Episode 116
It would have been easier if only one painting had fallen, but it was tragic that two had fallen. The two paintings, stuck together, were so damaged that they couldn’t remember their original forms.
Urgently, they tried to peel the paintings apart, but it was too late to undo the damage. The paintings, with their mixed-up paint, resembled each other like decals.
However, Swan was nowhere to be found.
When Lillian confirmed this fact, her legs weakened. Mary, seeing Lillian stagger, hurriedly grabbed her.
“Miss, come here! If you step on the glass—”
“I’m fine, Mary.”
Lillian’s voice remained steady. Despite lying in bed for over a day, she seemed perfectly fine, both in her steps and actions.
However, despite all this, Lillian seemed out of it.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t be begging to be directed toward the broken glass on the floor as if she wanted to fall on it.
“Please, let go. I’m fine. We need to fix the painting quickly. Without it, I won’t remember anymore…”
Swan. My Swan.
There was a time when it felt like you were always by my side, even when I closed or opened my eyes. It felt like you would be there, smiling warmly with mischief in your eyes, whenever I turned my head. There were many days when I couldn’t stand the thought of it.
But now, I just can’t remember your smile anymore.
When did it start? Even with the portrait, or rather, even when the portrait was there, I couldn’t remember your face.
Surely, our memories together, our conversations, even the scent of that day, were vivid, but your face wouldn’t come to mind. It was as if someday, even if you passed by me, I wouldn’t recognize you.
— I really love you, Lily.
— Live happily from now on.
Swan’s voice echoed in her mind like an echo, and Lillian yearned for her childhood. At times, Swan would say difficult things that Lillian couldn’t understand, and when she did, Swan would smile with an expression that didn’t expect understanding.
— Someday, you’ll understand me too.
Swan’s words didn’t miss the mark. Lillian missed her ignorance. She missed being a child who didn’t know anything. She missed the time when Swan knew more than she did, when she couldn’t fathom the depths of the child’s mind.
Now Lillian could understand Swan.
As long as she remembered Swan, as long as she was trapped in that obsession, Lillian couldn’t get close to happiness.
So Swan wanted her to be happy even if it meant erasing herself. Just like in the past when she wished for Lillian’s happiness in exchange for her death.
‘How can you stay the same, Swan?’
How can you not change and still love me so much?
Perhaps the child knew. That the only thing that doesn’t change in the world is death.
The reason why a living person cannot defeat a dead person.
Everything changes, and Lillian couldn’t be free from that. Just as the water in a stream never stops flowing even if you block it, Lillian’s world was not filled with Swan alone at some point.
Quietly, like a drizzle soaking the ground, Lillian’s world had expanded beyond just her and Swan. Despite feeling guilty and turning away, she had not realized it.
“Lillian!”
Called from behind, Lillian turned her head.
Familiar faces were there. Cedric, looking frantic, and behind him, others from Maynard, including Stephan and Nisha.
“Are you alright, Miss? Look at your feet, my goodness…”
“I brought indoor shoes. Your feet must be cold. Put these on first.”
“You scared us by rushing out like that. Come inside quickly.”
The servants took care of Lillian bustlingly, and Cedric stepped forward.
His once rigid face looked somewhat unfamiliar. Lillian bowed her head without saying a word.
Cedric knew everything, so there was nothing she could say even if she were to be kicked out.
But what returned wasn’t a harsh voice.
“I’m glad you woke up, darling.”
Cedric’s arms enveloped Lillian. Lillian had leaned against Cedric several times before, but this was the first time he held her so tightly. Cedric held Lillian with such intensity and urgency. Tremors could be felt in their embraced bodies.
“Really, I’m so relieved…”
Amidst the trembling voice, a sob seeped through. It wasn’t visible on the surface, but it was a very slight tremor that Lillian could feel in Cedric’s embrace. Lillian knew this sensation. It was the same tremor she felt from Cedric when he embraced her on the day she first set foot in Maynard Ducal Palace.
On that day, Cedric must have thought he had found the lost child.
But what about now?
“…Aren’t you angry with me? I deceived you, Duke.”
“…I know.”
“Even though I’m not the duke’s daughter, I pretended to be, and I’ve been living as a shameless noble while holding onto the heirloom of a dead friend. I’m nothing short of a thief. I deceived the duke, deceived everyone. Perhaps I’m worse than a thief. I’ve deceived everyone for over ten years.”
“Yeah.”
Lillian’s voice rose. She even seemed to be expressing anger. It was as if she was asking him to be angry with her because she was such a terrible person.
Cedric quietly listened to her confession. Then, he pulled the child into his arms.
“You must have had a hard time all this time.”
Cedric’s fingertips, brushing through Lillian’s hair, trembled subtly.
“If I had been the kind of parent you could rely on, I could have relieved your burden. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that.”
“Why… why are you apologizing? It’s my fault, why…”
“A child’s fault is ultimately the parent’s fault.”
If he hadn’t been shocked upon reading the letter, it would have been a lie. If he hadn’t felt betrayed, that too would have been a lie.
The letter Lillian left contained only plain facts. Even if it had been Theo who wrote the letter, it couldn’t have been more objective. Thinking of Lillian writing that letter, feelings like betrayal seemed like nothing.
What was going through that child’s mind? How had she been feeling all this time?
The child who never said a word of complaint, what had she felt when she wrote such a letter and left?
Cedric vividly remembered the little child who had come to Maynard Ducal Palace. The desperate expression and the way she held out the pendant as if she could collapse at any moment.
— You said you were my daughter.
— Yes, I’m Lillian.
In that moment when everyone was crying, Lillian wasn’t crying alone. While others overlooked the scene without much thought, Cedric, who held Lillian, remembered that fact vividly.
He couldn’t forget the strange expression on the child’s face, reminiscent of longing.
‘I should have known earlier.’
I should have given the child a chance to speak earlier.
Feeling guilty for not doing so, he couldn’t bear the remorse. Even if Lillian had made a mistake, how could one compare the mistakes of a child and an adult?
Especially when it came to the faults of a parent and a child…
“…I’m sorry for not being a better parent, my dear.”
You’ve been through a lot.
With a sigh that felt like a lament, Lillian’s tears finally burst out. Lillian clung to Cedric and sobbed loudly. It was rare for Lillian, who hardly ever showed tears in front of others, and even silently wept only in front of Theo, to cry openly like this.
“Forgive… forgive me… I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Cedric had given Lillian the separate cottage a long time ago. He no longer had any remnants of the past.
So he hoped that these tears would wash away Lillian’s past as well.
