Edited

31. My Funeral (2)

“It can be fatal for a pregnant woman. There’s a risk of a miscarriage.”

If you kill the child, you can survive.

Her sharp gaze seemed to say that.

“What… are you saying, Suren? You shouldn’t say such things. Let’s pretend I didn’t hear it.”

Suren urgently grabbed me as I turned away.

“If it’s too difficult, I’ll take the blame. Young Lady couldn’t sleep, so she took sleeping pills with wine. Elizabeth made a mistake in taking them. All Young Lady needs to do is say that.”

My body stiffened. I couldn’t move.

“Yes, I asked for sleeping pills. Please just say that.”

“Absolutely not, under no circumstances. And even if you do… we’ll definitely get caught.”

“It was Young Lady who graciously welcomed Lady Elizabeth and invited her to the mansion. Who would suspect Young Lady? No one will. And lately, you haven’t been feeling well, right? The people working in the mansion all know. A prescription for sleeping pills might not seem unusual.”

I sank down onto the bed. The old bed caved in.

“Why? Why are you doing this for me?”

Why are you going to such lengths for me?

The words I couldn’t say hung in my throat. Suren spoke as if she understood everything.

“If you intend to stay by the Duke’s side, brace yourself. Do you know how much danger lurks within the palace? It’s the nature of nobles to eliminate even unborn children. The reason why the heirs of high-ranking nobles are at such a high risk is because of that. Do you think the royal tableware is all made of silver for no reason? In comparison, Lady Leonie is too withdrawn to withstand the aristocratic society.”

Her words were correct. Perhaps, for a Countess, this was the safest place.

A place where no one paid attention to the child, where no harm would come to them. That’s why they wouldn’t be suspicious of meals or outsiders.

Once I leave here, I won’t even be able to attempt it.

I had to make a quick decision, just as she said.

The child was to grow up on the Count’s estate and would be handed over to the Duke around the age of three.

So, at least I had two more years to prepare to escape.

But the moment the cradle was set up and the child was born, the Duke would realize. He would know that new blood had come into the world.

The original plan had gone awry. It was because I brought her into the Duke’s castle.

The time for the Duke to find out about the existence of the future heir was now shorter, and my death was hastened.

By my own hand. I saved the child and ended myself.

* * *

“There’s no major issue. Your lack of energy is due to a nutritional deficiency. Aside from a slight anemia from periodic bloodletting, you’re fine.”

The doctor removed the stethoscope. Suren had insisted on calling the doctor. It was only natural that the Duke would be informed of her health condition if a doctor was summoned.

Deon stood behind the doctor, his fists clenched, his gaze fixed on me as I received the examination.

“Sure about this?”

He peered intently at my wrist, then asked the doctor.

“What… do you mean?”

The elderly doctor broke into a nervous sweat at Deon’s words.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”

“Even healthy women suffer from anemia. It’s not a serious illness… I’ll instruct the chef to specially adjust your diet. With food that replenishes your strength, you’ll recover quickly.”

“What about the wounds on her arms?”

“As Lady mentioned, vein injuries are nothing serious either. They’ll heal quickly with treatment, and we’ll manage them to prevent any scars.”

The doctor took a prescription from his medical bag. Unfortunately, he was sweating profusely in this cold winter.

“But why? Lately, you never seem to leave the house at all. Doctor, we should consider a more thorough examination.”

While speaking to the doctor, his gaze was squarely on me.

“Yes? What do you mean?”

“I think she might have been traumatized when Leonie was kidnapped. Is there any way to treat the trauma?”

“Trauma?”

He pondered the Duke’s words for a moment and then corrected himself.

“Trauma is not something that can be resolved with medication. It involves following a proper exercise routine, maintaining recommended sleep hours, and eliminating objects that trigger trauma.”

“That’s enough.”

I interrupted the doctor’s words sharply. What was he saying?

Discussing trauma in front of the person involved. It was absurd.

“It would be best if you received a medical examination.”

“It’s useless, so stop it.”

“Why are you being so stubborn?”

It was a futile endeavor. My trauma was not in the past; it was in the future.

“I would appreciate it if you both left. I’m tired and want to rest.”

“Leave.”

Deon gestured to the doctor, still staring at me.

“Both of you.”

Deon, who had raised his hand as if to touch my forehead, stopped.

“My Lord, I suggest you leave.”

“Leonie.”

The doctor, who had been glancing back and forth between Deon and me, hastily gathered his medical tools and rushed out as if sweeping the room clean.

I felt suffocated. In the silence, the sound of the door closing resonated loudly.

“My trauma is partly the Duke’s fault, you know.”

I said it harshly, and he visibly flinched.

Of course, he must have been recalling my past when I was kidnapped by the second Prince, not foreseeing harm in my future.

The wolf, the second Prince, the slave trader.

There were many threatening figures in my life, but none of them were as frightening as the future.

We were always looking in different directions.

* * *

Today, the estate was no different from usual.

The weather was still cold, and snow fell from the sky. The dry branches swayed in the sharp wind.

