TISND Chapter 149

Chapter 149

“Where are you going?”

Caligo asked. Helena parted her lips slightly, hesitating. The warmth of his touch no longer felt comforting—it felt sharp, almost stinging. His hand supporting her waist didn’t bring the familiar warmth it once had. Rather than feeling flustered, she felt uncomfortable.

She needed to say she was fine. That she didn’t need his help. That she could walk on her own. That if she really needed assistance, she could call Jane.

But she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

In the distance, the sound of children’s laughter echoed. Among them, Joshua’s voice rang out. Before she knew it, he had fully blended in with the other children, playing joyfully.

“Father! Helena!”

Noticing them, Joshua beamed brightly and waved his hand enthusiastically.

Joshua often acted mature for his age, yet from an adult’s perspective, there was still a simple innocence to him. He looked genuinely happy to see her and Caligo together.

Helena didn’t want to take that joy away from him—not at this moment, at least.

So, she spoke softly to Caligo.

“…I was going to my bedroom.”

I was just going to lie down for a bit.

The last words were whispered so faintly that they were barely audible. But Caligo seemed to understand everything she had said.

The tension in his expression eased ever so slightly, and he gave a short nod.

“Alright.”

Because of their height difference, Helena practically had to lean into his embrace as they walked. Caligo, supporting most of her weight with one arm, carried her effortlessly, despite the injury on his other arm.

He doesn’t even find me heavy.

And yet, he’s wounded.

Helena clutched her cane tightly against her chest.

Caligo brought her safely to her bedroom on the second floor. Yet despite not having moved her feet much, Helena was the one left utterly exhausted. Her face had gone pale, and she tried to hide the slight trembling in her shoulders by pulling her cloak tighter around herself.

He pulled back the blankets and helped her sit on the bed. Adjusting the pillow behind her, he made sure she could lean against it comfortably, then placed the blanket over her lap.

Only then did Caligo take a moment to look around the room.

There wasn’t much to see.

Aside from the bed and a small nightstand, the room was empty. There wasn’t even a wardrobe—perhaps she didn’t have many clothes to store.

If it were the old Helena, she would have broken the silence by now, filling it with some trivial comment. She would have said something meaningless, like how the weather had gotten cold, only to realize moments later that it was actually summer and internally despair over her mistake.

But not now.

Maybe because she had already made up her mind about their relationship, no thoughts came to her. She didn’t even want to bother thinking of something to say.

She was too exhausted for that now.

It was Caligo who unexpectedly broke the silence first.

“I’m searching for an antidote for Asehimmo.”

Helena stiffened in shock.

She hadn’t expected him to know about her illness. She had assumed he only knew she was unwell, nothing more. She felt foolish for thinking that.

Looking back, it should have been obvious.

She had been walking with a cane, yet Joshua had only worried for her rather than asking what was wrong.

Ah…

So, they had known from the start.

A bitter chuckle escaped her lips.

No matter how much she had tried to hide it, it was impossible to conceal her condition forever.

Somewhere along the way, they must have begun to suspect.

And now, he had learned the truth—she was suffering from Asehimmo poisoning.

But to Helena, this was a secret she desperately wanted to keep—both the fact that she was an illegitimate child and that she was terminally ill. She didn’t want to be pitied. She didn’t want to be remembered as a frail, sickly patient. She wanted to remain, until the very end, as the dignified Helena Eskel.

She felt both anger and sorrow.

Why go so far to find it? If they had investigated her background, they would have realized it sooner or later. The “Helena Eskel” they had imagined must have turned out to be an even more insignificant girl than they had thought.

A terminally ill illegitimate child.

A woman from a fallen noble family.

How pitiful must she seem in their eyes?

“I’ve sent letters across the continent, searching in every possible way, so try not to worry too much.”

“…….”

“We’ll find the antidote soon.”

‘No. It’s too late for that. There is no Asehimmo antidote anywhere in the world. So please, stop clinging to false hope and return to the capital. That’s all you need to do.’

Helena swallowed the words she wanted to say.

Aiden had searched every corner of the land and still failed to find a cure. From the beginning, the Asehimmo antidote had never existed.

