The day before his birthday.
“Oppa, happy birthday.”
For the first time, he received an early birthday wish. Unlike how things had gone before, Jaeyoon found himself waiting—hoping—for that one line that would quiet his growing unease.
‘I like you!’
Tell me you still like me.
“Sorry for stopping you out in the cold. Be sure to eat seaweed soup tomorrow morning, and have a fun birthday. Take care!”
With that, Hyerin ended everything, smiling brightly as she turned away. The hem of her dress, peeking out beneath her coat, fluttered like flower petals.
He reached for a spring that was already out of reach. Bound by unseen chains, he couldn’t chase after her. He couldn’t even call out. Like a dog tied to a post, he stood frozen, staring in the direction its master had disappeared. The winter wind carried the scent of blood.
He had always known this day would come. It had been inevitable. The sharp wind slapped his cheeks, turning his skin red. The cold pierced through to his chest, leaving his limbs numb, as if they’d been severed.
At this rate, I’m going to freeze to death.
Survival instincts abruptly surfaced, turning Jaeyoon back the way he came. His crushed emotions cracked and crunched beneath him like frozen snow.
Beeeep—
With every step, her voice echoed in his head, accompanied by a ringing in his ears.
‘Well, it could happen. A man and a woman living together.’
Fuck.
‘We’re not dating yet. Just… something’s developing?’
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck….
‘I won’t see you tomorrow. So this is in advance.’
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—
His feet, moving faster and faster, slipped on the snowy path. His vision spun upward, and a hard impact slammed into the back of his head.
Reflexively, he had protected Hyerin’s gift instead of bracing his fall. With a thump, Jaeyoon lay sprawled on the snowy ground of the empty park, hugging the shopping bag as he stared up at the night sky.
“…Fuck.”
The heavy snow melted on his face like tears, and the howling wind echoed with the sound of sorrow. The gift resting on his chest crushed down on his heart. It was too heavy. So heavy he couldn’t take another step.
Was this the weight of her tears—the ones that had comforted a coward like him? Could he carry it alone? He would only soak it with more of his own tears, making it heavier still.
The snow brushing against his reddened skin stung like needles. Crawling along the needle-littered ground, Jaeyoon barely managed to get to his feet and head home.
His vision rolled like waves, distorted and sickening. He had to hide this pathetic version of himself. Just like he always had.
Staggering home like a drunk, Jaeyoon kicked off his shoes haphazardly and bolted straight to the bathroom.
Hurk—ugh—
He retched over the toilet, his body lurching as though trying to spit out his heart. His throat burned, leaving only strands of saliva with the faint taste of blood.
Wiping his mouth sloppily with the back of his hand, Jaeyoon opened the bathroom cabinet and pulled out a cigarette. He’d started smoking the day he saw Hyerin kissing some other guy. That was over three months ago now—long enough to be comforted by nicotine.
Sitting down on the bathroom floor, he lit the cigarette with trembling hands. The smoke filled his lungs, warming his frozen insides.
Hyerin’s love, which had been on borrowed time, officially died today. She had never missed being with him on his birthday before. The fact that she prioritized plans with another man meant Jaeyoon had become second place. It was a final, undeniable death sentence.
The bathroom tiles were cold. The clothes he’d fallen in were dirty and stained. The air was thick and stale, never aired out. Everything was a mess.
He let out a bitter laugh at the pathetic sight of himself. And yet, even in his rush into the bathroom, he’d gently placed Hyerin’s gift outside the door. The sheer decency of that made him feel both pitiful and proud.
He sat there, laughing like a madman as he leaned against the toilet—until a soft vibration buzzed in the inner pocket of his coat.
Cigarette still between his lips, Jaeyoon pulled out his phone. It was his mother. Somehow, she always called at the worst—or perhaps most telling—moments, like she knew.
“…Hello.”
— Oh, Jaeyoon. What a surprise, you picked up quickly. What were you doing?
I was getting over a breakup, smoking on the bathroom floor. Even though I’d been preparing for this day little by little, now that it’s here, it hurts so badly I feel like I’m going to die.
But he couldn’t say that out loud. It sounded too pathetic—too lame. If she heard that, she might be so turned off she’d never call again.
“Just… getting ready for bed.”
Jaeyoon lied smoothly, then reached out to pull the shopping bag from outside the bathroom. He carefully avoided touching the white scarf inside with his dirty hands, only letting his eyes linger on it. A final gift—something she’d knitted herself. No matter how he looked at it, it was cruel.
