She spent a week so painfully ordinary that it made her chest ache. She had to eat meals with Jaeyoon, who came and went as usual; she had to awkwardly smile at his concern about her health; she had to answer questions about a romance that didn’t even exist. Jaeyoon was calm like the surface of a fish tank, and Hyerin felt like a suffocating fish trapped inside it.
“Oh, Jaeyoon’s mom can’t come. Something came up, I think…”
Hyungwon casually spoke as he bit into an apple. Her father clicked his tongue and shook his head, while her mother sighed.
December 22nd. His mother, who had promised to come before the year ended, once again postponed her visit. It was hard enough to care for her bruised heart, but now she had to share in his pain as well.
Waiting for someone was a terribly exhausting thing. Watching someone you love suffer, without being able to do anything, was even harder.
So, she decided she wouldn’t wait or simply watch anymore. That was the impatient side of her.
In a moment of impulse, Hyerin sent a message to his SNS account, which she had frequented anonymously.
[Are you available for a shoot tomorrow?]
Back in university, Jaeyoon often went on shoots. He mostly photographed children or families, and the results were usually similar—a cheerful scene with people smiling against a lush, green background. Hyerin really liked his photos. The world he showed seemed so radiant that she almost wanted to believe the version she saw through his lens was the only truth.
*‘He said he’s not doing shoots these days…’*
She was certain he would reject her. If he did, how could she convince him? Offer more money? Appeal to his sense of duty or mention a family issue that didn’t exist? After all, what she really wanted wasn’t the photos, but his time.
She thought the rejection would come quickly, but to her surprise, he didn’t even check the message. Frustrated and unable to fall asleep, she tossed and turned in bed. Then, a small vibration on her phone broke the silence.
It was well past 11 p.m., and the response she received made her doubt her eyes.
[Send the time and place.]
That was all.
[2 p.m. at the Sky Park clock tower.]
A few more brief and formal messages were exchanged. Once the plans with him were confirmed, Hyerin’s eyelids finally closed in relief.
[See you tomorrow.]
The last message from Jaeyoon lingered in her mind as she fell into a deep sleep.
Saturday morning. It was a sudden decision and appointment, but Hyerin felt calm. Honestly, she didn’t exactly know why she was acting the way she was. All she knew was that she wanted to fill the empty space in his time again. She simply wanted to see him, and untangle the complicated threads between them.
“Are you going on a date?”
Just as she was about to leave the house, Hyungwon, who had his hair disheveled like a bird’s nest, asked while yawning. The only difference today was that he was wearing a coat instead of his usual padded jacket, but his tone was certain. Hyerin smiled faintly and, out of nowhere, asked him a question.
“Don’t you have any plans? It’s strange you’re still sleeping at this hour. What about Jaeyoon?”
“Ah, him… A shoot? He said he couldn’t come because of that. The guy’s got money, but he’s still working on the weekend. What a crazy guy.”
“Yeah…”
Since university, Jaeyoon hadn’t received any shoot inquiries. The last time he took portraits was years ago when he took family photos for Hyerin’s family. For him to suddenly agree to a shoot was strange.
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Alright. It’s supposed to snow tonight, so come back early.”
Even though Hyungwon was yawning and scratching his stomach, he stood by the door, and Hyerin waved brightly at him before leaving the house. Thinking about it, this would be the first time she was meeting Jaeyoon alone outside. That made sense, though—without Hyungwon around, there was no real relationship between them. To him, she was just the younger sister of his best friend, and to her, he was just her brother’s friend.
So, she had to create a reason to meet him. Today, they weren’t meeting as oppa and yeodongsaeng; they were meeting as a photographer and a client.
She deliberately chose a park by the lake, far from her house, as the meeting place. The scenery of the park, with all the leaves fallen, was as bleak as any other park, but she wanted to eliminate any possibility of running into Hyungwon or her parents. She couldn’t explain why, but she wanted to remove all the secondary factors that existed between her and Jaeyoon.
After getting out of the taxi, Hyerin paused for a moment when she saw Jaeyoon standing in front of the clock tower. She took out her phone to check the time again, just in case. It was 1 p.m.—an hour earlier than their agreed time. What should she say to him? Should she ask about his mother? She had come out ridiculously early to clear her jumbled thoughts, yet he was already here. She wanted to be the one arriving first and to see him walking towards her.
Hyerin started walking again, slowly. Jaeyoon was wearing a black long coat that reached below his knees and a cream-colored scarf, the one she had given him. His hands, holding the camera, were bright red, and she wondered just how long he had been standing there. With a sigh, Hyerin quickened her pace.
“Excuse me.”
She called him in a low voice, and Jaeyoon, whose eyes had been focused on the camera, lifted his gaze. When their eyes met, he didn’t seem surprised at all. Hyerin had imagined he might ask, ‘Why are you here?’ or get angry, but he was calm as usual.
“Did you get the time wrong?”
At her playful question, Jaeyoon let out a small sigh. He rolled up the sleeve of his coat, checked his wristwatch, and smiled.
“I think you got the time wrong, too.”
Without the slightest sign of surprise, he nonchalantly fired back. Hyerin let out a short laugh and tilted her head, raising an eyebrow.
“You’re not surprised? I was curious how you’d react if you knew it was me, but this is a letdown.”
“I knew it was you.”
“Come on, don’t flatter yourself…”
“I’m serious. You haven’t been liking my posts lately, and I was a little hurt.”
He pouted slightly, turning his eyes away, as if he was sulking. Even then, Hyerin, unsure if she should believe him, shook her head. No, on some level, she didn’t want to believe it. The thought that he had noticed her stalker-like behavior of spying on his every move made her feel embarrassed.
“It’s because it’s you.”
He said something that could easily be misunderstood, but Hyerin didn’t mind. She knew that he considered her special, though the kind of special he meant was clearly different from what she desired.
