No More Regrets, Just K*ll Me

[Warning: This material contains references to suicide and self-harm. If you or someone you care about is struggling, know that help is available. Contact a suicide prevention hotline to speak with someone who can provide support.] 

 

I stared at him, wide-eyed. He stood with his arms crossed, demanding answers.

 

“I, I don’t know…”

 

He raised an eyebrow.

 

“What?”

“I really don’t know *cough*!”

 

Again, speaking too long made my throat hurt. As I grimaced, Carlothian pulled out a notebook from his pocket and offered it to me.

I accepted the notebook without hesitation and scribbled a note on it.

 

[I don’t know why you’re upset.]

“Upset? Wait, now that I think about it, why are you so calm about this?”

[Because this isn’t my first time.]

 

His expression tightened slightly at my words. Feeling a bit nervous, I shifted my gaze. He’s handsome, but his demeanor is a bit scary. Ugh.

 

“Not your first time?”

[I’ve been through regressions before.]

 

Carlothian paused briefly at my statement, then asked with a puzzled voice.

 

“You’ve been regressing?”

[Yes.]

“……How many times?”

 

I began to ponder deeply. Honestly, I don’t remember well. I gave up counting after it exceeded fifty times.

 

[I don’t know. Maybe a hundred times?]

 

He looked at me seriously for a moment, then nodded slowly.

 

“Well… it seems we have indeed traveled back in time.”

 

I nodded in agreement and slowly raised a finger.

 

[There seem to be two main connections. First, that you killed me.]

 

He was the first person to ever kill me. Since I haven’t died by anyone else’s hand, that seems to be the most likely scenario.

 

“…….”

 

For some reason, he fell silent for a moment. But I wasn’t in a position to empathize with his feelings right now, as I was deep in serious thought.

 

[Perhaps the most relevant thing right now is that. And second, it could be influenced by your madness.]

“My madness?”

[Yes. The strange light emanating from Deathrotea seemed quite unusual.]

 

It would be nice if the reason for my death was simple, but he also had a peculiar trait.

 

‘Namely, that he suffered from some kind of madness.’

 

Maybe the issue isn’t just that he killed me, but that he himself is somehow connected to all this.

 

‘For now, it seems certain that Carlothian and this regression are connected.’

 

Because the regression point changed to when I first met him. If he had nothing to do with it, I didn’t think the regression point would change.

I picked up the notebook again and wrote more.

 

[So far, I’ve been the one to take my own life. This is the first time someone has killed me. So I thought it was more likely that you killed me and caused the regression, but I can’t overlook other possibilities either…]

 

His brow twitched at my writing. Why, what, what’s that look on his face? I feel unfair too.

I thought that if you killed me, that would just be the end of it!

 

“You’ve been taking your own life?”

[Yes.]

“…….”

 

For some reason, he closed his mouth again. What, why is he so unwilling to talk to me? I shook my head in disbelief and then scribbled another letter underneath it.

 

[So there’s something I want to check out, and I was wondering if you could kill me one more time……]

 

Can you? I tried to write it down, but he quickly snatched the notebook away. He silently looked down at the notebook and asked me in a low voice,

 

“You’ve regressed a hundred times.”

 

I nodded.

 

“And you regress each time you die.”

 

Again, I nodded. He lifted his gaze and looked at my neck.

 

“Every time you kill yourself…”

 

His words trailed off. Since I couldn’t understand, I approached him. What was he trying to ask?

I held out my hand as if to ask for the notebook, but he just shoved it back into his pocket.

How frustrating!

As I stared at him dumbfounded, Carlothian shook his head and said to me,

 

“…My madness began after I received Deathrotea.”

‘Because of the sword?’

 

I recalled the strange light emitted by the sword at that time. The purple glow was definitely suspicious.

 

“That sword was granted by His Majesty… wasn’t it?”

“That’s right.”

‘Why would such a sword…’

 

Be given to him? I furrowed my brow. Carlothian stared at my brow. Why are you looking at my eyebrow? What is it?

“This sword has been without an owner for a long time. Then, after creating a name for himself throughout the war, my father was handed that sword. Perhaps this madness is associated with…”

“You didn’t know?”

 

I’m quite suspicious. And that intuition of mine is kicking in right now. No matter how I think about it, it seems like they knew but handed it over anyway.

Even I would have wanted to quickly pass off that cursed sword to someone else, no matter what. I twirled my hair and said to him,

 

“First of all, congratulations on being tangled up in my regression.”

“…You’ve got some nerve.”

“Oh, come on, cough. I don’t understand it either.”

“So, what do we do now?”

“Hmm, there is one thing I’m certain about.”

“What is it?”

 

I grinned widely and spread my arms.

 

“You—killing me.”

“Again with that?”

 

A strange disdain flickered in his eyes. Perplexed, I continued.

 

“Because you killed me, cough. It changed something.”

“What changed?”

“The point of regression.”

 

I looked at him with sparkling eyes. He stared straight back at me.

 

“The point of regression?”

“My ex-husband, no. Duke.”

 

I stepped closer and firmly grasped one of his hands with both of mine. I’ve made up my mind.

 

“After dying at your hand, I realized—ah, you might be able to stop my regression.”

 

It was mainly because of my voice, but I didn’t intend to explain it to him in detail.

 

‘Who would know I wanted to die because I lost my voice?’

 

He wouldn’t understand anyway.

But if I could regain my voice, I could endure dying several more times.

 

“Please kill me.”

“…….”

 

Carlothian remained silent for some reason.

 

“If you kill me one more time, then I’ll know for sure. Whether you can stop this time loop or not…”

 

Saying so, I tightly held his hand. But the hand I held was trembling slightly.

I had never seen him like this before, so I lifted my head to look at his face.

 

“…Don’t make such a request to me.”

 

His eyes were filled with pain. It felt like both discomfort and fear. His black pupils were shaking like his hands.

What? What’s going on? Wasn’t killing someone an easy task for him? Especially someone like me.

But when those eyes changed to sadness, I read that emotion and became a bit flustered.

 

“I…….”

 

His voice was low and hoarse. That tone sounded almost…

 

“I… I don’t want to become a husband who killed his wife.”

 

He sounded hurt. I realized it too late.

 

“Ah…….”

 

The cause of death for the previous Duke and Duchess.

 

☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 𐦍 ☾𖤓 ☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 𐦍 ☾𖤓

 

Carlothian remembered.

The memory of a day so long ago, so long ago, but he couldn’t forget it even if he wanted to.

It was the day his father returned victorious from the war.

In his hand, he had a sword bestowed upon him by the emperor, Deathrotea.

Young Carlothian fell asleep with his mother in his father’s bedroom after a long time.

If only, if only they hadn’t. At least, if they had been in their own rooms, such a tragedy would not have happened.

 

“Hmph, hmph…….”

 

Carlothian opened his eyes at the soft groan. He thought it was a strange sound.

 

“……Mother?”

 

The small groan belonged to his mother.

What he saw before him was his father strangling his mother.

From his father’s throat came a sound like a growling beast.

His mother’s hands were clutching his father’s wrists, and they were trembling.

Oh, Carlothian froze with just his eyes open. Like a fool, he just watched that scene. 

𝑺𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒏 𝑲𝒐-𝒇𝒊