— Jaeyoon! I want to go to Korea before Christmas. Is that okay? I’ve been adjusting my schedule bit by bit because I just really want to see you.
His mother’s bright voice spilled out of the speaker, disrupting the acrid air of the bathroom. Jaeyoon, who had just buried his face in the bag trying to catch a trace of Hyerin’s scent, slowly lifted his head.
“Mom… don’t come. I’ll go to you.”
— …What?
The prince who always used to save him was gone now. He felt permanently stranded in the dark. The hollow emptiness and sense of loss brought with them a terrifying, unfamiliar fear.
That faint lingering scent was nowhere near enough to keep the fear at bay. Every time the urge to run to Hyerin and pull her into his arms surged up, he was terrified of what he might do.
How much more disappointment am I going to cause? If I push this any further, not even the good memories will survive.
“I… I can’t stay here anymore. I want to run away… Can you hide me?”
He had never said he was struggling. Never said he was lonely. He’d always told her he was doing well. So maybe it was no surprise that his sudden vulnerability caught her off guard. There was silence for a moment. But soon, a gentle voice came through.
— Of course. I’ll hide you, nice and tight.
She didn’t even ask what had happened—just agreed, without hesitation. As if she already knew he might’ve done something unforgivable.
— So the monster of the night doesn’t gobble you up…
Her added words made his shoulders sag. The “monster of the night” was from a fairy tale she used to read to him when he was little. A wicked creature that would snatch away any child who didn’t stay fully under the covers.
When he was young, he’d been so scared of that story that he’d asked his mom to tuck him back in if he kicked the blanket off in his sleep. She remembered that. Every little detail. That kind of memory—surely it was a sign of love.
— Did I overdo it?
“No… Thank you. That actually helped. I guess I was just being needy for no reason.”
— No, I liked it. I missed you being needy, honestly.
“Was I ever needy? I don’t think I was…”
— Oh, please. You were so stubborn as a kid. If there was something you wanted, you’d just cry silently and stand there until I gave in. And once I bought it for you, you’d stop instantly. You were such a little fox.
He couldn’t remember, but he could imagine it. Even now, he struggled to rein in his desires. Some things never change.
“I’m not like that anymore. I know when to give up now… I’ve grown up, haven’t I?”
Worried the cigarette smoke might cling to it, he pushed the scarf far away again and leaned his head against the bathroom door, eyes closed.
— Yeah, you’ve grown up. Knowing when to let go—that’s how you minimize the damage. Whether it’s time… or feelings…
“Letting go at the right time”—he couldn’t bring himself to admit he’d missed that window completely, and now was clinging to the edge of a cliff.
— I’ll probably be living off the excitement of decorating your room again starting tomorrow. When will you come? If you have to take care of the apartment, say goodbye to your friends, and talk things through with your dad, maybe around February?
To warm his freezing heart, Jaeyoon curled up into himself. There was nothing in this house that could warm him—not the cigarettes, not his mother’s comfort. Nothing could fill the space Hyerin had left behind. His hands and feet trembled from the cold.
“No… I’ll come sooner…”
— …Jaeyoon, are you crying?
Jaeyoon stubbed out the last bit of his cigarette on the floor and murmured,
“Please… as soon as possible…”
His shaky, tear-filled breaths echoed through the bathroom for a long time.
Ssshhhhh—
The shower poured down, and steam began to rise in thick, ghostly swirls. The bathroom, once filled with cigarette smoke, was now clouded with vapor.
Even after warming his body under water so hot it bordered on burning, Jaeyoon still trembled as he stepped out. He was cold.
The snowy scene from when Hyerin left, the biting wind—it all came back in flashes, winter’s scent dragging through his mind so vividly his teeth clacked from the chill in his bones.
He thought a glass of whiskey might raise his body temperature, so he downed a full cup, but it was useless.
Every kind of heartbreak he’d read about in books was now hitting him in reality—and maybe even harder.
It felt like every cell in his body was lined with thorns, scratching at him from the inside, the cold unbearable.
Jaeyoon buried himself under the blanket, not even bothering to dry his hair.
Covered completely in the darkness of his room and blanket, he couldn’t tell if he was dead or alive. In that murky space, the only thing he could hear was the sound of a single heartbeat—his own. The fear that even that faint beat might stop at any moment made one face surface in his mind: Hyerin.
The feel of their lips meeting when they were younger, the taste he’d once barely sampled, the warmth passed through her hands—it all felt as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.
That moment should’ve been a terrible memory, something to curse. It had left him stuck, unable to move forward or back. But even now, after losing her, it kept playing in his mind. He had to be insane.
