It was the year Jaeyoon turned 17, a high school student.
“I like you. Let’s date!”
During lunchtime, a girl whose name he didn’t know confessed to him. Jaeyoon’s gaze was fixed not on her face, but on a lipstick stain near her collar.
“I’m sorry. I have someone I like,” he replied softly, his characteristic gentle smile in place, despite being irritated at being called away from a heated basketball game with his friends. The girl paused, momentarily taken aback, then nodded with an awkward laugh.
“Oh… I see. Thank you for your time!”
Her bright voice finally drew his gaze to her face. She had rosy cheeks and narrow, upturned eyes, a cute face. He thought it was admirable that she could still smile after being rejected, a sign of her mature character.
“Well, I should get going. Sorry for interrupting your game,” she said.
“It’s okay,” he replied, meeting her eyes with a smile.
She looked down, her demeanor changing. “You seem like a really good person. I hope things work out with the one you like.”
He wondered if he could be so gracious if the situation were reversed. Perhaps she only had a slight crush on him. As she turned to leave, his friends, who had been clumsily hiding nearby, emerged and cheered loudly.
“Wow, that’s the class president from Class 3. She’s popular, too bad she got rejected by this guy.”
“Jaeyoon looks good on the outside, likes to read, and seems quiet and polite. But really, he’s got OCD and is a pervert.”
Jaeyoon checked his watch, ignoring their teasing. There were 14 minutes left of lunchtime, too short to resume the basketball game. His friend Hyungwon approached him, playfully putting an arm around his shoulder.
“Someone you like? Who is it? Hyerin would cry if she heard that.”
“…It’s just an excuse,” Jaeyoon muttered.
“I knew it. By the way, why are the guys calling you a pervert? And since when do you have OCD? That’s news to me.”
Jaeyoon grimaced and brushed Hyungwon’s hand off his shoulder with just his thumb and index finger, as if it were dirty.
“Just because I like things clean doesn’t mean I have OCD. And I only said that because they kept pestering me about girls, so I gave them a piece of my mind.”
The conversations among boys of this age were all the same. They talked about their preferences in girls, the videos they watched the day before, and mostly topics that could be considered vulgar.
“What did you say to them?”
“I just said… I think it’s beautiful when a girl cries during sex.”
Jaeyoon said it casually, but Hyungwon blinked in surprise and asked, “Do you… like that kind of thing? Hardcore? BDSM? Tying up, spanking?”
“Damn it…”
“You’re a pervert, man.”
Hyungwon laughed and joined the other friends who were walking ahead, not giving Jaeyoon a chance to explain. They loudly called him a pervert and teased him, saying he was creepy. Jaeyoon chuckled but tilted his head, puzzled.
He had meant the image of a girl crying from pleasure, but the thought of her crying from pain didn’t seem bad either. He didn’t mind the idea of tying her up, and the thought of leaving marks on her soft skin…
Oppa.
The face that always came to mind made Jaeyoon gulp and stop in his tracks. Hyungwon turned around and asked, “What’s wrong?”
Seeing a face similar to the one in his imagination, Jaeyoon felt a wave of guilt, but his body reacted differently. He turned away, covering his mouth, and said, “I need to use the bathroom.”
He heard Hyungwon calling him, but Jaeyoon quickly headed to the bathroom. He rushed to the farthest stall, locked the door, and pulled out his hardened member from his constricting underwear. He couldn’t think of anything else; he just wanted to relieve his urgent desire. He thought of her as he stroked himself, his breath coming in short gasps. Only after he came, his mind cleared, and his vision sharpened.
He felt pathetic, driven by such a primal urge. After it passed, he always thought of the doll games he played with Hyerin. Those innocent memories didn’t fit with his dark desires. He laughed bitterly at the thought.
“Would she still like me if she knew I was like this?” he muttered, looking at the semen on his hand.
His desire had always been for one person, and that was the problem.
‘Oppa, I like you!’
Hyerin often confessed her feelings at random times, smiling brightly. Jaeyoon loved her voice and her face. He adored how she blushed but looked straight at him. He didn’t know when his feelings for her turned into love, but it was around the time she started going through puberty that he began to question the meaning of love.
How much do you like me?
In what way do you like me?
Can I touch you? Where?