“If you really mean it, thanks for pretending. Honestly, it’s kind of weird. You never asked for my account number, and you didn’t want me to pay upfront. Shouldn’t I pay in advance? Why would I pay afterward? I was actually going to tell you to stop living like that when we met.”
“You’ve transferred a lot of money already.”
“Yeah, I was planning to spend it all on you for the day. So, if I allow it, you can go home after, alright?”
It seemed that she wasn’t expecting an answer, as Hyerin immediately nodded and gestured for him to follow her. He silently walked beside her without a word.
Bare trees, stripped bare and looking barren, lined the path, and piles of snow that had been cleared were scattered messily along the edges. The park felt almost deserted, as if they were the only two people there, perhaps because it was winter, even though it was the weekend.
As they walked in silence, Hyerin felt his gaze on her and turned around. He pulled a hand warmer from his pocket and handed it to her.
“You’re going to catch a cold. You look pretty, but your clothes are a bit thin.”
At his words, Hyerin raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down before letting out a chuckle. He was wearing the same type of coat as she was. If he already knew it was her, she wanted to ask why he had come out dressed like that, though she couldn’t deny that he looked effortlessly stylish. The breeze that brushed past her carried a faint musk scent from him.
“I’m fine. I’m not cold. And why are you worrying about me? Don’t you remember the last time when you gave me your jacket and caught a cold?”
“I remember. You put a wet towel on me and stayed by my side.”
Jaeyoon recalled that time, his eyes drifting as he smiled, then hesitated before pressing the hand warmer into her hand.
“It’s really strange… whenever I’m struggling, it’s always you who shows up. Like today.”
‘Like today.’
Was he still feeling disappointed about not being able to meet his mother? His words carried a somewhat meaningful tone as he handed her the hand warmer, and when their hands brushed lightly, Hyerin felt a subtle tension in the touch.
“Thank you, as always.”
She looked at his hand, which had withdrawn quickly after the gesture, and sighed quietly. It was always the same. Just on the verge of crossing the line, it always made her heart race, but then he would pull away, leaving her wondering if it had all been just a misunderstanding.
She was tired of it. Frustrated. Annoyed.
The spring-like love of her youth, when she had eagerly chased after him, had passed. Even the summer, which had burned on tirelessly, had gone. The cicadas’ deafening cries had faded. She thought it was over. But love still lingered, now in the autumn. It pressed down on her chest quietly, like the gentle weight of falling leaves. It wasn’t loud, and that was fine. She had grown comfortable with the kind of distance that allowed her to remain calm, just like Jaeyoon, who always seemed to hide a layer of himself.
“Seems like the timing just worked out.”
Hyerin slipped the hand warmer into her pocket, walking ahead while flashing him a playful smile.
“Make sure to take a nice picture. After all, with such a good subject, I’m sure it’ll be worth it.”
With a smile, he raised his camera and took a shot of Hyerin. By the time she realized the camera was aimed at her, the shutter had already clicked. As she frowned slightly at the unprepared photo, Jaeyoon, who had quietly approached her, gently patted her head in a soothing gesture.
“Yeah, you look beautiful.”
Hyerin hoped this love, like the late autumn, would wither away soon, crumbling like dried leaves. But he kept trying to take her back to spring. She wasn’t so sure anymore.
They walked aimlessly along the park’s path, taking in the scenery. Snow had piled up thickly on the benches, and on the dry grass where the sunlight shone, pigeons were basking in the warmth. The two of them watched an unknown bird perched on the frozen lake, greeted a dog being walked, and even made a small snowman from the snow piled on the ground. As they conversed, Jaeyoon occasionally raised his camera without warning, and then added a line.
“Just now, you looked beautiful.”
When Hyerin’s face reddened at his words, the shutter clicked again.
“Even now.”
Had her request for a “pretty” picture been the reason? Words like “You look good” or “You looked natural just now” were all being replaced with “beautiful.” Even though she knew it was happening, her face still flushed. If anyone else had said this, she would have playfully responded with something like, “Stop flattering me.” But she couldn’t do that in front of Jaeyoon. Perhaps it was because she still wanted his love.
Not being able to be herself in front of him, and feeling so insignificant compared to him, even feeling disgusted with herself the night before when she was about to face him—these things were all signs that she didn’t want him to dislike her. When she became aware of this, her pride, which had been suppressed, suddenly surfaced, and her heart beat wildly in an attempt to suppress it. She felt like “Joo Hyerin” was slowly disappearing altogether. Hyerin, who had been tapping her fingernail and turning her gaze away, changed her expression and spoke calmly.
“You’re beautiful too.”
“Huh?”
“You’re beautiful too, Oppa.”
Hyerin said this while staring at him. In her mind, it was a sort of retaliation, but Jaeyoon lowered his eyes and smiled leisurely. His dimples dug into his cheeks, and his long eyelashes cast a faint shadow under his eyes. The park, bathed in the soft glow of the setting sun, felt ordinary, yet with only Jaeyoon there, everything seemed achingly beautiful.
“You’re still… beautiful,” he murmured.
Hyerin, who had been absentmindedly gazing at him, tilted her head. Jaeyoon, following her movement, also tilted his head slightly, blinking lazily, and continued.
“When we were really young, we used to play with dolls, remember? Back then, you always used to say I was beautiful. And you’d make me play the princess.”
Hyerin couldn’t forget. Every moment spent with Jaeyoon was still vivid in her memory. Nodding in recognition, she noticed a faint longing in his eyes.
“Back then… honestly, I wanted to play the prince,” he confessed.
“…What?”
“I wanted to hear compliments like ‘handsome’ rather than ‘beautiful.’”
Jaeyoon pouted, sounding a little grumpy. Hyerin laughed softly, covering her mouth. She didn’t know what he was trying to say, but he was just so cute.
“Then why didn’t you say so? I’m actually pretty good at listening to suggestions.”
Jaeyoon, who had been laughing along with her, slowly raised his camera again and spoke.
“No. You suited the prince role more. You were more handsome than me.”