And then, she was there.
She always came like this—his imagined Hyerin, slipping into the blanket beside him, gently brushing his cheek, gazing into his eyes.
She was a phantom he spoke with until morning, only to vanish with the sun.
Jaeyoon stared blankly at her face, speaking soundless words.
Hyerin, what are you thinking right now?
Do you feel lighter now? Or are you excited to meet that guy tomorrow?
I’ll probably fall asleep again tonight imagining who you’re thinking about, what kind of thoughts you fall asleep with.
Tomorrow night, I’ll start packing slowly. I’ll probably pack your gift first. It’s the only thing I still cherish.
I missed so many chances to leave. If I were only thinking about the pain, I should’ve run back then.
But I don’t regret it.
Like Hyungwon said, even being a good oppa beside you made me happy. Just being able to see you one more day was enough.
Thanks for loving me until now.
I’ll carry the weight of all the times I hurt you, of the comfort I cowardly stole from your tears. That’ll be my punishment.
I’ll live the rest of my life missing you—that should be enough.
Our goodbye will be sad, but I know time will make it fade.
Not for me, but… I hope your pain ends here.
I love you. I always will.
He poured his heart out to the version of her in his imagination.
He knew that if he closed his eyes, she would disappear—but he didn’t have the courage to let her go just yet.
It still felt like there was something he hadn’t said.
The truth is… I hope you don’t forget me.
Jaeyoon swallowed those last words and shut his eyes, sending her away.
But he reopened them almost immediately—as if to prove what he’d done wasn’t strength, just fragile pride.
And she was already gone, leaving only the darkness behind.
Good job. Keep doing this.
He comforted himself and closed his eyes again.
He wanted to fall asleep, but it was impossible. His heart pounded faster with every passing minute, as if keeping pace with his growing anxiety.
The image of Hyerin in another man’s arms suddenly filled his mind, flipping his stomach so violently that he had to bury his head in the toilet again.
After stumbling out of the bathroom, Jaeyoon retrieved the scarf from the shopping bag he had deliberately pushed far away.
He crawled back into bed, curling up just like he did when he was a child, pulling the blanket over his head completely.
Burying his face into the soft white yarn that glowed faintly even in the dark, he tried to gather whatever lingering trace of her scent remained.
Thinking about how not a single stitch had gone untouched by her hands gave him the illusion that he was holding her.
Time passed—how much, he didn’t know—until his vision began to blur.
His mind spun with everything that had happened and everything still to come, but he focused solely on her scent as he drifted off.
It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.
Only when consciousness faded did the rhythm of his heart finally calm, whispering those words as if trying to convince him.
* * *
“You know the verb ‘to dream’ is written as one word, but ‘to wake from a dream’ is two separate words, right?”
“…What?”
“When I’m with you guys, it feels like I’m dreaming. Like a kid—I laugh, I get excited, I feel butterflies. But… you can’t dream forever, right? If I want to wake up from the dream… I think the only way is to separate from Hyerin. I don’t think I can hide or suppress my feelings anymore.”
It was the first birthday Jaeyoon had ever spent alone with Hyungwon, without Hyerin. Thinking it might also be the last made him feel unexpectedly wistful.
“Out of sight, out of mind.”
He hinted at their breakup, his tone casual. Sensing something in the air, Hyungwon studied him with searching, wary eyes.
Jaeyoon knew what he wanted better than anyone. Now that Hyerin had let go of her feelings, all that remained was for Jaeyoon to do the same—then the picture Hyungwon longed for would finally be complete.
But the vague hope the two boys once shared that day would never come true.
Hyungwon’s wish that Jaeyoon’s feelings would eventually fade, and Jaeyoon’s hope that Hyungwon might one day forgive him—neither would be realized.
With Hyungwon’s wish half fulfilled, Jaeyoon found himself unable to take another step forward. Overwhelmed by the pain that felt like losing both legs, he prepared one last gift for his dear friend.
“My self-control in front of her is paper-thin. Even I’m scared of it sometimes.”
It was a promise: not to taint the good memories. A promise he couldn’t keep on his own, so he was determined to use circumstance to enforce it. That promise—his final gift—was farewell.
Perhaps understanding the meaning behind don’t worry, Hyungwon simply kept his eyes lowered to the table. After a long silence, he suddenly spoke.
“January 1st—you’re going to Jeongdongjin with me. Don’t make any other plans.”
By then, Jaeyoon would already be out of the country. The fact that Hyungwon brought it up now… maybe he sensed something. He looked uneasy.
