TISND Chapter 129

Chapter 129

She had loved him unrequitedly for a long time, so she could tell—his attitude had changed. Caligo had always maintained basic courtesy, but there had always been an invisible wall around him. Subtly, that wall had shifted.

Caligo had never held her gaze for long. When he smiled, it was only occasionally, and usually around the children. He was a man like a fortress.

Moreover, she knew she was of no use to him anymore. Their relationship was at its end—only a farewell remained. So why had he suddenly changed? In the past, she might have welcomed his kindness. Since childhood, she had craved people’s goodwill and warmth. But not anymore. Not from him. She didn’t want to be disappointed again. She didn’t want to be hurt again. No. She wanted it to stop. Her heart was already tattered enough to bear more pain…

What had he found out? Perhaps he had uncovered a clue about the forget-me-not. But his answer was far from what she had expected. Caligo, showing no intention of hiding anything, spoke easily.

“I met a servant who worked for the Count’s family 20 years ago.”

“……”

It felt like a blow to the head. She forgot to breathe for a moment, and her vision went dark. Because it was such a painful memory for her—one she wanted to hide.

It wasn’t that it would be shameful if the world found out. She just… she just didn’t want Caligo to know. Not him, of all people. He was the one she had loved, even if not now, maybe once. Or perhaps, even now, she might still love him.

She didn’t want to look small in front of someone she liked. And nothing was more dreadful than earning his pity or compassion.

Your feelings are just guilt. There’s no love in them…

Anyway, it’s not like you’ll ever love me.

She hated the thought that he might look at her with nothing but sympathy.

“There’s no need to worry. I won’t tell anyone else…”

“Stop.”

I didn’t choose to be born like this.

I wanted to grow up loved, just like everyone else.

I wanted a family with whom I could share happiness, and who would be there with me through sorrow. Do you think I was always used to being alone? I just didn’t want to get hurt anymore. I didn’t want to have hope from the beginning. That’s why. I thought if I got used to being alone, I wouldn’t be hurt anymore.

“Stop it.”

If it were anyone else, it might have been bearable, but she couldn’t stand Caligo’s pity. She liked it better when things were as before—equal. She liked it when they looked at each other without political or complicated interests in between. Yes. Just like when they first met. When they spent time alone in the forest, shared meals, and napped together.

This wasn’t the kind of time she wanted. No. She hated his pity. Even if he no longer hated her, it didn’t erase the label of “Eskel.” It wouldn’t bring them together.

If this was how it would be, she would rather he hated her. If even he pitied her, it felt like her life, her entire existence, would truly become miserable. No. She couldn’t bear that… She didn’t want his heart to be filled with pity instead of love.

Even now, there might be sympathy in his eyes, but there was no love.

“There’s no need to explain.”

“……”

“We’re not in that kind of relationship, are we?”

Just as Your Grace doesn’t believe my words, I won’t believe yours anymore. Helena said.

It wasn’t that she lacked pride. Especially not in front of this man. She never wanted to show weakness. She would rather die than do so.

Helena swallowed back the sobs that threatened to escape. She looked up at him with calm and composure. She hoped, desperately, that her face appeared as usual. She hoped he wouldn’t notice the struggle within her, the fight to hold back her tears.

“There’s really no need to explain to me.”

Even if she could hold back the tears, she couldn’t stop her trembling hands. Helena clenched her fist within the folds of her clothing, trying desperately to hide her shaking.

“I’m fine. You don’t have to be so careful with your words.”

I am not a pitiful woman.

Though I wasn’t loved, at least I lived without shame. So I am not a pitiful woman. I didn’t live a life that deserved anyone’s pity.

You may pity me because I am an illegitimate child, but you don’t have to. I am truly okay. I will hold my head high until the end. Maybe not my father, but at least my own life—I want to be able to say I lived it without regret. A life that will naturally fade away like fallen leaves in winter. I won’t have any lingering feelings when I close my eyes.

“Don’t pity me.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Don’t deny it. Your Grace… You pity me because I’m an illegitimate child.”

She felt she needed to end this conversation quickly. If they continued, she might not be able to hold back the tears she had been suppressing. Her voice was already faintly trembling.

“If this is how it’s going to be, then just hate me.”

“……”

“As you said, I’ll disappear from your sight.”

Helena turned her back on him as if fleeing.

I have to leave. I don’t want to see his face anymore. Not ever again. If I see Caligo again, I feel like I’ll break down and cry.

“Helena!”

She thought she heard him call her name from behind, but she didn’t care.

She didn’t even know how she had managed to get out of the banquet hall. Her limbs were barely holding up, yet somehow, she had stumbled her way out. Perhaps, in her daze, Jane had helped her. By the time they reached the carriage, both Helena and Jane were drenched in sweat.

She had longed for that man’s love for so long. But in the end, all she received was pity and sympathy. She wanted him to see her as a woman, but now he’ll only see her as a pitiful illegitimate child.

A sob nearly burst out from between her clenched lips. If she closed her eyes, she felt like the tears pooling at the corners would fall. If even a single tear dropped, she feared she might break down into uncontrollable sobs. So, she didn’t close her eyes. I won’t cry. I’ll never cry.

“…Madam, I saw someone I know at the event.”

“……”

“I’d like to greet them and maybe have a meal with my acquaintance. Would that be alright?”

On any other day, Helena would have noticed that Jane’s words were an obvious lie. But today, Helena couldn’t even pick up on it. Sure, go ahead. I’m fine, so go. That’s what she said.

After a moment, Jane left, and the carriage started moving.

Helena tried to focus on the scenery outside the window as usual. Since she rarely went out, she always enjoyed watching the outside world when she rode in the carriage.

The scenery outside was no different from usual. The bustling streets and the lively people. Normally, seeing the smiles on their faces would make her smile without realizing it. But today was different.

Suddenly, a truth struck her. All she can do is watch. No matter what, she’ll never truly blend in.

So, what would normally have brought a smile to her face now felt unbearably cold. It had never been possible from the start. Not with Caligo, not with Jeremy, not with Joshua.

I never belonged.

What if the children found out I was an illegitimate child? Would they pity me too?

It hurt. It was cold.

Though the weather outside was sweltering, her heart felt raw and torn, as if it were freezing.

In the end, Helena couldn’t hold back her tears any longer.

No. I am not pitiful. I am not miserable. I’m fine. I can do this. I’m used to being alone. I was born alone. So, I’m fine.

Her tears, once they started, could not be stopped. But at least she managed to hold back the sound of her sobs. Helena covered her mouth with her sleeve, letting out small, stifled cries.

A life with no lingering attachments. The only thing she wished for now was that by the time the carriage stopped, her tears would have dried. She hoped that no one in Eskel would notice her tears.

After a while, the carriage entered the Eskel estate. When it finally stopped, Helena returned to the annex, looking as if nothing had happened.

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