Chapter 73
I stared blankly at him for a moment.
Now I understood the subtle meaning in his eyes.
Chan was still looking at me with a face that seemed to say, “You still didn’t know?” My head spun in confusion.
“Is he really drunk?”
“Yeah.”
So, was it all an act?
“Yugyeom, did you come to kill me?”
“No.”
Slurring his words and swaying like he’s drunk?
“Then,”
“…?”
“Do you want to kill me?”
“…I guess I do.”
Ha. Haha! Hahaha!! I burst into fake laughter, then suddenly stopped.
Thinking again, it wasn’t funny at all. I covered my stiffened lips with my hand. No, I shouldn’t have said anything strange…
I stopped thinking for myself.
“Did you lie about anything else?”
I asked through gritted teeth. Ichane casually replied without missing a beat.
“Just assume that 90% of what he says is bullshit.”
I couldn’t laugh anymore.
Well, yeah, I knew Gyeom was that kind of character. That’s why I liked him in the first place. It’s just a small thing. Charm, yeah, charm!
…Charm, my ass.
I roughly wrapped up my thoughts in a positive light and tossed them deep where my hands couldn’t reach.
“What do you think of him?”
The wind continued to blow.
My question was a beat late, as if it got caught in the long hair that swayed in front of my face.
I swept the hair back slowly. My mind felt frozen, as if the stop button had been pressed.
“Why do you keep popping up?”
“…”
“Why do you keep bothering him?”
It was like muttering to myself quietly. But my mind suddenly cleared as if struck by a thunderclap.
Each word pierced my chest sharply.
“Since you showed up, everything’s been a mess.”
My chest felt as cold as if everything had been stripped away. My heart raced like a child caught in a lie.
“I wonder why Gyeom does it. I’m curious why he’s here. Suddenly wanting to die like a madman at the casino? Selling his soul for nothing?”
As if vomiting, Chan grabbed my shoulders.
“I’ll tell you.”
His head leaned towards me. He whispered into my ear without any chance to evade.
“We’re going to destroy Utopia.”
A voice devoid of hope.
“Tear it apart into shreds, leaving no trace behind.”
“…”
“That’s why I exist.”
His gaze, as he stared at me, was dry and desolate. He held onto the desire, now reduced to ashes.
“So, answer me.”
His gaze sharpened even more.
“What is Gyeom to you?”
Chan released my shoulders. But he didn’t move away.
Still leaning slightly, with fiery eyes, he entangled me stubbornly.
“I just…”
Complex emotions surged over me like waves.
“I hope Gyeom doesn’t die.”
My throat tightened. The moment the words left my mouth, they came back to me.
The power of words is remarkable, leaving a vivid impression on me, unlike before.
“Now I’m not sure if this emotion is sympathy or resentment, but… that’s just how it is. It seems to be just that.”
I closed and opened my eyes repeatedly. I swallowed the lump that rose to my throat.
“But why does it always feel like things are ultimately unfolding according to fate?”
My cheeks burned. The heat gathered in my eyes.
But I endured it all. My heart, heated with that intensity, beat louder than the wind.
“If I’m just ruining everything in the end? What if someone dies because of me? I think about it dozens of times a day.”
With the bare ground exposed, there was no more hesitation.
The focus was fixed on me, not Chan. I was facing myself now.
“I don’t know what Gyeom is to me.”
I speculated countless times.
If our beginning wasn’t then, not on the sea of Sakaman, would something have changed?
If I didn’t jump into the fire where you were.
If I didn’t stand in front of the barrel aimed at you.
If I didn’t grab you. If I didn’t confront you. If I ran away where your eyes couldn’t reach.
“But to Gyeom, I…”
But I knew it was a futile hypothesis.
“I hope it was just a long nightmare.”
Even if I went back, I would make the same choice.
Even if I went back, I would save you from the fire, I wouldn’t hesitate in front of the barrel, I would grab you countless times.
“Happiness in dreams only leads to more misery when you wake up.”
I wished for your ending to change.
***
Most of the nightmares were similar.
Some I forgot after waking up, some lingered in my mind for days, and some I forgot and remembered again.
In the dream, I was being chased by a red snake. A repulsive snake with yellow eyes flashing and a split tongue hissing.
“Don’t come!”
The more I ran, the more my legs sank into the mud. The harder I tried to escape, the deeper I sank.
“Don’t come!”
The snake approached slowly. The mud remained as clean as it was at first. Nothing stopped the snake. It smoothly crawled as if entering its own home.
When the snake finally reached me and wrapped around my neck.
Bang!
With the sound of a firecracker, a damp liquid covered me. The smell of blood was vivid. When I raised my arm, blood dripped down my skin.
“But what do you think of him?”
I saw his back blocking my way. A bullet hole pierced through his back.
“Since you showed up, everything’s been a mess.”
And white hair.
I woke up screaming.
My whole body was soaked in cold sweat. My heart raced at an unbearable speed.
My body didn’t feel as heavy as it should have. My vision was blurred as if in a fog.
“…?”
Then I felt a hand brushing my cheek. The hand was cold, and it felt good. I instinctively leaned my cheek against the hand.
“…a dream?”
Though I was speaking, my voice didn’t sound like mine.
“Yeah. It’s a dream.”
A soft, soothing voice. I closed my eyes slowly.
“Cha Yeonbyeol!”
And then I woke up as if being pulled out of the water. I gasped for air, my body trembling as I sat up.