But lashing out wouldn’t help. It would only leave wounds on both their hearts, and that wasn’t what Helena wanted.

In the final moments of her life, all she wished for was peace.

Not conflict.

Not love.

None of it mattered anymore.

She just wanted to part ways with Caligo on good terms.

“Thank you.”

That was all she could say.

Even though she knew it was a meaningless endeavor, she forced a faint, bitter smile.

“But even if you find an antidote, the best place for proper treatment is the capital.”

“……Your Excellency, I’m not going back.”

Her desire to let them leave without resistance was largely because of the children.

She was going to die anyway, but they would continue to live.

She wanted their parting to be free of guilt.

If she fought with Caligo here, Jeremy and Joshua would undoubtedly be heartbroken.

A person who was already destined to die had no right to stand in the way of those who still had a future.

“Alright. If that’s your decision, I won’t force you.”

For once, Helena had asserted herself with an unusual firmness, and even Caligo had no choice but to concede.

He couldn’t force her to leave if she had decided to stay in Horion.

“But there’s something I need to tell you.”

“……Something you need to tell me?”

At the darkened expression on Caligo’s face, Helena immediately understood what he meant.

Guilt.

By now, Caligo knew everything about her life.

That she had been Forget-Me-Not.

That she was an illegitimate child.

That she was terminally ill.

He probably knew more about her than she knew about herself.

But she didn’t need his apology.

She was sick of guilt and pity.

Soon, there would be little left of her in the world.

All that would remain was the memory of her in the minds of those who continued to live.

If those memories were tainted with guilt, that would be far too sorrowful.

…Besides, what would he even have to apologize for to a worthless girl like me?

Of course, it would be a lie to say I wasn’t hurt by him. But so what? Caligo had lost his brother to the Eskel family—how could anyone blame him for being cold to an Eskel girl? The entire world condemned my family.

If anything, his actions were completely justified.

Instead of driving me away, he allowed me to stay with the children. I should be grateful for that alone. Thanks to him, I was able to spend the happiest moments of my life.

I didn’t reveal the truth about the Eskel family just to get an apology. This was something only I could do. It was only right for the sinner to act for the victim.

So there was no reason for Caligo to apologize to me.

…The truth is, his words hurt me deeply. They tormented me. Even in my sleep, the things he said would pierce my heart like arrows. Sometimes, I would find myself crying as I walked. Even now, facing him is painful.

But I won’t hate him anymore. I won’t let it hurt me.

I’m too tired to hate.

I just want to forget everything and quietly close my eyes.

I won’t accept feelings born from guilt.

I just won’t.

“You… I misunderstood—”

“No. Please, don’t say anything.”

It was Helena who stopped Caligo from speaking.

“Don’t even think about apologizing. This is my fault.”

“……You—”

“How could this possibly be Your Excellency’s fault?”

Helena spoke firmly.

“It was my fault from the very beginning.”

“……”

“It was my fault for not saying anything.”

What was love, really? How arrogant of me to try and bring him into my life. I should never have done that.

Because of me, Caligo, Jeremy, and Joshua could have all been hurt.

I was lucky this time.

But next time, they might end up like Jane—wounded, broken.

“You said it yourself, didn’t you?”

“……”

“How could anyone trust the words of an Eskel?”

Even I would have thought the same.

I nearly tainted Frantor’s name. I should step away now while I still can. Maybe the fact that Caligo and the children remained unharmed was a stroke of luck.

“……So please, don’t say anything.”

Helena didn’t shed a single tear.

Her voice was no different than usual.

But to Caligo, it looked as if she was crying.

She had the same expression as when she had told him to leave.

He watched as she wounded herself without hesitation, as if it were nothing.

This wasn’t the Helena he had known.

She had always been someone who understood right from wrong.

But now, she was hurting herself relentlessly—believing it was only natural.

How could this possibly be your fault?

Caligo wanted to demand an answer.

But—

“I should bring blankets for the children. The wind is getting cold.”

Before he could say anything, Helena had already turned to leave.

What have I done to her?

As he stood there, frozen, a sinking feeling settled deep in his chest.

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