The two-year age difference seemed to widen as they grew older. Jaeyoon’s love for her ripened faster. Even though they looked at each other, the intensity of their feelings was different. And he knew it better than anyone.
“I’m disgusting,” he muttered, scrubbing his hands with soap as the school bell rang loudly.
On the way home that day, Hyungwon suddenly said, “You’ve been coming to my place a lot lately, haven’t you?”
After school, Jaeyoon naturally followed Hyungwon home. His father’s remarriage had made his own home uncomfortable, so he preferred spending time at Hyungwon’s. Hyungwon was one of the few people who knew about Jaeyoon’s situation, and his home felt more comfortable than his own.
Hyungwon’s parents had always treated Jaeyoon like a second son, and he felt genuinely welcomed there. He prided himself on being able to read people, and he knew that their kindness was genuine and unselfish. He felt lucky to have them in his life.
“Hey… I have to ask, have you been smoking lately?” Hyungwon asked out of the blue.
Jaeyoon flinched and awkwardly sniffed his uniform. “Does it smell bad?”
“Well, not too bad, but a little…”
Feeling like he’d been caught doing something wrong, Jaeyoon rubbed the back of his neck and muttered, “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me. Just try to quit. It’s not good for you,” Hyungwon said.
Jaeyoon felt a burden to keep up with someone as upright as Hyungwon. Sometimes, even pure water felt like poison to him, but he nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I should.”
Hyungwon sighed and asked seriously, “Are you having a hard time lately? I mean, your stepmom isn’t a bad person, right?”
Jaeyoon appreciated his concern. His home life was difficult, but it wasn’t just because of his stepmother. “She’s only 10 years older than me. She tries to act like a mom in front of my dad, but it’s awkward for both of us. I just want to be independent as soon as possible.”
“Does your dad approve of that?”
“Yeah, he seemed relieved when I brought it up. Like he’d been waiting for me to say it.”
Jaeyoon spoke calmly, but Hyungwon shook his head in disbelief. “Do you need some comfort or something?”
“What more could I need? You’ve been comforting me for years already.”
“Well, feeding you dinner is just my mom’s way of getting rid of leftovers. Don’t get the wrong idea,” Hyungwon joked, but Jaeyoon shook his head sincerely.
“You and your parents, and Hyerin… you’re more like family to me than my own family. Thank you.”
“Come on… don’t be so sentimental. It’s embarrassing,” Hyungwon said, but Jaeyoon smiled genuinely.
“I’m glad I got dragged to your place when I was 8.”
“Yeah, you were the only one in class who could beat that game. I took you in as my sidekick because you were good at basketball and studying. You’re the best sidekick I could ask for. Stay with me forever.”
“Screw you,” Jaeyoon said, finally making Hyungwon smile.
Despite their different personalities and lifestyles, Jaeyoon knew that Hyungwon was a true friend. He was always honest about his feelings and had a positive energy that drew people to him. Jaeyoon didn’t care much for the other friends that came with hanging out with Hyungwon, but he appreciated the bond they shared.
They walked the familiar path to Hyungwon’s apartment, a place filled with memories for Jaeyoon. As they rode the elevator, Hyungwon suddenly remembered something.
“Oh, right. Do you have any extra school ID photos? The ones where you’re wearing your uniform?”
“ID photos? Mine?”
“Yeah, Hyerin’s been bugging me to get one for her. If you have any extras, give her one.”
“Oh…”
“Hyerin asked for it, huh?” Jaeyoon smiled briefly at the thought, then chuckled. Seeing this, Hyungwon frowned and shook his head.
“What are you laughing at? I’ve been nagged to death.”
“Because it’s cute.”
“Come on, what’s cute about that?”
“So, you don’t think your little sister is cute? You’re too hard on her.”
“Hard, my ass. You’ve never been bitten by her. She’s like a rabid dog. I don’t know how someone like her came from our family…”
Hyungwon’s face darkened at the thought, just as the elevator announced their arrival at the 18th floor.
“You should stop being so nice to her. Treat her like you do the other kids. Maybe then she’ll back off.”
“No way. I want to be a good brother to her. She already has one bad one.”
“Damn it,” Hyungwon muttered, but Jaeyoon just smiled and stepped out of the elevator. He naturally entered the door lock code, which he had memorized since childhood. Hyungwon muttered under his breath, “Well, it won’t be much longer anyway.”
“What won’t?” Jaeyoon asked.