‘No, I’ll be the prince. Because you’re more beautiful than me.’
The memory from childhood seemed to overlap with Jaeyoon’s voice. Click, the sound of the shutter echoed, but he was still looking at her through the camera.
“Even now, you’re so much braver and cooler than I am.”
“…”
“Every time… you come to rescue me, thank you.”
At his kind words, the faint smile that had remained on Hyerin’s lips quickly faded.
‘It’s really strange… whenever I’m struggling, it always seems like you appear. Just like today.’
It was just an extension of his words, yet why did it feel like a farewell? Behind the camera, he seemed cowardly. He was still looking at me through the lens, yet he wasn’t showing himself.
I knew now how hollow my childish role-playing, fairytale-like love stories, and the idea that marriage would be the happy ending really were. The notion of a sincere love that existed only between two people—I’ve stopped expecting that. If such a perfect love story existed, I wouldn’t be Jaeyoon’s princess. That was my conclusion.
Click.
After the slow sound of the shutter, Jaeyoon’s voice followed.
“You’re beautiful.”
The camera lowered, and finally, his eyes were visible. Though the sun had set in that brief moment, making everything harder to see, his dark eyes strangely shone. That was too much for me to bear now.
“Oppa, it’s too dark for pictures, and I’m a little cold.”
Now, I just wanted to find rest in the emptiness.
“So, I’ll spend the rest of the time at your house.”
In his car on the way home, she looked through the photos they hd taken that day. More than half were shots of her looking at the lens, and behind those pictures were her profile, turning away, her face flushed.
‘This is how I must look to him.’
She thought she had hidden it well, but it was obvious from her expression and eyes. She, Joo Hyerin, was undeniably in love with him. He must have seen this foolish face for the past 21 years. Thinking about it, shame washed over her like a tsunami, and her nose tingled.
She was ready to throw a tantrum or make up some plausible excuse, but Jaeyoon quietly took her home. Actually, he had never refused any of her requests, except for when she confessed. Of course, what she truly wanted was his heart, so in a sense, he had rejected everything.
“Give me your coat. I’ll hang it up.”
“Oh, thank you.”
Jaeyoon took Hyerin’s coat and disappeared into the room for a moment. During that time, Hyerin washed her hands and straightened her clothes while scanning the house. Although she had seen the same scenery just a week ago, it still felt strangely unfamiliar. While she hesitated in the living room, Jaeyoon returned, having removed his outer coat. She hadn’t realized before, but he was now wearing just a white shirt. Unbuttoning a few of the collar buttons, he glanced out the window, where snow had started falling, and asked.
“Aren’t you hungry? Should we eat first? Delivery might not work with the snow. We’ll have to make do with what’s here.”
Hyerin, who had been staring at the sofa, sat down in the chair at the dining table. The memory of that day kept resurfacing, making it uncomfortable to sit on that sofa. Though she had already squeezed her body into this chair, it didn’t make much difference.
“Yeah, what do you have?”
Hyerin asked, resting her chin on her hand and idly shaking her foot. Jaeyoon, thinking for a moment, pursed his lips and looked up into the air before cautiously answering.
“What I can make at home… Cream pasta?”
“I like that. But can you make it?”
“Hmm… I can’t guarantee it will taste good.”
Jaeyoon laughed playfully and motioned for her to wait as he headed toward the kitchen. He took off his shirt and, removing his wristwatch, began checking the ingredients.
“Should I help?”
“No, it’s so simple there’s nothing to help with. Just relax. You’re the guest, after all.”
At his words, Hyerin hesitated for a moment, then settled back into her seat. She didn’t think of doing anything else, merely watching him as he moved. Perhaps sensing her gaze, Jaeyoon glanced over at her.
“If you keep staring, it’s going to make me uncomfortable… Should I put on a movie to pass the time?”
“No, you’re more interesting.”
Jaeyoon paused for a moment, taken aback by her flat response, but without saying anything, he continued to move around. As the smell of cooking began to fill the air, Hyerin lay her head down on the table, eyes blinking lazily.
“It’s the weekend… don’t you have to meet your boyfriend?”
Hyerin, who had been lying on the table, absentmindedly rubbed at the faint mark on her neck. Jaeyoon seemed to think the marks were from her nonexistent boyfriend, completely unaware that it was him who had made them. The man Jaeyoon thought was her “boyfriend,” Seongchan, had already become notorious for his affair and the resulting love triangle. But Jaeyoon, uninterested in such gossip, hadn’t picked up on any of it. With a soft sigh, Hyerin offered a casual response.
“Well, I see him every day at work.”
“Ah… I see.”
Jaeyoon, still staring at the pan, gave a lackluster response. The silence between them wasn’t easy to bear, so perhaps the question had been asked without much thought. For all the time they had spent together, their relationship was still far from comfortable. This was the first time they had been alone for an entire day, so a few moments of silence were perhaps to be expected. Or maybe it was just her heart—Jaeyoon was the only person in the world who felt both special and difficult for her.
“Here, try it.”
Jaeyoon placed the finished pasta in front of her and handed her a spoon and fork, then sat down across from her. The pasta was neatly rolled into round shapes, with small pieces of bacon scattered between creamy sauce, and a sprinkle of parsley on top. It looked delicious, and without realizing it, she swallowed and immediately picked up the fork. She twirled the pasta around the fork, added a piece of bacon, soaked it in the sauce, and put it into her mouth. Jaeyoon leaned forward slightly, observing her reaction, as if he was waiting for her feedback.
“It’s delicious!”
“Really? Thank goodness.”
When she opened her eyes wide and gave a thumbs-up, Jaeyoon seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and relaxed as he picked up his fork. Honestly, she had planned to say it was delicious no matter what, but now she even thought that his cooking might be better than hers. The rich, savory taste spread through her mouth. Jaeyoon’s reaction, which seemed a little more excited than usual, made a small smile appear at the corner of her lips.
