The Tyrant Wants To Live Honestly

I hated the ‘me’ who knew I couldn’t be with Theon after causing his demise once, but still got shaken up just by his gaze.

Ironically, I only wanted him to see me as a perfect, beautiful, and wonderful person.

I wanted to show him the image of a princess who was recognized by the Emperor, and can play her role perfectly at the party.

But at the same time, I didn’t like that.

I didn’t like the fact that I still wanted to look good in front of him.

I didn’t like that my evil heart was deeply jealous that Julie could freely stand by his side.

I know that Theon will never love me.

He still only had eyes for Julie, and I was still Dorothea.

For Theon, I built a splendid palace that would have gone down in history. I built the most fragrant garden, I gifted him rare and beautiful birds he had never seen before, and I showered him with clothes and jewelries that would have made anyone die with envy, but I never got his heart in return.

The heart that could not be moved no matter how hard I tried.

But why do I keep expecting him to look my way?

I already knew he would never love me, but my foolish heart kept pretending not to know and hoping for it.

I needed to let Theon go.

However, the stains left by the juice he gave me seemed not to be erased no matter how much I washed them. Just like my greed.

Tok-Tok

Someone suddenly knocked on the door.

“Dorothea, are you okay?”

And the voice I didn’t really want to hear echoed in the room.

I bit my lower lip hard.

“I came here because I was worried. You see, His Majesty…”

“Leave me alone, Ray!”

I covered my ears and shouted at the door.

I don’t know why he, today’s main character, left the banquet hall and came up to my room.

But Ray didn’t give up.

“Parties are no fun. So, shall we play together, Dorothea?”

And his words eventually made the emotions I was barely holding back blow up.

I walked over to the door and ripped it open.

“This is not something you can get out of just because it’s not fun! If you are a crown prince, then act like a crown prince! Don’t just think about playing. Do what you have to do and do it right!”

My anxious voice rang through the hallway.

At my words, Ray made a bewildered face and trembled as if he was about to cry.

“I…I’m simply worried about Dorothea…”

“There no need to worry about me!”

So please stop paying attention to me and go away.

“Princess…”

At that moment, a familiar voice came from the side.

No way…

And when I turned my head, I saw Theon and Julie standing side by side in the hallway.

In an instant, my heart fell into a dark abyss.

Why were they here…

“Theon and Julie also wanted to play together, ”Ray said in a weeping voice.

I started to yell at Ray as soon as I opened the door, so I didn’t see that they were standing right there. I looked back at the two of them with a surprised expression and hurriedly stepped back inside the room.

No, I didn’t want to show you this side of me! I lamented.

But I made no excuses in front of them.  Instead, I slammed the door, and locked it as if running away. I lost strength in my legs and my head started to feel dizzy, so I sat down in front of the door.

What will Theon think of me now?

A rude and bad-tempered brat who was despised by her father, and dared to yell at the crown prince.

I buried my face in my hands and crouched down. How dare I hope to be loved while being like this?

Why would anyone love me when I hate myself so intensely?

I hated myself for making this stupid mistake just now. But the more I did, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more I hated myself. 

Trapped in this painful circle, I curled up in front of the door, hoping that I could make myself small enough to hide from this world.

* * * 

I couldn’t get out of bed for several days after that night. I didn’t catch a cold, but I had a fever and felt sick.

“She is such a healthy child…”

“Something must have really shocked the princess that day.”

I could hear the doctor who came to examine me and the nanny talk about my condition.

“If you rest well, you will feel better in a few days,” the doctor added.

He then prescribed me a fever reducer and left.

After falling sick like that, I felt so pathetic and weak that I started to hate myself all over again.

“Princess, if you are bored, would you like me to bring you a book?” The nanny offered, trying to make me feel better.

I felt sorry that she had to take care of a child like me.

“Nanny, how about we move to another palace?”

“Yes?”

“It’s too hard for you to work here. The other servants only come for a little while, and leave all the chores to you.”

“What do you mean hard? There is no other place as comfortable as here. How lucky am I to serve someone as smart as the princess.”

The nanny laughed, and said that she had nothing to do because I never made a mess or complained.

“So, please make a mess or act spoiled once in a while Princess. You are too mature and always want to do everything by yourself.

Then, she gently stroked my hair.

As I was eight years old, I thought I was pretty big now, but the nanny’s hands still felt so huge.

“If I make a mess and complain, the nanny will be annoyed with me.”

“I am here to clean your mess,” she reminded me.

“It will be annoying.”

Even if she said she wouldn’t mind, I knew very well that she would get angry if I started to act grumpy, messy, and spoiled.

Well, I guess in my nanny’s eyes, I was probably a good girl who doesn’t make trouble and listens well.

It was definitely not easy for her to do all the chores alone in this lonely Konberta Palace, so I didn’t want to add to her misery.

“I’m going to live a good life.”

I didn’t want to pretend to be a bad child.

* * *

Two months later, I turned nine.

But nothing changed, and few people visited Konberta Palace.

Even Ray didn’t come to see me ever since that day. He seemed pretty busy after officialy becoming the Crown Prince, and entering Episteme Academy.

I was so angry that day.

Ray’s crying face flashed in my mind.

He probably hates me now, and won’t come to me anymore. That’s good.

Now I can live my life peacefully without any disturbance.

“Dorothea…”

But I guess I spoke too fast because Ray, who I thought I would never see again, was standing in front of the door and looking at me.