Jaeyoon had been debating when to tell everyone about his departure, but this confirmed it—it was best to delay it as long as possible.
For two big reasons.
One: he didn’t want those he told to spend too much time regretting it.
Two: he knew he’d falter under their sorrow.
On the way back home after parting with Hyungwon, Jaeyoon’s gaze never left his silent phone.
What was he waiting for? He’d already received a birthday message in advance, so it wasn’t like he should expect anything.
Still, he kept checking Hyerin’s social media, but it was as quiet as his messages.
He wondered if she was home yet—she must’ve met that guy today.
Where did they go? Hopefully not his place.
Then again, there are love hotels everywhere; the location hardly matters. Did they sleep together? If they kissed even without dating, sleeping together wouldn’t be a stretch, would it?
If he were that guy, he wouldn’t let her go home so easily either.
What line did he use to lure her? “Don’t go today,” maybe? Or “I’m not feeling well, can you stay with me?” Appealing to pity?
Hyerin needed to know—men can fake a certain look in their eyes just for sex.
As the thought of another man touching her dragged on, Jaeyoon’s stomach churned violently. A wave of nausea overtook him.
Was he drunk? His vision rippled and swirled.
He stumbled into the house—and then, the name he had been waiting for appeared on the screen: Hyerin-ie.
He froze, unable even to take off his shoes. The harsh vibration of his phone rattled through his fragile chest.
He had waited so long for this call, but now that it came, he was terrified he’d mess it up.
Panic built walls around his heart in every direction, pushing him into a defensive stance.
He shouldn’t pick up. He knew it would only hurt more.
Thump thump thump—his heartbeat pounded in his skull, like it would burst.
But just before the call ended, his hand moved on its own and tapped the answer button.
Hearing her voice should be okay… right?
“…Oppa…?”
With just that one word, the fragile walls around his heart crumbled in an instant.
I miss you.
The words nearly burst out, but he pressed them down with a shallow breath, focusing instead on the faint sound of her breathing.
“Oppa. Did you drink a lot? Are you home safely?”
At the sound of her worried voice, a rush of desire surged up violently from deep inside him.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you…
See? He knew this would happen. Hearing her made him miss her. Seeing her would make him want to hold her. And once he held her, he’d want to taste her. He’d said it before.
As desire flared like wildfire, the veins bulged in the hand clutching the phone, and his clenched jaw trembled minutely. Just as he was about to hang up, no longer trusting himself to hold out, the call abruptly ended. The invisible thread that had kept them connected snapped, and his arm dropped lifelessly to his side.
You held back. Again.
Every time had been a close call, but he hadn’t crossed the line. He endured, and endured, and endured… maybe he’d matured since he was seventeen. Maybe—just maybe—he could keep holding on. That fragile hope flickered in his chest.
But that thin veneer of composure shattered the moment Hyerin appeared.
“Sorry… I was going to leave, but—Joo Hyungwon showed up totally drunk. I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer…”
She was the one he had longed for, yesterday, today, and for years before that—now right before him, flickering like a dream.
His whole body felt limp from the hot shower, and the dizziness clouded his vision. He blinked over and over, trying to get a clear look at her face.
But she quickly turned her head down, as if unwilling to even let him have that.
“Sorry I let myself in. I was just… worried.”
Her eyes, which had always met his directly, now stared somewhere down near the floor.
That averted gaze felt like a silent declaration: My heart has turned away.
The anxiety he’d been trying so hard to suppress suddenly boiled over, without warning or restraint. Her voice was drowned out by the thundering of his heart. All he could register was her refusal to look at him.
I told you—if I see her, I’ll want to reach for her.
“In front of her, my self-control is paper-thin. Even I’m scared of myself sometimes.”
Once the red haze blurred his vision, it was no longer within the realm of logic. Even knowing that reaching out would mean losing what little he had left—he still succumbed to the impulse.
“I should go. I….”
But before she could finish, he seized her chin roughly and devoured her lips.
In that instant, a warm, sweet scent enveloped him.
Her wide, startled eyes finally met his.
Still locked in that gaze, he forcefully pushed his tongue into her mouth, exploring its depths. The familiar sweetness bloomed across his body, adrenaline surging.
Every cell in his drought-stricken being reached desperately for the oasis.
More. More. More—
“Hng—Wait—mmph!”
Like a predator savoring its prey’s struggle, her resistance only fanned the flames.
He pulled her trembling body tight into his embrace, changing the angle of his lips again and again, exploring deeper and deeper, unwilling to waste even a single breath. He sucked her lips as if trying to steal all her air.
Hyerin, trembling, clung to his wrist.