“How long do you think she’ll keep saying she likes you? It’s time for her to grow out of it.”
The door lock clicked open, but Jaeyoon stood frozen, his mind racing. The thought of Hyerin saying “I like you” to someone else made his heart ache and his breath catch.
“What are you doing? Aren’t you going to open the door?” Hyungwon pushed past him and opened the door. Jaeyoon followed him inside, his mind a whirl of dark thoughts. He had always gone with the flow, but now he found himself worrying about something that hadn’t even happened yet.
He had started thinking about Hyerin’s feelings just a few days ago. When he realized that the little girl who used to follow him around had become the object of his desire.
“I have someone I like.”
That statement was true. He did have someone he liked. He loved her, but he didn’t have the courage to face her. They were still too young, and young love was so uncertain.
Hyerin didn’t know the real him. Maybe she was still in love with the boy who played dolls with her. He couldn’t be sure her feelings were the same as his. He wasn’t confident in her love. If they became a couple and then broke up, he could lose everything—the people he loved the most.
‘At least, not yet.’
To spend a lifetime together, both Jaeyoon and Hyerin needed time to mature. That had been his conclusion, but hearing Hyungwon’s words felt like a punch to the gut. There was no guarantee that Hyerin would still like him by then. His heart raced with urgency.
He sighed, trying to shake off the unsettling feeling, and took off his shoes. The house was quiet, filled with the warm afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows.
“Where’s Hyerin?” Jaeyoon asked, grabbing Hyungwon’s bag as he tried to enter his room. Usually, she would come running out to greet him by now, but there was no sign of her.
“How should I know? Maybe she went out,” Hyungwon replied irritably.
“Her shoes are here, though.”
“Then she must be in her room. Go check.”
Hyungwon shrugged him off and went into his room, turning on his computer. He was probably going to play games again. Once he started, he would be completely absorbed and wouldn’t hear anything until he finished. His parents would scold him for gaming instead of studying if they saw him, but they were both busy working at this hour.
Jaeyoon washed his hands and then walked over to Hyerin’s room. Her room was on the opposite side of the apartment from Hyungwon’s. As he approached, he noticed that her door was slightly ajar. He knocked lightly and called out softly, “Hyerin?”
There was no response. He pushed the door open and was greeted by the warm, cozy scent of her room. Hyerin was asleep on her bed, still in her school uniform.
“Oh, she’s really sleeping,” he murmured to himself. He should have just closed the door and left, but his eyes were drawn to her long legs, exposed by her hiked-up skirt. He felt a strange sensation in his lower abdomen and swallowed hard.
“Why didn’t she change her clothes or cover herself with a blanket…?” he wondered, trying to convince himself that he was only concerned for her well-being.
He stepped into the room, and the scent of her filled his nostrils, making him feel dizzy. The room was warm from the sunlight filtering through the thin curtains, and he could hear her soft, rhythmic breathing.
He pulled the blanket up to cover her legs, then hesitated before pulling it up to her neck. Her school blouse looked too small, the buttons straining against her chest. It reminded him of his own straining self-control, and he felt a pang of guilt.
He sat down on the floor, leaning against the bed. He had once wished for a little sister like her, but now his thoughts were far from pure.
“I’m sorry…” he whispered, looking up at her sleeping face.
She looked so innocent and peaceful, like a small animal basking in the sun. Her chest rose and fell with each breath, and he could feel the heat radiating from her body. He found even the most mundane things about her endearing and lovable, which only confirmed to him that he was going crazy.
As his thoughts grew more complicated, Jaeyoon shook his head slightly and stared at Hyerin’s hand, which was peeking out from under the blanket. He tentatively reached out and touched her palm with his fingertips, feeling a faint warmth that stirred his insides and made his blood rush. Eventually, his fingers intertwined with hers, gripping tightly.
The mere touch of their fingers made Hyerin’s hand seem to unfurl like a flower blooming. Her hand was so small, much smaller than he had imagined. He wondered if such a small hand could ever grasp any part of him. The warmth from her hand felt insufficient, and a dangerous thought crossed his mind, igniting a fierce desire within him.
He wanted to touch more of her.
The cozy, warm atmosphere of the room suddenly turned dark and heavy with his desire. His rational mind was lost, and his instincts searched for something to satisfy his craving. His gaze fell on her plump, reddened lips, parted slightly as she breathed. His vision blurred with lust.
