“Episode 8”
“Don’t expect that. It’s an emotion that doesn’t suit us.”
“…Okay.”
“Then I’ll be going now.”
“…But what you’re holding in your hand is…”
“One of the few things that can help me remember the child. Don’t worry. After today, the child will also be buried in my heart.”
Afraid that even the handkerchief in her possession might be taken away, she hugged it tightly to her chest. Knowing his feelings, Rixio just nodded.
“Yeah… I see.”
“Well then, goodbye.”
In the past, what kind of love did they have? How did they used to look at each other? Watching him gaze at her with a disdainful look, as if he had become someone else, Rixio slowly lowered his head.
Diana looked at his shadowed face and thought to herself.
“In the past, I wished you would look at me even just a little. I wished for any kind of gaze from you… But now, I hope your gaze never falls on me again.”
He, who had caused her so much pain, was the man who had said that a new child would make everything better. As if he didn’t know any of the pain.
Remembering that, Diana turned and walked away. Maybe the present him was different from the future man who had done such things to her. But now, she didn’t even have that expectation.
“Because I’m the only one who will get hurt anyway.”
That’s how she organized her thoughts.
***
When Diana came out, she headed straight to the back shed where the dead child was being cremated. Because she couldn’t ascend to the aristocracy, the ‘daughter’ was burned like other trash.
Thanks to her request to the gardener, the child was cremated alone. Whether the storytelling took a long time or not, when Diana arrived at the shed, the fire that had been burning the child had subsided to some extent.
“Have you come, Madam Bee?”
“Has the child’s remains been taken care of?”
“As you requested, I arranged them in this box. But if the Madam knows about this…”
One of the gardeners, who had been watching the burning child uncomfortably, handed her a small box with an awkward expression.
“Are you going to prevent even this? Everyone wanted me to send the child away myself. Are you trying to prevent the mother from even holding her child’s remains?”
“…No, Madam.”
Only then did the gardener hand her the box, startled. A very shabby box. As small as the child who left the world as soon as he was born, the box containing the child’s remains was also small.
So Diana hugged the box to her chest.
“I’m going to ask you not to follow me. Just for today… because I want to send off the child.”
With her pale, emaciated hands, Diana dug the flower bed as if she had lost her mind. She kept digging and digging for a while until finally enough space was created for the small box. Diana buried the box containing the child’s remains along with the clothes the child had last worn.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry….” Diana, who was born into nobility and rarely touched dirt, couldn’t remove her hands from the dirt-covered box. Tears fell from her eyes like drops onto the back of her hand.
She had thought she would bury the child here, along with her heart. But it wasn’t easy to let go like that.
“Why is God… so cruel?”
If only He had turned back time, He should have given her a way to live with the child. Then it wouldn’t have hurt so much. Diana resented, and resented again. Resented her own weakness. And the future that couldn’t be changed.
Tears, which seemed like they wouldn’t come out dried up, fell heavily. Diana poured out tears for a long time in that place where no one came. What finally brought her back to her senses was the divorce papers Rixio had written.
“But… I’ll still believe those words that you’ll come back. My baby. If you come back, I’ll love you more than anyone else. Please come back… my precious baby. Briana.”
She named the child after the name of God she had always believed in, and sent her off. And she vowed to name the next child the same name, swearing as she slowly covered the box with dirt.
***
Days passed like that.
During that time, Diana seemed to have undergone a change in her mindset. From early in the morning, she was busy preparing to go out. It took three days just to prepare herself emotionally to let go of the child.
And now that it was over, Diana felt at a loss as to what to do next. She suddenly touched the pendant of Briana, still hanging around her neck.
The miraculous medal that she always wore, unless there was something special going on.
“If there’s no path, I’ll have to start by finding the path that made everything like this in the first place.”
The reason for the regression. And it was a priority to find out who the person was that the gods had instructed her to find.
“Are you planning to go out?”
Elen, who had always watched over Diana’s daily life, looked silently at Diana, who was different from usual. After losing the child, Diana had always worn only black dresses, which she never wore, but she found a white dress today.
So Ellen spoke to her first.
“Yes.”
“Where are you going? I’ll make preparations.”
Diana’s face, which was wilting like a flower that would never bloom again, changed slightly.
“To the temple.”
“When you say temple… which temple are you planning to go to?”
“To the Briana Temple.”
“Do you mean the place where there are hardly any mourners?”
“How dare someone speak to my mistress in such a manner. But since it was a common occurrence, Ellen lightly teased her as if she didn’t know what she was saying.
In the past, Diana would have shown no reaction to such occurrences she had always faced. But now, she slightly furrowed her brows. Only then did Ellen quickly bow her head.
“I’ll make preparations as ordered.”
“…Fine.”
Diana, understanding such a reaction, watched Ellen as she quickly left after changing her clothes, then shifted her gaze to the window.
The imperial religion worshipped Augustus, the Creator God. Although they didn’t reject or disdain other beliefs, the minority religions had little power due to the majority following the same religion.
Among them, Briana was the least popular deity. Briana, who became a god by transcending human form. But Diana liked the myth of Briana.
The myth of a human who became a god without any power.
“If I meet you, my god… will you give me an answer?”
Now, what should I do? Diana headed to the temple, knowing she couldn’t easily get an answer from the god.
The pre-prepared carriage rushed towards the destination even though she didn’t say anything. Ellen, who unexpectedly came out, frowned uncomfortably.
In the past, Diana would have looked at Ellen’s actions, or rather, everyone’s actions in the Ducal Palace. But Diana suddenly felt a sense of unease. Her actions had always been kind to everyone, showing herself as a model for everyone as the Duchess. Diana smiled wryly and shook her head as she looked out the window.
“No one pays attention to me anyway. How foolish I was.”
She gnawed on her lips. Memories of the past filled her mind. But there was nothing Diana could do now.
Diana’s world was completely dark, with no visible future. Yet she continued to walk step by step to survive. Just like now.
The carriage from the Ducal Palace carrying Diana quickly arrived at the Briana Temple. The Briana Temple was located far from the imperial capital.
“Madame, we’ve arrived.”
Only after hearing the coachman’s voice did Diana look out the window. A very small temple. It was so small that if you didn’t know the exact location, you wouldn’t even know it was there. The nearby beautiful trees grew untended, their branches growing freely.
“Are you sure you want to go here?”
Ellen, who got off the carriage first, complained uncomfortably. The temple gave off a dreary and desolate feeling at first glance. It felt like an abandoned mansion where no one lived.
