There Is No Way You Love Me

Alyssa’s day always begins with a nightmare.

‘Again, today.’

Startled awake, Alyssa got out of bed without even taking a moment to catch her breath.

The sound of the piercing scream she had just heard still seemed to echo in her ears. However, the nightmares that came without fail every day were now something she had grown accustomed to.

A dim, gloomy light was seeping through the window, even though the sun had yet to rise. Alyssa brushed her ragged hair away from her face and got out of bed.

Her days, which began before dawn, typically started with training, but today, instead of picking up her sword, she picked up a pen and sat down at the desk beside her bed.

Piles of documents were stacked on the desk. As she flipped through the ink-stained papers with a thoughtful expression, Alyssa frowned.

Her eyes and forehead were obscured by her hair, but the stubbornly pursed lips made her feelings clear.

Given her status as a duchess, it was not unusual for Alyssa to be sifting through paperwork. However, the documents she was currently wrestling with were not related to the affairs of her estate. More precisely, they had nothing to do with the welfare of the villagers or the subjugation of monsters.

‘Fabric… silk? I know this. Satin, velvet…?’

She struggled for a long time with terms that were utterly unfamiliar to her.

The documents listed various luxury items, and among them were crystal chandeliers and fountains typically supplied only to the imperial palace.

Compared to the opulence of these items, Alyssa, who was reading the catalog, looked utterly shabby.

This wasn’t just due to her tangled, unkempt long hair. Her appearance, with well-worn pants, a repeatedly mended shirt, and dust-covered shoes, made her look more like a stable hand than a duchess. But the Benoit duchy had more things in shambles than just the appearance of its lord.

The Benoit duchy was a duchy in name only, poorer than most baronies.

The land was barren, and the mines had long since dried up. On top of that, the duchy was bordered by the Monster Forest, forcing them into frequent battles. It was a wonder that the duchy hadn’t collapsed yet, given how impoverished it was.

Even though she was fully aware of the dire circumstances of her territory, Alyssa earnestly reviewed the items.

The reason she suddenly decided to consider acquiring such extravagant luxuries was due to an imperial decree that arrived a few days earlier.

When the messenger first arrived at the Benoit estate, Alyssa didn’t think much of it.

The emperor often sent decrees ordering Alyssa to provide escorts or go on expeditions, so she assumed it was something similar this time.

It did bother her a little that she hadn’t been paid for her mercenary work on several occasions, but she couldn’t refuse the emperor’s command simply because she hadn’t received payment.

However, when Alyssa opened the envelope with a calm expression and read its contents, her eyes widened in shock.

The decree announced that she would be rewarded, a stark contrast to the numerous times her army had been used without compensation. The problem, though, was that the reward wasn’t money or grain.

‘Marriage?’

Alyssa was twenty-one this year. Considering that most nobles marry at nineteen, she was already past the typical age. The emperor’s “reward” was to find a match for the unmarried duchess.

Alyssa bit her lip as she recalled the contents of the decree that had troubled her for so long.

She had resigned herself to not receiving proper compensation.

It was rare for those who needed Alyssa to pay her fairly. Given the impoverished state of her estate, receiving payment wouldn’t have made much of a difference anyway.

However, the problem lay in the match the emperor had chosen for Alyssa.

Kieran Albrecht, the second son of  Count Albrecht.

He was of too low a status to marry a duchess like Alyssa. But anyone who had seen Alyssa and Kieran together would never say that Kieran was lacking compared to her.

Kieran was beautiful.

Alyssa couldn’t bring herself to add any other words to that sentence. She feared that her inadequate vocabulary would tarnish the true meaning of the word.

She had attended several social parties in the capital as a reward for slaying the monsters there. It was at one of those parties, where she felt as out of place as if she were wearing the wrong clothes, that she saw Kieran.

Alyssa found herself staring at him, momentarily entranced. She knew it was foolish, but she couldn’t help it.

