No Need For Regrets

Chapter 16

The hallway was pitch black.

“….”

Kina’s face was full of sleepiness as she stepped out briefly to attend to some business. She yawned quietly a few times and hurriedly walked back to her bed.

“Oh, by the way, it seems like the master has returned….”

Remembering the words of another maid she heard in her drowsiness, Kina smirked silently.

Calian sometimes come back drunk.

At first, Kina was worried. She wondered if Calian might do something bad to Seriniel in his drunken state. Like, wielding a dagger or something.

But that was unnecessary worry.

After having dinner with Seriniel, Calian immediately started mining in the mines. Because of his busy business, Calian couldn’t stay in the mansion as much as before.

It’s so pitiful for newlyweds.

Moreover, Kina knew very well. Seriniel desperately wanted Calian’s child.

So, for Kina, Calian returning home drunk like this was good news.

…On days like this, Calian would return to the mansion and have more drinks with Seriniel. And then they would fall asleep together. More accurately, it meant they had relations.

It wasn’t so difficult to notice that fact. After having relations with Calian, Seriniel would call for a doctor a few days later. Just in case, harboring some hope.

“You seem not feeling well these days….”

For some reason, Seriniel’s condition had been a bit strange for the past few days.

She didn’t tell me, a maid, but maybe it’s a concern she could easily confide in her husband, Calian.

After spending time together privately, the mistress’s mood will surely improve.

…With such thoughts in mind, as I was walking down the hallway.

“Huh?”

Stopping in my tracks, I looked at Kina’s puzzled expression. Her gaze was fixed on the end of the hallway.

Calian’s study.

Light was seeping out from the study.

“Why at this hour…?”

It was already late at night. Moreover, what business could there be for someone who returned drunk to be in the study?

Kina hesitated for a moment, then cautiously approached Calian’s study.

The moment of confusion for Kina’s face came immediately afterward.

“Mistress…?”

“Mistress, why are you suddenly like this…!”

With urgent steps, Kina rushed to Seriniel, who was crouching on the floor in front of the wide-open safe.

Seriniel was crying.

“What on earth…?”

Without finishing her words, Kina looked down at what was tightly held in Seriniel’s grasp.

“This is… why is something like this here…?”

Even if it wasn’t the name of the medicine written on the glass bottle above, Kina could tell. What kind of medicine it was. The reason was simple.

…In noble households, maids become more than mere laborers.

It meant they were entrusted with tasks that couldn’t easily be spoken of to others and tasks that shouldn’t be exposed.

The types were endless. Some asked for poison like the one Leraie had used on Seriniel, while others asked for cheap aphrodisiacs or hallucinogens.

And…

Some asked for medicine to prevent pregnancy after having relations.

Like the glass bottle held in Seriniel’s hand.

“…!”

Above the emerald eyes filled with anger, the black liquid shimmered and flowed.

[You remember the promise we made, right? Bed. We agreed not to have relations with Seri.]

Calian didn’t keep his promise with Leraie. No, he never did.

Even before drinking poison and dying, Seriniel occasionally had relations with Calian. On days like today when he came home drunk.

And on those days… Before having relations, Calian always urged Seriniel to drink.

[I want to set the mood with you.]

To Seriniel, who hardly drank alcohol, Calian always said such things. And then, he would silently watch as Seriniel reluctantly emptied her glass.

Every time, she took this medicine.

[Seriniel, do you have any worries?]

After dinner, not long after….

Leraie had mentioned it once. Why Seriniel didn’t look so bright.

[You haven’t had relations since the first night?]

With a face blushing heavily, Seriniel spat out her words. Could it be because you’re so innocent?

[You wanted to have a child, I knew that. It’s not really surprising.]

[That’s why I’m even more worried.]

[Men vary in their desires. Try to please him somehow. I don’t know if you’ll be able to do it well, but.]

[…Leraie?]

[And I’ll get you medicine to make sure the child comes. That’s as far as I can help.]

In the end, Leraie had mocked her too. Seriniel, who wouldn’t even have the chance to have a child. What she said about getting medicine was probably just a lie to feed her poison.

But Leraie was also deceived.

[Still, sometimes I want to have some different fun…..]

Since Calian didn’t keep his promise with her.

“Mistress, did you… did you take this? No… why is something like this in Master’s study?”

To the babbling Kina, Seriniel replied in a hollow voice.

“I took it. Keep going.”

“…What?”

“Do you know the safe’s password, Kina?”

As Seriniel stepped out of the bedroom, she went straight to Calian’s study. In this mansion, this was the only place he used personally.

It took some time even to locate this small safe. But the safe was locked.

Seriniel tried every number related to Calian without missing any. She couldn’t tell how many times she got it wrong.

And suddenly, there was a number passing through her mind like an arrow.

“Leraie’s birthday.”

“Yes…?”

“Interesting.”

Just as drunk Calian said, Seriniel began to laugh madly like a crazy person. Kina looked like she might burst into tears at any moment, but there was no room for such things in her eyes right now.

“Ha….”

With a hysterical laughter, transparent teardrops stained the floor of the study.

…It wasn’t sadness.

