Chapter 39
I came out of the court with Richard’s support and escort. Outside, Olivier and the other servants were waiting for us with worried expressions.
“Milady, are you feeling better? You look very pale,” Olivier asked as she approached. I smiled at her in response.
“I’m fine. I’m just a bit tired.”
“Milady…”
Though I meant to convey that I was okay, Olivier looked even more distressed and lowered her head. I could guess what she was thinking without her saying a word. Given that I had been stripped of my inheritance and title by my stepfather and was also facing a limited time, it was obvious what concerns were weighing on Olivier’s mind.
“I’m really fine.”
“Yes, I will believe you. But you must tell me if you need anything.”
“Alright. Let’s head back for now. I want to rest because I’m tired.”
“Yes, milady.”
We passed through the entrance of the court and reached the main gate. In front of the gate stood the carriage from the Count Theodore’s house that we had arrived in.
As Richard and I climbed into the carriage, it began to move slowly, just like when it had arrived. Inside the leisurely moving carriage, Richard and I maintained a silence. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I felt deeply embarrassed about everything that had been revealed during the trial today.
Even though I had expected it, it felt like I had shown Richard my true self, laid bare for him to see. Of course, he must have had some idea about it. But there was a vast difference between merely guessing and witnessing it firsthand.
With my head down, I fidgeted with my fingers until I couldn’t endure the heavy silence anymore and lifted my head.
“Richard?”
In my slightly flustered state, I called out to him. I had expected him to have his eyes closed as usual, but he was looking at me with his eyes open. He remained silent for a while after I called him before finally speaking.
“It must have been very hard for you.”
“……What?”
Richard’s words were unexpected. I looked at him wide-eyed, unable to grasp the meaning of what he had just said.
“Did the Duke of Tristan ever use violence against you?”
His tone was indifferent, but I could clearly feel the concern and hesitation behind it. He usually displayed an overly indifferent demeanor, but then suddenly showed a different side like this. Each time it happened, I found Richard to be unfamiliar and awkward.
It didn’t mean he didn’t care. On the contrary, it was a positive indication.
“……It happened sometimes.”
I nodded slowly as I recalled the abuse the Duke of Tristan inflicted on me over the years. Richard furrowed his brows again at my words and just stared at me intently. I still couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“That was how my father controlled me.”
It wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with others, but I felt like I could share it with Richard. He wasn’t the kind of person who would spread this kind of story. More than anything, I trusted him. I felt it would be okay to tell him at least this much… Besides, after the ugliness he’d witnessed in court, there was nothing left to hide from him.
“To my father, I was always an obstacle and an enemy.”
Slowly, I began to speak, revisiting my past.
“When my mother passed away, the title and most of the estate were passed down to me. Imagine how much he must have hated that?”
“Diarna.”
As I recalled what happened when I was ten, Richard suddenly called my name. When I looked at him, he shook his head firmly, his gaze steady on me.
“You don’t have to try to understand the person who abused you. The Duke of Tristan’s abuse cannot be rationalized. There’s no justification for the abuse you suffered.”
“….”
Hearing his words, tears filled my eyes—not from resentment or sorrow.
He was right. As the victim, I didn’t need to consider the circumstances of the person who hurt me. Abuse could never be justified, no matter the reason. Richard had expressed a truth I hadn’t fully realized.
Biting my upper lip, I lowered my head. Tears that had gathered in my eyes fell, one by one, onto my skirt. Then, a handkerchief was offered to me. Looking up, I saw it was Richard.
“Thank you.”
I took the handkerchief he offered and wiped my tears. Even as I tried to stop them, they kept falling, making it impossible to continue speaking.
“If you want to cry, it’s okay. You don’t have to continue your story if it’s painful. Don’t bring it up if it hurts,” he said gently, as if sensing my feelings.
But I didn’t want to keep those stories locked in my heart.
“No, please… listen.”
“All right then. Tell me whenever you’re ready.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as Richard turned his head to look out the window, giving me the space to cry freely. Even though I knew it wasn’t a funny situation, I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. After crying and laughing for a while, barely knowing which was which, I finally felt my emotions calm down.
“In any case, as soon as my mother passed away, my father took over my guardianship and claimed the title and all the assets. But to him, I was always a threat who might take it all back one day. So, he began to use violence to ensure I couldn’t defy him.”
It started with him yelling. He’d blame me for trivial things, getting angry, and it eventually escalated to slapping me after Cecilia got hurt. That was the beginning of the abuse.
“Cecilia was hurt because of her own carelessness. She reached out to take a cookie, and as her sleeve brushed against the teacup, it tipped over, spilling hot tea and burning her knee. The moment my father saw her injury, he slapped me. That’s when it began. From then on, he started using violence against me in earnest.”
After that, it became easy for him to raise his hand against me. He would never have done that if my mother were still alive. Although time has passed and I can talk about it more easily now, I can’t put into words the shock I felt back then.
“He certainly achieved his goal. Even after I became an adult and after I married you, Richard, I remained under the shadow of my father’s abuse for a long time.”
Maybe that’s why I thought death was inevitable, because I’d grown accustomed to the abuse. I thought it was because I knew the original story, but looking back now, I realize it was because I’d become so resigned to the abuse that I’d come to accept death more readily.
But after meeting Richard, something within me began to change. Even though I thought death was inevitable, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to live.
When I first arrived at the Count Theodore’s estate and met Richard, I had thought I would use him to survive. I entertained the “impossible” dream that I would catch his eye, get the Rosier flower, and survive. I didn’t have high hopes since I myself thought it was impossible. Yet, Richard was trying to make it happen—even though I thought it might not be possible.
“Richard, do you know? The first time someone uses violence is hard, but it gets easier each time after that.”
“……”
“The more they resort to violence, the easier it becomes for the abuser to lift their hand again, while the victim becomes increasingly trapped, censoring themselves. I gradually trapped myself under his violence.”
As I looked down at the tear-stained handkerchief, I turned my head to look out the carriage window. The passing scenery looked almost excessively peaceful.
“Diarna, you are a truly pitiful person,” Richard said suddenly. Hearing my story about the abuse I endured seemed to have stirred up sympathy in him. Even though it was inevitable, I couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed.
“But you’re also a strong person.”
Just as I was about to hide my disappointment, he spoke.
He thought I was strong? It was hard to understand.
“You may say you trapped yourself under that abuse, but in the end, you broke free of it and stood up against the Duke of Tristan.”
“If it hadn’t been for you, Richard…”
“No, even if I encouraged you, you wouldn’t have come this far if you didn’t have the will to do it yourself.”
“……”
“I won’t tell you to forget your painful past. It’s impossible to live as if those things never happened. But I hope you don’t let the past control you any longer. The ghost of your past that held you captive has now become nothing more than a wretched person who knows only how to harm.”
I carefully considered Richard’s words.
The ghost of my past that held me captive… my stepfather, the current Duke of Tristan.
Since I decided to stand up to him with Richard, I no longer felt as afraid of him as I used to. I even worried less about whether he might use violence against me.
And earlier, I had even snapped back at the Duke of Tristan. It was a small change—a very small change that happened when I began to free myself from his dark shadow. But that small change had made the man who had loomed so large in my mind feel incredibly insignificant.
The image of the Duke of Tristan before we left the courtroom kept coming back to me. In the end, he couldn’t strike me; he simply clenched his fist and trembled with anger. For some reason, it felt incredibly satisfying, and I laughed.
“Thank you so much, Richard, for listening to my story and for saying those things to me.”
Richard simply shrugged in response to my gratitude.
