“Dorothea is so pretty. I love that you are my baby sister.”
Ray’s eyes twinkled and shone despite my previous harsh reaction.
What does he think being pretty looks like?
I didn’t know what to do with that guy anymore. No matter how mean I was to him, my brother persistently showered me with affection.
“I’m not pretty.”
“Not pretty? Who says our Dorothea is not pretty?” he asked, hands on his waist, raising his eyebrows fiercely.
“I do”
“No, Dorothea! Believe your brother, you are so pretty!” Ray insisted.
He proceeded to grab my shoulders and dragged me to a mirror.
He made me stand in front of it and continued, “Look! See how pretty you are! There is no other baby as pretty as Dorothea in the whole world!”
He firmly declared this as he looked at my reflection.
Following his gaze, I also took a look.
And just as Ray said, there was indeed a pretty girl standing in the mirror.
Her blonde hair and blue eyes were proof that she and the boy next to her were related. Her perfectly defined facial features, covered by smooth white skin, were already performing their role despite her young age.
Indeed, her looks were pretty impressive.
Actually, even before I traveled back to the past, I used to receive numerous compliments about my appearance.
My servants would praise my beauty almost every day.
‘You are truly beautiful today.’
‘You are the most beautiful and greatest person in the world.’
And In return, I gladly rewarded those who whispered flattering and sweet words to me with wealth and power.
Yet, they were the first ones to betray me and drive me to my death.They, too, pointed fingers at me and labeled me as a tyrant.
That’s why it no longer pleased me to be called beautiful by others; they never really mean it.
I stared at my expressionless face adorned with lips that have long forgotten how to smile and a pair of indifferent eyes that were gazing back at me.
There was not even a hint of loveliness on this face.
Far from being cute, it looked like the face of a porcelain doll–gorgeous, cold, lifeless.
Yes, this is me.
“Look, Dorothea.”
Ray, on the other hand, was still looking at my reflection with a stupid smile on his face.
“It’s not pretty.” I resolutely repeated.
Then, I turned my back to the mirror.
* * *
“The first Emperor Milanaire had a spirit stone of light, but it was lost during Theresia,” the nanny read from the children’s book in her hands.
The book was well written, but the only problem was that the facts in it were far from the truth.
“Nanny, the Spirit stone disappeared during Croesus’ time,” I corrected.
There is nearly a hundred years that separates Theresia and Corresus’ time-line, but people still confuse them.
The nanny closed her eyes for a moment, then took another book out.
And after quickly flipping through the imperial family’s records she found, she stared at me with her mouth wide open.
“Oh My God! Princess, did you already memorize the Imperial Family’s genealogy??”
She was so amazed by the fact, it gave me a bad feeling. I should probably have kept my mouth shut and listened to the false story.
In my defense, the family tree of the Milanaires was something I studied early on, before the time jump. I knew it from top to bottom, so I guess I reflexively corrected the nanny when she started reading the book.
“His Majesty, the Emperor, should know about this… !”
After mentioning the emperor, the nanny gave me a sympathetic look. It seemed as though she believed that mentioning the father, who neglected me, might have caused me emotional pain.
Moreover, a now six years old princess, two years younger than the beloved prince, had deep knowledge about the imperial family’s history that Ray can’t even memorize yet.
The nanny looked proud of my intelligence, so she must want to show me off.
But I sullenly shook my head.
That person, the Emperor Carnan Milanaire or in other words–my father–didn’t need to know.
Ah, father.
I found it very difficult to associate this man with the word father. To be honest, the word felt like a foreign language.
Well, I knew its literal meaning, but the concept of having a father was foreign to me since I never really had one..
I am connected by blood with Carnan Milanaire, but it meant nothing to me anymore since it never meant anything to him. Even Though I possessed the blonde hair and blue eyes unique to the imperial family, apparently I didn’t inherit the most important characteristic of the Milanaires. This fact made me absolutely useless in the eyes of my progenitor.
I didn’t even see his face yet.
It’s been six years since I’ve returned to the past and I have yet to see my parent’s faces.
Although, I could understand that my mother didn’t show up since she died shortly after giving birth to me. But in Carnan’s case, the man was just indifferent towards me.
I remember how hard I tried to get that emotionless guy’s attention in my first life.
I tried everything. I got hurt in front of him on purpose, I showed off my intellectual capabilities, I worked hard to be better than Ray, I even played the typical angry adolescent card.
But no matter what I did, Carnan never looked my way.
My hate for Ray likely stemmed from Carnan’s lack of paternal love for me.
Because unlike me, my brother received all of Carnan’s attention and love. Carnan’s time, which was never wasted on me, was always available for Ray. My brother was also the only one who received gifts from him, without doing anything particular to deserve them.They always ate together, and he was allowed to ask any questions he wanted to his father.
I studied until exhaustion, I was good at swordsmanship, and I could recite the complicated sentences written in the Milanaire imperial family books–or any other books–without making the slightest mistake. Yet, I never got any gifts; I never received anything from Carman at all.
Not even once.
So, yes. I hated Ray.
All the Emperor cared about was his favorite son, Raymond, who fooled around every day.
So, tormenting my brother, as much as he could, and taking whatever he possessed was the only way to get that Emperor to pay attention to me. And the more I did, the more Carnon hated me. In the end, my relationship with him entered a vicious cycle.
