It was close to dawn when my gloomy consciousness returned. As the moonlight filtered through the papered windows, I thought to myself that today was indeed a good day to die.
* * *
Once I made up my mind, there was no need to drag it out. I whipped my wobbly body into shape and got up from the bed. Although my weakened body was of little use, I didn’t feel frustrated, considering it was soon to be over.
“I wanted to tidy up before leaving….”
The room was filled with all sorts of precious jewels, gold and silver, and rare treasures. Despite my efforts to tidy up since receiving the decree, there were still many of His Majesty’s possessions left to organize.
Most of what remained were things I had received and then discarded after being cast aside, but there were still some left from the time I was favored. Eventually, those would be things my daughter would have to tidy up.
Among them, I immediately picked up the letter that arrived yesterday afternoon. What I felt in my hand was the fine silk that would be astonishing to wear, and what came out when I untied the string, the words were cast in gold. It was such an unreasonable extravagance that I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Such things should only be used for state occasions….”
At first glance, it was a splendid and beautiful letter that could easily be mistaken for a victory report. However, having received countless similar items after being discarded, I already knew that what lay within were likely criticisms, anger, and reprimands.
“Receiving the favor of heaven is too burdensome for a human, Your Majesty.”
His Majesty’s favor had always been like this. Intense, erratic, and poured out in a way I could never understand. Half of my life was spent receiving this affection, which was sometimes exhausting, sometimes reassuring, and sometimes… simply pleasant.
But now, I was just tired.
“What did I do to deserve such irritation?”
Even upon reflection, I couldn’t understand what I had done so wrong.
Was it really such an urgent matter to quickly select a crown prince to prevent conflicts between potential successors? So much so that I was to be reprimanded to this extent?
“Was it truly deserving of such punishment, Your Majesty?”
Continuing to… ponder over all the various valuable items bestowed upon me by His Majesty, the items that would become my legacy, I couldn’t help but question.
Was it poor phrasing, bad timing? Or should I have just closed my eyes and mouth and lived like that.
Yes, maybe I should have done that. Pretended not to see, not to hear. Maybe then, I would still be proudly displaying my authority, shaking the world.
But what use would that have been now, when I have been dismissed and confined to my home, and the court is in chaos?
For ten years, the succession issue that had been simmering under the surface had finally erupted last year.
Even as everyone around me was swept away, I stubbornly persisted, stating that all this instability was due to the lack of a clear successor and urging them once again to promptly decide on one.
─And this is the result. After I was dismissed, I was honored with the task of tidying up. It’s called an honor, but it’s nothing short of exile.
Nevertheless, I wasn’t worried because His Majesty continued to send me letters. Those letters were made of silk more precious than the ones used for clothes, and the words were written in gold.
I was certain that His Majesty’s anger would eventually subside. Even if I was left with a grudge and received a slightly lower rank, I knew I could return. If it was shameful to have my rank lowered, I would have been dismissed as well. I would be content to live like a frog in a well on my estate. At least I could live like a Queen in my own land.
… What I worried about was my illegitimate daughter. My only daughter, who had just barely passed the age of majority. My successor. My only family.
The political world is in turmoil now, to the point where it would be fortunate to receive confinement as punishment. In the midst of everyone involved in the succession struggle being swept away, even if they were only suspected of saying a word, half of our family members have already been dismissed or punished.
It is only a matter of time before my daughter, who has just entered the civil service, gets caught up in this situation. I cannot tell my daughter to quit her job and come back. In this situation, asking her to quit her job could be seen as an intention to rebel.
But I can’t leave her in the center like this either. If I do, it is only a matter of time before His Majesty’s anger reaches my daughter. I am currently at home under the pretext of my illness, but if this drags on, even that could become an excuse.
So the only choice I have left is to die in my daughter’s place. If I am alive, even if His Majesty forgives me, his favor will only return to me. But if I die. Then His Majesty would forgive my daughter in my place, wouldn’t he?
So I calculated the best time to die after being ordered into confinement. It can’t be too early, because if I die when His Majesty’s anger is fierce, I will not be favored but rather inherit his anger.
It can’t be too late either, because if I die after His Majesty has already calmed down, he will not feel sorry for my daughter.
That is why I have been calculating so thoroughly. I have even stopped crying for the past few days in order to do so. All that is left is to finish it in one breath.
“The last thing…”
My gaze stopped on the letter I was holding in my hand. Yes, this would be a good thing to decorate the end with. It is too precious to end with the memories of the good times I had.
I bowed deeply to the last page.
“May Your Majesty enjoy a long and prosperous reign.”
However, I pray that there will be no more gods in His Majesty’s reign.
Love, hate, and anger will all be carried by the gods in the afterlife. So, never again. Whether alive or dead, may I never even brush my shoulders against the hem of his robe.
That’s all I fervently wish for from the gods.
* * *
[….Then she met her end, at the age of sixty-five. With the death of Yi Baek-ryeon, the Jin Empire began its path to destruction.]
I read the last line as if engraving it into my memory and closed the book.
I was reading “The Tale of Yi Baek-ryeon.” It was a biography of a figure from the Jin Empire, which had fallen 1,500 years ago.
And it was my previous life.
“Well, it’s definitely a tearjerker…….”
‘Yi Baek-ryeon’ was my previous life, but the recorded version and my true death were a bit different.
The record describes her dying from a chronic illness, but I actually committed suicide.
It was not surprising that the record was not entirely accurate. It was not my fault, and I was kicked out for suggesting that the two most powerful people, who wielded absolute power, should choose their successor properly. So, it should not be surprising that I committed suicide.
However, I wondered how many people actually knew the true reason for my death.
My daughter must have been present when my body was retrieved, so she knew. She couldn’t have done it alone, so two or three maids must have known too.
“But what about you?”
I wondered what the Emperor thought. It was difficult to be sure.
Normally, he would have known. He would have come to my funeral and seen my body. But what was it like then? When he was still filled with unrequited love, unreasonable anger, and irrational accusations.
Did he come to see me then? Or did he turn his back on me until the moment I was buried?
“……Oh, well, whatever.”
I shook my head and cleared my thoughts. Well, who knew about my death, it doesn’t matter now.
It’s time for everyone who knew and didn’t know to return to the earth equally. It’s time for me and the empire to perish and 1,500 years to pass.
I really wanted to say “what’s the use now?” even though I had so desperately wished for the Emperor’s long life and the eternal prosperity of the empire.
I just hope that, unlike me, the Emperor’s end was peaceful. Without regret or remorse.
I was about to get up after confirming what I wanted to confirm and praying for belated peace, when I encountered a very big problem.
“I guess I have to wait until someone comes…….”
The fact that my feet couldn’t reach the floor. I had just realized this fact, as the nanny had even picked out a book for me and helped me sit down when I first came to the library.
That’s right. I, who was recorded as an undefeated general, a loyal subject of unparalleled loyalty, and a wise statesman of the century, ‘Yi Baek-ryeon’ was now a three-year-old child. I couldn’t even get down from the chair by myself.
* * * *
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