Chapter 58
“I’m sorry for showing you such an embarrassing side of me. I didn’t mean to.”
It felt like I kept showing Richard only my vulnerable side. In fact, it probably did look pitiful to him. I hadn’t intended to cry, but I was so overwhelmed that I raised my hand to cover my face. I didn’t want to show him this, yet the tears kept flowing despite my efforts to stop them.
Looking back, since I came to the capital and had the trial, I seemed to keep showing Richard my broken, emotional side—whether it was crying or struggling with my painful past. Even though this nightmare triggered it, it wasn’t the first time I had opened up to him in tears, overwhelmed with emotions.
Since the trial was related to my painful past, I couldn’t help but feel this way. But even so, I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed for always showing him this side of me. After all, it had been less than two months since we got married, and I had already cried several times in front of him.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry this time, but once the tears started flowing, they didn’t seem to stop.
In the end, I could only lower my head and wipe my tears. If there were separate spaces, I could have gone to another room to cry and then returned, but since Richard and I shared the same bedroom, that wasn’t an option.
As I quietly wiped my tears, I heard a rustling sound from Richard’s direction. Soon, he placed something in my hand. The soft texture of cloth made me open my eyes to see a handkerchief.
I stared at the handkerchief in my hand, then tightly grasped it with both hands. It felt like I was always relying on Richard—crying, talking about my painful past, and burdening him. Anyone else might have been disgusted by it, but Richard, without complaint, always listened to me.
I was truly grateful to him, but at the same time, I worried about how I could repay him for all that he had done for me.
With the Rosier flowers and this trial… Initially, I had planned to give him the title and the estate of Duke Tristan, but after talking to him yesterday, it seemed that even after the trial, Richard didn’t want to take the title and estate from me immediately. The fact that he had asked me to manage them meant that he didn’t intend to interfere until a divorce happened.
That meant there was almost nothing I could do for Richard in return.
“I’m sorry for always just receiving from you. Since we got married, it feels like I’ve only taken from you. Even with this trial…”
I cautiously conveyed the thoughts I had been keeping inside. Richard reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder.
I flinched slightly at the large hand on my shoulder, but I knew that there was no malice in his touch, so I didn’t pull away.
Thinking he was trying to comfort me, I was right. Richard spoke with his hand still gently on my shoulder.
“I’ve been through all of this too. I know how hard and painful it can be.”
He empathized with my pain. It was only then that I could look at his face again.
Yes, thinking about it, the situation I was going through now was something he had already experienced when he was young. He, too, had gone through a long and exhausting trial like this before.
At least I knew that Richard, after his parents had passed away, fought against relatives who tried to take his estate. He had gone through multiple trials, facing off with relatives who came after him.
I could imagine that young Richard had it even harder than I did now. It was obvious, even without thinking too deeply. Back then, there was no one to help him. No one to rely on.
If there had been someone, he wouldn’t have needed to go through all those trials. Moreover, his age would have made things even worse. A child holding a title and estate—something that would be hard to understand from an adult’s perspective.
Typically, a legal guardian would be needed until the child became an adult. But the people around Richard were all eyeing his estate, and they would have taken everything from him if he had given them a chance.
Richard must have fought desperately to protect his property. And some of those people must have even bullied and abused him.
I understood, but I couldn’t even begin to imagine what his childhood must have been like. The fact that a young boy, barely in his early teens, had to endure all of this.
Even now, I found it hard to bear, so how did he manage to survive it all when he was so young?
I suddenly felt an immense sympathy for him.
Richard and I weren’t all that different, but at least I had him by my side for this trial. But when he was young, there was no one there to help him.
It seemed like his loneliness and pain were reflected in his eyes, and I found it difficult to meet his gaze. But, summoning all my courage, I moved and carefully pulled him into a hug.
It was a sudden move, but Richard only flinched slightly and didn’t pull away or push me away.
“You must have had it hard too, Richard.”
If I’m struggling this much now, how difficult and lonely it must have been for you when you were young.
“…….”
I gently patted his back, silently. This was not only a comfort for the younger version of him but also a comfort for myself in the present.
“How did you endure it all back then, when I’m struggling so much now?”
Just as Richard was there for me now, how wonderful it would have been if someone had been there for young Richard. Although it was all in the past, I still wished he hadn’t been lonely back then. At least, I wished there had been someone by his side when he was at his lowest, someone to support him when he felt like he couldn’t go on.
Sadly, no matter how much I wanted to go back in time, I knew I couldn’t be that person for him. The thought filled me with regret.
After a while, Richard, who had been quietly in my arms, moved his hand. I thought he was trying to push me away, so I observed his actions. Soon, he raised his hand and gently patted my back, just as I had done.
“It’s all in the past for me.”
He spoke in a calm voice, as if the loneliness and pain of his childhood were forgotten. But I knew that it wasn’t so easy to forget such things. His words must have been meant to comfort me.
Even if he tried to hide it, he was a kind person.
I slowly pulled away from him. Richard let me go from his embrace without resistance. After holding him, my tears had stopped completely. Comforting him had also comforted me.
“Thank you for being by my side.”
“That’s the duty of a husband.”
Richard said it so naturally, and I couldn’t help but smile softly.
“Why do you say that?”
“Just… it reminded me of our first meeting.”
Back then, Richard had been quite harsh and distant. He had drawn clear lines between us without hesitation. But the Richard I knew now was very different from that person.
I couldn’t help but wonder what had changed him so much.
At the same time, the realization hit me that Richard was a character in this world, and that thought made me uneasy.
I had to admit it to myself.
I liked Richard.
But it wasn’t love—at least, not in the romantic sense. No, it had to be just fondness.
Because, after all, he would never love me.
The person Richard would fall in love with was Aileen, the female protagonist, not me.
Suddenly, I felt a pang of envy toward Aileen.
She had everything I envied—beautiful looks, a warm personality, and the love of those around her.
Of course, Richard’s love for Aileen wasn’t as simple as just adoration. After all, when he couldn’t have her, he would fall into darkness and destroy Aileen’s life.
But would people laugh if I said I was envious of Aileen?
“I’m feeling better now. Thanks for comforting me. It’s getting late, so I’ll try to sleep again.”
“It must be hard to sleep with those nightmares.”
Richard said with concern. Indeed, I feared encountering the illusion of Duke Tristan again if I fell asleep.
Though it was just a dream, the emotions I felt during it were real.
As I hesitated, Richard let out a small laugh. Surprised, I looked up at him, and he smiled gently.
“Just sleep. If you’re tormented by a nightmare, I’ll wake you.”
“You don’t need to go that far.”
I responded awkwardly, and Richard shrugged.
“I’m a light sleeper, so I’ll wake up quickly. Don’t worry, just sleep.”
Richard then got up and moved back to his bed, sitting down on it. When I turned my head to keep watching him, he gestured toward my pillow, signaling that it was okay for me to rest.
I hesitated for a moment before awkwardly lying back down on the bed. I closed my eyes to try to sleep again, but the fatigue didn’t hit me like before. I was more concerned about him, lying in the bed next to me, watching me.
As the night wore on, I couldn’t fall asleep. I feared the dream of Duke Tristan, but more than that, I couldn’t sleep with Richard so aware beside me.
Eventually, I managed to fall asleep, but it was much later, long after the time I had intended.
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