What state of mind did I return home in?
Kisa sat before her dressing table, gazing silently into the mirror. Her bright blonde hair, inherited from her mother, and her blue eyes, from her father, looked the same as always.
However, Kisa Vansfelt, known as the flower of high society and boasting striking features, looked exceptionally haggard today. Her skin lacked luster, and dark circles shadowed her eyes.
It was only natural. Kisa hadn’t slept a wink the previous night. She couldn’t possibly have slept peacefully after what happened.
“Miss, how long are you going to remain lost in thought?”
At that moment, a middle-aged woman carrying a washbasin entered Kisa’s room. She was the nanny who had cared for Kisa since she was a baby.
“Nanny, what brings you here? Is Marsha unwell?”
It was Marsha, the maid, who usually brought Kisa’s washbasin.
“No. I happened to see you, Miss, and took the basin from Marsha on my way here.”
“Is it because of yesterday?”
“Yes. I heard from Marsha that you went to Ipeach Street last night, Miss. Why did you do that? If the Count hears about it, you might be scolded.”
Recalling her strict and stern father’s face, Kisa lowered her eyes.
“Did Father find out?”
“No. Fortunately, he said he had a late meeting about business matters yesterday.”
After placing the washbasin on the dressing table, the nanny gently brushed Kisa’s hair.
“Now, tell me. What was the reason for going to a place you never usually go to? And you returned so late at night.”
Kisa knew. The nanny truly cared for her, but she was also a loyal servant of Count Vansfelt’s household.
If the nanny found out, the Count would inevitably find out as well. Kisa didn’t want to tell her father about what happened yesterday.
“It’s nothing.”
Knowing that this alone wouldn’t deter the nanny’s persistent questioning, she added a convenient excuse.
“I went to see Daniel.”
“Master Daniel?”
Daniel’s father, Marquis Lowens, had a long-standing and close friendship with Count Vansfelt. Their close relationship even led to betrothing their children.
In any case, the two children often visited each other’s homes as children, following their fathers, and the nanny was relatively familiar with Daniel.
“Yes, I haven’t seen Daniel lately. At the tea party I attended yesterday, the topic of our engagement came up, and suddenly I felt a strong desire to see Daniel.”
Every time she uttered Daniel’s name, the memory of yesterday made her heart ache.
However, she had no choice but to deceive the nanny. With her thorough knowledge of Kisa, a flimsy excuse would be easily suspected.
“Hmm, I see. I hear that young noblemen like Master Daniel frequent such places.”
Fortunately, the nanny seemed to believe Kisa’s excuse. After all, Kisa had rarely lied to her nanny.
“Still, it wasn’t proper behavior. You went to such a place without an escort. What if something had happened?”
“I’m sorry, I was in a hurry.”
Perhaps her haggard appearance evoked sympathy, as the nanny spoke in a gentler tone.
“Yes, well, it’s all Master Daniel’s fault. Why is he so busy that he doesn’t even spend time with his fiancée? He’s been away for a long time studying abroad.”
“……That’s true. He’s a terrible person.”
“Exactly. He used to have a cute side, but now…”
Then, while continuing to criticize Daniel, the nanny suddenly exclaimed, “Ah.”
“So, you didn’t meet Master Daniel in the end? And that’s why you look so terrible?”
Gratefully, the nanny provided a reason for Kisa’s poor appearance, so Kisa simply agreed.
“Yes, I waited at the teahouse Daniel often visits, hoping to see him, but it wasn’t a day he usually goes, so I didn’t meet him.”
“My goodness. If he has time to go to tea, he should at least show his face to his fiancée. Anyway, that’s that. This time I’ll let it slide, but you mustn’t act like that again.”
“Why?”
“Yes?”
“Why should I not?”
“Th-that… ”
Surprised by Kisa’s reaction, the nanny stammered. Even Kisa herself was somewhat surprised by her own question. Why was that? Usually, Kisa would have obediently nodded to the nanny’s instructions.
“No, I asked a silly question. Of course, one shouldn’t go to such places casually.”
When Kisa changed her words, the nanny looked relieved and urged her.
“Yes, you know it well. Now, hurry and wash your face. It’s almost time to leave. Remember you have to attend the Duchess of Darion’s piano recital today?”
“Yes.”
Kisa splashed her face with warm water and dried it with the towel the nanny gave her. Once she finished washing, the nanny picked up the washbasin and was about to leave the room.
“Actually…”
Suddenly, Kisa unconsciously grabbed her.
“What is it, Miss?”
“……Am I perhaps not very intelligent?”
“Intelligent?”