Her touch was pleading—desperate. Her flushed face showed she’d reached her limit.
When he finally pulled away, she gasped, gulping for air.
The brown of her irises, barely visible under her lowered lids, shimmered with fear and confusion.
“…Oppa… you’re drunk.”
Her trembling voice carried a damp breath that grazed his skin like a caress.
Drunk? Yeah. He was.
Maybe he’d been drunk since yesterday—intoxicated out of his mind.
His brain, soaked in her saliva, was numb.
Right and wrong. Wise or foolish. Good or evil—he could no longer tell the difference.
She must be the strongest liquor in the world—
No, poison. The kind that leads everything to ruin.
Even if it meant drinking past the lethal dose and dying, he’d still drink it gladly. He was already hopelessly addicted.
“I… I’m Hyerin.”
I know.
“Yeah. Hyerin.”
That’s why I’m going insane.
“Our Hyerin.”
Trapped in the cycle of patience, compromise, and resignation, his true nature awakened, and his thoughts became simpler. He was helplessly drawn to her magnetic pull. He indulged in her sweet, candy-like tongue and explored her body. His heightened senses meticulously traced every inch of her.
How many times had he imagined this scene? How many nights had he spent with the her of his fantasies? Perhaps he had been waiting for this moment of self-destruction all along.
The warmth that filled his hands brought back memories of when he was 17. He was still a starving dog, but there was no Hyungwon here to put a leash on me.
“Ah, mm, no… please don’t. Oppa.”
Her refusal stung his ears. His chest ached with a mix of pain and sorrow.
“It’s still… my birthday.”
You said you liked me.
“Do you really have nothing to say?”
Tell me you still like me.
“Do you hate me now?”
Please don’t like anyone else.
“I’m annoyed.”
Don’t give anything to anyone but me.
“You always warned me, didn’t you? That if I got too close… you’d end up kissing me. But you never had the guts.”
Why did you come here?
“Why do you… smell so sweet? So unguarded”
It’s your fault.
“Do you think I’m a joke?”
Yes, this is inevitable.
“Tell me, Hyerin, hmm?”
It’s not my fault.
“Ah, haah… Wait—Oppa, you’re drunk… This kind of thing…”
“Haah… Why? You let me touch you before.”
The moment he blamed her for everything, the last shred of guilt vanished without a trace.
He slipped his hand under her clothes and felt her breasts. The soft, plump flesh filling his palm stirred his desires. He pushed up her top, revealing her pale skin. The body that had captivated 17-year-old Jaeyoon, the shape he could only vaguely make out through her clothes, was now fully exposed before him.
Her flat stomach contrasted with the full, round breasts. Her pale, almost translucent skin glowed under the fluorescent light, like a marble statue. The beauty before him surpassed all his imaginings, and the dreamer who had spent countless nights longing for her was overwhelmed. But soon, he was consumed by an insatiable desire and curiosity.
“Bite this.”
When he put the cloth in her mouth, she looked up at him with tear-filled, anxious eyes. Her mature body contrasted with her childlike expression, stirring a sadistic pleasure within him.
Ah, so cute. He gently licked the salty tears from her eyes. It was just an appetizer. Jaeyoon began to fully savor her, now laid out on his couch.
With one hand, he kneaded her soft, dough-like breast, and with his mouth, he took in the red, cherry-like nipple. He swirled his stiff tongue around the protruding nipple, pressing and stimulating it slowly….
“Mm, ah, hmm, ah….”
Hyerin let out sweet, restrained moans. Wanting to hear more, he sucked hard on her areola as if to tear it off. Her body trembled at the intense sensation, but no sound escaped her. She bit down on the cloth in her mouth, trying to stay quiet.
Twisted with frustration, Jaeyoon bit down gently on the swollen flesh with his teeth.
“Ah…!”
Only then did he release her nipple. Her chest was flushed, either from the heat or the stimulation. Her pretty, pink nipples were erect, and the marks of his teeth were clear around her areola.
“I told you to bite down.”
“I-it hurts… Oppa. I can’t take this anymore…….”
She reacted sensitively to every word, expression, and gesture he made. Though fearful of the situation, she would relax at the slightest smile from him. Her simple, predictable reactions fueled his desire to possess and crush her.
“If you let go again, I’ll punish you.”
After issuing the low warning, he tilted his head and kissed her deeply. Simultaneously, he slipped his hand into her loose pants, exploring places he hadn’t known before.
Her underwear was slightly damp. It felt like evidence of her reaction to him, making his lower body throb with urgency. He pushed aside the thin fabric and rubbed her wet folds.
