There Is No Way You Love Me

Every nation across the continent, including the Empire, had long rejected monsters.

Seen as an evil to be eradicated, monsters had been targeted for extermination for as long as history could remember.

But one small country to the west, Elsha, was the exception.

Elsha was a nation founded by wandering gypsies who had settled there. They held no prejudice against any being, including monsters.

Believing that monsters, if not as intelligent as humans, still possessed some level of sentience, the people of Elsha thought that by understanding their behavior, they might discover a way to coexist.

Despite being mocked as barbarians for considering monsters as peers, the people of Elsha remained resolute.

After years of effort, they managed to tame some monsters, achieving a temporary coexistence—but only for a moment.

The once-tamed monsters suddenly turned violent and attacked the people, as if triggered, and other monsters swarmed in as well.

This catastrophe led to the deaths of most of Elsha’s population, and the peaceful, small island they inhabited became uninhabitable for humans.

The few surviving Elshans fled to the neighboring Empire. Though they were met with disdain and ridicule as “barbarians,” they had no other choice.

That same ridicule was directed towards Kieran, who bore even half the blood of an Elshan.

Kieran was an illegitimate child. His father initially tried to deny his existence, but since the child bore such a strong resemblance to him, he was eventually registered into the count’s family.

All Kieran received from his mother was his name, yet everyone knew him as the one who carried “barbarian” blood.

“My mother was a kind woman,” he said softly.

In that dim, dusty room that barely caught any light, her red hair was always brilliant, a bright memory in the gloom.

Even in a distant country, bearing a child with a man she didn’t love, she never broke down.

She poured all her love into him, raising him with strength and resilience. To honor her lost homeland, she gave her child a name from her native land.

“She held a grudge against the monsters that destroyed her home, yet she could never fully turn her back on the creatures she had grown up alongside since birth.”

The woman was kind, but not strong.

She did not hesitate to give her child the name from her homeland, yet when he came home in tears after being teased for it, she, too, would be at a loss and could only cry with him.

“She told me that story often,” Kieran murmured, remembering.

“My child, that place is truly beautiful. It’s a place where your name would be anything but unusual.”

“My beloved child, you should have been born there.”

“…I’m sorry, so sorry.”

The words “I’m sorry” and “I love you” made up almost everything she ever said to him.

The more days she spent weeping, the more her apologies grew. Even as she took her final breaths, she continued her apologies.

“Please, never forget how much I love you…”

But her final words weren’t an apology, so Kieran could never bring himself to resent her.

“She was a beautiful person.”

His hatred for his father, the count, was absolute. But thoughts of his mother always left him feeling lost.

Would it have been easier if I could have blamed you, too?

“I see…” came a soft reply. Kieran realized he had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed Alyssa’s response.

“Then, you must have taken after your mother.”

The worry he’d felt now seemed almost ridiculous, as Alyssa reacted just as he’d hoped, without a trace of disdain, her words as calm and neutral as always. Kieran found himself momentarily speechless.

“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever been told I resemble her in any way,” he said at last.

At that, Alyssa tilted her head slightly, her crown of hair dipping to one side, just enough to obscure her face.

“Maybe not in appearance, but in other ways, I’m sure you do. Your kindness, for one thing… and, more than anything—”

With her head angled so her face wasn’t visible, she continued softly, “—being beautiful, too.”

Her words left Kieran wide-eyed in surprise, while Alyssa looked entirely unbothered, as if she hadn’t said anything unusual.

Does she even realize what she just said?

This was the same person who became flustered over the smallest things but had no trouble saying something so unexpectedly bold. Kieran felt himself growing uncharacteristically self-conscious, caught completely off guard. He breathed in sharply, at a loss for words, fumbling for some kind of reply.

In the end, he let out a light laugh at his own reaction, then another as he saw Alyssa’s serene expression, as if completely unaware of the effect of her words.

It was a simple, almost foolish exchange that left him smiling.

 

---

 

Alyssa still had nightmares.

