I continued on to our local junior high.
The jumper-skirt uniform felt oppressive.
Many of my elementary classmates went to the city for education advancement; less than half of them remained, resulting in junior high having combined classes. Therefore, practices like chorus were sung by students from all grades in the school, accompanied by our vice principal.
Though the phrase “all grades in the school” only referred to the 13 of us, I was easily caught lip-syncing instead of actually singing. They asked why I wouldn’t sing, but I didn’t say a word. While I expected them to get angry, they didn’t. It became a routine that, starting from the next practice, I could simply watch.
So, I sat alone at the edge of our music room, observing as they practiced. I might have seemed like a helpless girl, doing nothing but remaining silent, but inside, there was an unspeakable something swirling a storm.
I reluctantly entered Mother’s room when I got home from school. The twilight’s light illuminated the room. Boxes containing unused plates and seasonal electronics piled up on the table. The room had turned into a storage area.
Many years had passed since then. It had to pass.
I played one recording after another from the many recordings in that room. Day after day, after day, I listened intently to keep my emotions in check.
But one day, I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. As soon as I got home, I went to Mother’s room and sat in front of her keyboard. I quickly opened my report paper and began to write rapidly with my pen, pouring out all the unexplainable emotions in my chest. I felt like I would choke if I didn’t release them. I flipped through pages, writing single-mindedly.
“Why did Mother leave me for the river? Why did she choose to save a girl’s life, even though she didn’t know her name, over living with me? Why am I alone? Why, why, why?”
I added more paper, supplied with post-its, and wrote a long, long lyric. I recorded long, soaring scales of music. I discarded anything that didn’t fit into these categories as art. There were various types of swirls. Swirls like those on a river surface, swirls like a black hole devouring everything, swirls resembling a chasm carved into my head.
The room’s floor became littered with paper pieces containing lyrics, pictures, and music scores.
But out of nowhere,
“…….!”
I snapped back to my senses, my pen’s flow halting. Just now, I realized the worthlessness, meaninglessness, and detestation of these words, sketches, and notes. How inexhaustible they were.
“What am I doing?” I wondered from the depths of my heart.
I tore the paper into shreds. I threw away everything I had just written without hesitation into an old steel trash can. The bundle of paper looked like vomit I had just expelled.
I became a high-schooler.
I finally felt as if I were worthless. My uniform’s necktie was suffocating me at last. I headed to school, shamefully casting my eyes down on the underwater bridge.
I enrolled in a combined junior and high school in the city center after passing an entrance exam. There, I reunited with my childhood friend, Shinobu-kun.
“Suzu.”
“Shinobu-kun…”
Comparing then and now, from our elementary days to high school, Shinobu-kun had changed in every way, tall and radiating brightness. On the other hand, I felt like I hadn’t grown at all since those days, which was incredibly embarrassing. I couldn’t hold a decent conversation.
What had I been doing all this time?
Even though I had started a new life by moving from the mountains to a city school, I couldn’t seem to focus. Despite the effort it took to pass the entrance exam and join this school, I would often find myself gazing out the window during class. I knew I couldn’t stay like this.
I hadn’t joined any club activities, which was quite unusual – a minority.
On my way home, I would see other students wholeheartedly devoted to their activities. The track and field club members were leaping over training hurdles in the courtyard. Brass band percussionists were drumming away in the hallway, metronomes in their ears. The halberd club students knelt with their soles on the floor, backs straight, exchanging greetings before practice. The first-year baseball players, still without back numbers, lined up neatly as they watched their seniors’ game.
As for me, not being a part of any group, I would quickly exit the school.
Winter had already set in.
There was a river called the “Mirror River” running east to west through the heart of the city. With its mostly calm flow, it mirrored the television tower and buildings on the other side like a looking glass. As I walked along the path next to this river on my way home, I heard a cheerful exclamation:
“Yee-ha haha!”
Girls from the light music club, carrying instrument cases on their backs, passed by with light, carefree steps. The cute cat-shaped plush on their school bags swayed. In contrast, what I had on my school bag was Bear Patiently’s cheap plastic plate. “Bear Patiently” was a bear-like character, supposedly bearing patiently with its paws against the wall. Perhaps it had borne too much, as its head was cracked. It certainly wasn’t cute.
In a dim, narrow corridor…
“I can’t! Hey!”
I resisted, but…
“Come on.”
