<Episode 41>
My exit had finally appeared, but something was wrong.
‘Did it just speak?’
In addition, she was even looking up at me with a confident gaze while standing on her little legs. She was pretty different from the exit I was used to seeing.
‘The other one just used to follow me around with a frightened face.’
Besides, he never opened his mouth. It was like he was a mute.
That meant…
‘…ah, is this an illusion, not the exit?’
I couldn’t believe that I was hallucinating even as I recognised the trap. It was a truly unique and shockingly interesting occurrence.
‘My hallucination opponent usually used to be Andert, or the great wizard Mephisto. Occasionally a dead comrade. Why did it change to a younger version of me?’
Perhaps she’d gotten frustrated as I silently stood without doing anything, but the young girl pulled at my clothing with a fed-up expression.
“What are you looking at so foolishly? Let’s get out of here.”
“…Alright.”
Once you break the illusion, you’ll find a new way out.
I picked up the young me, who spoke here and there, and walked with her in my arms.
The young me, who froze up with surprise, initially looked at me with eyes that said, ‘is she crazy? What is wrong?’ but then became calm as we walked.
I think I used to be a calm and quiet child when I was younger. Did I romanticize my memories? The young me, who relaxed her body against mine and hugged me, asked me,
“What were you doing here?”
It felt strange to be asked a question by a younger version of yourself. Even so, I answered truthfully.
“I was saving my friends.”
“Friends? How can you save something that doesn’t exist? Are you delusional?”
I was shocked. The little girl’s mockery made my head go blank.
No way.
‘My opponent is…bullying me for having no friends?’
I felt uncomfortable.
Even if it’s a hallucination, isn’t she still the childhood version of me? I didn’t want to bite the dust and admit anything in front of this bully.
“You have a very big misunderstanding. I’m not an outcast. I have a lot of precious friends around me now, and I did so even in the past. You and I are no longer alone.”
Little me asked back with a skeptical look,
“Who are your friends? Tell me.”
“The head maid, the assassin-butler, the old potato seller…”
Should I also put in Yeager and Volkwin? But they were Viscount Weatherwoods’ friends, not mine. Well, three were enough, so let’s not push it.
“Is that it?”
“Yeah. About that many.”
“That can’t be it.”
“Then?”
“What about the chef and gardener?”
Young me, who was looking at me with displeased eyes, raised a corner of her mouth and smiled.
“Oh, right. Rue is not a friend, but the master who holds a dog leash attached to your collar so you don’t run wild. You’re very good at grasping the situation. I’ll compliment you.”
This was the second time I was absolutely bewildered. Who did she say was my master? who?!
No way.
“My master…is Rue?”
Ew, no! I didn’t want Rue to be thought of anything like that! I squeezed little me’s cheeks and yelled.
“Get your wits together! Rue is not my master! He’s more like a frumpy princess on a high horse!”
Little me looked up at me with disbelief, her face crumpled in my arms.
“Princess?”
“Yeah.”
“…Well, anyway, it seems you know you have to serve him anyway, hehe.”
The cynical smile on her lips somehow felt familiar. She should look cute when she smiled, so why did I feel annoyed?
“I think that’s enough for puns. I want to ask you one thing.”
“Ask it.”
“Why am I hallucinating you?”
I closed my mouth and looked at the young me in silence
“What do you mean hallucinating?”
Do hallucinations sometimes not recognize themselves as hallucinations? No, I’d never heard of it.
“Because you are not my exit.”
“Why am I not your exit?”
“My exit used to look like me as a child, but never once did that exit speak.”
At that moment, little me asked me something with a strange smile.
“Do I look like your childhood?”
I could feel the familiarity of those words.
The reason was clear.
“Do I look like Yeager?”
Because that’s exactly what I’d asked Volkin.
For a moment, my legs stopped and stiffened. I put little me down on the floor and backed away from her.
Little me laughed when she saw me doing that.
“What are you doing?”
“Who are you?”
“I think you seem to need productive advice more than the answer to that question.”
“……”
“What exactly are your hallucinations?”
“…….”
“If you know it already, why are you just leaving them alone to fester instead of overcoming them?”
Only then did I take a look around.
The whole world was engulfed in darkness, and I stood alone in the middle of it.
[Die, Andert!]
[We don’t need someone like you who couldn’t save us! Die!]
A world full of screams and curses.
I knew it. These voices were all just illusions. Very old illusions on top of that.
The people I couldn’t save.
[If you can’t save me, die!]
Those people were my true opponents.
Every time I was caught in a trap, I could hear them, but that was it.
I could escape the trap through the exit even if I heard their voice. It was only natural that they called me a traitor.
The question struck me then.
“Why was my exit a younger version of me?”
Why was a weak and fragile little girl my exit?
It was because she was weak and couldn’t save anyone.
I couldn’t save people because I was afraid.
For the weaker, younger version of me to by exit…
“Yeah, it seems like your brain is working now. That’s right, Daisy. Your opponents were not the people you could not save.”
The younger me giggled with a lovely voice.
“It was your desire to save people.”
“…my opponent was my desire to save people?”
“Why? Are you embarrassed of it?”
I was in a trance.
Why the frightened little girl was my exit; I could understand now.
It was because she could run away.
You can run away if you’re a child.
You can give in to fear and disappear far away.
“Oh, my.”
At that moment, it seemed like my face was burning so hot it could melt.
“What’s embarrassing about it? because you found out you were doing something burdensome? Do you think it’s laughable for you to call yourself a hero when this was what you’d subconsciously wanted all this time? Oops. Totally wrong, Miss Daisy.”
