Episode 16
What was happening?
Why did I all of a sudden have to deal with something dangerous?
I didn’t have time, though, to think about any of this.
The man’s eyes got scarier and scarier until I could barely stand still.
I gave up and got down on my knees.
“Your Grace, I…”
I gripped my hands tightly and looked at him with a scared face. I could feel my hands shaking.
“Please, spare me.”
I was so scared that I could barely hold still.
“I don’t live alone. I can’t die.”
“…”
Even though I begged him to put the knife down, he just looked at me with cold eyes and didn’t.
“I beg you.”
Amud always held the knife high, no matter what.
“Eek.”
Whoosh.
It happened when the silver flash shone brightly.
I shut my eyes very tightly. Was that everything?
I thought I had found a way out of debt after being in it for so long, but it turned out to be a bad line.
Would I want to leave this world without ever seeing my brothers and sisters’ faces?
I had a lot of ideas in my head in a short amount of time.
“…” Some time had gone by, but I didn’t feel any pain.
The man was still holding the knife and looking at me when I slowly opened my eyes.
He gave a small smile when we looked at each other.
He quickly put the raised knife on his left arm.
“What, what are you… Aaah!”
When I saw blood running down his arm, I screamed.
“Quiet.”
He frowned as he spoke. But blood kept coming out anyway.
“Ah, scream some more. That would be good.”
“Aaah… What?”
I asked while shaky. I didn’t know what was going through my mind.
“There are maids working outside, of course.”
I didn’t understand what he was saying, so I just stared at his face like a fool.
“If it’s too quiet the night of our wedding, people might wonder what’s going on.”
“…”
Amud moved his wounded arm across the white sheet.
Drip.
Blood started to fall on the white sheets like snow.
One drop, two drops.
The blood dripped like it was forming a circle shape.
I could only stand there and look at the scene.
When he thought that was enough, he pulled his arm back.
He then tore off a piece of his shirt and wrapped it around his arm tightly.
“Cover it up with this.”
“Huh? Yes…”
I stood up and walked toward him as if I were in a dream.
I started to wrap the torn piece of cloth he gave me around his arm.
When I saw that the blood had stopped spreading on the white towel, I let out a sigh of relief.
“Um…”
“What?”
His sharp look surprised me, so I didn’t say anything right away.
“Can I ask why you’re doing this?”
He gave me a dumb look and said it in a funny way.
“Do you want to sleep with me then?”
When he said something very straight, I bowed my head very low.
“She must have made it a must for you to have my child, the Duchess.”
He said it with clenched teeth.
“…”
“I’m not sure what you were offered, but you won’t get what you want. So I won’t tell anyone.”
“By this…you mean,” I replied.
It meant that even though we weren’t together, we had to act like we were. That also meant.
“You can’t have my child,” he said. “Never now, never ever.”
It didn’t seem to come from anywhere. I had to take his child for the deal to go through.
“Don’t you want to have a child?”
“The Duchess wanted that.”
It was strange to hear him call his own mother ‘Duchess’ in such a cold, faraway way.
I even wondered for a second if she was really his mother.
“She is really my mother.”
His answer shocked me. It was as if he could read my mind.
“Ah, yes.”
I quickly turned my head and coughed in an odd way.
“Sometimes, like now, I wish our blood wasn’t mixed. To think that my own mother would force a woman who doesn’t love her son into his bedroom to speed up the birth of a child while he’s slowly dying.”
I was the one who went along with this crazy idea.
I was told that he’s sick, so that’s why I believed Camilla.
What did I do wrong?
I heard that he was ill. Because of how bad his health was, I thought he might not live very long.
So, I agreed with his mother that I would have a child for him.
I didn’t think about his point of view because I was worried about my money and my siblings.
I didn’t think about how this deal would make him feel.
I didn’t think about how it would feel to have to kiss a woman you don’t love so you can have a child.
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I’m sorry… hic.”
The white cloth that was wrapped around his arm got wet with my tears.
“What are you doing?”
He seemed puzzled and asked.
“I just… “
He did nothing but look at me.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry… sniffle.”
Even though my tears made it hard to hear me, I kept saying I’m sorry.
I should ask the Duchess to end this marriage.
I guess I must have been crazy.
No matter how much money I needed, I couldn’t agree to a deal that said I had to have a child.
At that moment, I saw the faces of my siblings, their smiles, and their bright eyes.
<Sis, are you sure I can go to school?>
When I told Edgar I would send him to school, his face lit up with joy. He’s a smart kid.
Even though he never said it, I knew how much he wanted it.
The second child, Lirin, was a big reader. She kept reading the few books we had at home until the edges were worn down.
<This tastes so good, Sis!>
Twins Melia and Tina grew up fast and ate a lot.
Austin, who was only five years old, was the youngest. He was always in need of care.
If the ducal family hadn’t sent us money, they would be in a very bad position right now.
Even the small house where my siblings lived was paid for by the ducal family. No matter what, my younger siblings who were not yet adults were looked after by our aunt.
All of that was too important to them for me to take away. For their sake and mine, I couldn’t do it.
We could stay living if we went back. Just like before, working hard.
But that was it. I could only do a certain number of things.
Fees, books, and food all cost a lot of money.
Even if I worked hard my whole life, I wouldn’t be able to meet their needs because we were in debt.
As I got up, I said, “Please.”
“…” Amoide kept looking at me.
I lost.
I got on my knees in front of him.
He watched what I did with eyes that were just a little bit bigger.
“Please don’t tell the Duchess about this. Today…”
“Of course, I don’t have any plans to.”
“Y-Yes?”
I raised my head in surprise.
I spent a long time looking at Amoide’s face, but it was hard to tell what he was thinking.
“I won’t tell.”
“…”
“What do you think I was thinking by doing that?”
He used his eyes to point to the bloody bed sheets.
“Well…” Why would he do that? When I thought about it, he didn’t have any reason to do that.
“Everyone at the mansion will think that we spent our first night together.”
“Why? Why have you come this far?
Amoide told me, “If I don’t show them that you’ve spent the night with me…”
“They will keep sending girls like you to my room. I’ll have to feel this awful way every time.”
“…” I didn’t understand why he had done something so crazy until then.
Red blood was on the white sheet.
It showed it was the first night.
A very traditional way to let people know that the couple just got married without making it too clear.
I felt a cold wind blow through my heart as soon as I realized what it meant.
When the maids come to change the sheets in the morning, they’ll see that it was our first night together.
The Duchess would, of course, hear about it.
At that moment, I felt a weight lift off of me. My body was weak and tight from the moment I walked into the room until he took out the knife.
“Let’s both get what we want.”
He turned around and sat down.
“That’s the best I can do for you.”
I thought about his clear last words for a long time.
—
“It was really a terrible night.”
I sighed deeply when I thought about what had happened. Not a good thing to keep in mind.
For both him and me.
I felt terrible guilt every time I thought about how much he didn’t like me.
And that guilt had been killing me for the two years we’d been married.
I didn’t feel like I could stand up straight in front of him and the other people in the house.
I had to trick Camilla into thinking that he and I were a real couple and that we were going to get married.
Everyone had to be fooled, from the maid and workers to our own doctor Raymond.
What if I had told the truth about everything back then?
I would have had to leave the duchy if I had broken the deal.
Could I have lived with the debt, even if I had to work hard? I couldn’t have known that.