[Just do nothing and stay quiet…]

“….”

[After all, you can’t do anything…]

…It wasn’t crying out of sorrow.

[Calian, you made me into your pet, to do whatever you pleased…]

Yes, it’s enough if you just sometimes find amusement in it, like you said.

Such a cheap pet.

I wanted to kill them.

No, maybe I wanted to kill them and myself too.

Seriniel chewed her lips with all her might. Then she stood up abruptly.

“Mistress!”

Kina’s voice calling her name desperately from behind reached her ears, but Seriniel left the mansion without turning back.

⚜ ⚜ ⚜

The night air was cold.

“….”

Sitting on the ground, Seriniel’s emerald eyes had no focus as she gazed into the distance.

Seriniel didn’t move at all. Just quietly. She just stared at the edge of the cliff where nothing could be seen.

“Mom….”

From between Seriniel’s bloodied lips, a voice resembling a whimper flowed out.

Mom, Dad.

Not mother, father.

Except for when she was young and her parents were alive, she had never called them by such names.

It might seem ridiculous to someone unfamiliar with it, but there was nothing she could do.

Countless emotions, even the ground was not visible, swallowed Seriniel up in one gulp, and she couldn’t resist at all.

It felt like wandering in the vast ocean.

And in such a situation, the only beings she could call out to by name were her parents.

She couldn’t even tell Belles. She could never tell him the treatment she received.

“….”

The eyes of Seriniel, filled with the sea, were blank.

The reason Seriniel came here was simple.

Her parents died at this cliff.

The carriage, carrying Seriniel’s parents, stumbled and fell off the cliff, and that was the end of it.

Seriniel didn’t even find her parents’ bodies.

They were swept away by the waves as they were. All she found were the smashed parts of the carriage.

There was a grave, but it only contained the belongings her parents cherished, not their bodies.

So, Seriniel…

When things got too hard. When she wanted to escape. Or when she missed her parents so much that it hurt, she always came to this cliff.

Today was no different.

“We promised to live well together….”

It was almost like a pledge to herself, but still, they promised. Some time not long after her parents passed away, at this cliff.

Still, I promised to live well.

So don’t worry too much, don’t be too sad.

Just rest peacefully there.

But if my parents knew about my situation, what would they say?

Everything felt sinful, and everything felt like my fault.

I hated myself for being so foolish to trust Calian and Leraie without a doubt.

Even though she knew it wasn’t her fault, when her heart was broken. When it was torn apart, the easiest thing to do was to blame herself.

Even though she knew it was a foolish thing to do, she did it.

So Seriniel kept asking for forgiveness.

“….I’m sorry.”

Mom, Dad. I’m truly sorry.

Seriniel’s weak voice, mixed with the relentless sound of the waves, scattered into the air.

“….”

The anger that surged, the deep resentment, the fury… All mixed together into transparent tears, and Seriniel’s face was stained with them, lifelessly.

It felt like becoming a wretched being who had lost everything.

No, maybe that was the truth.

Seriniel sobbed.

And in the moment she was about to bow her head deeply again,

Someone’s hand quietly reached out in front of her.

In that large hand was a handkerchief.

“I don’t understand.”

Over the black eyes of Lexion, as dark as the deep sea, Seriniel’s face was reflected.

“Why do I keep seeing you like this?”

Am I dreaming right now?

But isn’t it too random for Lexion Rosenvester to appear in this dream?

Seriniel looked at Lexion with a vacant expression.

“Take it.”

And Lexion, who seemed to know nothing about Seriniel’s thoughts, extended the handkerchief once again and said.

“At least I don’t put poison on handkerchiefs.”

At Lexion’s words, Seriniel laughed weakly, unexpectedly.

Soon, Seriniel accepted Lexion’s handkerchief, and Lexion quietly looked down at her. He then sat down beside Seriniel. It was a cautious movement that didn’t match his size at all. Ironically.

Wiping her tears with Lexion’s handkerchief, Seriniel quietly toyed with it.

“….”

The heavy silence settled between the two sitting side by side.

“I’m not sure either.”

And the silence was broken… after quite some time had passed.

“Why do you always appear only when I’m like this?”

Yes, even the first time we met was like that. It was on the way back from Calian’s villa. I was crying and miserable that day, just like now.

“It sounds like you’re blaming me.”

“….”

“Why does it sound like you’re pretending not to know and passing by as if you know everything?”

“….It’s not something I blame Count Rosenvester for.”

Seriniel replied quietly.

“My life is entirely my responsibility, not Count Rosenvester’s fault.”

Lexion didn’t say anything.

“Of course, it’s curious why you always appear only when I’m like this. Anyway, it’s not pleasant to show this kind of appearance.”

“It might not have always been like that.”

Lexion replied seriously.

“When we met at Paul’s shop, you seemed relatively okay.”

“….”

“You seemed to have some determination.”

This time, Seriniel didn’t say anything.

“But not today.”

Lexion’s black eyes, filled with Seriniel, flickered briefly, and Seriniel quietly murmured.

“I wonder how I look now to you.”

Lexion had already noticed many things, and Seriniel knew that. Even if I say I’m fine, he won’t believe me.

