Father beat Desi very harshly that day too. It was more severe than when he beat the servants, mother, sister, or brothers.
After beating him for a long time, Father tied Desi with iron chains. And he said not to give him any food. He said Desi needed to be tamed by not feeding him after he was beaten.
Desi’s swollen red areas where he was beaten. He started to feel feverish after the beating, breathing heavily. The damp smell filled the basement.
“Grr… Grr…”
Desi couldn’t regain consciousness, only letting out rough groans. Blood oozed out, staining his tattered clothes. Watching Desi suffer, I felt strange. My chest ached, tears welled up. It was worrying and heartbreaking, but I couldn’t help, so I just paced back and forth.
I sometimes felt a strange feeling when I didn’t understand adults.
When I found a butterfly with torn wings, saw a stray dog limping, saw a cat with injured eyes, or watched a horse being whipped. My heart felt uneasy.
My heart fluttered, tears flowed, and groans escaped involuntarily. Their pain reached me.
Father, the maid, and the servants didn’t bat an eye. Only my sister understood my feelings. My sister said I felt that way because I was still young and my heart was soft. As you grow older, your heart hardens like steel, and you stop feeling sympathy.
Joy, compassion, benevolence, warmth, affection, friendship fade away, and selfishness, greed, desire, and anger arise. Because selfishness and greed are more helpful in living in this world than sympathy or affection, she said.
I tried to emulate my sister and strengthen my heart, but it seemed I was far from becoming an adult. Eventually, I couldn’t bear the pitiful emotion and spoke to Desi.
“Are you okay? Does it hurt a lot?”
I spoke to Desi and held my breath in surprise for five seconds. But everything around me remained silent.
Until now, I had only watched Desi or brought him food, never thinking to speak to him. I was afraid that if I spoke to Desi, Father would come running with a scary face and scold me. Father’s face yelling not to approach or speak to the beast was stuck in my mind, making me more hesitant.
But nothing happened when I spoke to Desi.
The maids warned to be careful of Desi, not to approach him, so I thought the world would collapse if I spoke to Desi.
I was amazed at how quiet it was around me.
If Father said so, I always followed his words. If Mother said so, I always followed her words. Otherwise, I thought I would be severely punished. After my sister met a man Father told her not to see, got her head shaved, and was beaten to a pulp, I thought I should listen more to what she said. At that time, my sister cried bitterly and said she wanted to die, so I was very sad and painful too.
Anyway, when I defied Father’s words, nothing happened. It wasn’t like my sister, and my head wasn’t shaved. It was a really great discovery. Sneakily, as long as I didn’t get caught, I could defy Father. A mischief whispered deep in my heart.
Desi stared at me with his yellow eyes. Although he stared at me, his expression wasn’t as fierce as on the first day. Even the fact that Desi stopped growling was a significant change.
“Can you not speak?”
I’ve seen Desi scream or scream in agony. But I’ve never seen him speak human words.
So instead of waiting for Desi’s response, I reached into my skirt pocket. As I did, Desi jerked his body and opened his eyes wide.
I pulled out the bread I had tucked in my underwear. Then Desi’s eyes twinkled as if surprised. It seemed like Desi already knew it was me who left the bread while he was asleep.
“Are you hungry? Do you want some bread?”
To give the bread to the tightly bound Desi, I had to get closer to him. I cautiously approached, fearing he might bite me. It was the first time I had approached Desi while he was awake, so his fur stood on end.
Desi watched me approaching carefully. He seemed to be targeting prey and at the same time easing his guard. Such reactions only made me more nervous.
Should I get closer? What if I get hurt? Such thoughts filled my mind. It felt like I could hear the warning voice to be careful, but I held my breath and eventually took one more step towards Desi.
I was so tense that cold sweat dripped even on a winter day. Fortunately, Desi didn’t lunge at me. After sniffing the bread scent in my hand, he swallowed it hungrily.
Watching Desi eat the bread, I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought to myself, “I’m lucky he didn’t bite me.” One side of my cheek suddenly felt hot with the bread gone in an instant.
I spoke to Desi, approached him, and even gave him food. Today, I refused Father’s words three times. It was truly a remarkable day.
As the tension eased, I was filled with a sense of victory.
“Wait. I’ll steal some more for you. Got it?”
“…”
“Oh, and my name is Cellinia. My family just calls me Celie. You can call me Celie too.”
I noticed jewel-like eyes shining brightly between Desi’s thick hair. Desi suddenly looked at me with gentle eyes.
I was momentarily stunned by Desi’s gaze. And I felt a surge of determination not to disappoint those flickering and loyal yellow eyes.
Desi wasn’t a scary creature, nor was he a dangerous beast, as the maids said. They were just scaredy-cats. They didn’t talk to Desi and ran away. Because I was a brave child, I could see the true nature of Desi.
I felt so proud of my bravery and discovery. As much as my courage felt remarkable, Desi felt special too.
“Oh, right! My visit here is our secret. Got it? Don’t tell anyone.”
Even though I knew Desi couldn’t speak, I kept talking to him. Even if there was no response. I just wanted to. Desi was a special child only I knew.
So the next day, and the day after that, I headed to the dark basement.
As I was usually quiet, I didn’t cause any trouble even when the maids weren’t by my side all day. I had never caused any problems even when left alone for hours.
A child who doesn’t cause trouble even when left alone tends to become a being outside of adults’ attention.