A moderately cold day. Servants going about their business as usual.

Yes, it was no different from usual.

Except for the occasional sound of a heartbeat echoing within the castle.

It was remarkable how no one else could feel it, even as I stomped around so loudly.

With such a loud pounding, you could even sense Lady Elizabeth’s movements within the castle.

‘Just now, you were taking a walk in the garden, and now you’re reading a book in the library. You had tea time at four.’

The rough, pounding sound resonated, feeling like an approaching drumbeat.

Well, there’s probably no need to hide it now.

Hiding one’s presence is a survival instinct, like how herbivores hide from carnivores. Did I really need to hide when I was clearly the weaker one?

Perhaps back then, in the small shack, the lack of fetal movement wasn’t a sign of the baby’s vulnerability, but rather my desperate attempt to avoid being discovered.

If I had sensed her presence, I might not have brought Lady Elizabeth here.

Maybe she endured each day waiting for her family in that open field.

If luck had been against her, the child might not have been born at all.

As I continued to dwell on various hypotheses about the unborn child, I felt guilty for having such emotions towards a young fetus. My mind was in turmoil.

The chilly evening air brushed against my cheeks.

Instead of clearing my mind, the colder the air, the more it seemed to numb me. My head felt frozen stiff.

Even in the relatively peaceful estate, the atmosphere around the graveyard was icy.

I sat down in front of the grave, staring blankly at the round tombstone, and then I used both hands to dig into the soil.

My fingertips grew numb and turned red.

I couldn’t feel anything in the cold, but I kept digging.

Suddenly.

Something caught in my fingertips.

It was a piece of a hiking pole that I had partially dug into the ground.

The stick and the shoes buried under the snow remained frozen in their original shape.

The stick was firmly frozen between layers of snow, refusing to fall.

‘I need to melt it a bit and take it with me.’

I brushed the snow off my hands.

I didn’t bring any candles. My hands were frozen, and a stinging pain shot through to the fingertips.

I had no choice but to melt it with my body heat.

I lay still on top of the grave with my back turned.

The sky was clear. Grayish clouds drifted across the sky, and it seemed like it could start snowing at any moment.

The scenery when it snows is truly romantic.

A tragic romance bestowed upon someone facing death.

I closed my eyes.

In the end, the day would come when I would dig up this grave.

Whether I retrieve the items and escape the estate or whether I die and get buried here. I hadn’t thought it would come so soon.

I was too complacent.

As I lay there with my eyes closed, I heard the sound of snow piling up gently.

After lying like that for a while, an urgent voice echoed from above.

“Leonie, get up!”

I opened my eyes.

Deon was looking down at me.

‘Weren’t you looking at household affairs?’

The Duke reached out to help me up but stopped abruptly.

This was bad. I hadn’t covered the snow on top of the grave yet.

Behind me were the items I would use when I fled, piled up.

If I got up now, I would reveal the hidden items buried under the hole.

I let go of his hand and adjusted my clothing.

I spread the robe wide to create a screen behind me. It was a desperate attempt to hide, but his gaze narrowed at my actions.

Once again, lying down, he asked, “Where does it hurt?”

A white snowflake fell on my forehead.

He wiped the tears that had pooled in my eyes.

“I’ll go in a little while. You go first.”

“No, come with me.”

Without hesitation, he sat down next to me.

He untied the leather fur he had draped over his shoulders and covered me with it. The warmth that had been kept inside was comforting.

“You haven’t been feeling well since yesterday.”

Whether it was Suren or me, when I stopped walking around the mansion, everyone looked at me strangely.

“My health has never been good.”

I responded to his words as usual.

“…If you want something to eat, you can order it from the chef.”

“Isn’t that something you should ask Lady Arina for? With a child, you must have many things you want to eat.”

I let out a dry laugh. I expected him to laugh along, but he didn’t.

With a serious expression, he looked at me intensely and spoke.

“I thought that a girl of your age might find a place to attach her heart to… Was I wrong?”

He thought about something carefully and then spoke.

“Do you like flowers?”

“Well…”

“How about jewelry?”

“Not really…”

“Clothes?”

“No.”

I looked into the distance, my gaze fixed on the snow-covered mountain. The mountain was shrouded in mist.

“Have you ever crossed that mountain, Your Grace?”

I had heard that there was a shortcut to the village beyond the mountain.

He followed my gaze beyond the mountain and nodded.

“Once, a long time ago. Do you want to cross the mountain?”

“…Not right now.”

“Then when?”

“Just next…”

I was about to say “next time,” but I bit my lip.

There was no “next time” between Deon and me. I was bound here, forever bound by a contract.

Our relationship was divided between my life’s beginning and end.

To die or to kill.

Even that couldn’t be done alone.

I was forever “we” with the Duke.

I couldn’t be separated forever. I was his flaw and his escape.

To say I couldn’t be separated was perhaps a romantic phrase to some, but for me, who had a predetermined lifespan, it was a cruel punishment.

I bit my lip.