Chapter 85
What Seungmin showed was something like a bottle made of mesh netting with lots of holes. Calling it a ‘bottle’ may be a stretch since it’s not made of glass, but in any case, it was in the shape of a necklace, and both Seungmin and Yunho were wearing them around their necks. Come to think of it, Im Do-hyeon and Yoon Soojin seemed to have them too earlier.
I took the bottle-like object and waved it around in front of my face. Seungmin panicked and rushed toward me.
“Ah, Nuna! What if it breaks when you do that!”
“If it breaks, it breaks. So what.”
“Nuna, really…! Do you want me to die?”
Seungmin snatched the bottle away from me and rolled his eyes. I could have taken it back, but instead I just tilted my head.
“So you’re saying if you have this, the infected avoid you, right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“How did you confirm that?”
This was important.
How exactly did they confirm that the infected avoid them?
To know that, they must have experimented by having someone with the object and someone without. But that clearly violates ethics.
“How did you confirm that the infected only avoid you guys?”
“……”
Seungmin and Yunho exchanged furtive glances, sensing the atmosphere. Since they didn’t seem like they would answer easily, I added.
“Come to think of it, I didn’t see Park Ahjussi, the gunsmith on my way here.”
There used to be Park, the gunsmith at the Gwanak shelter. That old man sold guns he obtained from who knows where, and also repaired and modified broken weapons to sell. The revolver neatly tucked away in Yongcheol’s dresser was one I bought from Ahjussi.
But the fact that the old man wasn’t around is highly suspicious. Normally, he would have run over to me right away to introduce and sell me various items.
I narrowed my eyes as I looked at them.
“Did you kill him?”
“No! It’s not like that!”
Yunho hurriedly shouted. Glancing at Seungmin’s reaction, he soon responded in an unsettled tone.
“The gunsmith old man said he had to test out a modified gun he made, so he was going out. As he was going out, Im Do-hyeon-nim gave me this. Then the infected only rushed at the old man and his stuff. I had no choice…!”
“Really?”
I chuckled sarcastically.
“It couldn’t be helped, huh? I’m practically in tears because it couldn’t be helped.”
“Ah, Nuna!”
“You guys.”
I sighed heavily as I looked at them.
“Why did it have to turn out like this? It really breaks my heart.”
Then Seungmin’s face twisted in annoyance. He took a step closer to me and spoke.
“What do you mean, ‘like this’?”
“Lee Seungmin. Don’t you have a foul mouth?”
“Nuna.”
Seungmin didn’t flinch at my irritation and stared straight at me.
“Why do you believe in God?”
“What?”
“Aren’t you a Catholic? Didn’t you say your baptismal name is Salome?”
It was an unexpected question, but I had a hunch where it was going. I let out another long sigh.
“Yeah. So?”
“So I’m asking. Why do you believe in God, who has no real existence and only exists through faith?”
I couldn’t help but frown. It felt like he was reciting the very thoughts I’ve had while praying all this time. Why do I believe in God? Why do I keep searching for God in my heart, someone who seems to exist only through faith? Do the prayers make them go to a good place? No, can a good place even exist in the first place? Will God really lead me to a good place?
“Because you think you’ll be saved? Because if you believe, even your murderous acts can be forgiven? Is that why you believe?”
I let out another long sigh and waved my hand dismissively.
“Seungmin. You should stop now.”
“Nuna. I went to church too.”
Lee Seungmin continued, unfazed by my irritation.
“But I don’t believe anymore.”
“……”
“If God existed, he wouldn’t have created a shitty world like this. He would have helped us. He would have saved us.”
I pressed my forehead.
After the outbreak of the infected, many people started denying God’s existence. If 70% of the US population used to be religious, now about that many have become non-religious. As if questioning when religion ever caused war, they happily abandoned religion and preached about the absence of God, saying “God is dead.”
They had to. Because if God existed, at the very least, he should have protected me, my family, my friends.
But God did not equally protect everyone, and everyone ended up equally doomed, divided between the infected and uninfected.
Seungmin seemed to be one of those cases. I silently looked at him.
“The one who saved me wasn’t God or any messiah,”
“……”
“It was Yoon Soojin-nim.”
He clutched the necklace tightly as he spoke.
“Nuna, if you don’t want to admit it, you can leave. We don’t have enough space for people like you.”
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04. Hallelujah
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
[Hebrews 11:1]
🕂
“Ah, I’m annoyed I can’t refute that.”
I muttered while scratching the back of my head.
“If God existed, he wouldn’t have created a shitty world like this.”
I agree with his words.
There was a time when I thought the same way.
If God truly existed, he should not have put me through such suffering. Why did he betray my faith?
Most of the people who attended the same church as me became non-religious and fled the church. However, I still believe in God, thanks to someone who was no different from a divine gift to me—yet someone I ended up directly killing with my own hands—the priest.
The priest was resolutely faithful, and so despite vaguely realizing that there were infected among the refugees, he accepted them. He thought exiling people to death just for being infected went against God’s will.
One may think, what about the other people then? Surprisingly, everyone in the shelter shared the same thought. That the infected are still human, that they are human no matter what, and if we drive them out, how are we different from Joseph’s ten brothers? They accepted the people, and as a result, they all became infected and died.
But I can’t say ‘everyone’ because there were children in the basement. Immature as they were to have a choice, they were all safely protected in the basement.
Most people who learned of this situation called them foolish, but I don’t think so. Instead of choosing death, they chose to give birth to a belief. Their own belief—in other words, they upheld that ethical belief of having faith and hoping for salvation. That’s why I didn’t think they died.
I tightly wrapped the rosary bracelet of the Father I killed around my hand, and since then, I developed a habit of touching the rosary whenever I felt uneasy or my faith wavered. The content of my prayers is always the same. Save my belief, please.
Yes, my current belief is….
‘Taking down those pseudo bastards who deceive people.’
I recalled the bottle Seungmin showed me earlier. I also recalled the bizarre jelly-like substance of an odd color contained inside. I remember it had a pungent smell, and I wanted to find out what exactly it was – in other words, whether it was truly something like a repellent that could make the infected avoid them or not.
To do that, I would need to steal one from somewhere.
‘Should I meet Yoon Soojin?’
I clicked my tongue and kicked open the tightly closed main gate. This was the home of the late—whether he became infected or died, I don’t know—gunsmith Oldman Park.
Inside was completely empty, as if people had come and looted everything after news of the old man’s passing spread. The claims that the Seoul shelter is safe and there are no looters seem to be all lies.
Anyway, I stared intently at the stripped-bare house, then tapped on the carpet and checked the space below. Unlike other areas that made a ‘tang tang’ sound, this area made a hollow ‘teung‘ sound, so I used my machete to cut through the carpet. A doorknob flushed against the floor appeared.
I recalled something Park Ahjussi had said in the past.
“If something happens to me, don’t tell anyone,”
“Open that up. I’ve prepared something for my Min Ahyeon.”
Park Ahjussi. Thank you. For leaving daily provisions…no, firearms for me.
After saying a prayer for him, I reached for the latch. Just then,
Kwaang!
There was a sound, and the gate I had closed burst open. Then a huge-bodied man came striding in.
“Hello there!”
The man, whose entire body was covered in drawings of dragons, phoenixes and more, approached me with a smile that didn’t match his rugged appearance.
“I’ve come to find my puppy!”
“…Pardon?”
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Thank you for reading! ♡
