I’ve seen Hawk sleep a lot and act lazily. But even after being scolded, he shamelessly napped on the straw where the horses needed to eat. He slept after lunch, and he slept after dinner. Hawk was a lazy servant who slept twice a day.
I found Hawk’s shameless behavior amusing. Although I promised not to talk to him and could only watch from afar.
“Hawk must be taking a nap right now.”
I took Desi and Hawk went to the stables. He probably won’t feed the horses and will take a nap after sighing when he wakes up. The hungry horses would be sticking their heads out and shaking them vigorously in the direction of the stable corridor.
The stable master might come to monitor Hawk, so I had to go before it was too late. I felt it was the only opportunity to give Desi freedom.
“Wait! I’ll be right back.”
“…Be careful.”
I dashed out of the basement toward the annex. I almost stumbled several times because of the fluttering skirt. I didn’t understand why the maids kept dressing me in these fluttering skirts.
When I arrived at the stables, sure enough, Hawk was napping on the straw as I expected. The angry horses, who missed their feeding time, were sticking their heads out and kicking their legs in the direction of the stable corridor.
I stealthily approached where Hawk was. They say stealing from someone who’s this unsuspecting is called pickpocketing. Am I pickpocketing now? I became a pickpocket in just one day on top of being a thief. It was remarkable and cool.
Hawk seemed to be sleeping deeper than usual, perhaps exhausted from fighting with Desi in the morning. Even when I got close, he only snored loudly.
With trembling hands, I reached into Hawk’s left hip. As soon as I took out the bundle of keys, Hawk muttered in his sleep and tossed and turned. I quickly hugged the bundle of keys to my chest and hid my body in the straw.
That’s when it happened.
“Is this brat napping again?!”
The angry voice of the stable master rang out. He struck Hawk’s forehead with his ever-present cane. With a loud smack like his head was cracking, Hawk jolted awake.
“Mom!!”
Hawk had a habit of calling for his mother whenever he was startled. If someone heard, they might think his mother had passed away, but Hawk’s mother was alive and well. She worried about her unmarried son.
It seems the stable master was determined today as he swung his arms vigorously. The matured stable master with his white hair was powerful despite his age.
He was as muscular as any young man. Although he became the stable master for being the most loyal to the Alvard mansion, the stable boys nodded in agreement when it was said that he became the stable master by eliminating all competitors with force. He spoke in a refined manner like a nobleman in front of his father, but in front of the stable boys, he was unrivaled.
And I knew the side of the stable master that my father didn’t. Once, I enjoyed the secret hobby of hiding around the mansion and watching people. But now I was too busy with Desi to do that.
Hawk, who had a strong feeling that he would be scolded severely, started bowing his head to the ground. I hid deep in the straw. If Hawk caught me, I could handle it with my eloquence, but if the stable master caught me, it would be troublesome.
The stable master was very worried about me wandering around the mansion. Every time I played energetically, he recited the behavior and dignity of a noble lady. He even threatened to inform my mother or etiquette teacher if I were caught wandering around the mansion again.
Wandering around my own home was considered improper behavior! I felt very upset, but I nodded quietly because I didn’t want to be scolded by my mother. The dignified manner of the noble lady that the stable master spoke of matched my mother’s appearance and demeanor.
I watched from hiding as the stable master kicked Hawk and cursed at him rudely. He called him a glutton, a lazy bum, and a pig. All kinds of insults poured out.
The stable master vented his anger, and then left, and Hawk didn’t get up until the stable master was out of sight. After the stable master left, Hawk got up reluctantly and spat on the ground.
“Old man, still got strength.”
Hawk was so shameless that he didn’t listen to what others said at all. No matter how much he was cursed at, if he turned his back and flicked his ear once, he completely forgot it. So, the verbal abuse from the stable master had little effect on Hawk.
To feed the horses, Hawk plunged a pitchfork deep into the straw. I, who was hiding in the straw, almost got stabbed by the pitchfork and jumped up from my seat.
“Mom!”
Seeing me emerge from the straw, Hawk was greatly startled and fell backward. Once again, he called for his mother.
“Oh, Miss! What are you doing there?”
I skillfully lied as I removed the straw stuck to my head.
“I was looking for something.”
“Inside the straw?”
“Yeah, I thought it might be here since I couldn’t find it anywhere else.”
“What exactly are you looking for?”
“A small ball.”
“A ball?”
“Yeah. But it seems like it’s not here.”
Hawk looked suspicious, but I didn’t change my expression and replied.
“By the way, did Miss have a ball?”
“Do I have a ball or not? What does that have to do with Hawk? By the way, it’s been a long time since I had such a long conversation with Hawk. Can I be friends with Hawk again?”
Hawk and I had not exchanged a word since we talked around last fall. At my words, Hawk turned contemplative and quickly turned his body.
“Oh! Quickly find the ball and return to the mansion. I haven’t seen Miss. Miss has never been to the stable.”
Not only did he not talk to me, but he also covered his eyes with both hands as if he wouldn’t even look. If it were before, I would have felt gloomy and frustrated, but not anymore. I wanted to leave this place as soon as possible too.
“Well then, get to work, Hawk. I’ve never been here as you said.”
I briskly walked out of the stable. With each step, there was a jingling sound from the key bundle tucked in my pocket.
Although I wanted to go straight to the cellar after successfully stealing the key bundle, I returned to my room. It was time for etiquette lessons.
The fact that I could roam around the mansion like this was all thanks to not getting caught. If my etiquette teacher or mother found out that I was wandering around the mansion, I might have been confined to my room from that day on.