What would her lips and tongue taste like?
A vulgar curiosity surfaced, and the last remnants of his morality crumbled away. He was certain that even if this moment were to repeat itself, he would make the same choice. His eyes slowly closed as his lips descended onto hers. He pressed firmly, feeling her moist breath enter his mouth, filling it with a sweet scent. He thought that touching her would satisfy him, but his heart pounded, urging him for more.
More, more, more.
His intertwined fingers gripped hers tightly, veins bulging on the back of his hand. Her hand turned pale from the pressure. Regret suddenly washed over him. He shouldn’t have entered this room. He shouldn’t have been trusted. But even as these thoughts crossed his mind, his tongue slipped into her mouth, touching her soft flesh.
“Jaeyoon.”
Her low voice stopped his rampaging desire in its tracks. He jolted awake from his trance, his eyes snapping open. He turned his head to see Hyungwon standing in the doorway, his eyes widening with shock and anger.
Jaeyoon instinctively covered his mouth with his hand, the hand that had been touching Hyerin’s lips. He stood up, his mind racing. What had he done? The scent and warmth of Hyerin still lingered on his hand and lips.
“You… ” Hyungwon’s voice was cold and accusatory.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…” Jaeyoon’s words felt hollow, even to himself. He hadn’t intended for this to happen, but now that it had, there was no excuse.
“Come with me,” Hyungwon said, his voice leaving no room for argument.
Hyungwon turned away, his voice heavy with suppressed emotion. “Stay out of my sight from now on. And don’t even think about coming to our house again.”
Jaeyoon followed him out of the apartment and to the playground in front of the building. Hyungwon finally turned to face him, his eyes sharp and filled with anger and betrayal.
“You bastard,” he spat. “Stay away from me. And don’t ever come to our house again.”
Jaeyoon paled, the words hitting him like arrows. He knew he deserved this. He had betrayed Hyungwon’s trust in the worst way possible.
“I should beat the shit out of you right now,” Hyungwon said, his voice trembling with barely contained rage.
Jaeyoon hung his head, unable to meet Hyungwon’s gaze. He wanted to beg for forgiveness, to let Hyungwon hit him until he felt better, but he knew he didn’t deserve even that.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair, his expression pained. “I can’t believe you did that to her. She’s my little sister, man. She’s like a sister to you too, isn’t she?”
Jaeyoon bit his lip, the taste of Hyerin still lingering in his mouth. He couldn’t tell Hyungwon the truth—that he had been lusting after Hyerin for years, that she was the star of every one of his fantasies.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice barely audible.
Hyungwon looked at him for a long moment, then sighed. “Do you love her?” he asked suddenly.
Jaeyoon’s head snapped up, his eyes wide with surprise. Hyungwon’s expression was unreadable, his eyes narrowed and intense.
“Fuck,” Hyungwon muttered, looking up at the sky as if seeking patience. He took a deep breath, then looked back at Jaeyoon.
“You said you’d do anything, right?”
Jaeyoon nodded, his heart pounding in his chest.
“Your feelings don’t matter,” Hyungwon said, his voice cold and hard. “You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve to love her, and you sure as hell don’t deserve to be loved by her.”
Jaeyoon’s heart ached at the words, but he knew he deserved them. He had betrayed Hyungwon’s trust and taken advantage of Hyerin. He was a monster.
“Just… be a good brother to her,” Hyungwon said finally. “That’s all you deserve.”
Jaeyoon’s hands clenched into fists, his knuckles white and trembling. The warmth of Hyerin’s hand was already gone, replaced by a cold, numbing emptiness.
“Then… I’ll pretend today never happened. To me, you’re my best friend, and to my parents, you’re like a son.”
“…….”
“To Joo Hyerin… I’ll let you remain a good older brother, her first love.”
It was the best conclusion he could offer, one that showed how much he had considered her perspective.
“I just… hope nothing changes between us. You know what I mean, right?”
Though he said it as if it were his own wish, it was really for her sake. He knew well that if not for this place, she had nowhere else to lean on, nothing else to bring her joy. That must be why he didn’t outright reject her. Jaeyoon could only nod.
“Yeah, I will…”
It was better than never being able to see her again. That alone, he thought, was enough.
“I’ll stay just like this.”