His heightened senses allowed him to vividly imagine her shape without even looking. He could feel the protruding flesh, the warm opening, and the wet wings clinging to his fingers.
Her struggles went unnoticed as he marveled at the enticing form. He wanted to know more, to experience the place he had dreamed of.
He inserted his finger directly into her entrance. The slightly wet interior easily accepted his finger, enveloping it in warmth. It was softer and warmer than any other place, and he could feel her heartbeat pulsing through her.
Jaeyoon pinned down her struggling body and focused on memorizing every detail. How could even this place be so beautiful? The slippery, soft heat spread through his body, making his groin ache with desire.
Amidst the dizziness, crude thoughts flooded his mind.
How many guys knew this feeling?
Did she sleep with the guy she dated for a month?
The guy she’s seeing now must know, of course.
He must have licked her soft folds with his tongue and thrust his hard length into her, savoring her completely.
And Jaeyoon, who was always by her side, only got to experience it now….
Imagining her moans of pleasure for other men filled him with intense jealousy and unbearable lust. His hand, driven by resentment and urgency, roughly explored her insides, thrusting his fingers in and out. The wet sounds echoed, and her struggles intensified. He pinned her down and forcefully plunged his fingers into her, the slapping sounds filling the air.
After some time, her folds were soaked and dripping with wetness. Jaeyoon traced wide circles inside her, feeling the slick walls, and whispered into Hyerin’s ear, “You’re so warm inside.”
“Ah, take, take it out. P-please, stop…….”
“But I’m cold….”
Jaeyoon slowly withdrew his fingers and looked down at Hyerin. He held her gaze as he slowly pulled down her underwear and pants, revealing her pale skin. She shook her head in disbelief.
“N-no…. Ah… Why….”
He furrowed his brows and blinked slowly, knowing she couldn’t resist his pitiful act. He rubbed his body against hers like a wet animal and kissed her ear, cheek, and lips slowly.
“Hyerin, I’m so cold.”
He took her hand and made her stroke his face, kissing her palm and each finger gently. Despite his slow movements, his heart raced, and his groin was hard with desire.
Then, her small hand tentatively began to caress his cheek. Instead of the expected pity in her eyes, he saw anxiety and sadness. Tears welled up in her beautiful eyes and rolled down her temples. His heart sank, and his vision cleared.
What… is this?
His returning rationality struggled to comprehend the devastating scene before him. Why had they ended up like this? He had ignored her warnings and ultimately hurt her.
[“Do you really like me? No, you don’t like me. You just pity me. You only feel sorry for me because I can’t do anything without you.”
“No, no! That’s not it…. I really love you. I think of you as the master of my life.”
“Then… can you prove it?”
“What do I have to do for you to believe me?”
“Hug me right now. Prove that you see me as a woman.”]
A scene from a book he had once read flashed through his mind. He wanted to fill a void that went beyond simple desire. He thought of physical intimacy as a sign of affection. He didn’t have the courage to ask about her feelings, so he tried to confirm them in an easier way. He wanted something tangible and visible. He felt like he would die of anxiety if he didn’t confirm her love right away.
Her tears were a clear rejection. Pity and love were not the same. He was disgusted by his own ugliness in trying to use that knowledge. Hyerin must have seen his true nature, so she wouldn’t have any lingering feelings for him. He had ruined his chance to be remembered as a ‘good oppa’ because of his selfishness. Once again, he was trapped, unable to move in any direction.
This relationship was doomed from the start. Ever since his birthday, their bond had been…
You’re such a coward. She gave you a chance, but….
Just as he was about to give up, a small hand grabbed his cheek and pressed its lips against his. It was a clumsy, cautious, and sad kiss. Tears streamed endlessly from her closed eyes.
Is this just your pity? What are you thinking? Despite his thoughts, he was in a position where he had to quench his thirst with her mercy.
Hyerin’s kiss was quiet, but Jaeyoon held her hand and kissed her more deeply. Deeper and deeper, as if he would take out her heart.
Her flowing tears are beautiful. In his blurry life, like a camera out of focus, she alone was clear, strong, and vivid. Like a brilliant firework sparkling in the dark night sky, she was dazzling and loud, stealing his gaze again and again.
He reached out his hand, feeling as if the brilliant lights would fall on him. He wanted to catch them, even if they burned him.
There was nothing else to stop him now. So the future depended solely on the two of them, and his choice was to grab the fire, ready to burn everything.
The tip of his erect penis, already freed from his gown, touched her entrance. Jaeyoon, suppressing his desire, pulled his lips away and waited for Hyerin’s choice.