Mother only wandered in a few places in the house. The second-floor room, the parlor, the dining room, and the garden where I could stroll were the only places Mother could go. She freaked out even more when she went to places other than those, as if something dirty was moving. She especially hated places like the stable smelling of horse dung or the kitchen smelling of food.
She also disliked the servants’ quarters and the attic, which I used to like in my childhood. After realizing that I had been playing in the attic and spreading dust, she had all the attics cleaned. If she found out that I was wandering around like this, she might have ordered my room to be cleaned as well.
“What dreadful smell is this?!”
As soon as the etiquette teacher saw me, she yelled with a torn voice. I awkwardly sniffed my body odor. It seemed like the smell of horse dung was lingering because I had been in the stable.
The etiquette teacher insisted that noble ladies should always emit a fragrant scent and sprayed perfume on me. It was a perfume even more foul than the smell of horse dung. It was a perfume so strong that it made my head hurt. It was very torturous to be locked in a room smelling like this and attend class.
After class, it was time for dinner when the sun began to set.
Today, Father and Mother were attending a banquet, so it was said that we didn’t have to have a family meal. Although we were supposed to have a family meal around the large dining table every evening, there were often days when family meals were canceled due to Father’s schedule. I called such days the evening of freedom. It was a delightful evening where I wanted to spread my arms wide and shout because I wasn’t tied to a stiff chair for two hours.
Father always recited a prayer before meals, advised his elder brother, and boasted about how magnificent and dignified our household was. Then, he would ask his elder brother how the Alvard family could enjoy greater prosperity in the future. His elder brother would give a modest answer, such as raising taxes, reducing taxes sent to the royal family, or cultivating land other than farmland.
Then, Father would click his tongue as if dissatisfied and say, “Let’s eat.” Then the mealtime would begin. All of this took an hour. I was so bored with these repetitive tasks that I felt like I was breaking out in hives.
Ellie brought the evening meal on a tray. She set the tray on the table and looked at my forearm.
“You seem thinner these days. Looks good on you. But you have to finish your meal. What are you doing without eating quickly? You have to eat a lot to be healthy. Of course, noble gentlemen like a delicate noble lady, but being healthy is still the best.”
Ellie often said strange things. She would scold me for nibbling on food, saying I should eat well for good health, but if I gained weight, she’d act like the world was ending. It’s good to appear delicate, but being healthy on the inside is the best. Eating a lot is good, but gaining weight is not. Ellie always said contradictory things, and she seemed unaware that it was strange.
“I finished everything.”
“You’re only going to eat this? Quickly, eat more. Or should I bring some cookies? You know it’s not good for your body to eat cookies at night, right?”
“Yeah, bring me some cookies.”
“I really can’t stop you, Miss.”
Although she said cookies weren’t good for the body, Ellie always brought them anyway, as if she couldn’t help it. Then she would watch me eat the cookies with a loving gaze, saying that children couldn’t help but love sweet things. I thought Ellie’s words were strange, but I liked the way she looked at me.
When I was sick, had nightmares, or was scolded by Father, I remembered Ellie’s gaze. I couldn’t explain the expression with words. It was just a very warm feeling. It sparkled like sunlight reflected on a calm lake, warm like a rich goose feather, and subtly fragrant like wildflowers.
When I was young, I always wanted to stay by Ellie’s side. On dark nights, I used to cry out her name. But Ellie was always too busy to stay by my side.
Ellie had four children and an elderly mother at home. On the day she tried to hold Ellie back from going home, Ellie shed tears, saying she was worried about her family left at home. She said her youngest daughter was suffering from measles. “Please don’t do this, Miss. You can sleep alone. ” Then Ellie pushed me away harshly. To make sure Ellie didn’t hate me, I had to practice sleeping alone.
Since then, I knew that Ellie liked me the most, but I had to keep in mind that Ellie didn’t like me the most. After eating a few cookies brought by Ellie, I waved to her.
“Can I go now?”
“It’s still far from quitting time.”
“But Father’s not here, so… I’m going to bed early.”
Ellie was very busy. She had to take care of her family at home and chat with other maids. So she didn’t have enough time to take care of me. Of course, thanks to that, I could roam the mansion alone.
Ellie smiled brightly and said, “Please sleep well today,” and left the room.
I was left alone in the spacious room. When I sat alone in the room, I felt suffocated several times because of the overwhelming anxiety. I would struggle to breathe with my breath caught in my throat. I shivered, unable to make a sound, because I couldn’t even call the maids.
Loneliness was the same. I wanted to rush out and grab anyone and cry out loud because I was so lonely. But I didn’t.
I didn’t want to trouble Ellie. If I felt anxious or lonely, Ellie would always have to stay by my side. Then Ellie would look at me with a dark face. In fact, everyone in this mansion was the same. Everyone wanted to give me and care for me, but they had a lot to do. I was a burden to them.
If I cried, screamed, or got angry, I knew I could make them do what I wanted. But I didn’t. Because I saw everyone being scolded by Father, Mother, or the steward no matter what.
I felt hurt and sad when anyone cried, got scolded, or hurt. My sister said I tended to empathize a little too much with others’ pain. My sister taught me that no one empathized with others’ pain as much as I did. I was a strange kid.
My sister brushed my hair and said, “No one told you to be a good kid, so why did you become one?” with a worried expression. She insisted that good people were often taken advantage of, so I had to be smart. Following my sister’s words, I read many books, cultivated curiosity, and tried to become smarter. But it was always painful to empathize with others’ pain.
Alone in the empty room, I sat for a while, then quietly slipped out. Though it was my room, after sunset, it often felt unfamiliar and eerie due to the darkness. I escaped from the strange and dark room and descended into the basement where lanterns flickered.
“Desi!”
