After Erhan left the room, I wrapped myself in a blanket on the bed.
I think this will calm the tremors even a little. I gripped the blanket tightly as if it had become a shield to protect me.
It was sad… That I’m relying on a thin blanket even though I know it can’t protect me.
As I closed my eyelids, the memories I didn’t want to recall unfolded like a panorama. I have a hunch that it was an inevitable kind of thing.
All I could do was hope that the memories passed as quickly as possible.
As my body relaxed as if giving up, I slowly fell into the nightmare of the past.
ꕥ
The funeral was over in a blink of an eye.
I’ve been trying to deny it for so long. The parting wasn’t so easy but it went fast. I stared at my parents buried in the ground.
The development of the cure, which I studied with Arcandus, failed. No, to be precise, it was incomplete. Because my parents left me before the cure was completed.
If my knowledge of herbs had been perfect, wouldn’t I have been able to complete the cure on time?
What if I had informed my aunt that my parents were ill and received financial support? At least I could have bought time to take the medicine.
My aunt didn’t know that my parents had fallen ill until after my mother died. It’s because I was stubborn and insisted that I didn’t want to bother my aunt.
In the end, however, I only deprived my aunt of a chance to say her final goodbyes to my mother.
If I had known it would be like this…
Endless regrets flooded in like a tide, and my head was dizzy.
I had a terrible headache… But regretting it didn’t change anything. All I have left was a bitter-cold reality.
“We’re your family from now on, Leen.”
I looked at the aunt in front of me with empty eyes.
I think she just said something.
I don’t know…
Actually, I didn’t even want to know.
I just… I just wanted to lie in bed and sleep.
The moment I opened my eyes I faced a terrible reality. I still couldn’t believe my parents were dead.
At least I didn’t have to suffer as much as when I went to sleep. Because I could simply forget everything. If I’m lucky, I’d be able to see my parents healthy in my dreams.
“No. We’ve always been a family, so I think what my aunt just said was wrong.”
My aunt’s mouth was smiling. But her eyes, engulfed in sorrow, were portraying the sadness so clearly.
Despite being my mother’s sister, starting with her personality, I didn’t think there was any resemblance at all.
Somehow, my mother’s face overlapped with my aunt’s. It was difficult for me to keep eye contact. I finally lowered my head and pulled my aunt’s sleeve.
“I want to be alone.”
“…Yes.”
The answer came not from my weeping aunt, but the Count. He quietly hugged me. A warm hand rested over my dry eyes. It was awkward and clumsy.
“You’ll feel better after you sleep.”
I wanted to ask. ‘Can I feel better after sleeping?’
If it could be solved so easily, why didn’t I force myself to sleep earlier?
It hurts so much…
It’s so painful.
Why?
It didn’t take long to realize why. Because what the Count said was a blatant lie.
No matter how much I slept, I never got better. Nevertheless, I continued to sleep. For me, being awake was hell and a nightmare.
So I slept like that. Fortunately, no one said anything about me sleeping.
Everyone in the Count sympathized and pitied me. When I woke up, I cried. After crying for a long time, I was exhausted and repeated that life.
I think I lived like that for about a year. I became accustomed to the rotten emotions and gradually became numb to the pain. I no longer shed tears when I awake. It may be right to express that there are no more tears to shed.
And then, one day. Someone knocked on my locked door.
“Sister, let’s play.”
It was my Aunt’s second son, Luca, a year younger than me.
Naturally, I ignored his tapping. My aunt and the Count visited me several times, but in the end, they returned as I didn’t respond to them.
No different than Luca. I woke up thanks to the knock, but it wasn’t difficult for me to fall asleep again after sleeping all day.
“I don’t think you’re in the mood to play right now. I’ll be at the door until you feel better.”
It was as if I heard something in my sleep.
…It would have nothing to do with me.
It was when I woke up to the startling voice of the maid.
“Why are you crouching down here? Oh, my! Look how cold you are! How many hours have you been here?” Said the maid.
“It hasn’t been long,” Luca answered.
“I know you’re lying!”
“It’s a short time compared to the time my sister didn’t leave her room.”
“Young Master Luca. I’m sorry, but even if you wait a few more days, Miss Leen…”
“Shh… Be careful what you say. You never know that.”
“I’m sorry. I think I made a slip of tongue. But your body is very cold. Don’t you think you should go somewhere warm…?”
“Just a little more.”
“If the master gets sick, the Count and his wife will be sad.”
There was silence for a while at those words, and no sound could be heard. Luca leaned closer to the door and spoke in a louder voice than when he did talking to the maid.
