No Need For Regrets

Chapter 53

Lexion didn’t respond.

With his head slightly bowed, Lexion’s face was shaded by long eyelashes casting dark shadows. Not saying anything at all, he seemed like someone who had forgotten how to speak.

It was a sight she hadn’t seen before.

“Is it… me?”

“Lexion, Duke.”

Seriniel’s face loomed over Lexion’s black eyes, as dark as the night.

Much had changed. Seriniel was no longer the cherished daughter of a viscount, and Lexion was no longer the child of a concubine treated like a burden.

Although it was a contractual relationship, soon Seriniel would become his wife, and he would be someone who could stand proudly by her side.

But the Seriniel reflected in Lexion’s eyes was still…

Beautiful, as always.

So, sometimes, she felt like she shouldn’t dare to covet him so brazenly.

Especially now.

“Please, answer me, Duke. I’m begging you.”

And after a considerable amount of time passed, Lexion quietly parted his dry lips.

“I’ve… seen you before.”

“…?”

“It’s become a long time ago, and you may have completely forgotten, but… I remember it clearly.”

Seriniel’s pupils flickered briefly.

He had seen me before? How?

But their first meeting with Lexion was only six months ago at the party.

“You wouldn’t know what that memory means to me.”

Lexion, with his head slightly bowed, spoke weakly.

“And I probably won’t recall it in the future.”

“Lexion, Duke.”

“I don’t want to talk about it in person. Because if you know…”

“…”

“You might feel sorry for me.”

Lexion drew a clear line.

…A pitiful existence that couldn’t fit in anywhere.

Beaten like a stray dog or cat roaming the streets, even in his debutante days where he participated without any knowledge or manners.

And even then, he had thought that he shouldn’t dare to covet her in any way. He shouldn’t dare to do that… He had thought so.

Because Seriniel didn’t want to recall those times again.

It was enough for him to remember alone. Even if she forgot everything, it didn’t matter because he hadn’t forgotten.

“But that day was just the beginning for me.”

Lexion’s voice sank heavily.

“There was a time when you asked me. If I held you in my heart.”

“Do you hold any affection for me? Or… any emotional attachment?”

Seriniel remembered clearly what she said to him then.

“I… no longer believe in anyone, nor do I intend to. Especially if the other person harbors any romantic feelings. I won’t ever do that again.”

And the next thing she said.

“…I didn’t think such a simple answer could explain my feelings. So, I couldn’t reply.”

“…”

“Sometimes, I hated myself for being nothing because of you, and I cursed myself for being powerless.”

That’s how it was then.

He thought he couldn’t reach Seriniel in any way. He shouldn’t dare to… He thought so.

“But then I wanted to forget completely. Because I found myself ridiculous and miserable, clinging to a memory of being nothing, just to live.”

What happened at the debutante ball was just sympathy.

The same feeling as giving alms to a stray dog or cat.

The warmth of the hand he held, the smile directed at him, even if it was vivid in his mind, it was a reality.

“…But I couldn’t erase that day completely.”

“…”

“Because there was only one moment I could cling to while living.”

“…”

“Because you were the only one who smiled at me.”

That’s why even if he knew it was sympathy, he couldn’t erase it completely.

“From the beginning, I didn’t intend to be constantly on the battlefield. You wouldn’t know, but I wanted to leave with my mother from the family.”

Such words…

I had never heard them before.

Seriniel listened silently, not saying a word, to Lexion’s story.

“But my mother passed away, leaving me alone in the family. I didn’t know what to do.”

“…”

“So, I went back to the battlefield. Even after I gained control of the family.”

Seriniel seemed to understand now. Why Lexion constantly kept returning to the battlefield.

It was because his heart was empty.

Therefore, because he didn’t know what to do…

“Dying didn’t scare me. Because I had no reason to live. But…”

“…”

“Every time I faced the brink of death, the only thing that came to mind was your name.”

So maybe he called out like that.

The name of Seriniel, which he had never dared to utter before.

“Perhaps I held onto foolish hope until the end.”

Lexion let out a weak sigh.

“Why…”

And then Seriniel parted her lips with a broken voice.

“Why are you… only telling me this now?”

If only Lexion had shared these stories a little earlier.

If he had…

Maybe something could have changed.

“Because you said you were happy.”

[“Are you happy? Seriniel Verdellet.”]

Lexion’s voice from six months ago, when he asked her in the carriage, passed by her ear.

“That was enough.”

Even the question he asked during that spring rain.

“If I’m happy… will everything be all right?”

“…”

“I didn’t… know anything…”

“That’s more than I could ever dare to wish for.”

“What else can I burden you with, when you’re happy?”

That’s why Lexion ultimately chose to remain silent. It seemed like the right thing to do.

“You… until the day you couldn’t answer my question about whether you were happy.”

If it hadn’t been for that day, he would have silently watched from afar and longed for her all his life.

If Calian had truly loved Seriniel until the end. If he hadn’t betrayed her… If that were the case, Lexion would never have reached out to Seriniel.

For him, what mattered most was not his own feelings but Seriniel’s happiness.

“I stopped fighting wars because of you. If you had just been happy, I would still be constantly fighting on the battlefield. Without any will, without any reason to live.”

But…

With a voice cracking from emotion, Lexion continued, “Not anymore.”

“…”

“So, I did all that. Because I wanted to keep you by my side. Because I couldn’t bear to see you unhappy.”

Seriniel remained silent, quietly gazing at Lexion.

For some reason, she felt like tears were about to fall.

“You can think of me as a dogged opportunist who only waited for a chance.”

Seriniel chuckled with a smile that seemed like tears might burst forth any moment.

“You don’t have to remember anything, and… you don’t have to love me.”

Lexion knew well.

That it wasn’t something that could happen just because he wished for it.

Even if he longed for Seriniel’s love, begged for it as if he were pleading for his life, it wouldn’t happen at his command.

Instead…

“You just have to stay by my side. Just like now.”

“…”

“As long as you’re by my side, you won’t fall into the same unhappiness as before.”

Lexion’s gaze on Seriniel was pitiful beyond measure. Seriniel didn’t know what to say in the face of Lexion’s sincerity, so different from what she had seen before.

“Someday, you’ll trust me.”

Lexion spoke with a lowered voice.

“And someday, a year from now, after several times have passed… Maybe you’ll say you’ll stay by my side. Without ever mentioning ugly words like divorce.”

After that story, Lexion remained silent for a while. He seemed lost in his own thoughts until he finally spoke again after some time had passed.

“For me, there have been countless things you don’t know about, but there’s only one thing I want from you.”

Sometimes, Seriniel felt like Lexion’s innocent affection, the one that reached out to her so naturally, could be detestable. And there were times when she couldn’t stand the thought of him, who she couldn’t even touch. It was difficult to summarize the emotions with just the feeling of love.

But now, what Lexion wanted from Seriniel was only one thing.

“Look at the me in front of you right now.”

“…”

“The me reflected in your eyes.”

Now, he wanted to set aside all those murky emotions…

He simply wanted to give love.

He wanted to be the only refuge for Seriniel, who had lost her way endlessly like she did in the past.

That was all.

“Can you… answer that?”