Normally, I wouldn’t have asked such a question if it were Lexion Rosenvester… but it seemed like I was curious.

How stupid and pathetic I must look to Lexion, who has roughly grasped the situation.

“It seems like you want to blame someone.”

But the answer that came back was completely different from what Seriniel expected.

“Getting angry, being furious, gathering willpower… and then crumbling in an instant, feeling helpless and blaming oneself.”

“….”

“In the end, it feels like everything is my fault, and I’m shifting all the blame onto myself.”

Maybe it’s both.

Lexion said in a low voice.

And then he asked.

“So, why did you come here?”

Suddenly thrown question, Seriniel hesitated quietly.

“Because there’s no place to soothe your heart, no place to run away?”

Lexion seemed to know even the fact that this place was where Seriniel’s parents passed away.

So he was even more puzzled.

“….Then why are you here at this late hour, Count Rosenvester?”

“You’re always like this.”

Lexion smirked.

“You never give a proper answer to my question. Just answer with another question. Like someone who can’t trust anyone. Like someone who shouldn’t be trusted.”

“….”

“Or maybe you actually experienced something like that.”

It wasn’t just a simple guess. The question Seriniel threw at her wasn’t.

“Sometimes, things are not just as they seem.”

Lexion also knew that. It was about how neatly ‘they’ handled the incident. Moreover, Seriniel was even younger than she is now, and she must have been out of her mind after losing her parents overnight, so she couldn’t do anything.

And they probably wouldn’t have allowed it. The person who caused this incident.

In the end, Seriniel’s best bet was to demand a thorough investigation.

“If there was someone who could manipulate even those who investigate? So, if everything was manipulated.”

The reason why Lexion Rosenvester came to this place on a lonely late night was one.

To find solid evidence.

And to imagine the situation several times and try to get some clue from it.

But to Seriniel, who seemed to have collapsed completely, he couldn’t talk about such things. She would find out someday, but there was no need for her to know right now.

“There are days like that sometimes.”

“There are days like that sometimes.”

Instead, Lexion brought up a different story.

“I know perfectly well that it’s not my fault, but all I can do is blame myself.”

A story he had never told anyone else before.

“On days like that, when I want to hurt myself even… to give myself pain…”

At Lexion’s unexpected words, Seriniel unknowingly wore a vacant expression.

“When even the presence I can pour everything out to is not there, it gets worse.”

“….”

“But the more it becomes like that, the more I have to think only about what I can do right now. It’s easy to be swallowed by helplessness, but it’s difficult to get out of it. Especially as time goes on, it becomes even harder.”

This person is talking about his own story right now.

Seriniel sensed that fact intuitively. And she also sensed that Lexion’s reason for sharing such a story was also to comfort her.

“You’re making a face like you never expected such a story to come from me.”

“That’s…”

“Why? Do you see me as nothing but a mad killer even in your eyes?”

Lexion chuckled.

“Even so, it doesn’t matter much. That’s something I brought upon myself.”

“….”

“But all I could do back then, and all I had to do, was to go to war. That’s it.”

Even Lexion had days like Seriniel’s today.

Living as if clinging on desperately, unable to improve no matter how much he struggled, those days were still vivid in his memory.

Lexion chose to move forward.

He fought endlessly on the battlefield, and endlessly emerged victorious. With that as a foundation, he seized the Rosenvester duchy and changed everything. Covertly.

But without any thoughts, without any purpose, he didn’t choose to move forward.

On days when he felt overwhelmingly exhausted, Lexion…

Went to see a certain count.

He secretly watched the delicate girl visible through the window.

He heard her lovely laughter, and observed her twinkling eyes and flowing golden hair.

And then, he stood up several times.

…Even someone who could be a savior to someone who knows nothing can exist.

It sometimes evoked even greater thirst and sadness for Lexion…

But it was clearly a reason to live.

He couldn’t be that kind of presence for Seriniel…

But still, he could watch over her.

“I said I could do anything if you asked, but it seems like that’s not what you need right now.”

“….”

“I won’t ask anything today. It means I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

Seriniel didn’t say anything for a moment. She seemed lost in her own thoughts for a while, then she quietly met Lexion’s gaze and bit her lip.

“Other people might see Count Rosenvester as a mad killer, but I don’t.”

“….”

“At least, not at this moment.”

It wasn’t a lie.

Lexion was still incomprehensible and inexplicable, but…

Today, in this place.

If he had been alone until the end, it would have been even more dreadful.

That much was certain.

The fact that the one who had watched over her was none other than Lexion Rosenvester was somewhat amusing, but still.

“I don’t know why Count always shows me such kindness, but I won’t ask anything more today.”

“Why?”

“Today… I’m just tired.”

Turning her head, Seriniel murmured, staring at the darkened sea.

“So, I’m too… exhausted.”

“Then rest.”

Lexion replied briefly.

“If that’s what you want.”

With that, silence fell between the two again.

There was no more conversation. All that could be heard was the endless sound of the waves crashing.

But it wasn’t uncomfortable at all.

Rather, it felt like wandering alone in the vast ocean, relieving the loneliness.