I could hear her steps getting closer. The girl’s small shoes appeared in my sight.
“Don’t feel ashamed of yourself. Rather, only feel sorry for allowing yourself to be overworked due to a misguided sense of duty.”
“…….”
“Listen more to the inner cry you’ve ignored so far.”
“…….”
“Be hard on yourself only for the fact that you took your own sacrifices for granted.”
If I wasn’t imagining it, the little girl’s voice, as she talked, seemed to getting heavier by the minute.
“Ah yes. I should ask you one more time.”
The gentle rhythm in her voice created a soothing coolness. The delightful aura that once surrounded her, filled with loveliness, had transformed into a somber and melancholic one, resembling the crashing waves against rocks, leaving behind a lingering echo.
“Do I still look like your childhood?”
The newly-changed voice was one very familiar to me.
As usual, his long legs carried him confidently until they halted just in front of me. His towering height overshadowed me as I sat on the ground, and his waist loomed before me.
“What do you say? Raise your head.”
But I couldn’t bear to raise my head.
“What?”
The person was no longer the little girl.
It was the man who’d come to break my hallucination.
The man’s sleeves were rolled up. The smooth skin under the sleeves was studded with various straight lines.
‘Traces of oaths.’
Approximately 10 of them. The person who had so many oaths engraved on the inside of his arms….there was only one I knew.
The only one was Rue.
.
.
.
I wanted to die.
I couldn’t believe my exit looked like Rue. Didn’t that mean I was subconsciously relying on him? Ughh. It was definitely my childhood self at first, but why did it change to Rue later? Why? Why? Why? Why? Was I mad? Did subconscious me want to die of embarrassment?
Was it ‘cause I figured out exactly what my problem was? That’s why it changed to Rue?
That was even worse.
My weakness that even I didn’t know about. The only person to bring out that and show me that weakness was him?
“Well.”
Following a short moment of silence, Rue began speaking.
“The first enlightenment to gaining perfect control over mind and body. It’s good. But it’s not enough to understand yourself from head to toe.”
“…….”
“Typically, people who engage in physical movement tend to learn more quickly compared to those who don’t. That’s what I’ve observed, at least. Spending all day sitting at a desk and reading books can be inefficient. It’s also beneficial to prevent muscle loss.”
Was he comforting me?
‘Does he think I’m traumatized after realising dark things about my subconscious?’
I was alright. I received more shock from the fact my exit had manifested as him.
“So I admit. Today’s events and work are one of the best blessings you’ll receive in life.”
“…….”
“Accept the fact that you yourself are infinitely weak.”
Who’s weak?
Me?
“Anything weak is inherently unstable, be it the potted plant you call ‘Ru’ you nurture or yourself. You’re not much different in my eyes.”
In the entire world, there existed just one person who called me weak. Only one individual dared to equate my strength with that of a mere sprouting seedling. The one who penetrates, displays, and advises me on the inner weaknesses that I can’t catch on my own. Yes, the only person like that was Rue.
‘…he’s a jerk. But I can’t not admit it.’
Rue was my exit.
‘H-He was the person who helped me overcome trouble… In other words, he’s my… s-savio—’
Ahem. Anyways, that was it. So it wasn’t all that strange for my exit to look like Rue.
‘Sigh, admitting it does make me feel a bit at ease.’
I looked up feeling much lighter. Then I took a slight bow.
“Thank you for the lecture on life, Rue.”
When I raised my chin, Rue looked a little disappointed.
“No fun. I’d expected you to be a little more embarrassed.”
He said, touching my forehead slightly with the tip of his index finger.
“Let’s go back.”
The low words became a spell, and broke my illusions.
EDIT: so, on my 13th re-read, I think Rue might have actually been there this chapter. The reason I was confused was because Daisy kept calling Rue her exit in embarrassment, but I understand it a little better now. the reason Daisy was embarrassed remains the same, at this point Rue’s a stable figure in her life and her exit changing to recognize that is making her want to dig a hole in the ground and hide. the thing is, if Daisy’s subconscious didn’t recognize that, then Daisy’s exit would’ve looked like her younger self until the end, like with Yeager and Volkwin, who saw Daisy as the other until the end. Daisy’s mind however recognizes Rue as a person of reliability, so after a while, she can see him as him. I think Daisy herself might’ve not been too sure about this either. the explanation about the exit also remains the same! I’m now open to the possibility that Rue found Daisy before her exit did.
also something about Daisy just picking up Rue in her arms while he appears as her younger self is so funny to me that I had to edit and let this be known lmao
it can be either, so it is left to interpretation!
Perks of a re-read??
I actually cried this chapter. for a quick explanation: the exit is not an actual person. it’s just a manifestation of a person. people can only find their exit if they realise themselves they’re in the trap. Daisy was an external force that took on the role of the exit for Volkwin and Yeager, but since she was aware of the trap, she didn’t need an external force. so the exit was presented to her anyway. so Rue most likely isn’t actually here in this chapter, that’s why Daisy is embarrassed, because the exit is a manifestation of one’s subconscious comfort person and she’s forced to admit that Rue has become sort of a reliable and stable figure in her life.
I love this series so much.
Thank you for the chapter and explanation!
It would have been confusing without it. I do love how MC hates her own romance.
I totally thought that was Rue there. Thank you for the explanation. She really is growing as a person. Thank you for the translation.
Beautiful work as always. Thank you. I had arrived at similar conclusions – but your explanation was really eloquently said – thanks for that as well! / also = vytas0210 – that last line is pretty damn nice.