Even among people dressed in expensive evening wear, holding champagne, Kieran stood out. His smile, delicate as a flower, and his graceful gestures shone brighter than the elaborate chandeliers, making it impossible for her to look away. The moment Kieran turned his head toward her, Alyssa quickly averted her gaze, startled.

He was a man she couldn’t even bring herself to meet eyes with, let alone reach out to. And now, this man was to become her husband.

Alyssa desperately tried to refuse, but the emperor, perhaps thinking she wanted a different reward, forcefully pushed the marriage forward. Despite being matched with such an exceptional partner, Alyssa felt no joy at all.

‘He’ll think I’m dreadful.’

Kieran was the noble son of a count. What would he think when he saw all of this—the rundown Benoit estate—after living a life of luxury in the capital?

She didn’t need to ask; it was obvious. Just imagining that beautiful face twisted in contempt made Alyssa want to die.

After being coerced into accepting the marriage, Alyssa tried her best to at least improve the dreadful state of the castle.

The result was the documents now in her hands, but she faced yet another challenge.

The types of fabrics, the types of plates, the types of glassware, and countless other decorations—there were too many options.

Choosing things she had never encountered in her life was incredibly difficult for Alyssa.

Most of all, the prices were exorbitant. She wanted to at least replace the plates with something better, but even one plate cost a month’s living expenses for the castle.

‘The cutlery is even more expensive.’

There was no point in debating whether it should be platinum or silver. Even high-quality bronze was too expensive. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t create money out of nothing.

Alyssa, who had been reading the documents persistently, eventually found herself on the verge of tears.

Even if she wanted to borrow money, who would lend to such a poor estate? Nobles aside, even merchants would likely refuse her.

Alyssa wearily lifted her gaze to look at her room. Even though it was clearly the best room in the castle, reserved for the lord, it was bleak and desolate.

She bowed her head deeply, alternating her thoughts between the cloudy, cracked small windows and the expensive glass.

She had fought desperately to try to decorate the castle despite knowing she had no money, but it had all been in vain.

Alyssa, seeing her efforts come to nothing, stood up from her seat, still looking at the shabby room.

Tomorrow, Kieran would arrive at the estate.

Alyssa felt as if a guillotine was being held over her head and bowed her head deeply.

The next day, Alyssa was sitting at her desk. There were documents in front of her, but nearly none of them were processed.

When she glanced towards the window, she was startled to see a pitch-black carriage outside.

Like the arrival of dawn even after twisting a chicken’s neck, Kieran was finally here.

With her lips tightly pressed, Alyssa carefully rose from her seat and approached the window.

The unfamiliar carriage clearly came from Albrecht, Kieran’s estate. Its color, resembling a funeral carriage, seemed to symbolize Kieran’s downfall.

As the door opened and a silver-haired man stepped out of the carriage, Alyssa heard a voice calling her from the doorway.

“Duchess, Lord Albrecht has arrived.”

As both the lord of the castle and the person who would soon be his wife, Alyssa was supposed to go out to greet Kieran in person, but she stood there as if nailed to the spot.

Despite her efforts to have the maidservants scrub and clean the castle, the Benoit Castle still looked shabby and unkempt.

Kieran’s mood, facing this castle, would surely spiral to the worst if he had to face Alyssa as well.

Even setting aside the fact that she was an unwanted marriage partner, Alyssa was not a person anyone would find appealing.

As Alyssa glanced down, she noticed her small, calloused hands. Even when clenched into fists, they were hands she’d rather not look at.

It wasn’t just her hands; everything about her was that way. There was nothing worthy of praise, everything was ugly and dreadful.

Alyssa hadn’t looked in a mirror for a very long time. Yet, she knew well enough that she was hideous.

Everyone seemed to avoid her as if they had seen something they shouldn’t have.

Even the servants she interacted with daily shunned her. She had never received a kind gaze from her own parents.

Ugly and dreadful. Her mother’s frequent words echoed in her ears.

Alyssa wished for Kieran to be as comfortable as possible and didn’t want to upset him with her own presence.

“See to the representative properly.”

Instead of opening the door to her room, she simply uttered that one sentence and stepped away from the window.