“Sister. I will come again tomorrow.”
Soon after, I heard footsteps leaving in front of the door and the surroundings became quiet.
…I opened my eyes a little.
His words repeated like echoes in my ears, disturbing my sleep.
‘I’ll be at the door until I feel better.’
I thought I didn’t hear that.
Actually, maybe I just wanted to pretend to not hear him. I couldn’t help but open my eyes until I could no longer hear his voice.
It was the first day I couldn’t sleep since I entrusted the Count’s words.
ꕥ
From that day on, Luca came every day as if taking attendance stamps.
The door was tightly closed as usual, but Luca didn’t mind. Even a few days ago, he brought a children’s fairytale book and read it aloud. As if to let me hear it.
…Reading it loudly.
When I rolled up a tissue and put it in both ears, Luca’s voice became faint as if almost inaudible.
I fell asleep again, contented with it. After a few more weeks, I naturally woke up at the time Luca came.
Unable to resist, I approached the door nervously. Planning to pour out sharp words. Suddenly, a phrase Luca was reading echoed in my ear.
“The boy who was hurt by the girl’s words never looked for her again.”
The timing was not good. Doesn’t it sound like a word aimed at me?
…Yes. It wouldn’t be good to pour out harsh words to a younger brother, even if it’s a year apart.
I sighed deeply and rested my forehead on the doorstep and spoke in a ruthless tone.
“If you want to read it out loud, just read a book of herbs instead of fairy tales.”
Maybe because it’s been a while since I spoke, the voice that came out of my throat was a little strange.
It seems that I have rested a bit. Still, it was not difficult to grasp the meaning and understand it.
Perhaps surprised by the sudden voice, there was no word heard through the door for a while.
“…Eh. Who reads something so boring?”
After waiting for several dozen seconds, that was the only answer I heard.
“Don’t ever come back again.”
I went straight to bed and pulled the covers up to my head. Again, it wasn’t about dealing with him.
ꕥ
After telling him not to come again, he didn’t look for me afterward.
As time passed, I might have regretted what I said a little bit.
But it’s already spilled… How many months have passed like that?
When regrets fell. Luca suddenly appeared and greeted me casually.
After summer vacation, I went to the academy. As soon as winter break came, he came to me again.
Before going to the academy, I should have spoken a little bit. There was resentment, but I thought it was fortunate that Luca didn’t stop because of my words.
Luca went out to read a children’s fairy tale book, just like a few months ago.
If I had said that, he would have read the herbal medicine book at least once. I was stubborn in a strange place.
It was around the time when the end of the story was approaching, and, as usual in fairy tales, ‘They lived happily ever after.’
“Luca?”
Someone’s appearance didn’t bring the story to a conclusion.
“You’re here again?”
“Yes, I was talking to my sister.”
Erhan’s bewildered voice could be heard.
“Isn’t it hard to say that your monologue is a conversation?”
“No, I’ve talked to my sister before!”
“What? Really?”
I could easily guess that he was looking at my door. He must have wondered what kind of wind suddenly blew.
“More than that, aren’t you bored in the hallway alone, Luca?”
“How can you say that I’m alone? I have my sister here.”
“Leen doesn’t answer.”
“Then, brother, stay with me every day. As I entered the academy, the time we could spend together decreased a lot, right?”
“…Well.”
He seemed troubled, but surprisingly, the answer came out quickly.
“Yes, it’s my brother’s request. There’s nothing I can’t do!”
“Wow!”
“But you know I don’t have a lot of time because I have a set schedule every day, right?”
“Yes, I know!”
‘Phew’, I sighed deeply.
There seemed to be one more annoying person. Erhan’s words were not an answer to save the day.
He started visiting my room with Luca every day. If there’s one more difference, now, instead of reading a children’s book, we had a normal conversation.
“Luca. Did I see something great this morning? I wonder what it is.”
“Yes, I’m curious! What is it?”
“My mother went to the kitchen to make cookies…!”
“What?! You were just watching that?”
“Pft, hahaha! What’s with that look on your face that the world seems to have collapsed? Mother will be disappointed when she sees it.”
“Then you can eat everything that’s served for me.”
“…I’m sorry. But I stopped her from making cookies, so please let it slide.”
“Ugh… Yes, you seem to be deeply reflecting on yourself, so I’ll be generous this time!”
I heard a small laugh from Erhan, probably because Luca, who pretended to be serious sounding stern, was cute.
It was a conversation that felt just how close the two of them were just by listening to them. I felt a twinge in my stomach…