It had been a good day. They walked in a quiet park, sipping warm Americano, and in the car, they admired the beautifully decorated Christmas trees and buildings. For dinner, they had the pasta he made. She wondered if this was what it would feel like to date him. The house, which had once felt cold, was now filled with a cozy, warm atmosphere.
Jaeyoon, who had finished his plate first, propped his chin up and stared at her intently. His eyes were watching every little movement, just as she had done earlier.
“I’m glad you liked it.”
“Of course. Who made it?”
“That makes me even happier.”
After scraping up the last bits of cream, she put down her fork, and he immediately stood up to take her plate.
“Oh, I’ll do the dishes.”
“It’s fine. Hey, do you want something to drink? I have some herbal tea, but coffee might not be a good idea at night.”
Jaeyoon quickly wiped the dishes with his bare hands and asked.
‘I want to stay here like this.’
Maybe it was because she had eaten, but warmth spread through her body. Jaeyoon was focused only on her. She was scared to break this moment of happiness, so the words she had wanted to say kept fading away. She found herself staring at the thickening snow outside, checking the time. It was already past 9 PM, even though they had come back early and only had dinner.
“How about alcohol instead of tea? Do you have any?”
“Alcohol?”
“Yeah, let’s have a drink.”
Jaeyoon hesitated for a moment, then wiped his wet hands with a towel and asked.
“All I have is whiskey. Is that okay?”
“Anything’s fine.”
Nodding, he filled two crystal glasses with large chunks of ice and returned to the table with a half-empty bottle of whiskey from a kitchen cabinet she hadn’t even noticed. She smiled as she admired the elegant glass.
“Actually, this is my first time drinking whiskey.”
“Ah… are you sure? It’s pretty strong.”
“I’ll try it. By the way, you drink whiskey? Isn’t it really high proof?”
“Well… it is, but I only drink one or two glasses when I’m working.”
“Wha… you only drink it at home, right?”
Suddenly, she remembered how he had almost desperately tried to pull her close earlier, and she felt a little worried. Jaeyoon smiled faintly and nodded as he filled their glasses.
“You look beautiful.”
As she stared at the amber liquid swaying in the glass, she took a sip without hesitation.
“Oh, if you drink it like that…”
Jaeyoon reached out with a worried expression, but she had already swallowed it, and she could feel the burning sensation all the way down her throat.
“Ugh!”
She quickly set the glass down, clutching her throat with both hands, her face contorted in discomfort. The bitter taste filled her mouth, and her throat felt like it had been scorched. she could feel the alcohol all the way down.
“Hyerin, are you okay?”
With a worried tone, Jaeyoon called her name, and she weakly waved her hand. She nodded slowly, her eyes brimming with tears, and she looked at him.
“Why do you drink this? It tastes bad… and it’s so hot.”
“Drink it slowly, just a little at a time. Oh, right. What should we have for a snack? I wonder if we have anything…”
That meant he was planning to drink without a snack. Hyerin shook her head as she looked at the glass filled with ice. The ice took up a lot of space, so there wasn’t much alcohol, but if she drank it slowly, it seemed like she could manage without a snack.
“You don’t have to give me anything. I’ll just drink it.”
What she really needed was the warmth of alcohol. A night with him would vanish if she kept quiet, but she couldn’t bear the discomfort in her heart. Or maybe, it was because she was hesitating, trapped by the faint light she had discovered too late and not wanting to leave it.
‘You’re mine.’
The words kept echoing in her head, and she wanted to hear a definite answer from him. She might cry again if she received a firm rejection, but at least it would clear the confusion she felt now.
Hyerin took another sip of the drink and made a face. Jaeyoon quietly laughed and raised his own glass. Perhaps because he was wearing a shirt she hadn’t seen before, or because he drank the bitter alcohol without changing his expression, he seemed like a distant adult to her.
“This… it’s so hot.”
Hyerin mumbled as she held her cheeks, which had flushed from the warmth. She had only taken a few sips, but already felt the heat. The alcohol was definitely strong. Jaeyoon, who had finished his drink, refilled his glass and said:
“You don’t have to drink more. Don’t push yourself.”
“No, I’m going to finish it. It’s expensive whiskey, you know. I know that much.”
Her pronunciation was a bit slurred, likely from the alcohol. Jaeyoon, noticing that, suppressed a laugh as he looked at her holding the glass.
“Why do you keep laughing? Am I funny?”
Hyerin asked, pretending to be tough, like a street thug, and Jaeyoon shook his head, resting his chin on his hand, muttering:
“I like it.”
“…”
“I wish today wouldn’t end.”
Jaeyoon whispered in a soft voice, so quietly that it almost sounded like he was talking to himself. His gentle tone and affectionate words made her mistake his intentions once again. He was saying exactly what she wanted to hear, but all she could do was let out a hollow laugh. At that moment, Hyerin’s phone, which had been placed on the table, lit up.
[When are you coming?]
[The snow’s really starting to come down.]
It was a message from Hyungwon. It was already late, and the snow was getting heavier, signaling that it was almost time for her to leave. As much as she wished the day wouldn’t end, like he did, it was time to wake up from the dream.
“Oppa, I…”
Her last confession. She had already repeated it once, but still, this time it really…
“Hyerin.”
As soon as he opened his mouth, he cut her off by calling her name. Jaeyoon, who usually wasn’t so considerate, did this rarely. For a moment, her thoughts froze, and all her focus shifted to him. He remained silent, just gazing at her for a while. The unexpected stillness lingered, and Hyerin tried to read something from his eyes. His emotions, which always seemed hidden behind a fog, were now so clear that they almost seemed suspicious. That’s why, before he even spoke, her brows furrowed.
“I’m thinking of moving abroad.”
Why did her ominous hunches always turn out to be right? Was it because the alcohol had dulled her brain, or because she just didn’t want to believe it? She wasn’t even sure if this was a dream or reality anymore.
“…Moving abroad? Why? No… where to?”
