Chapter 71
She screwed up.
All she could think about was that her life was ruined.
She know in her head that she shouldn’t be doing this, that she should calm her psyche down, but in this moment, all she could think about was that she was totally fucked.
She want to scream at herself to get a grip, but no matter how she try, all she can think about is how fucked up she.
“Arellin?”
She wants to cry.
No, she wants to run away.
No, she just wanted to disappear.
Unlike her mind, which was drifting off into space, her body was still in the present, and Pession was still standing in front of her.
That was the most maddening part.
Her breathing became irregular and she felt like she was hyperventilating. Heat rose to her face and her cheeks flushed.
“Arellin, what’s wrong?”
Everything that had been flowing so effortlessly up until this point was an unfamiliar irritant.
The fluttering eyelashes, the clear pupils that were focused solely on her. Even the faint scent of his perfume.
All of it. She despaired at the vivid awareness that she could not deny, even if she tried.
She is in love with Pession, yes…
Damn, this is ridiculous.
No, of course she likes it. She likes him, but only in a human, humanitarian way, like, she like him because he likes her.
Uh, yeah, she sure it was.
Because she never had anyone like him like that before, and she never been loved like that before, so she is not sure she…
No, fuck that.
It’s all excuses and bullshit.
Despair wrapped around her, making her want to put her head in her hands and curl up in a ball. The only good thing was that Pession was holding her up, so she didn’t fall to the ground in disgrace.
She woke up dazed and deaf as if she had been punched. Her toes are tingling, and her sense of reality is fading.
This is ridiculous.
She can’t believe there are so many people and all she can see is Pession.
“Arellin, are you really sick?”
“No, I’m fine, just stay still.”
“You don’t look okay.”
“You’ll be fine if you stay still.”
Since when? Since when?
The feeling of liking someone is so foreign and alien to her that she doesn’t know what to make of it.
For so long, her whole life was dominated by her mother, and there was no room for anyone else. It was the same when she abandoned her and left.
Even now, after reincarnating and regaining her past life memories. To be honest, she still hasn’t moved out of her mother’s shadow.
There was still her, frozen in time, not having grown an inch, wanting to grow up, wanting to love, wanting to see, wanting to be loved.
Maybe she will never get out of it.
But this.
That’s not the same thing at all.
Does she like it? That’s ridiculous. She is lying, right? She likes Pession… Fuck, is that even possible?
The strange agitation was confusing, and it was strange to find herself unable to calm down.
Why can’t she calm down? Why can’t she calm down? What the hell? Why? Why?
The irregular beating of her heart was unfamiliar.
It doesn’t sound like her.
She felt like a child, like she was about to burst into tears of despair.
“Ah.”
Pession seemed to be confused as well. Pession’s expression grew more and more serious as he looked at her.
“Arellin. Look at me.”
Look at me, you bastard.
***
Pession thought something was wrong with Arellin.
Maybe it was because of what had just happened.
Pession chewed his lip in anger, remembering the nobles who’d been verbally abusing Arellin, before refocusing on Arellin.
“Huh? Arellin. Look at me.”
It wasn’t the usual Arellin. Her eyes were so shaky as she looked at him.
He’d never seen Arellin this agitated before, as if she were waterlogged, as if she had no highs or lows except when she was exercising.
‘It must be the Archduke of Halbern.’
He narrowed his eyes, feeling terribly bad for Arellin, even though he knew it was inevitable that she would react this way since he was her real father.
She looked as if she wanted to cry, but her tear-filled eyes were so bright and beautiful that Pession was momentarily mesmerized.
A complex of unreadable emotions flashed through his mind, and then his focus returned to the rose-stone eyes.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look okay at all.”
“No, I’m fine.”
Arellin stammered, trying to hide her flushed face. Pession’s expression hardened.
For some reason, he felt as if Arellin had pushed him away earlier, and his heart twisted.
‘You can’t do this.’
He had to be nice, or he would be hated.
Already realizing that he was a complete and utter underdog in Arellin’s eyes, Pession tried to be as harmless and cautious as possible.
The longer he rode, the less patient he became, the more frantic he became, the more he looked like he was going to go mad at times, but he was still okay. For now.
“Ah.”
Pession felt his patience drying up as he held onto Arellin, who was staggering, pale as if about to collapse.
Should he summon the imperial physician now, or should he tell her to return as she was?
As his mind spun, the one emotion that remained clear was that he didn’t want to let go of her hand.
He wants to be with her.
He had barely waited a week to see it, and he didn’t want to let it go.
Not in this situation, not like this.
“… Why are you looking at me like that?”
“My face.”
Arellin looked like she was going to cry and wanted to pull away, but she couldn’t let go of Pession. She didn’t realize it was driving him crazy.
‘Why is she doing this?’
Pession hummed to himself.
He purposely stayed away on a day like today, when there were more outsiders than usual, because he knew she would get more attention, but he should have stayed closer to her.
He just didn’t like the attention being drawn to Arellin.
It’s unpleasant.
He just wants to see her.
He wants to know only her, he wants to have only her.
A man who said good things were good things, who would gladly share what he had if he could, something he would never have done before, when he was a good Crown Prince.
Still, Pession had been in a bad mood ever since Arellin had reappeared at the collection meeting.
It was nice to have more time together, but he didn’t like having someone else in the mix. It was an unfamiliar feeling he’d never felt before. It was annoying.
He didn’t like the fact that they were getting less and less alone time together, and he didn’t like that Arellin had new friends, even twins.
He doesn’t even realize it, he’s just being led around by the nose…
‘And it’s all boys!’
He put up with it because he didn’t want to be hated, but his frustration and anxiety were building.
And today, Shirua’s behavior had fuelled Pession’s sense of exclusivity.
Arellin had thought the Halbern table was quite simply because she had no friends, but that was not the case.
It was not true, for those who sought Mehen’s favor were repeatedly deterred by the Pession’s murderous glare.
Many had to look out for themselves to stay out of the Crown Prince’s sight.
“Your Highness, there are many eyes.”
Graham said gently, as if to remind him of his position as Crown Prince.
“Pession, I’m fine now.”
Done. Arellin barely smiled to reassure Pession.
For the first time, Pession hated that he was the Crown Prince.
“Your Highness.”
He regretted that he hadn’t been the first to step in and overturn Arellin when she was being criticized for a fault that wasn’t hers.
At the same time, he burned with intense animosity toward Archduke Halbern, who had turned the tables by merely showing up.
“Your Highness, you must remain in your seat.”
He could feel Shirua’s curious gaze on him; apparently, he had failed to protect Arellin from Shirua after all.
He can feel the Duke of Sperom’s curious gaze, and he can sense all the unspoken but subtle looks of attention.
All of them. And yet, Pession could only stare into one pair of eyes.
If only those eyes could look at him forever.
“…I’ll find her.”
Pession struggled against the hand that wouldn’t let go and took an unwilling step away.
He really, really didn’t want to fall.