It was definitely from that year on. In response to Hyerin’s “I like you,” he began to say, “I’m sorry.”
A single mistake. Like Eve who, unable to resist her curiosity, reached out for the forbidden fruit and was punished, Jaeyoon felt he would have to atone for the rest of his life.
* * *
Hyerin’s older cousin, Hyungwon, had started easing up a little—no longer so guarded whenever Jaeyoon so much as reached toward her. That shift had begun when Jaeyoon started dating someone. He probably managed to convince himself that what happened that day had just been a mistake born of immaturity and sexual curiosity. Everything seemed to return to how it had been before the incident. Jaeyoon could laugh freely in front of the two of them again.
That was why Jaeyoon never stopped dating. So long as someone else occupied the space beside him, he could keep Hyerin a little closer in sight.
“I’m gonna get plastic surgery when I graduate!”
Hyerin suddenly said this as she came out to see him off. She tugged down on the outer corners of her eyes.
“Like this.”
Plastic surgery? That was a bolt from the blue. Jaeyoon, startled, relaxed his stiffened face and shook his head.
“Why? Your eyes are perfect just the way they are.”
“Don’t lie!”
“I mean it.”
How could she want to change the eyes he liked so much? Jaeyoon sighed in frustration. Hyerin pouted in response.
“You only date girls who look like this…”
She dragged the corners of her eyes down toward her mouth in exaggeration. A soft smile spread across Jaeyoon’s lips as he watched her. Deep down, he wished these feelings would just wither away, but she remained endlessly lovable—drawing more of his attention than anyone else ever had.
“You think drawing stripes on a pumpkin makes it a watermelon?”
Hyungwon had appeared behind her at some point, looking at the two of them with a teasing grin. There was no hint of suspicion in his gaze, which made Jaeyoon feel strangely at ease—and also a little sick.
“This guy only dates girls who look like a stiff breeze could blow them away. Look at your build.”
Hyerin tried to defend herself quickly.
“I’m just tall! I don’t even gain that much weight, and my frame is… is on the slimmer side!”
“She had two hot dogs and a whole tub of ice cream before bed yesterday. And she’s a senior in high school—barely moves but eats like a machine. Her belly’s like Namsan Mountain now. Last night I thought E.T. came back to invade Earth.”
“You son of a—! Joo Hyungwon!”
Hyerin glared at him with a sharp-eyed stare. Jaeyoon watched them bicker like always and let out a small laugh. The version of the three of them that Hyungwon had hoped for—had imagined on the day of the incident—was probably just like this. And if Jaeyoon could just figure out what to do with his heart, then maybe this story could keep going.
“When you graduate, I’ll buy you a drink.”
Still caught in a headlock from Hyungwon, Hyerin abruptly lifted her head, eyes shining.
“Really? Just me? The two of us?”
Her intent was obvious, but still cute. Jaeyoon shook his head and jerked his chin toward Hyungwon.
“All three of us. He’ll sulk otherwise.”
Hyerin’s bright eyes instantly darkened with a flicker of anger. She turned a fierce glare on Hyungwon.
“Ugh, you just have to be included in everything! You’ve never been helpful in my entire life, Joo Hyungwon!”
She angrily shoved off Hyungwon’s arm from around her neck and faced Jaeyoon again.
“You too.”
“Huh?”
“You’re old enough to stop dragging your friend around everywhere, aren’t you? The reason Hyungwon doesn’t have a girlfriend is because he spends all his time with you! And you—you get to date all you want…! I’m gonna get a boyfriend too! Jerk!”
Before Jaeyoon could say a word, Hyerin shouted her outburst and stormed off to her room, stomping her feet and on the verge of tears. Hyungwon and Jaeyoon stood in silence for a moment, staring after her.
“That lunatic… What the hell was that about? Was she mad at me? Or at you?”
“…Probably me.”
“Tch. Then why am I the one feeling bad? Am I just bad at Korean or something?”
Tilting his head in confusion, Hyungwon waved his hand like he was really telling him to get lost now.
“Heading home? Or off to a date?”
At that, Jaeyoon glanced down at his phone. His girlfriend had sent a slew of messages. Judging by the length, they were probably complaints about him being distant—or maybe even a breakup notice. Still, he lied without hesitation.
“A date. Gotta at least see her face for a bit.”