She couldn’t form a coherent thought. Her questions came out in a jumble, without order.
“Actually… my mom kept asking me. She suggested we live together over there.”
“….”
“I’ve been thinking about it, but… I’m going.”
It hit her all of a sudden just how little he had shared about himself. She had always thought that both of his parents, busy with their new families, had left him lonely, but it seemed that wasn’t the case at all. This was clearly good news for him after such a long time.
He even had a younger sister, around middle school age, in England. Despite not being blood-related, he had been kind to her, and she was sure he would be a good older brother to her. And on top of that, he had a generous stepfather who welcomed him into his home just because he was his wife’s child, as well as the mother he had longed for. Finally, the person who had been all alone, isolated like a duck in a river, would now have a proper family.
There would be no more living alone in this cold, vast house. There would be someone to care for him when he’s sick, someone to rely on when he’s feeling down, and a family who would be concerned about whether he’s had his meals. It was something worth celebrating, but her throat was too tight for any words to come out.
Jaeyoon’s mother lived in England. It was far… too far. If he left, how many times could they meet again in their lives? Maybe they wouldn’t meet again at all. If he ever ignored her calls like last week, or refused to respond, no matter how much she rushed out in a coat, she wouldn’t be able to reach him anymore.
“Uh… when… ha… when are you going?”
She squeezed her throat, struggling to speak as her breath caught in her chest.
“If everything goes as planned… this year.”
“…This year?”
“Yeah, I put the house up for sale yesterday. The real estate agent said it was priced reasonably, so it should sell quickly…”
The pounding of her heart drowned out the rest of his words. She looked around in a daze and saw a few boxes through the slightly open bedroom door. The closet was ajar, books were scattered on the floor instead of on a shelf. The already sparse house now felt even emptier.
The reality of the parting set in, and her body turned cold as ice. If it was this year, then there were less than ten days left. How could it feel so sudden? To wrap up twenty-one years of memories in less than ten days?
“Thank you… for always coming to find me.”
The words from the past, the gratitude he had expressed, now made sense. He had been saying goodbye all day today, even as they smiled at each other. All the memories of their smiles together had burned away to nothing.
This man… was cruel.
“You know… if we hadn’t met today, when were you going to tell me?”
“…”
“Does Hyungwon know?”
Jaeyoon, whose mouth remained tightly shut, didn’t answer. She faintly sensed the invisible line he had drawn, ever since he hadn’t sought her out when he was in pain. Had that line come from her feelings for him? After that day, she had decided to give up and stay by his side, thinking that if she just gave up, everything would be fine. But it had all been an illusion, a dream she was chasing alone.
She felt hurt, hollow, upset, and beyond that, she felt bitterness and resentment. There was even a sense of betrayal. Even if the wall he had built was to protect others, she couldn’t bring herself to understand. The thought that all his smiles in front of her might have been lies for the sake of parting made her heart ache, and the taste of blood filled her mouth.
While she had always shown him everything, he still kept himself hidden. Perhaps it was because their hearts were of different sizes.
“Oppa… what were we to you?”
Her voice, mixed with a hollow laugh, trembled with unease. Her eyes, filled with red, were shaking as if they were on the verge of spilling tears. She realized that thinking of herself as someone special to him, someone other than his family, had been a delusion and arrogance. If today hadn’t been the day, if she hadn’t made the first move to meet him, when would she have ever known that he was leaving?
Her certainty about his feelings was slowly shrinking, retreating deep within her. At that moment, he slowly parted his lips.
“Everything.”
He threw out the short word, then, as if lost in thought, lowered his gaze. After a pause, he nodded and said again.
“Everything to me.”
“…….”
“It’s always been like this, hasn’t it? Your parents, who took care of me like their real son, and Hyungwon, who kept me close all this time…”
Jaeyoon looked at Hyerin and gave her a soft smile.
“Our Hyerin.”
‘Our Hyerin.’ What could that short phrase mean? She still couldn’t fully comprehend the emotions reflected in his eyes, which left her feeling frustrated. He had been trying to end this love, never fully giving her a chance to respond. He said she was everything, yet he was leaving so suddenly. The overwhelming feeling of regret filled her head.
Jaeyoon quietly fiddled with his phone, then continued speaking.
“Today was really fun.”
“……”
“I liked being with you… I think I’ve stored enough memories in my eyes so I won’t forget.”
When he set his phone down, Hyerin’s phone buzzed with a notification. An incoming payment alert showed that twice the amount she had paid him had been transferred back into her account.
“Thank you for spending your time with me.”
At those words, a bitter laugh escaped her lips, and her vision blurred helplessly. Jaeyoon’s behavior scared her; it left her feeling so empty. He had planned everything so perfectly that there was no room to insert herself. She had thought he was more emotional and delicate than anyone else, but now she began to wonder if he might be more calculating than she had realized.
“Can I keep the photos we took today?”
He asked cautiously.
‘It was because it was you. It came out because it was you.’
‘Always grateful.’
Unbeknownst to her, he had been preparing for their farewell all along. The way he had answered her calls, given her the scarf, taken her picture, let her into his home, made her pasta — was it all for this final moment? As the memory of her flushed face in the photos flashed through her mind, tears began to fall freely, and her chin trembled. She despised self-pity, but right now, she felt so pitiful.
“No. Don’t keep them.”
Hyerin spoke firmly, lifting her eyes, which were now red, to meet his gaze.
“Delete all the photos you took of me today…”
“……”
“Don’t make memories out of this. Instead… just tell me you hated someone like me. I think that’s the only way I could let you go.”
Her limbs felt numb, and she didn’t even have the strength to wipe away her tears. Her throat burned, and her ribs ached. Every time the tears fell, his face appeared for an instant before blurring again. The uncomfortable silence stretched on, and her memories of the time spent with him played like scenes from a movie, from the moment she first met him up until today.
There had never been a moment she didn’t like him. She had always tried her best, so she had no regrets.
