Episode 22
As I was about to leave, Eunice approached me.
“Evelyn.”
Eunice called my name with an affectionate tone.
Her pronunciation of my name was surprisingly gentle.
Did I ever allow her to use my name separately?
To the best of my knowledge, I hadn’t.
“Lady Duran.”
I responded with formality, and she seemed taken aback.
Of course.
She must not have expected such a stiff response after treating me informally.
“Have you thought of a designer? If not, we can share the dressing room…”
“No, Lady Duran. Thank you, but it’s fine. The seamstress in the duchy enjoys making outfits for gatherings very much.”
I said with a smile.
Eunice approached me in this manner.
It was uncomfortable and difficult.
As I spoke, I nervously balled my trembling fingers.
It was when Eunice seemed to hesitate to say something more.
“Lady!”
Turning my head at the voice calling from behind, I saw the princess standing there.
“You’re here! I’ve been worried about my slip of the tongue… Oh, Lady Duran is here too.”
The princess couldn’t have missed Eunice.
“Could you step aside for a moment? I want to apologize.”
At the princess’s words, Eunice bowed her head and left.
Alone now with the princess, I looked at my hand that she had been holding.
“You…”
The princess murmured softly, as if speaking to herself.
“You always seem anxious, as if you’re being chased by something. Is it just my imagination?”
Her piercing question made my smile fade.
“Do you sleep well?”
I couldn’t answer.
I just smiled quietly.
“It seems not.”
The princess smiled softly as well.
“I’m not sure what the problem is, but try to relax.”
A gentle hand fell on my shoulder.
The moment I wanted to shake off that hand, I realized that I was making the princess uncomfortable.
“Maybe if you rest well, you’ll have the leisure to revisit the problem. Start by thinking about where you stand.”
Rest well?
It was a kind advice, but I couldn’t help but feel cynical.
Where in this world could I relax and rest my mind?
I lightly bowed to thank the princess for her advice and slowly left.
Following my scheduled appointment, I made my way to the library in the palace.
“Were you sick?”
The crown prince was waiting for me.
He wasn’t the person I wanted to face, but unexpectedly, he asked about my well-being.
“I had a slight cold. I’m perfectly fine now, so don’t worry.”
“You seem to have a weak body.”
“It’s not really like that…”
I trailed off in response to the crown prince’s words.
Upon reflecting on my past, I wondered if my body was actually sturdy, having endured cold and hunger in the past. Even though my body had become more comfortable, I seemed to have been sick more often in the past five years. It seemed that the problem lay more in my mind than my body.
“You always have the look of someone being chased, worried, and pondering.”
I had no idea what day it was today.
Both siblings seemed to see through me.
I blushed briefly in confusion.
“If it bothered you, I apologize.”
I tried to turn the conversation with an apology.
The crown prince pulled out a book from the shelf, glanced through it quickly, and then put it back.
I watched his actions as if mesmerized.
“I don’t mind people like you. Gloomy, anxious, and thoughtful…”
He seemed to have no intention of changing the subject.
Looking at his calm face without any hesitation or difficulty made me feel uneasy.
“If you don’t mind, why do you keep asking troublesome questions?”
I tried to speak softly this time, but it didn’t go well.
There was no immediate answer to my question.
This time, I became bolder.
I asked again.
“Why do you keep staring at me?”
Instead of answering, the crown prince walked towards me, turning the bookshelf.
Unable to avoid it, I faced him head-on.
Tall stature, a strikingly handsome face that felt intimidating, and scrutinizing eyes.
Everything about him was imposing.
As I stepped back, my back hit the wall.
His eyes looking straight at me didn’t feel human at all.
My heart pounded rapidly.
But even so, I conveyed what I felt uncomfortable about to him and his sister.
“If you treat me as just a curiosity… it’s uncomfortable.”
He met my eyes and quietly observed me trembling.
At first, his gaze shifted from my face, eyes, tense shoulders, to my hands trembling less than expected.
I couldn’t discern what expression I was wearing.
I just felt dizzy.
“If it bothered you, I apologize.”
I breathed a deep sigh at the not-so-bad response that came after a while.
The edge of my exhale quivered.
“Just in case, let me say this: I don’t dislike you or harbor any resentment towards you. I’ve heard that compared to others, I have dulled senses when it comes to emotions. I don’t consider your misfortune as entertainment, but…”
This serious response was unexpected.
He was right to think of me as a curiosity, but…
I looked at him with surprised eyes.
I hadn’t imagined he would respond so kindly to me.
“As for you, I’ll leave it at that. Let’s keep it as something to ponder.”
He said with a smile, lifting the corners of his mouth.
I heard my heart sink.
Inside the carriage leaving the palace, I pondered throughout.
Everything felt dizzying and confusing.
I knew I wasn’t adept at dealing with people.
But I had engaged in social activities, considering myself better than before.
However, I realized that I still couldn’t properly accept the friendly and personal attention from others or develop deeper relationships with anyone.
Regret flooded over everything.
Every time I mulled over the past, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the position of a noble lady in the duke’s household wasn’t where I belonged.
Leaning against the backrest, I gazed out the window.
The carriage hurriedly made its way towards the duke’s residence through the winding streets of the bustling city.
Passing through the alley where commoners lived, I found myself subconsciously searching with my eyes for places I had lived long ago.
We briefly passed through a neighborhood that was once called home.
There were communal houses made of wood frames and smeared with lime plaster, along with shops.
Crowded stalls and bustling people.
I remembered the smell and the mud puddles I used to splash through in that alley.
Somewhere around there.
Passing under the awning of a shop covered with an oiled cloth, through the alley, my former home appeared.
In the past, I would have found it in an instant.
But now, many things had changed.
The alley had become more complex.
Where I used to walk with sisters who shared my blood or peers, there were now vendors crowding the streets.
It must have been somewhere around there…
I couldn’t remember.
Even if I asked the carriage to stop here, I couldn’t go back now.
Not long ago, but it felt like ages ago, I had returned to the place where I had fled from the duke’s residence.
Back then, I couldn’t bear being unable to eat and being treated with disdain at the duke’s household.
Living in a place where I had no allies was terrible.
Laughing beside the mentally unstable mistress and imitating other children tore me apart inside.
But the family I lived with in the past at least saw me as myself.
So, I sneaked into the carriage disposing of useless bones and entrails in the abattoir within the duke’s household.
Even though the stench of blood and offal made breathing difficult, it didn’t matter.
I jumped off the moving carriage and ran home.
Covering myself with the filth that oozed from blood and entrails was fine.
I was foolishly filled with hope.
I remember how my stepmother, stepfather, sisters, and brothers looked at me as I ran home until my feet were torn to shreds.
Even though they saw my wretched state, my stepmother didn’t even offer me a piece of bread.
That day, my stepfather reported me, and I was caught and returned to the duke’s residence.
It took me a whole day to escape again, but it only took a couple of hours to return.
After that, I escaped from the duke’s residence several more times, but I never went back to that house again.
I closed my eyes quietly.
After all the attempts, I finally gave up and became Evelyn, unable to escape.
The carriage rattled, and the bustling of people gradually diminished.
As we passed through the area where nobles gathered, a quiet area emerged.
Where do I belong?
I asked myself that question.
There was no answer coming back to me.
* * *
“Bang!”
I was so startled that I dropped the cup I was holding.
My hands were trembling.
“W-What… did you just…”
The maid child shrunk back as if she had done something wrong and glanced around nervously in response to my questioning.
Even though it wasn’t the death of my family, I found myself too shaken.
Calm down.
I brushed my hand over my cheek and pushed my hair back.