“Ooh, look at Mr. Romantic over here.”
Hyungwon wiggled his eyebrows with a sly grin. True to his word, he never brought up that incident again. And because of that, sometimes Jaeyoon felt like it had all just been a dream. That thought brought him comfort. He wanted to protect this dynamic. Especially now, when everything had returned to normal.
He gave a small nod and stepped out, but paused with the door half-open to glance back.
“What? Got something to say?”
“Just in case… If she says she wants plastic surgery, talk her out of it. Tell her she’s prettiest just the way she is.”
Hyungwon waved a hand like Jaeyoon was being ridiculous and turned his back, too lazy even to properly see him off. Yeah, yeah. I’m going. Clicking his tongue with a joking air, Jaeyoon stepped outside and pulled out his phone again.
What day was it again? Messages from his girlfriend, university friends, even his mother were all piled up like unfinished homework. He knew he should start tackling them soon, but only one thing kept echoing in his mind:
‘I’m gonna get a boyfriend too!’
It was inevitable—of course someone like Hyerin would eventually start dating. But the idea of it, the thought that it was finally just around the corner, made something in his chest churn like he was going to be sick.
It was because his feelings for her hadn’t faded. Not even a little.
* * *
Ever since Hyerin became an adult—always brutally honest with her emotions—both he and Hyungwon were constantly put through emotional trials. To borrow Hyungwon’s words, the girl he loved was a lunatic.
After he moved out on his own, the first time she barged into his apartment without even knocking, she said this:
“Ah, what a shame. I was hoping to catch you mid-jerkoff for some mmm-mmm-mmm spicy action. But nope, you’re just reading? Boring.”
The string of shockingly explicit words made Jaeyoon close his book and pinch the bridge of his nose.
“…Hyerin.”
Just calling her name, hoping she’d stop, but she only grew more defiant, speaking even more crudely:
“Forget it. No point in me making a move, right? Fine. I’ll be in my room, pleasuring myself. Come in 15 minutes. Maybe watching that’ll finally make your lower half react.”
She said it all like she was daring him, with that wicked expression and tone.
“Hey! Joo Hyerin! Can you knock it off?”
“What! Why! Can’t I joke around?”
“You have no shame, do you? If you’re gonna be like this, go home! Get out!”
“Ugh, let go! I haven’t even looked around your place yet!”
Then Hyungwon came in, dragging her out as she struggled. But for a moment, when the two men locked eyes, the discomfort between them was palpable. Every time this happened, Hyungwon’s eyes always reflected a mix of guilt and wary suspicion. Understandable—Jaeyoon’s own gaze must’ve betrayed a sliver of desire behind the shock.
Despite the efforts of the two men to keep their everyday life steady, Hyerin would throw them into disarray with things no one could ever predict.
“But seriously, why don’t you like me? You damn bastard.”
With his hand placed on her own chest, she stared at him as if studying his reaction. Then she gave a faint smile and walked out of the room. A devil. She was a devil sent to tempt men, no doubt.
“Hey! Joo Hyerin! Has she gone completely nuts? You—stop right there!”
Hyungwon’s yelling echoed beside him, but Jaeyoon just stood frozen long after she left, lips slightly parted. Then, as if by reflex, he raised a hand to cover his flushed face. The memory of her warmth and the curve under his palm was so vivid that it left him dizzy.
Still catching his breath, Hyungwon stood up and glanced at Jaeyoon’s face. Noticing how red he was, he clicked his tongue and swept his eyes over him.
“I’ll go say something to that crazy chick. You… just cool that thing down or something.”
Bang. After Hyerin, Hyungwon stormed out too. Only then did Jaeyoon look down at his pants, throbbing from the sudden rush of blood. He scoffed bitterly at himself. What is he, a middle schooler? Getting hard from just touching a girl’s chest at his age?
Shame welled up, but so did a sharp ache in his chest. If I hadn’t gone into that room that day, if I hadn’t kissed her—would things have turned out differently?*
Lost in fading memories, he touched his lips where hers had once been and let out a long sigh.
Before her, both his heart and body were still just that of a teenage boy.
“…I love you.”
The confession, never to reach her, echoed emptily through the quiet room.
* * *
At 28, on his birthday, Hyerin wasn’t there.