“I brought you a present,” he announced.

Ray? He came to look for me?

Even after getting so angry at you that day, you still think of coming to see me?

Are you really that stupid?

As I stared at him in an awkward way, he sneaked into the room, as if he had accepted my silence as a sign of affirmation. In his hands was a basket of tomatoes that he had brought as a gift.

Why tomatoes?

“It’s the first tomato I’ve grown myself!” Ray proudly said, holding up the basket as he smiled brightly.

First tomato? So, does that mean that the Crown Prince was wasting time growing tomatoes?

Ray should have been quite busy with school. And since he just became the Crown Prince, he should have had a lot of new things to learn and do.

But he was wasting his time plowing the fields like this!

“Growing tomatoes is fun. I also planted some pumpkins and eggplants!” 

Ray then confessed that he had built a vegetable garden behind the Crown Prince’s palace, without Carnan’s knowledge.

In my previous life, I learned that Ray loved gardening.

However, at the time, he and I were not on friendly terms–although it is difficult to say that we are right now–but Ray tried to hide that fact from me as much as possible in our first life.

He probably thought that I would destroy his garden if I knew about it.

It was indeed the right choice.

If he had told me about the garden, I would have ruined it.

But since I have accepted him to some extent in this life, he easily told me his secrets this time around. 

How stupid.

“You didn’t study, but grew this?” I asked as I looked at the tomatoes.

How funny! While the Crown Prince was attending Episteme, the most respected academy of the Empire, he didn’t focus on his studies, but immersed himself in his favorite game instead.

[If you are a prince, act like a prince! Don’t just think about playing. Do what you have to do and do it right!]

Why did I get so angry and say that to him?

Suddenly, a feeling of betrayal washed over me.

Unlike me, who lived desperately, Ray was always happy.

That way, he could have become an emperor.

I didn’t have time to care about gardens or the likes of it, I only lived to defeat you. But no matter what I did, you were still the legitimate heir.

“I studied in my spare time.”

When my scolding flew sharply, Ray made an excuse with a discouraged expression.

Spare time?

And upon hearing those words, I couldn’t help but laugh.

He should have grown tomatoes in his spare time instead, and studied when he should have. Hell, he should have kept studying even while growing tomatoes.

This guy was too naive.

He was already eleven years old, he knew the weight his title carried, but why was he still so innocent and immature?

Was it because everything came easy to him? 

Because everything was always given for free?

How hard did I try to earn things that were simply given to you!

I forcefully swallowed my resentment and tried to be rational.

“You can’t become a good emperor that way, Ray.”

Be nice Dorothea. Yes, be nice.

I tried to reason with myself, but I still felt like Ray did not deserve to be the Emperor.

Why is it you? Why is the Spirit of Light only visible to you?

Greed raised in my heart again, but when I remembered the sins I committed, I forcefully pushed it down.

No matter how childish Ray was, it’s true that I wasn’t a good monarch myself.

“Ah… Well…”

Ray’s expression hardened at my words and he bowed his head.

Ah, well,what? Was silly statement all he had to say about the subject?

Contrary to the emotions raging inside of me, his answer was too light, and it angered me more.

Ray glanced at me and slowly put the basket down.

“Still, Dorothea, try the tomatoes. It’s very delicious.”

And whether he understood what I said or not, he continued talking about his tomatoes. 

I turned away from the basket he had put down. It’s obvious that if the great Crown Prince postponed his studies and ate the tomatoes he grew as a hobby, he would pretend to be.

When he saw me ignoring him, Ray said, “Of course, I’ll do well in Episteme and become a great older brother you can be proud of.”

This guy was unbelievable!

I don’t need a nice older brother because I never wanted one in the first place. So, make sure you cover your face properly.

The words reached my lips, but I swallowed them once again.

“But Dorothy, don’t you want to go outside?”

Noticing that my expression was getting dark, Ray quickly changed the subject.

“Why do you ask?”

“ Because Dorothy has never been outside the Imperial Palace.”

I understood exactly what Ray meant.

By the time I was nine years old, I had never left the Imperial Palace as if I was a prisoner of this castle.

I had no friends to go out with, and I didn’t have anything important to do. I wasn’t admitted to Episteme, so I had no reason to go out in the first place. Everything I needed was within the Imperial Palace, and if It wasn’t, I could just ask someone to get it for me.

A tailor usually came to the palace to match clothes, and the imperial chef provided what I wanted to eat. If I wanted to take a walk, I could do so in the large Imperial Palace garden.

Moreover, as I had already become the emperor and traveled all over my territories, I was not curious about the outside world at all.

“How about we go out? It’s frustrating to always stay in the Imperial Palace.”

Ray seems to have had fun going out while attending Episteme recently.

He explained that there were a lot of things to have fun with outside of the palace.

He described the people he met, how humble they were, and how much unfamiliar objects there were on the streets.

He made a great introduction outside the imperial palace, where he had been to a new continent that had not been discovered anywhere.

He really thought I was a fool.

Everything he was talking about I already knew..

Things that are normal for the common folks, but rare to see in this old-fashioned imperial palace.

“If Dorothy goes out, I’m sure it will be fun. Because you are smart, you will feel a lot of things,”he continued, smiling brightly.

“So , would you like to go out with me someday?”

“No.”

When I refused him with a single word, Ray’s face became sullen.

* * *