the child exceptionally adored his eyes, Damon held back a laugh.
The child couldn’t handle spicy food well, wasn’t good at dancing, and when laughing, a dimple-like line formed at the corner of his mouth, and more, and more…
Thinking about it, the child never talked back to him. Never strongly demanded anything needed or wanted. The child lived quietly, almost doll-like.
Why was that?
Thinking about it, it was his fault as well.
He was the one who killed the child.
And ignorantly, he was the one barking around like a damned dog, unaware of that fact.
***
“Do you want to meet the child again?”
I wonder how long I had been asleep.
My eyes, wrapped in a droning sound from somewhere, opened. Then, I found myself lying in a space filled with bright white light.
A child.
Did I have a child?
Yes, that’s right.
I had a child whom I had killed.
“I would like to meet them.”
Damon responded as politely as possible. Perhaps because his mere voice carried an intimidating presence, his body seemed to tremble slightly.
He smiled, as if satisfied with the answer tinged with a trembling voice.
“Yes, I will give you one last gift. Before you ascend the river of reincarnation, shake off all your remaining regrets.”
“…I will do so.”
The thought ‘Can I really do that?’ crossed my mind first, but I didn’t voice it out. If I even slightly displeased that being here, it was clear I wouldn’t be able to see the child.
When I meet the child, there was something I desperately wanted to say. At that time, it ended with just a “Shh,” but there was something I wanted to say.
You shine and are beautiful just by being you, so don’t worry about what the world says. You deserve to be my proud child.
And if possible, if there is such a thing as a next life, I hope you find better parents and live happily. A father who unlike me, knows how to love and gives you everything you deserve.
If I have done wrong, may God punish me, but if you have done wrong, I will take your punishment. Hate me, who loved you too much, and move forward.
I wanted to tell you this.
But.
“Father.”
“…….”
You always exceed my expectations.
“I realized after becoming an adult. There’s no such thing as a perfect adult anywhere. That includes parents too.”
“…….”
You always shake me, filled with wrong thoughts.
“If there really is such a thing as a next life given to us, please find me again as my father.”
See you later, Dad. At the moment the child called him “Dad,” Damon broke down.
It was as if the lifeline he was barely holding onto had snapped.
He had wished the child would resent him.
No, did you really wish for that?
I wished for the child to forget me and live happily.
No, did you really wish for that?
I wished for the child to step on me and fly above.
No, did you really wish for that?
Doubts began to arise at the end of all certainty. Those budding doubts bore a massive fruit.
“Now, it’s time to ascend to the river of reincarnation. Did you find satisfaction in this life, my child?”
“…I don’t know.”
Damon sat down where Seri had left, answering weakly, just as the warmth she left behind was fading, attempting to grasp it somehow.
“When you ascend to the river of reincarnation, you will be forgotten and erased from this world. In exchange, you might exist again in the distant future.”
“I see.”
“Yes, my child. So, were you happy in your life? Or are you still not sure?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know at all. Was I happy?”
Now becoming a simpleton who doesn’t know happiness. But it was okay. Because the child promised to meet again later. This time, I can learn happiness from the child, just as he learned about love.
The entity that loved all things asked Damon’s response.
“What is your last wish?”
Damon hesitated at that. What should he say? What choice should he make to not regret it later?
Having experienced such bitter regret, he didn’t want to feel this way ever again. It was a feeling he desperately wanted to rip out and throw far away if only he could.
After sitting silently and pondering for a long time, Damon finally stood up. There was actually nothing to ponder about. What he wished for was already decided.
Facing the all-white space, he opened his mouth.
“I want to live as a father to my children in my next life as well.”
My crime was loving you, and my punishment was death.
And at the end of my punishment, you were there.
The result of a misguided belief. The End.