The one dazzling presence in Jaeyoon’s otherwise dull, directionless life was now gone. He’d been drinking non-stop since daylight, but another bottle of soju was still placed on the table where he sat with Hyungwon. The long, wide table was already lined with an endless row of empty bottles.
“You sure you’re okay spending it like this? I mean, it’s your birthday, after all,” Hyungwon said, sighing as he topped off Jaeyoon’s glass. His cheeks were tinged pink, the alcohol starting to show.
Ever since he’d met Hyerin, his birthday had become the one day of the year he looked forward to most. It wasn’t because of the generic sentiment of “being born” that others celebrated. No, that day was special because it felt like the one day he could be close to her without guilt—he could accept her affection, spend all day by her side, and no one, not even himself, would question it.
‘Have you tried this?’
‘The view here’s amazing.’
‘I just happened to get two free tickets.’
Each memory from those indulgent birthdays with her flashed vividly before his eyes. And by the time he’d be losing himself in her dazzling smile, she would always whisper, ‘I like you.’
That simple phrase soothed the anxiety that clung to him all year. You still like me, right? As long as he could confirm that, he’d find the strength to endure another year.
The first time he saw her cry, he’d only felt guilty and heartbroken. But in recent years, when he comforted her, he found himself smiling with relief. Wrapping his arms around her slender shoulders, patting her back, pulling her small head into his chest—those moments made him want her to cry in his arms forever. To keep saying she loved him, over and over, for the rest of their lives. It was a selfish, ugly desire, and he realized he hadn’t grown at all from the seventeen-year-old Jung Jaeyoon he once was.
Now, it seemed someone had finally come into her life with the kind of love she deserved. Jealousy didn’t even begin to describe the emotion that gnawed at him. It shook his core, made him dizzy, nauseous.
‘You’ll… stay by my side, right?’
‘Yeah. I’ll stay’
She said she would.
‘I promise.’
She promised.
His blank, drunken mind was soon flooded with resentment, rising and rising. His chest turned cold, and all the blood drained from his limbs. He felt frozen, dull, like a corpse.
“There’s nothing to ‘not be okay’ about. It’s just a birthday,” Jaeyoon muttered dryly.
Hyungwon gave a wry smile, topping off his own glass. “Just didn’t want you feeling empty, since the person who always made that ‘just a day’ into something special isn’t here anymore.”
Jaeyoon’s gaze, which had been fixed on the table, slowly turned to Hyungwon. Wasn’t Hyerin a topic they’d silently agreed not to bring up? Throughout the long, boozy hours, through bottle after bottle, her name hadn’t surfaced once—not at the table, not even in passing.
“If you were gonna spend your birthday with me anyway, maybe you should’ve gotten a girlfriend ahead of time,” Hyungwon added.
“…Guess so.”
“Then again, even when you had a girlfriend, you spent your birthday with us, every single year…”
What was all this leading up to? Jaeyoon tilted his head slightly, waiting for the next words.
“…Yesterday—did you turn her down properly?”
The question came out of nowhere, like a knife twisting in his chest. Was Hyungwon always this cutting, this sharp beneath the surface? It felt like he was probing with full intent to wound. But even with the weight behind those few, loaded words, Jaeyoon answered with a faint smile.
“There wasn’t anything to turn down. All she said was ‘happy birthday.’”
Yesterday, even though it wasn’t his birthday, she’d congratulated him. That alone made it clear—Hyerin’s heart had stopped. And that real love had finally found her.
“You were curious, huh? Makes sense. You already knew, that’s why you let her go, right? Telling her to watch out for pickpockets…”
Jaeyoon downed his drink in one go, his eyes briefly flicking to Hyungwon, who was staring down at the table.
“Man, that damn crush of hers dragged on forever. Guess it’s finally over. Must mean she really likes the guy she’s with now.”
Hyungwon wore a teasing grin, but then, unexpectedly, he looked Jaeyoon straight in the eye and said:
“Thanks.”
The conversation had veered into strange territory, but Jaeyoon had a vague idea of what that “thanks” was for. As if to drive the point home, Hyungwon added:
“Jeung Jaeyoon. I trust you.”
There wasn’t a hint of a smile on Hyungwon’s face now. The wariness and distance in his eyes made Jaeyoon feel like he was facing the same Hyungwon from that day—the one who had warned him. His words of trust felt more like a threat.
