Chapter 20
Waiting for the right moment to get someone’s true feelings out is the most reasonable and low-risk approach, even if it takes time.
But today, I was emotional, impulsive, and impatient. Just being around this woman shook me like this.
“…I heard you’ve been through a lot, but you seem cheerful.”
So, I spoke first, knowing that my hostility might come across.
But we were never meant to like each other anyway. Maybe showing some resentment would seem more natural.
That’s how I justified my weakness.
“I was a little surprised when I saw how happy you were to see me. I would think you’d hate me quite a bit.”
I smiled as I said it, and Raina’s face stiffened. I silently watched her reaction.
What kind of person are you? How will you respond?
Will you put on a perfect angelic mask? Or will you reveal your shallow thoughts right away? Or will you react in some other unexpected way?
Or… could it be that you’re just a woman genuinely in love?
Then, with a trembling yet overly calm voice, Raina replied,
“If I get scared, it will only make Bern suffer more.”
She then gave me a pale smile.
“So, I’m fine.”
And she looked straight at me with an unreadable expression.
“How could I possibly hate you? I’m just the nanny’s daughter.”
For a moment, I lost my words.
Her face, almost like a saint from a church painting, was emotionless in a strange way.
The soft sunlight from the dim hallway traced the outline of her pale skin. Her lips were slightly parted as if she wanted to say something but held back.
And her eyes—honey-colored—held too many mixed emotions for me to read them properly.
Was she… blaming me?
For the first time, I thought, How dare you?
Then, the thought hit me: She’s a human.
And it felt heavy.
I couldn’t immediately find the words to respond—confused, irritated, unsure.
A brief silence stretched between us.
“…….”
“…The hallways are complicated. Follow me carefully.”
Raina broke the silence easily and continued walking ahead. But unlike her, I couldn’t move on so simply.
My mind was tangled.
I thought I had already realized that Raina wasn’t an object, wasn’t just an obstacle—she was a person.
But only now did I truly understand it.
And people… even when you’re looking at them, even when you’re talking to them, they’re impossibly difficult to understand.
One thing was clear, though.
‘We are bound by a terrible fate. And it seems she feels the same way.’
On that, we could agree.
‘I’ve hated you since the moment I first heard about you. From then until now. Always.’
For daring to step beyond your place, for tormenting me—
And now, for blaming me for it all.
For making me realize how arrogant and ugly I truly am.
‘If it weren’t for you, I could have gone on believing I was kind, wise, and just.’
Some truths are better left unknown.
But even knowing this, I had no intention of letting go of my privileges, and my advantages.
Why should I?
Still, the fact that I wasn’t completely right sat like a thorn in my chest.
I wanted to close my eyes.
To be only angry.
To hate her completely.
But that’s the problem with people—
No, maybe it’s just my problem.
The moment I face someone, even a little, I start to understand them.
It made me feel sick.
Seeing her face—those eyes looking at me—I hated that I couldn’t bring myself to fully despise her.
‘But would giving up on my revenge make me happy?’
I knew the answer.
‘No. I know it wouldn’t.’
So, I came to a quiet conclusion.
All these thoughts—
They don’t matter.
They won’t change my actions or my decisions.
They are nothing but wasted energy.
Sitting together in silence, I chose my words carefully.
The air between us was already heavy with the feelings that silence had revealed.
There was no point in pretending anymore.
Raina also looked uncomfortable, as if she had shown too much of herself.
“Do you like any particular tea? Though, of course, I doubt we have the kind nobles would prefer…”
She busied herself with the tea, trying to act casual, but her voice wavered.
“…I don’t need tea.”
But I understood.
I didn’t want to, but I did.
The silence from before had made everything too clear.
Sometimes, a single moment speaks louder than a thousand words.
That moment in the hallway had done just that.
Neither of us wanted to prolong this.
So, I spoke directly.
“If you could marry Bern, would you?”
Her eyes wavered.
“…What are you saying, Lady Carmilla?”
I curled my lips. Why did I hate hearing her call me that?
When Lysdel says it, it sounds so different.
But from her, it felt like she was pressing on my weaknesses.
“Didn’t you say love was everything? That you would do anything for Bern? Would you go to hell for him?”
That wasn’t the line I had prepared.
I had planned to promise her heaven with the sweetest voice.
But I didn’t.
No—there was no need to.
So instead, I asked her directly.
“I’ll be your angel. I’ll give you the chance.”
A chance that might kill you, that might break you—
But if you truly love him, would you still walk into hell?
I smiled sweetly, like offering candy.
“Then I’ll be your fairy godmother.”
All you have to pay is pain.
I had realized something earlier.
There was no point in pretending to be her friend.
No point in acting.
So, I was honest.
This was, perhaps, my twisted form of kindness.
Raina was silent for a moment before she slowly asked,
“…Why are you giving me this chance?”
I closed my mouth.
I couldn’t say, Because you made me suffer, and the only way to free myself is to destroy you in return.
So, I told a fragmented truth—
One no one would truly understand.
“Because if I don’t free myself, I can’t be happy.”
She clearly didn’t understand.
But that didn’t matter.
After meeting with Raina, I went to see my parents.
I had already asked for a meeting in advance, so they were waiting for me in the parlor with tense expressions.
They must have heard about my meeting with Bern.
They probably already knew this wouldn’t be a pleasant conversation.
And then, I dropped the bomb.
“Father, Mother. I want to forgive Bern.”
My mother’s face darkened, and my father clenched his teeth.
“That bastard slapped you. And you still want to marry him?”
I answered expressionlessly.
“No. I won’t marry him. I want to help him marry his lover—Raina.”
My father’s face went red with anger. He opened his mouth to shout but then—
Our eyes met.
And he stopped.
For the first time, my father looked at me with an expression I had never seen before.
Ah. That’s right.
I had always controlled my expressions in front of my parents.
I had always wanted to be a good daughter.
But now—
I felt empty.
I had no expression to show them anymore.
My father sat down heavily, covering his face with his hands.
A heavy silence filled the room.
“Are you serious?”
This time, it was my mother who spoke.
I glanced at her—
My mother, whom I loved.
The mother who tried to love me.
And the mother who, in the past, had stood aside and watched from a distance.
“Yes. I am.”
Did my words carry resentment? Or pain?
Could I not be happy without holding on to the past?
I was no longer a good daughter.
But I didn’t feel sorry.
Not when I had been alone in my suffering.
“Were you really that miserable…?
Did you love Bern that much?”