As the maids left one by one to do their own tasks, I cautiously left the room and headed to the basement.
The basement, where the sun hadn’t reached, smelled musty. Only a few flickering torches illuminated the basement. Cobwebs hung everywhere, and dust rolled in the corners. It was dirty and gloomy, making it even better. It felt like a thrilling and secretive adventure.
“Desi, Desi.”
Clang, clang—
When I called Desi quietly, I heard the sound of the iron grille clashing. It was Desi’s sound of welcoming me.
Desi still couldn’t speak. However, he didn’t growl or make any sound like he used to, remaining vigilant as ever.
I stood in front of Desi, lifted my skirt, and rummaged through my underwear. Then, I quickly retrieved the bread hidden inside. Desi always seemed a little awkward on days like this.
“Here, eat, Desi.”
And as time passed, I could witness even more miraculous sights. What the maids said was true. Desi grew rapidly as he ate. His body seemed to swell each passing day. The wounds that once covered his body were healing quickly.
It was so fascinating that I found myself visiting the basement several times a day lately. I felt a burning desire to feed Desi more and make him healthy. Desi, who was barely the size of my pinky finger just a while ago, now seemed to have grown another hand.
“Desi grows really fast.”
I’ll be thirteen in a few days. My sister promised to take me to the capital when I turn fourteen, but since I’m only turning thirteen, I had to stay locked up in this boring house. If only I were as tall as Desi, I could insist I’m fourteen. It was frustrating being short.
“Does it taste good, Desi?”
Desi didn’t even bother to acknowledge me and just gobbled up the bread I stole.
I know Desi can’t speak. But he could at least pretend to respond. Desi ignoring me was a little irritating, but what could I do? I had to endure it. They said the person who is disappointed is the one who endures in such situations.
If I were to resent Desi and he told me not to come here anymore, I would be really depressed. I couldn’t go back to the times when Desi growled at anyone but me. Then I wouldn’t be able to have these adventures, and I’d have to spend my days bored like before.
To continue these tense challenges, I had to impress Desi.
“Desi, what should I bring next time? Is there something you want to eat? But no meat. My underwear will get wet. And if blood flows from undercooked meat, it could be a big problem. How would I handle it if you thought I had menstruated?”
“Of course, soup is also a no-go. Then I might be scolded for peeing in broad daylight. It would be so embarrassing.”
After finishing the bread, Desi turned away as if he didn’t want to hear my words. I kept blabbering while staring at Desi’s back.
Even though he pretended not to listen, his ears perked up like a puppy’s every time I spoke, so I knew he heard everything I said.
“I get it. You really want meat, huh? Stealing meat is a tough job. Even if I want to eat a lot, I can only eat as much as the size of my palm. My father eats meat the size of my face, though.”
I stretched out my palm.
“See this? My palm is this big. I can only eat this much.”
Desi briefly turned his head to look at my hand, then quickly turned it back.
“This is a really dangerous challenge. But I’ll try it.”
I stood up, dusted off my bottom.
“I’ll come back tonight. Look forward to it. I’m a kid who always keeps my promises.”
I hoped Desi would think highly of me. So, I straightened my shoulders and boasted unnecessarily.
I dashed up the basement stairs. Although I could hear the loud clanking of the iron grating behind me, I didn’t stop.
My urge for challenge was growing each day, so no one could stop me except for my parents. If it wasn’t my father or mother, no one could stop me.
During dinner time, I ate soup for a very long time. Even when meat was served, I endured it.
Since my father didn’t care how I ate or what I did, eating slowly was not a problem. As long as I kept my place during mealtime, I didn’t provoke my father’s temper.
I was like a candlestick decoration that had to be in its place during that time.
My mother always had to sit next to my father, and my older brother had to sit on the right. And my younger brother shouldn’t sit at this dining table. That’s been the rule for a long time.
My younger brother was noisy when chewing, and my father couldn’t stand the sound. I’ve heard my father threw a fork at him once when he made that noise while eating.
And my sister should sit next to me, but that seat was currently empty. My father had been annoyed by that vacancy for almost two months. No matter how much I explained, he always got angry about why that seat was empty.
But now, after a year has passed, he’s calmed down a bit. He still grumbled a bit while looking at the vacant seat, but that’s all.
I was just like a marionette, not chewing anything, just moving my mouth. That was enough. As long as I sat here pretending to eat, nothing would go wrong.
Until my father finished his meal and got up from his seat. I was pretending to chew diligently until then.
“What are you doing?”
After my father left, my older brother looked at me strangely and asked.
“Pretending to eat.”
“Then why are you sitting there like an idiot?”
Everyone acted like idiots during mealtime anyway.
I didn’t quite understand what my older brother said. He, who acted like that, was sitting quietly without eating anything while my father was sitting there, as if he was protesting silently.
As I listened to my older brother’s words with my ears and just mumbled with my mouth, he quickly lost interest in me, as usual.
Only then did I move carefully and hide the meat under the dining table.
I wrapped the meat in the cloth I had stolen. Putting the meat wrapped in the cloth in my underwear, it didn’t feel too damp, thanks to the cloth. It didn’t seem like anyone would mistake it for feces or menstruation.
Everything was done secretly under the dining table, so no one noticed my actions.
The meat was heavier than the bread, so I walked awkwardly with my legs spread out. If I ran, my underwear would slip down, so I had to walk awkwardly, spreading my legs.