“When I was very little, I fought with Hyungwon because I didn’t want to send you away. He said, ‘What are you to him, he’s my friend.’ I really hated losing an argument, but I had no words left to say that time…”
Hyerin twisted her lips and lowered her eyes.
“It’s been 21 years since I’ve known you, but… there still aren’t any words to describe our relationship.”
“……”
“You’re Hyungwon’s friend, and I’m his sister. We’re nothing.”
Hyerin gazed at Jaeyoon with a look filled with pain. What was he thinking? He was staring down at his empty glass, the ice the only thing left. Even at the moment of their final goodbye, he still didn’t show any emotion on his face.
‘Is this really the end? Or does it just sound like he’s hiding it?’
Yes, I can’t change these feelings for him. But I’ve tried so hard, thoroughly. Still, in the end, it was a choice made because I wanted to be by his side for the rest of my life. If I had known he would disappear like this…
“I’m sorry.”
He, who had been silently listening to me, finally spoke the same words as always. Those vague, responsibility-free words that could cover up all emotions in one go. Then, he took my glass, which still had some alcohol left, and drank it in one go. The bitter taste of the alcohol stung his mouth, and after finishing it, he pushed his chair back and spoke again.
“Let’s get up. I’ll take you home.”
It was the end. He was telling me to end this, to stop. When Hyerin didn’t respond, Jaeyoon picked up his phone again.
“If you don’t want me to, I’ll call Hyungwon. You can’t go home alone, you’re drunk.”
The kindness masked by firmness painfully dug into her chest, but there was no time to feel that pain. If she let him go now, there would be no chance of such moments again. She didn’t want to spend her life regretting today.
What should she do? No matter how much she wracked her brain, she felt powerless and pitifully honest in front of these feelings.
‘Don’t go. Oppa!’
“Don’t go…”
In the end, both 6-year-old and 26-year-old Hyerin could only throw a tantrum.
‘Jaeyoon oppa, you’re mine! You can’t go anywhere!’
“Please, don’t go…”
The trembling lips let out a breath that seemed to falter and fade at any moment. Her back bent and her neck quivered like a trembling aspen tree, and soon she was sobbing brokenly. It felt as though someone was choking her, making it hard to breathe. For the first time, she felt such pain in her chest, and as her tears fell, Hyerin lifted her head.
Jaeyoon, frozen like ice, stared at her with shaking eyes. His finger hovered over the call button, then stopped.
“Oppa… when I threw a tantrum, you stayed and played with me. So… please do that again this time.”
How pitiful this love is. In the face of parting, my feelings were selfish to the core, with no pretense. I disregarded his choices, his happiness, and his opportunities, and all I could do was cling to his ankle.
“I still…”
I like you, Oppa. I can’t imagine living without seeing you. I can’t forget you, I can’t let you go.
“Hyerin…”
His voice, trembling for the first time, broke through. Just as it did, Hyerin’s phone, quietly resting on the table, rang. It was Hyungwon calling. In the silence, the vibrating, almost agonizing sound shook the air. Both of their gazes landed on the loud screen at the same time. Jaeyoon blinked slowly, lifted his phone showing Hyungwon’s name, and placed it back on the table. Hyerin, as if she didn’t hear the vibrations, continued to gaze at him.
“Hyerin, what were you going to say next?”
Jaeyoon swallowed dryly and lowered his gaze.
“Answer it. Tell him to come pick you up.”
His voice was firm, but something in the air felt closed, as though something was about to open but then shut again. What was the problem? Just a moment ago, the gaze that had held her was now lowered. Hyerin, with her phone ringing persistently, slowly picked it up and answered.
– Hello?
“…”
Hyerin, still trembling, steadied her breath and answered as calmly as she could.
– “What do you mean, ‘hello’? Why are you answering so late? Are you coming home? Mom said the snow’s up to your ankles.”
Hyungwon’s words barely reached her ears. Hyerin’s entire attention was on Jaeyoon, who was still looking down, his gaze unwavering.
“Oppa, it’s snowing too much… and I’m a little drunk. I don’t think I can make it home tonight.”
At those words, Jaeyoon’s eyes slowly lifted, and he finally faced her. Just as she had been focused on him, it seemed that now he was entirely focused on her voice. There was silence from Hyungwon’s end for a while.
– “Hah… are you still with that guy?”
A sigh, almost inaudible, contrasted with the playful tone of his question. Hyerin met Jaeyoon’s eyes without flinching and answered.
“Yeah, I’m with that guy.”
– “Hmm… you really like him, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do. I like him… a lot.”
The more certain Hyerin’s voice became, the more Jaeyoon’s eyes began to tremble. It seemed he understood that she was talking about him. She smiled faintly, almost as if to prove it, before speaking again.
“Things like the snow or the alcohol… honestly, they’re just excuses.”
– …
No matter how many times she tried, expressing her sincere feelings made her nervous and anxious. Her pride always seemed to crumble in front of him. As Hyungwon would say, she had no pride or shame left. She looked at Jaeyoon, her heart pounding, and she was certain. She had lost her heart to him the moment they first met, and she still hadn’t gotten it back. So, this feeling was inevitable.
“I want to be with him… forever.”
The tears she had been holding back started to fall again, and Jaeyoon’s gaze dropped. Hyungwon’s voice broke the silence.
– Wow. Is this the same Hyerin who, just two months ago, acted like she couldn’t live without ‘someone’?
“Yeah… I know.”
– Alright, fine. I’ll tell Mom and Dad you’re sleeping over at Songi’s place. Later, you can formally introduce him. You two are moving fast.
Hyungwon hung up the phone with a playful tone. Hyerin turned off her now-silent phone, placed it on the table, and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. She looked at the motionless Jaeyoon.
“Jung Jaeyoon. Let’s end this today.”
“…….”
“Unlike someone who is sensitive and smart with many options, I’m all or nothing. I don’t know how to have a beautiful breakup, and I can’t live with just the memory of my first love. If you want to let me go, be honest and cruel. Don’t pretend to be nice or caring.”