“No… Don’t stop kissing me.”
Hyerin hurriedly pressed her lips against his again, gripping his shoulder. That was her choice. Hearing her answer, countless memories flashed through Jaeyoon’s mind, their timing uncertain.
I like you!
He loved the moment when Hyerin’s face turned red. Even more so when he thought he had caused it.
The red face of Hyerin before him overlapped with the warm hue of a sunset.
‘You know, Hyerin, you are the only light that reflects my heart.’
The girl he thought was a fleeting spark became the sun of his world, dispelling the long darkness. His legs had value because they could take him to her, his hands because they could touch her, his eyes because they could see her, and his ears because they could hear her voice.
If Hyerin disappeared, it would be as if his limbs were cut off, his eyes blinded, and his ears deafened. No, it would be the same.
Warnings that he would burn to death if he got too close to the sun fell on deaf ears. The brilliance before him was beyond his endurance. He lost. He couldn’t help it. No matter what, he was drawn to the strong pull of the sun.
Finally, as his erect penis entered her, blood rushed to his head, and a dazzling firework display began. The loud noise of firecrackers in his brain left him unable to think of anything but devouring her entire body.
So cute. So cute. So cute.
He wanted to devour her soft body and sweet scent entirely. Hyerin’s insides tightly wrapped around his entire penis with strong pressure. The intense constriction made his vision go white, and his lower body throbbed intensely.
“Ah, it hurts…. Ow…. It hurts so much….”
Through the haze of pleasure, he heard Hyerin’s cries. Jaeyoon, slightly furrowing his brow, lifted his body, which had been tightly pressed against hers, and looked down at where they were joined. He saw a small amount of blood on her labia and his groin.
Jaeyoon closed his eyes tightly, seeing Hyerin crying like a child and the red blood that had come out due to his thrusts. Her insides, tense with tension, had no idea how to accommodate a man. This meant that he was the only one who knew this feeling.
The relief he once felt from her tears resurfaced, reminding him of his past cowardice. The fullness in her stomach made his balls twitch. Jaeyoon let out a deep sigh and collapsed onto her slender, lovable body.
“Ah, fuck. I think I’m going to come.”
She was truly sweet. He wanted to ruin her so that no other man could have her. As the urge to ejaculate surged, any semblance of rational thought vanished. All he could think about was filling her with himself as quickly as possible.
He wanted to mark her body as his forever. His boiling semen was a testament to his desire for her. Jaeyoon lost track of time, indulging in pleasure over and over again, soothing the endless void within him.
Their encounter, which began on the sofa, continued on the cold living room floor, the marble table, and finally in his bedroom. With every moan and movement from her, a confession like a scream burst forth from his tattered heart.
In truth, I am a weak and ugly selfish being who only feels superior when you, who shines so brightly, loves me.
“Ah… Hyerin, show me your face.”
In truth, Jaeyoon was cowardly, timid, and not kind at all.
“Don’t go. Stay with me.”
He was always afraid that if he took off his mask, he wouldn’t be the kind of person she would like.
“Don’t go.”
Are you disappointed? Do you hate me now?
“You’re mine.”
Even if it’s just pity, please love me, Hyerin.
A loud sound signaled that Hyerin had left. At the same time, Jaeyoon slowly opened his eyes and touched the blanket she had covered him with.
Even after crying so much, she still didn’t hate him. Her usual kindness brought him relief. Alone, Jaeyoon buried his face in the blanket and pillow that still held her scent, lost in the afterglow of their lovemaking.
The image of her face, flushed and tear-streaked, flashed through his mind. Her childlike appearance was both pitiful and lovable, making him want to torment her more. He felt a strange sense of exhilaration at the sight of her trembling with shame and pain, begging him.
His vague preferences had become clear today. Hyerin was dangerous for him.
“Ah…. I messed up.”
Despite his words, the corners of Jaeyoon’s mouth curled up into a smile. The weight of his actions was heavy, but the physical and emotional satisfaction was greater, making him grin uncontrollably.
Even though his desires had been satisfied, he felt light, as if he could fly. Sleep was impossible.
Jaeyoon left the bedroom. The living room, which should have been a mess, was tidy. His gown, which had been on the floor, was neatly folded on the sofa, and the traces of their lovemaking had been cleaned from the floor.
Jaeyoon put on the neatly folded gown and opened the trash can. As expected, he found a tissue stained with a faint pink hue. He imagined Hyerin squatting down to clean up, and love welled up within him.