I was pulled into the room. Behind me, the soundproof door slammed shut with a thud.
“Ah!”
It was a gaudy room in a karaoke box, with pink and purple lights spinning dubiously. The scent of incense lingered. I had heard it was a girls-only gathering from our class, but seeing girls enthusiastically spinning their heads while standing on the couch made me think, “I can’t just join in on this.”
“Peggysue is so cute.”
“This is what’s popular in ‘U,’ right?”
On the wall-mounted monitor screen, “U’s” popular artist, known as “Peggysue,” was projected, singing in a black rubber dress. An eccentric and beautiful woman swayed her silver hair, wearing purple lipstick and crimson red eyes.
Peggysue? “U”? Popular? I didn’t know any of them. It felt like an incident from another world.
Then, suddenly, I was handed a microphone, as if being told to sing.
“Huh?”
I was perplexed. I hadn’t even taken off my coat or scarf. Nevertheless,
“Here,”
Once again, the microphone was pointed at me. Why were they handing it to a girl like me who usually stayed in the classroom corner?
“Let’s sing together, hey?”
“Go on, sing.”
Shadows of girls thrust numerous microphones at me. What was happening?
“You’re not going to be the only one who doesn’t sing, are you?”
“It’s a lie that you can’t sing, right?”
So, that was it.
Dozens of microphones were pushed in my direction.
“Uh… Uh-uh…”
Ouch, stop, I wanted to say, but my words wouldn’t take shape.
“Sing.”
“Let’s sing, okay?”
“Hey, sing.”
These voices began to carry a hint of threat.
“I’m telling you to sing.”
“Sing!”
“SING!”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah..!!
I couldn’t help but raise my voice.
Suddenly, the microphone slipped from my grasp, crashing to the floor. Girls who had been dancing on the couch noticed and turned to look at me. All of them were bewildered and silent.
“What’s wrong, Suzu-chan?”
Those microphones and the shadows of those girls vanished like an illusion.
“No… nothing. Sorry, I can’t…” I hastily exited the room, forcefully opening the Karaoke Box’s door before I could finish.
Maybe someone had heard that I couldn’t sing and spread the word.
Powdery snow was falling when I got off the bus. I almost slipped as I descended the slope from the bus station. Even in Kochi, perhaps not in the cities, but in the depths of the mountains, snowfall was common.
The sound of thin ice breaking echoed as I walked across the underwater bridge. The surface of the concrete bridge was frozen.
I felt cold.
I wasn’t adept at adjusting myself to others and couldn’t make a clean break either. Yet, I wasn’t strong enough to be alone; I lacked the preparedness and a philosophical perspective.
Hey, I didn’t do as I pleased. The rumor that I couldn’t sing was false. It’s just that I lacked confidence, a feeling that had persisted since I was little. I wanted to get along with you guys. It was true. I knew. Of course, I knew. That’s why…
“A… a….”
Impulsively, I let my voice out in the middle of the bridge.
“Aaaa….a….aaaaaa.”
Cold air pierced my throat as I inhaled. But even so, I sang to the river.
“A… a… aAAAAAA….A.”
I sang?
It wasn’t quite a song; it was more like a moan.
My bag slipped off my shoulder.
If I sang, would they forgive me? Would I be able to get along with them? Singing here, alone, wouldn’t change anything. It felt like a cry of desperation, right before being crushed.
Nevertheless,
I sang the song I used to sing with my mother, pouring out my voice. Back then, I was happy. Now, it was different. Powdered snow swirled with the river’s currents.
Everything in front of my eyes abruptly turned black. The urge to vomit surged from the depths of my stomach, and I instinctively covered my mouth.
“Argh…”
I knelt down on my knees, but I couldn’t contain the force of the gastric juices. I vomited, leaning forward over the clear stream. Drops of vomit dripped onto the water’s surface, creating multiple ripples.
My hair was disheveled, and my mouth reeked of vomit. It was all too overwhelming. I wished everything could just vanish. Trembling, I cried and groaned. Tears rolled down my cold cheeks, stinging painfully.
I wished I could just disappear…
The faint sound of powdered snow gently piling up beside me was interrupted by a soft “Bzzzz,” indicating a notification on my phone that had slipped out of my bag.
It was a message from Hiro-chan.
“Take a look at this, Suzu. It’s so awesome, you’re going to laugh.”
There was a link to somewhere in the message.