“Yes, Nanny has watched over me since I was little, so I wondered what you thought.”
“Why are you asking that all of a sudden?”
“I just became curious. Lately, I keep losing at bridge. Is my mind not working well?”
“My, Miss. Don’t worry about it over a mere card game.”
The nanny smiled cheerfully, showing no sign of concern.
“Don’t worry. You’re intelligent enough, Miss. Your etiquette teacher, writing teacher, dance teacher, and music teacher all praised you highly.”
“But I don’t know much about history or philosophy. I never studied them separately.”
“Excuse me? Why would you need to know those things, Miss?”
“……It’s nothing.”
Kisa gave an awkward laugh and continued getting ready to go out.
Even while listening to the rather unremarkable performance by the Duchess of Darion, Kisa’s mind was elsewhere. After clapping a few times for the sake of appearances, the prepared pieces were all performed.
“Thank you, everyone. I would especially like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to my husband, who has supported me materially and spiritually in my pursuit of piano.”
Standing on the podium, the Duchess of Darion spoke at length about her husband, as if genuinely happy in her marriage.
“Oh, by the way, I heard that to celebrate National Reading Month, the Royal Library, where my husband serves as director, is holding an event to promote reading culture. Those of you who have the time, please feel free to stop by.”
Kisa thought about the Duchess and Duke of Darion, as well as other noble couples. Most nobles enter loveless marriages; how many of them are truly happy?
In the carriage returning to the Vansfelt mansion, Kisa suddenly felt a sense of confinement. Her beloved home, where she had grown up, strangely felt repulsive.
Then, a building flashed past outside the window. Impulsively, Kisa opened the window and instructed the coachman to change their destination.
A short time later, Kisa entered the Royal Library. Marsha was filled with anxiety because of the Miss’s unscheduled plans, but Kisa had her own justification.
She was merely complying with the Duchess of Darion’s suggestion. And it was Count Vansfelt who had sent his daughter to the recital that had just ended, as a way of currying favor with the Duchess.
With this justification, he wouldn’t say anything.
“You may use the eighth reading room.”
When Kisa said she would be reading books at the library, the librarian assigned her the eighth reading room. One of the exclusive rooms for nobles, it was quiet.
Unless they were looking for extremely rare books, books were generally purchased by nobles. Even if they read books from the library, they usually borrowed them to take home, rather than coming to the reading room.
Kisa settled at a sunlit table and opened the book she had brought from the central reading room. Barth’s Doctrine; it was a book explaining the theory proposed by the philosopher Barth.
[I asked you where you were stupid, didn’t I? Then let me ask you one thing, Kisa. What do you think of Barth’s Doctrine?]
Closing her eyes, Daniel’s words from last night still echoed in her ears.
What was this, that crushed someone’s self-esteem so thoroughly? This insignificant thing.
Kisa muttered to herself, taking in the black letters arrayed on the page.
And time passed. Enough time for the sky, which had been blue when she entered the library, to turn red and then dark.
Huu, Kisa barely suppressed the sob threatening to escape her lips.
But unable to restrain her tears, a few drops traced paths down her cheeks, spotting the paper.
She quickly wiped away the tears from the book and continued reading the passage with blurry vision. Countless words swirled in her head, but few were fully understood.
I don’t understand. No matter how many times I reread it, I don’t understand. Finally, after confirming that no one else was in the eighth reading room, Kisa began to sob uncontrollably.
In fact, similar to Daniel’s betrayal, or perhaps even more so, what had damaged Kisa’s heart was the anxiety that she might be stupid, just as Daniel had said.
She wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t. Kisa had no good reason to claim that she wasn’t stupid.
She felt resentful that she should feel this way. Wasn’t Daniel, not she, clearly in the wrong?
But this book, which she couldn’t even understand a single page of, shamed her.
If she hadn’t been content with the limited teaching provided by her father and nanny, and had pursued more, would things have been different?
If so, could she have answered Daniel’s question fluently and told him that it wasn’t him abandoning her, but her abandoning him?
Sadly, it was an impossible fantasy, and to Daniel and that woman, Kisa was nothing more than a dull and cumbersome presence.
It was when she was weeping incessantly, heartbroken by this fact, that she heard it.
“Why are you crying?”
A voice that shouldn’t have been heard. Kisa spun around, startled by the sound’s origin.
“Oh, did I startle you? I’m sorry.”
A man was leaning against a bookshelf.
“I’ve never seen anyone cry while reading Barth’s Doctrine, so I couldn’t help but speak to you.”
He furrowed his brow slightly and offered a faint smile.
