Chapter 43
The overwhelming sense of guilt made Shin Hae-jun lower his eyes sharply.
Indirect murder.
A legal murderer. It was not an unfamiliar term. There was no value in refuting it, no means to make excuses.
However, the word that sprang from Min Ahyeon’s lips felt as sharp as a knife piercing his chest.
Even when he thought of himself as an indirect murderer, she looked at him with such cold eyes. He couldn’t even imagine what expression she would have if she learned his true sins.
Shin Hae-jun was neither an indirect murderer nor a legal killer. He was already a criminal who had committed direct murder.
“Then let’s do this.”
Shin Hae-jun recalled the voice of a man buried deep in his past.
“Try choosing who will die between the two.”
Unlike the muffled voice, the sensation of holding the gun in his hand was vividly etched in his memory, as if it was branded on his body. The icy, smooth surface, the still heavyweight, the recoil as the bullet fired—it all hurt his fingertips as if the frigid metal was searing them.
That was the moment Shin Hae-jun first grasped a gun.
The ejected cartridge brushed against his cheek and fell.
In that moment when, everything felt numb enough not to feel the pain of the warm cheek, the voice that screamed in the gray-dyed world, the blood that overflowed enough to fill the floor.
Clenching his fists, Shin Hae-jun opened his eyes wide. Yes, he was a sinner. He admitted it. He was a damn murderer, a cowardly and despicable piece of trash who felt no guilt to the extent that he didn’t even want to feel guilty.
But so what?
Shin Hae-jun moved his lips, wanting to argue with Min Ahyeon. He wanted to say it was unavoidable back then.
I had to live. I did it because I wanted to live. I had no choice but to live. He wanted to spill out a stream of excuses.
Yes. That’s what he had to do.
That way, it seemed like he could shake off this suffocating sensation that gripped his breath. Rapidly growing weary of the past resurfacing, Shin Hae-jun pushed Min Ahyeon, who was clinging to him away, and let out a short sigh.
“That’s enough. I still have more to say.”
With his temples throbbing, he looked at her with a face as tired as a dried-up corpse.
“Lieutenant Min.”
It was a warning to stop.
If she had not been his former subordinate and he her former superior, he would have lost his temper and yelled at her.
It would have been fine if the whole world blamed him. From the moment he opened his eyes in the morning until the moment he passed out from work, he was constantly berating himself, unable to sleep deeply due to the anxiety that enveloped his entire body.
But not Min Ahyeon. No, not her. He couldn’t bear it. I may not be worthy, but you can’t…
Although he doesn’t know why it can’t be her, somehow Shin Hae-jun felt like crying a little when Ahyeon accused him of being a murderer—just speaking the truth, but still.
“Since we’ve brought it up, we should finish it to the end.”
However, Min Ahyeon, unaware of his feelings, did not step back. Shin Hae-jun briefly pondered how to shut her small lips. Should he pretend to lose control again and swallow her words? If she refuses even that…
Yes, in fact, Shin Hae-jun could have gotten angry at her.
He could have expressed his anger roughly, mentioning disobedience to orders—even though Min Ahyeon wasn’t a subordinate, she was still in a position to be instructed. He could have shown his anger and forced her to close her mouth.
But Shin Hae-jun didn’t do that. No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that. Apart from the firm desire to justify himself to her, he couldn’t find anything else to say.
“General.”
So when Shin Hae-jun met Min Ahyeon’s clear eyes, he felt his whole body writhing in pain, but he could only grit his lower lip tightly in response.
“We are human. We are not infected, who turned into mindless monsters.”
No, Min Ahyeon was human, but Shin Hae-jun was not.
He was an even lower being than the infected.
“So you, General, should have made the choice yourself.”
So Shin Hae-jun could not covet Ahyeon.
As that thought passed through his mind, Shin Hae-jun felt a sudden chill wash over him. Whether he spoke or not, Ahyeon remained firm in her words.
“If it was truly difficult to disobey the orders from above…”
“……”
“Then live bearing the consequences of your choice.”
Ahyeon’s face as she looked directly at Shin Hae-jun had not a trace of shame. Facing her shining eyes was always difficult, but never as painful as this moment.
Shin Hae-jun rubbed his cheek, thinking the absurd thought that Ahyeon’s gaze might leave a burn mark on his face.
“Bear the consequences, and live with them.”
“Yes.”
As always, Ahyeon nodded her head resolutely.
“Remember your own mistakes. And honor the lives lost due to your actions, and the spirits of those who turned into infected.”
Shin Hae-jun couldn’t understand Ahyeon. He never could.
How can one live while remembering their own mistakes? Is it even possible to survive in this world that way?
Whenever he thought of his sins, Shin Hae-jun wanted to press a gun to his temple. Hoping for a single, clean shot to take his own life.
But he had to live.
Surviving by leeching off the lives of others had been his existence until now. Even thinking about ending it himself was a selfish desire. Shin Hae-jun had to live, to survive…
But what for?
Suddenly, his thoughts came to a halt.
Standing before the unmoving Aheon, Shin Hae-jun froze like a broken machine.
What was the point of surviving?
He had never really had a clear goal, but now it felt like the flag had been snatched away. The abyss of flames lurking beneath Ahyeon’s words seemed to gape open, ready to swallow him.
“Does Lieutenant Min live while remembering all of your sins?”
Shin Hae-jun’s words, spoken impulsively, were met with a casual nod from Min Ahyeon.
“Yes.”
Her composed affirmation made Shin Hae-jun chuckle bitterly.
Yeah. So, Min Ahyeon could maintain such a dignified attitude in all matters.
She had done nothing wrong. She hadn’t survived by resorting to the dirty, despicable deeds like garbage Shin Hae-jun had. There was nothing for the noble Min Ahyeon to regret or justify.
The noble Ahyeon would have nothing to regret or make excuses for.
The pure Ahyeon. The righteous Ahyeon.
The Ahyeon who, in this damned apocalypse, had not lost her light, still thinking of others.
That’s why she was someone Shin Hae-jun could never reach.
For the first time in his life, Shin Hae-jun felt disillusioned with the way he had lived. He had barely survived only to become the kind of person who couldn’t even touch a single hair on Min Ahyeon’s head.
“That’s how one atones. I am not boasting that I have done no wrong, so do not misunderstand.”
Min Ahyeon’s added words caused Shin Hae-jun to burst into a burst of sharp laughter. Ahyeon frowned at his ferocious expression, unsure if he was laughing or grimacing.
“Why are you laughing?”
“It’s amusing.”
He was amused, not by Min Ahyeon, but by himself.
Perhaps Shin Hae-jun thought he might have been making excuses for his friend’s death just because he wanted to live. Hadn’t even the thought that he had to survive after sacrificing his friend’s life be an excuse?
The cowardly Shin Hae-jun had simply wanted to live.
And in this world where even that basic desire had become a luxury, what had been given to him was not the right to take others’ lives.
Shin Hae-jun had been given nothing. No right to survive, no qualification to live.
And Ahyeon…
That realization painfully pierced his heart.
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Thank you for reading! ♡
Mehn😔