“…….”
“If we’re not going to see each other again, just hate me. Think of me as a crazy girl you had a bad experience with. I’ll think of you as an illusion I created, and that Jung Jaeyoon… never existed.”
Hyerin picked up the bottle of alcohol from the side of the table, refilled her empty glass, and then filled Jaeyoon’s glass as well. The sound of pouring alcohol was followed by the sound of Hyerin gulping it down. Her throat and chest still burned with pain, but the alcohol was the stimulus she needed right now. She needed the courage that alcohol provided. Jaeyoon’s drink seemed to be quite effective, as she felt a warm sensation spreading from her heart to the top of her head. Her vision blurred slightly, as if she were wearing glasses with the wrong prescription.
“Do you still not see me as a woman?”
His gaze remained fixed on the table, but his Adam’s apple bobbed, indicating he was listening. Jaeyoon finally responded without looking at her.
“Yes.”
Hyerin continued her questioning.
“Have you never been attracted to me, even once?”
“No.”
Did he really not see her in his hazy vision? She remembered the night they spent together, but it seemed she didn’t leave any impression on him.
‘Yes, Hyerin. Our Hyerin.’
Hyerin gritted her teeth and glared at him.
“So you’re saying you don’t see me as a woman. That you can’t even get hard because of me?”
“…….”
Her blunt question finally made Jaeyoon look at her. His eyes seemed slightly redder than before.
“Prove it, then.”
“…….”
“If you get hard… I swear I won’t let you off easy.”
Hyerin muttered fiercely, and Jaeyoon swallowed hard, his body tensing up. She stared at his anxious face, then suddenly stood up from her seat. She slowly approached Jaeyoon and quickly pulled her top over her head, letting the thin knit fabric fall to the floor. Jaeyoon still refused to look at her, his gaze fixed on the now-empty seat across from him.
As expected, Jaeyoon showed no reaction, so Hyerin quickly took off her pants as well. Now, wearing only her underwear, she felt a chill run through her body. The cool air wasn’t entirely unpleasant, given the heat from the alcohol. Jaeyoon had pushed his chair back to offer her a ride, so he was sitting quite a distance from the table. Hyerin could have turned his head to face her, but instead, she chose to enter his line of sight. She gently pushed his glass aside and sat on the table right in front of him, making it impossible for him to avoid looking at her without turning his head.
Jaeyoon’s eyelashes fluttered, betraying his nervousness. Hyerin slowly unhooked her bra and tossed it to the floor. Something dark fluttered to the side, and he lowered his head, turning away. Despite his defensive reaction, Hyerin lifted her hips and slid off her remaining underwear. Now, she was wearing nothing but white socks.
She gently nudged his knee with her foot and climbed off the table, placing her hands on his shoulders.
“I won’t touch you down there,” she said.
“Please… stop,” he finally spoke, his voice a mix of exasperation and discomfort. But Hyerin was determined. She had already hit rock bottom and had nothing left to lose.
“Stop what? I haven’t even done anything yet,” she retorted, straddling his lap. She grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. His eyes were tightly shut, his expression pained.
“Look at me. Really look at me. That’s the only way I’ll believe you,” she demanded.
“……”
“It’ll only take 10 minutes,” she whispered, stroking his cheek. His face was flushed, perhaps from the alcohol or perhaps from something else.
“We can ruin our memories together, make it so uncomfortable that we never want to see each other again. Ten minutes is all it takes,” she continued, her voice soft but determined.
“I was drunk, and you were just unlucky enough to be there when I needed someone. It was just… bad timing,” she explained, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Please… don’t do this,” he begged, but Hyerin was relentless. She took his limp hand and guided it over her body, tracing her collarbone, shoulders, and the curve of her breasts. His hand was warm, leaving a trail of heat wherever it touched. She guided his hand down to her stomach, then lower still.
Finally, his fingers brushed against her most intimate place, but he made no move to explore further. His eyes were filled with a mix of anger and pain, but he didn’t pull away.
“You can just sit there. But if you want this to end quickly, then feel me, just once. If you still don’t see me as a woman, then I’ll let you go. I’ll say goodbye and never bother you again,” she promised, her voice trembling with emotion.
She let go of his hand, expecting it to fall away, but it remained where she had placed it, unmoving. He made no effort to touch her, but he didn’t pull away either. Hyerin let out a bitter laugh, her eyes flashing with anger and desperation.
“Fine… have it your way,” she muttered, her voice barely audible.
Hyerin whispered into his ear, placing both arms on his broad shoulders, and slowly moved her hips. The tip of Jaeyoon’s finger brushed against her entrance, and her clitoris rubbed against the curve of his palm. His hand was warmer than her body temperature, instantly heating her lower body. His hand was firm, supporting her as she made small movements, yet it felt like it was crushing her with its pressure.
“Ugh…..”
A pleasurable moan escaped her lips, whether from the alcohol or from Jaeyoon’s touch, she wasn’t sure. The sensation of his fingertip almost entering her was strangely thrilling, making the hairs on her head stand on end. Though it was her first time moving her hips like this, focusing on rubbing her clitoris against his hand made her movements surprisingly fluid. She could see his muscular body and the veins on his arms beneath his rolled-up shirt. The sight of her seemingly devouring him was strangely erotic.
Jaeyoon’s gaze was clouded, his eyes flickering between her neck, chest, and her moving hips. She didn’t care if he thought she was cheap. Their relationship was already tainted, beyond repair. If he had only used her to satisfy his desires, then she would do the same to him and pretend it never happened. Revenge, compensation, or desperation—she wasn’t sure what she felt, but her eyes stung with emotion.
Hyerin felt herself growing wetter, and she gently touched Jaeyoon’s reddened ear, lifting his slightly lowered head to meet his gaze.
“Show me your face. I want to see you,” she said.
“…….”