He brought a scarf from his room and set it down on the table. The most recent gift he’d received always became his most treasured, and this one, in particular, felt like Hyerin herself.
He filled a glass with ice and whiskey, taking small sips to moisten his throat as he checked his phone. There were two missed calls from his mother and a message from Hyerin. It was sent at 11:41—probably just before they had met face-to-face.
[I’m leaving you a hangover remedy. Please take it and get some sleep :)]
[Happy birthday!]
It gave him a clue about why she’d come. His gaze finally landed on the pile of hangover remedies scattered across the table.
Was that what had clattered to the floor from Hyerin’s hand earlier? During their encounter, his attention had been entirely absorbed by her—he hadn’t had the chance to notice anything else.
As the image of her bare body splayed across the table returned to him, his lower half, which he thought had been spent, involuntarily twitched and stirred. Gathering the scattered remedies and pulling them toward himself, Jaeyoon then rested his head on the table.
His entire space was filled with Hyerin.
“This is nice…”
He closed his eyes, savoring the fullness. The swirling mess of white, red, and black thoughts in his head had finally mellowed into yellow. Following Hyerin’s suggestion, he tore open one of the pill-type remedies and washed it down with the canary-colored whiskey.
Then, he called his mother. As if she’d been waiting, the line connected after only a few rings.
—Oh, Jaeyoon! I thought you were sleeping since you didn’t answer earlier.
“Yes, I slept a little.”
—Did something good happen? You sound cheerful.
Was this the intuition of a parent? Or was his happiness just so palpable that it was practically leaking out?
“I had a good dream.”
He fiddled with the scarf as a soft chuckle slipped from him. Though the scent of Hyerin had likely faded in the harsh winter air, the memory of walking through the park with her clung to the scarf and made it feel even more special.
He had crossed a line he had long feared—and yet, somehow, instead of dread, all he felt was relief.
He had decided to hold on to Hyerin, no matter the cost. Now, he needed to come up with a fitting plan. Priority one: get rid of the other guy beside her. After that, he’d have to get Hyungwon’s approval.
But first, he needed to get Hyerin onto a suspension bridge—shake it violently until any clingers fell off, and make her focus solely on him.
There was only one way to make her come to him on her own, without the risk of being hated:
He had to confuse her.
Frighten her until she was trembling with uncertainty.
Once she was afraid enough, she’d reach out to him.
Even if what she felt was a mistaken form of love, or sympathy, or just fear of losing him—it didn’t matter.
“I like you!”
Once he heard those words again, he wouldn’t let go. Not ever.
Then came the issue with Hyungwon.
“January 1st—you’re going to Jeongdongjin with me. Don’t make any other plans.”
He used to believe that the only reason Hyungwon hadn’t cast him aside that day was out of pity. But suddenly, another thought occurred:
Could it be that, just as much as he cherished Hyungwon, Hyungwon was also afraid of losing him?
Had Hyungwon ever truly cast someone out of his circle once they were inside it?
From what he’d seen over the years—no, never. Hyungwon always found a way to keep those people close, even if it meant changing what he didn’t like about them. Maybe the reason their relationship had stagnated wasn’t because of Hyungwon at all—but because Jaeyoon had been a coward.
Now that the situation had moved from prevention to damage control, his mind began spinning rapidly—but in all the wrong directions.
He had torn away the mask that Hyungwon had so carefully placed on him over the years.
From the beginning, the idea that he could stay by their side as a “good” person had been flawed.
He had to be accepted exactly as he was.
He had always been greedy and selfish by nature. That’s why he had to have both Joo Hyerin and Joo Hyungwon in his grasp—and he had a vague idea of how to make that happen. They were both the kind of people who couldn’t turn away from someone standing at the edge of a cliff. Just as he cried out of fear, losing someone must be just as terrifying for them.
“Mom. I’m sorry.”
— “Hmm?”
“I’ve decided to stay here. Because there’s something I want.”
Jaeyoon clenched the wet wipe in his hand tightly and closed his eyes.
“Well, you were so stubborn as a kid. If there was something you wanted, you’d just cry silently and stand there until I gave in.”
“I guess I still haven’t grown up.”
— Good grief. So, the monster in the night doesn’t scare you anymore after just one night?
Her response, though it could have sounded like a remark on his fickleness, didn’t press him too deeply. She asked it gently, as if reading aloud from a childhood storybook. Because of that softness, he was able to give an equally dreamy answer.
“A brave prince came and killed the monster for me.”
A faint smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
It wasn’t long after that he told his mother about his upcoming marriage to that “prince.”