That’s when Jaeyoon understood exactly what Hyungwon was trying to say. He’d noticed the embers of Jaeyoon’s feelings still burning and was silently pleading with him to keep them buried. ‘Hyerin’s found someone else. Let it go. Hide it for the rest of your life.’ It was a warning, loud and clear.
‘Just… be a good oppa to her. For life.’
That line, which had shackled him for ten years, weighed down on his shoulders once more. Jaeyoon twisted his lips into a bitter smile and shook his head.
“Don’t trust me.”
He said it flatly, refilling his own glass as he looked directly into Hyungwon’s increasingly distorted face.
“You…”
“Let’s be honest. Even while you’re saying you trust me, you don’t. Right? A dog that’s bitten once doesn’t guarantee it won’t bite again.”
“…”
Jaeyoon emptied his glass like a shot and looked down at his quiet phone. Not a single message from Hyerin today. She was making it painfully, unmistakably clear—she no longer cared about him.
“I can’t even trust myself. So you don’t trust me either. Keep your guard up. Keep warning me not to cross the line. Keep her safe from me.”
“You… you still…”
Jaeyoon picked up his phone from the table, turning it on deliberately for Hyungwon to see. It was locked with a fingerprint, but once he entered the gallery, it was filled—wall to wall—with pictures of Hyerin. From when she was six years old, all the way to now. Only her. Always her.
Hyungwon’s face went pale at the obsessive, almost deranged level of Jaeyoon’s collection. Then, it twisted with disgust. So even from an outsider’s eyes, Jaeyoon’s love had reached a dangerous point.
“Want the truth? I want to go after her right now. Drag her back by force, hold her in my arms. Tell her I’ve always loved her too. Beg her not to leave me. Cry and hold her by the ankle if I have to. And if even that doesn’t work… I might get rough. I might actually want to lock her up in my room. Tie her hands and feet. Make her live for me, and only me.”
Jaeyoon flipped through her photos, a faint smile curving his lips as he met Hyungwon’s horrified eyes.
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Our Hyerin.”
“…You sick fuck.”
“Yeah. I am.”
Hyungwon was his safety pin. Sometimes Jaeyoon would think—if Hyungwon hadn’t come looking for him that day when he was seventeen, if he had just stayed glued to his game, if no one had stopped him—how much more of her would he have tried to possess? It terrified him. He knew he would’ve swallowed even her every breath, clutched at every warm part of her until there was nothing left.
“She’s lucky to have a big brother like you, Hyungwon. Someone to protect her from a bastard like me.”
Jaeyoon refilled Hyungwon’s glass, clinked it lightly with his own, and downed another shot.
Hyungwon stared at him, eyes sharp. Then he tossed back his own drink and exhaled a harsh, heavy breath.
“Let it go.”
The words came out clipped. He raked his hair back with frustration, his brow furrowed deep.
“What the hell is this? I mean, yeah, even if you’re a freakin’ psycho, you’re still my friend of twenty years. I still care about you. But why—why the hell does it have to be Joo Hyerin, you bastard?”
“Joo Hyungwon.”
“…What?”
“They’re all precious to me too. Your family. Every one of them.”
The sudden, sentimental words—oddly tender between two men—broke the tension that had hardened around the table. Jaeyoon shook the newly emptied soju bottle in his hand before setting it down, then leaned his cheek against a tilted fist.
“Hey… did you know that ‘to dream’ is written as one word, but ‘to wake from a dream’ is written separately?”*
[*T/N: In Korean, ‘to dream’ is written as ‘꿈꾸다’ while ‘to wake from a dream’ is ‘꿈 깨다’]
Hyungwon frowned, confused at the abrupt change in topic. “What?”
“When I’m with you guys, it feels like I’m dreaming. I laugh like a kid, I get excited, I look forward to things… But you can’t stay in a dream forever. And if I’m going to wake up from mine… there’s no way but to be apart from Hyerin. I don’t have it in me anymore—to hide these feelings, or hold them back.”
Jaeyoon, still poking at some dried snacks with his chopsticks, let a soft smile tug at his lips.
“Maybe if I don’t see her, I can manage.”
The only way he could protect Hyerin… was to stay far, far away. Because wolves and lambs were never meant to coexist.
“When I’m around her, my self-control’s… paper thin. Even I’m scared of what I might do.”
And that was why Jaeyoon had to leave behind everything he loved most.