‘Don’t let Dorothea leave the room for a month,’ was what he said when he finally spoke my name.
The funny thing is, even when he was scolding and punishing me, Carnan still didn’t look me in the eyes. He merely yelled at the servants and my nanny, ordering them to keep me out of his sight.
I longed for love, but I must have been too flawed to receive it. Even from my own father.
Just like the moon, love had always been out of my reach .
I am certain Carnan wanted me to just wither to death in some corner, like a tree without roots. But unfortunately for him, I was born with a tough temperament, just like a weed.
Feeding on anger and resentment, the seed grew and bore evil fruits.
The fruit gave birth to the tyrant Dorothea Milanaire, who was jealous, trampled on, robbed, and greedily devoured others.
‘Come now, you can’t blame him for every bad decision you made,’ I scold myself.
Well, I didn’t mean to blame them for everything I have done. I knew it’d be pointless to put my sins on others because I’m the one who physically committed them; I am also responsible. And anyway, it’s my fault for being unlovable. It’s all my fault for being so crooked that no one could bear to love me.
‘But it’s okay now; I already accepted it.’
Moreover, thanks to my second chance at life, I have the luxury of fixing my mistakes.
Carnan’s absolute uninterest in me no longer affects me because I already know that no matter what I do, there’s nothing better to look forward to. Rather, I think that it would be good to live without seeing even the shadow of his shadow for the rest of this life.
I’m tired of trying and longing to be loved. I am exhausted.
I just want to be left alone, like an old object left in a dark room, slowly decaying over time.
But unlike me, the nanny sighed deeply,disappointed by Carnan’s indifference towards me.
“His Majesty will surely be delighted to see the Princess,” she said.
No, nanny. That person is not like you think.
If I had known the trick she intended to pull the next day, I would have expressed my contempt for Carnan more aggressively to the nanny.
* * *
“Princess, shall we go for a walk over there today?”
Perhaps the nanny wanted to explore a new environment, as she suggested taking a walk in a place she didn’t usually go to.
The imperial palace was vast, with many gardens to explore.
Among all those gardens was the Alice Garden. That was the place the nanny suggested we venture in.
Alice was my mother’s name, and the idyllic garden named after her was a gift from the Emperor to his late wife ( Alice ), who missed her hometown dearly.
The atmosphere there was pretty good, so I liked it quite a lot.
Before I was executed, I used to spend time there occasionally.
I wondered for a while whether this modest and quiet place could still soothe my troubled heart like it used to.
“Alright.”
I ended up accepting the nanny’s suggestion, a very stupid decision I must say.
She gladly took me to my mother’s garden, adorned with picturesque landscapes where evening smoke seemed to rise, an ethereal pond with water lilies, briers, wisterias, and a gentle breeze that stirred the cattails.
A small stream flowed beneath a wooden arch bridge, accompanied by a charming water wheel.
The garden exuded a natural and unpretentious charm, but sophisticated nonetheless…
The nanny took me to the bridge across the pond, exclaiming, “Princess! Look over there. There are fishes swimming.”
Her face filled with childlike excitement as she eagerly gestured towards the pond.
Graceful fishes were indeed swimming in the depths of the pond, their movements fluid and mesmerizing. Occasionally, they would emerge to the surface, seemingly whispering intriguing secrets..
The nanny presented a small handful of small brown pellets, inviting me to feed the enchanting fishes.
I thought it’d be a great idea, so I sprinkled the fish food I just received over the pond.
Then, the woman next to me suddenly screamed, “Your Majesty!”
The noise startled me and I lost my grip on the food, causing it to scatter into the water.
Because of this, the fishes darted and splashed, creating a commotion in the once tranquil pond..
Your Majesty?
Abandoning the fishes, I turned around to witness Carnan and his entourage approaching, seemingly enjoying a leisurely walk.
Only then did I finally realize that the nanny had orchestrated this entire situation.
Her unexplained desire to visit a garden she had never set foot in should have raised red flags in my mind.!
She had been singing ‘his Majesty this’ and ‘his Majesty that’ for a few days now. I should have known there was something fishy going on with her.
I was too careless.
I felt like the nanny deceived and used me, but I couldn’t just leave when Carnan’s gaze was already on me. So, in an attempt to shield myself, I hid behind her.
Carnan’s eyes were focused on the nanny and me.
“I greet your Majesty,The Emperor.”
The nanny knelt before him, inadvertently exposing my presence behind her. Carnan’s brows furrowed as he noticed my failure to formally bow and acknowledge him, but I remained silent.
If he thinks I’m rude, what about him who left his child unattended for six long years.
Let’s see him smile and greet his despicable self, if he was in my shoes…
“Who dares to come to Alice garden?” Carnan asked, visibly displeased.
That’s when I realized he didn’t even know who I was.
Before my return, I had met him a few times, but only because I relentlessly cried and begged to see my father.
“I am Princess Dorothea Milanaire’s nanny, your Majesty,”the nanny answered, grabbing his attention for a few seconds.
“Dorothea Milanaire?” he repeated.
Carnan’s stare met mine, and his brows furrowed deeper than before.
“Ah… this is driving me crazy,” he complained.
Crazy? Did he just say crazy?
I quietly swallowed the angry knot in my throat.
* * *
