Chapter 145
The room where Arellin slept.
Ludwig, who had been banished by Mehen’s blessing, returned and sat beside the bed where Valar had sat for the past week.
With Mehen and Valar gone to Mehen’s office, there was no one here to stop Ludwig now.
“…”
The vassals of Halbern Mansion shot him a series of nervous glances, but Ludwig paid them no mind as he looked down at the deeply asleep child.
Small.
So tiny that he was afraid he would break it if he did anything wrong.
Fear, anxiety, impatience, nervousness.
Things that the arrogant Ludwig did not have.
“…”
Ludwig swallowed dryly, his throat burning, and closed his eyes. His eyes were puffy from lack of sleep.
“My Lord.”
“…”
“You must rest now.”
His loyal shadow spoke the words of life and death, but Ludwig neither rebuked him nor shouted back.
Or, more accurately, he didn’t have the energy.
His mind was focused on the tiny breaths of the sleeping child.
The past week, when Arellin hadn’t woken up.
Watching everything that had happened in this room, Ludwig had learned more than he had realized.
That Arellin had been fragile since she was a baby, that she was practically given a death sentence, that she had to take a ‘pill’ once a cycle, that she had only a few days to live.
And that it’s a miracle she’s still alive, and that Valar deserves all the credit.
‘Weird.’
It didn’t sit well with Ludwig that he’d vaguely assumed Valar was happy and doing well, when in reality he was horrible.
It was a strange feeling to see him going through a similar hell to the one he was going through.
Is this a pity? Sympathy?
For Ludwig? For Valar?
Unintentionally, as the one with the closest access to Halbern’s truth, Ludwig could see how much Valar had been carrying around with her.
Even any unpleasant regrets that that unexpected realization brought…
‘Come.’
Did he know that his sister, whom loved so terribly, would roll in such a mire?
That his daughter has an unknown illness?
That every choice he made would bring misery to someone you loved to death?
He wanted to laugh, he wanted to mock, but strangely, he couldn’t.
It just, it just all sucked, and it was futile.
“I thought I was the only one in hell…”
He wasn’t?
Ever since Sione’s death, Ludwig had been stuck in the moment of her death.
Trapped in a moment he couldn’t take back, couldn’t do anything about, where he could fall asleep and see Sione hating him, and wake up and still be trapped in the moment of her death.
Where did he goes wrong?
What should he have done?
Swirling in his head is the foolish desire to rewrite the past.
If that didn’t work, then this time he would destroy Sione so completely that she couldn’t escape his grasp, and he would give up on being loved and choose a relationship that only led to resentment.
He knew he wasn’t normal because he’d been blindsided when he’d found Arellin in the first place, and he’d brought her home without considering the problems of international relations.
Yeah, he knew.
He knew he was being pushy.
Still, the moment he’d gotten his hands on Arellin, he’d sworn to himself that this time, for once, he’d keep her by his side, broken or not…
“Why won’t she wake up?”
The helplessness of watching a tiny body collapse, feverish and agonizing, and having nothing to do but watch.
The misery of realizing that he knows nothing about this tiny child and there is nothing he can do for her.
And the fear he felt as the sense of urgency gripped him by the throat that he was really going to lose Arellin at this rate.
“Why, why won’t she wake up? Why…”
The sight of Arellin lying motionless like a corpse was unfamiliar.
The images of her laughing, talking, getting into trouble, and acting like any other child her age during her time at Castle Locke were scattered like flashes.
His breathing was labored. His fingertips trembled. The hand covering his face blocked his vision, but it didn’t hide the overwhelming sense of reality.
Ludwig’s time passed, as if all the time that had stood still had been turned back at once.
And then.
A terrible regret came over him.
***
Mehen’s office.
The long and sordid story of the past was over. Valar’s tale was long and esoteric, but Mehen’s powers of interpretation were unerring.
The secret and deadly of the former House of Halbern, involving Sione, the senior Archduke Halbern, and even Regent Ludwig.
“So…”
The secret and deadly of the House of Halbern, from Sione to the senior Archduke Halbern to Regent Ludwig.
And…
Even why Valar has changed.
“Valar.”
“It’s all right, Mehen.”
Valar laughed, as always.
“I’m disgusted, too.”
“…”
A feeling of indescribable emotion welled up in him.
He remembered his childhood, the cloudy smile he’d given Valar when he’d reappeared after a long absence, the way he’d wanted to run away, the way he’d missed his sister.
Moments that left him speechless, unable to give a proper answer.
Valar laughed dangerously at Mehen.
“What, do you hate me after all?”
“No, more than that…”
Mehen didn’t know what to make of Valar’s face as he looked at the broken man, unable to distinguish between reality and illusion, unable to recognize what was right and what was wrong.
“How the hell did you survive that? I was right there with you, obviously, so why wasn’t I…”
Mehen had always thought Valar was weird, but he hadn’t expected this to be the source of his discomfort.
“I didn’t think you…”
rolling in the mud like that.
Valar laughed at Mehen’s guilty expression.
“Why are you feeling sorry for me all of a sudden?”
“…”
Mehen swallowed dryly, hiding his complicated feelings.
“Yeah, I was wondering why the guy with everything seemed so unhappy…”
“Yeah, you’re right, I have everything.”
Long eyelashes lowered slightly.
“Why…”
“…”
“Why couldn’t I have saved my sister.”
The shaded eyes turned a deep purple.
“I gave her everything I had.”
“…”
“I could have sacrificed anything.”
Valar self-deprecated.
“Why am I always late?”
“Valar…”
“I was late twice.”
In the end, he couldn’t save his sister.
Mehen reached out to the distressed Valar.
“It’s not your fault.”
“It is my fault.”
“Why is that…”
“Because if it weren’t for me, she wouldn’t have made the choices she did.”
He couldn’t defy Sione anymore. She told him to take care of Arellin and to leave her behind.
‘Arellin.’
She was never unimportant, never unloved.
Sometimes it was her maintenance, sometimes it was the end of her last connection to her sister, sometimes it was her duty…
or the last reason and purpose for living.
But never, not once, has Arellin itself been the reason for this blind devotion.
Love? He is capable of love, with a mind so broken?
A lie without resentment, a precious but troublesome presence.
That’s what Arellin was to Valar.
It seemed impossible to love her.
But he thought he could keep her alive, and that’s what he tried to do.
Valar recalled the past week.
The image of Arellin asleep and unable to wake reminded him of her in countless dreams.
Arellin going cold and never waking up again.
He couldn’t escape the nightmarish grip of the memory.
The nameless emotions that rushed through her during the waiting moments were also unfamiliar.
“Dad…”
The first time he was called dad.
The first conversation he’d ever had.
The first smile he’d ever seen.
Was that the problem?
His daughter, who would die before she could speak if he raised her, and die before she could come back to him when it was time to speak if he left her to others.
The small body, the warmth.
That was once all he remembered of Arellin.
That’s why he’s being punished.
A throbbing headache and blurred vision overlaid with another vision that made him wince.
“Mehen! Your Excellency!”
Dylan shouted as the door to the throne room swung open.
“The lady is awake!”