 But now, when she opened her eyes, the view she woke to had changed.

Waking just as the dark blue sky was beginning to lighten, Alyssa gasped softly in surprise. Kieran’s face was extremely close, having turned toward her in his sleep.

Confirming that he was still sound asleep, Alyssa placed a hand over her heart to calm herself.

She had always been an early riser, but ever since she’d started sharing a room with Kieran, she’d begun waking even earlier. Naturally, the reason was Kieran.

The day he’d first shaken her awake when she was caught in a nightmare still left her fingertips cold when she thought of it. But it wasn’t the nightmare, nor the head maid, that made her shiver. What had shaken Alyssa was the unfamiliar warmth, not the misfortune she had grown used to.

Did he see my face?

The thought made her tense up, fearing that he might suddenly wake. But contrary to her worry, he continued to breathe evenly, sound asleep. 

…It’s all right.

Alyssa’s breathing settled, calm and even, mirroring that of the one asleep beside her.

Her memories of that night were incomplete. Only the voice calling her name and a hand gripping her shoulder stood out clearly. She had caught a faint glimpse of his face—perhaps clearer than usual—but she had drifted back into sleep before confirming any details.

He probably didn’t see it, she reassured herself, and it wasn’t entirely baseless comfort. Since that night, Kieran’s demeanor hadn’t changed much. He still spoke to her as always and shared breakfast with her every morning. If he had seen her face, surely his attitude would have shifted.

Alyssa was genuinely grateful that Kieran was not particularly curious.

Other nobles from neighboring lands, troubled by the appearance of monsters, occasionally engaged with Alyssa. Instead of showing fear, they would laugh and casually prod her, asking to see her face. Though she lowered her head, they persisted, begging to see her face or even reaching out to lift her hair without permission. Those who finally saw her face would pull back, frowning or clicking their tongues in disapproval, their once-friendly smiles fading instantly. Alyssa remembered the swift shift in their expressions all too well.

If Kieran had ever expressed curiosity about her face, would she have been able to refuse him?

She didn’t have to think hard for an answer. Likely, she would not have been able to.

How could she ever turn down his request?

And yet, she knew that if Kieran ever did see her face, his reaction would probably be no different from anyone else’s.

She lowered her head. This was why she always woke alone in the early hours, before anyone else. She didn’t want to see the look of distaste on Kieran’s face.

Alyssa didn’t recall ever seeing him make such an expression, not clearly. Kieran’s face was always calm and smooth, like still water.

Sometimes, he would even smile—softly, fleetingly, or at times, bright and vivid. Alyssa couldn’t help but gather those smiles, clutching onto them like a beggar grasping at coins tossed by a wealthy man. Even the faintest hint of a smile held her captive.

When he happened to smile directly at her, her breath would stop.

Kieran was the only beautiful thing in her dark, grim life. If she could see more of that smile, she felt she could do anything.

Yet, he asked for nothing. He never wanted anything from her—not even the smallest thing, unlike others who had once made countless demands of her.

Alyssa’s gaze grew damp and clouded. She liked drinking tea or sharing a meal with someone, but was Kieran really fine with it?

“Mm…”

Just then, Kieran, who had been sleeping soundly, stirred and let out a soft murmur. He curled up slightly as if he were cold.

Moving quietly, Alyssa crept over to the fireplace, noticing that the embers had nearly died out.

The northern nights were so cold that even Alyssa, accustomed to the chill, would sometimes wake from the freezing air. Because of that, if she didn’t frequently check, the fireplace flames would often die out.

She smiled unconsciously and rose to fetch some firewood, but just then, the servant’s door opened, and a servant carrying logs and charcoal stepped inside.

“Did you cough, your grace? I was just about to add logs to the fireplace…”

Hesitating, the servant cautiously approached the fireplace. Moments later, flames crackled to life, filling the room with warmth.

Even after the servant left, Alyssa stood there for a while, watching the revived fire. Her hand lingered in the air, grasping at nothing.