“Ah… Jung Jaeyoon, your hand feels so good.”
Hyerin smiled softly, her breath hot against his face. She had been prepared for a struggle, but he seemed helpless, enduring the moment like one might endure a natural disaster. He had never been cruel enough to push her away entirely. He always let her get close, right up to the edge, before turning away. That was Jaeyoon.
She felt her lower abdomen tightening and pressed her forehead against his collarbone, moving her hips more vigorously. Their bodies drew closer, and she could feel his heat and scent through his thin shirt—a warm, comforting smell mixed with a mature cologne.
“This is what I mean… ah… when I say I like you. Like this….”
Hyerin bit her lip, unable to finish her sentence. With Jaeyoon not looking at her, she didn’t need to hide her expression. The pleasure building from below made her mind go blank. She wanted to tell him that she had never been confused about her feelings, that she had always known she loved him, not as a brother, but as a man. However, time was running out.
“Ugh… I’ll forgive everything. You forgive me too… ah….”
Her hands gripped his shirt tightly, knuckles turning white. Her lower body was now soaked, the wet sounds of their movements filling the air. Shudders of pleasure ran up her spine, making her hips twitch occasionally. She buried her face in his chest, her lips trembling as she repeated the words that had been on her mind.
“I like you….”
She still loved this man who had confused her, turned away from her, and didn’t rely on her. This man who didn’t remember the night they spent together and who suddenly talked about a final goodbye.
Hyerin, who had been clinging to him with her face buried in his chest, felt a surge of emotion and straightened her back to look at him again. Jaeyoon’s eyes were tightly shut, his jaw trembling slightly. Though he didn’t show it, his body was also trembling slightly from her movements. His face was flushed, as if he were feverish.
Seeing his vulnerable expression, a memory of his words flashed through her mind.
‘Joo Hyerin, wake up.’
The words he had used to forcefully pull her out of hiding, when she had tried to escape from his overwhelming presence, echoed in her mind.
“Jaeyoon, open your eyes,” she said firmly.
Jaeyoon’s eyelashes fluttered as he reluctantly opened his eyes. His eyelids were wet and red, and his forehead glistened with sweat. She stared into his eyes as she moved her hips, feeling his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. Hyerin traced his throat with her fingers, then let her gaze wander over his face—from his dark eyebrows to his smooth, flawless cheeks, and finally to his lips, which stretched into a long line when he smiled.
“Can I ever forget…?” she murmured, the question slipping from her lips unbidden. Her body, flushed with heat, moved of its own accord, reaching a climax that left her breathless and trembling. The warmth that had been building in her belly finally overflowed, and she felt a rush of hot liquid between her legs.
“Ah…!” she gasped, biting her lip to stifle her moans. Her stomach clenched, and her thighs trembled with tiny spasms. She couldn’t hide the pleasure that coursed through her, but she refused to look away from Jaeyoon.
The game she had proposed was over, but they remained locked in each other’s gaze. His hand, still damp, remained motionless between her legs, and she gripped his shoulders tightly.
She could see the evidence of his arousal straining against his pants. Slowly, she reached down and traced the outline of his erection with her fingers. He was hard and hot to the touch.
Hyerin withdrew her hand and looked back into Jaeyoon’s eyes. They were glazed with desire and pain. She had no intention of teasing or hurting him further. The outcome was clear, but it changed nothing. She needed to hear the truth from him. She brushed her thumb gently across his lips and whispered, “Just be honest with me. Just this once.”
She was begging him now, her heart pounding in her chest.
‘Thank you… for always coming to find me.’
“I’ll come find you anywhere…” she promised.
Her words seemed to reach him, and his eyes flickered open, filled with a mix of emotions.
“Hyerin,” he murmured, his voice barely audible.
Her heart leaped at the sound of his voice. She smiled softly and nodded, encouraging him to continue. He took a deep breath and said, “I… I want to be a good person.”
It was a short sentence, but it was the first time he had truly opened up to her. Even though his words were meant to push her away, they lacked conviction.
“Too bad,” she replied softly. “You’re already a bad person, Jaeyoon.”
His eyes opened slowly, and the intensity of his gaze made her heart ache. This was the end of their relationship. They had already hurt each other too deeply to turn back.
“So am I,” she admitted.
She brushed her fingers gently across his cheek, then leaned in and pressed her lips to his. It was a soft, brief kiss, but it left a lingering warmth. Jaeyoon didn’t react, his expression blank as he stared at her.
“Why did I kiss you?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.
She didn’t know why she said it. In the childish game of playing with dolls, the prince and princess would kiss at the end, confirming their love for each other in a happy ending. She was curious about the intention behind it. Now, twenty years later, she found herself asking him the same question again.
Perhaps it was because the impending farewell kept bringing back memories of their beginning. She wondered if he still remembered that moment, which was like a treasure to her.
Suddenly, Jaeyoon’s lips moved slowly.
“…Because saying ‘I like you’ is embarrassing,” he said.
His answer, as if he hadn’t forgotten that day, made Hyerin’s eyes well up with tears. They soon spilled over, and she cupped his cheek, leaning in close. Their breaths mingled, and she could feel his warmth. She expected their lips to meet, but he remained still.
Why aren’t you pushing me away?
Run away.
Say no if you don’t want this.
Hyerin pressed her lips firmly against his, parting them to deepen the kiss. She gently explored his soft mouth and tongue. Despite the sudden, intense kiss, Jaeyoon responded gently, matching her movements. The sound of their tongues entwining and their racing hearts filled her mind. When she pulled away and looked at him, his eyes were heavy-lidded, as if he might fall asleep at any moment.
“Why do people kiss?” she asked again.
This time, it wasn’t a question from the past. She had no preconceived answers, no certainty that he would respond. Then, he exhaled a warm breath and spoke in a low voice.
“Because saying ‘I love you’… isn’t enough,” he said.
With that, Jaeyoon pulled Hyerin closer, kissing her deeply.
