If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

Until then, I didn’t feel much guilt towards Sylvia. I was only concerned about whether she remembered the incident or not. Fortunately, it seemed that Sylvia couldn’t even remember the sound of the gunshot.

 

Once I was relieved, I could return to my usual self. I expressed my condolences to Sylvia and encouraged her will to live, as I had learned throughout my life. Despite the lack of genuine emotion in my words, they seemed to resonate deeply with her.

 

Sylvia held my hand and shed tears on the back of my hand. She thanked me profusely. It was a cruel irony. She treated me like a benefactor, not knowing that I was the real enemy in front of her.

 

At that moment, a terrible sense of guilt and self-loathing overwhelmed me. It was a huge and intense emotion that I had never felt before. I couldn’t even look at Sylvia straight and shed tears. Even though she was confused and tried to comfort me, I couldn’t lift my head.

 

The first time I realized human emotions that I hadn’t known for a long time was right after committing such an inhuman crime. Could there be a more cruel paradox than this?

 

Maybe at that moment, I should have confessed to Sylvia what I had done. But I was too cowardly for that. I couldn’t bear the thought of her being shocked by my brutal betrayal and hating me. So I decided to atone for Sylvia in a different way. That’s why I sponsored Sylvia.

 

When Sylvia realized that she had a life in her belly, she was even more grateful to me. She said that if it weren’t for me, the baby wouldn’t have been born, and she even asked me to name the baby. Eleanor was the name I gave her.

 

I robbed that child of her father, relatives, and ordinary life. Yet, Eleanor looked at me with grateful and affectionate eyes as if I were her own father. Every time I met her innocent eyes, I had to suffer terrible pain.

 

But that time was better. As Eleanor grew up, she began to distance herself from me and draw a line. The reason was obvious. She recognized me as a person who should not be close because of the rumors spread in the world.

 

Eleanor thought that her existence was bothering me. No matter how much I told her that it wasn’t, and that she didn’t need to think that way, her thoughts didn’t change.

 

After Sylvia died, Eleanor refused all the sponsorship I proposed. She was determined to live alone without going to social circles or getting married at the age of just sixteen.

 

I had no way to break Eleanor’s stubbornness. But I couldn’t bear to leave her alone in loneliness and unhappiness.

 

So I wrote such a will.

 

I expected the family’s opposition to be strong. But I thought you would have to accept it if I made the inheritance of the duke a condition. The reason for setting a one-year deadline was that otherwise, I thought you would find a way to invalidate the will itself. The reason I insisted on sending this letter a year later was for the same reason.

 

Eleanor is a wise, dignified, and kind-hearted child. She lacks nothing to be a better duchess than Edith. Having spent a year married to her, I believe you must have realized this fact.

 

Despite the unforgivable sins I committed against Sylvia and Eleanor, I was saved by them. I believe Eleanor must have melted your frozen heart.

 

If possible, I hope you continue your marriage with Eleanor. I wish her happiness, and I hope you are the one to give it to her.

 

But that’s just my wish. What to do now is entirely up to you.

 

Lastly, I want to apologize to you. Please do not forgive me for passing on my atonement to you, for my cowardice in confessing everything only after my death, and for never being your salvation even though I am your father.

 

Still, the only one I can confess everything to and rely on is you.

 

Please take care of Eleanor and the younger ones.

 

Frederick.]

 

Daryl put down the letter with trembling hands. He was overwhelmed several times with the urge to crumple the letter and throw it into the fireplace. It was a miracle that he read it to the end.

 

He never dared to think that there would be such a secret. It would have been better if his father had simply had an affair with Sylvia.

 

There was no fault at all with Eleanor. As his father confessed himself, it was entirely his fault that Eleanor’s life was ruined.

 

Yet Daryl only treated her as a nuisance and was indifferent. He proposed a contractual marriage to Eleanor due to his circumstances, but he was not even faithful as a contract partner.

 

The words Daryl had spoken so far came back to him like a dagger and pierced his body. It seemed less painful to actually be stabbed with a knife and bleed profusely.

 

The most desperate thing was that Daryl had no right to harbor such feelings for Eleanor. Until just before reading the letter, Daryl still wanted Eleanor. He wished she would become his wife again. He felt like he could do anything if he could prevent the divorce.

 

But he couldn’t anymore. Since his father had done such a terrible thing to Eleanor and her mother, Daryl couldn’t dare to wish Eleanor to stay by his side.

 

If it was entirely his karma, there was still a chance to atone. But this, he couldn’t even ask her for forgiveness.

 

Daryl covered his face with his hands. What should he do with these feelings? The terrible guilt that made him feel like dying would be easier, and yet he still yearned for her.

 

A sob that couldn’t form into words burst out. Tears filled his palms and began to flow down his wrists.

 

Daryl wept endlessly, huddled alone in the room left behind.

 

****

 

Daryl stayed locked in his office all day and did not come out. The same was true the next day. Even when Herbert came to talk to him several times, he didn’t even look at him. Layla also canceled all her schedules and was lethargic. The entire mansion seemed to be shrouded in a dense fog of depression.

 

That evening, Herbert visited Daryl’s office again. Knowing that there would be no answer, he didn’t even wait after knocking.

 

Herbert was holding a painting covered with cloth. But Daryl didn’t even glance at it. Herbert walked over silently and put the picture on the desk.

 

“Among the things the Madam asked me to burn, I found this. I thought you should see it.”

 

When Daryl didn’t respond, Herbert removed the cloth covering the painting. Then, focus returned to Daryl’s hazy eyes for a moment.

 

It was the portrait of Daryl. It seemed unfinished, with parts incomplete. In the picture, Daryl was smiling gently, slightly lowering his eyes. Anyone who knew Daryl would know that he would never make such an expression. But Eleanor painted Daryl like that.

 

Did Daryl ever reflect like that in Eleanor’s eyes, even for a moment? If so, was there still hope until she painted that picture? If Daryl had realized his stupidity and mistakes a little earlier, could their future have been different?

 

Daryl reached out to the painting without realizing it. But before his fingertips could touch it, a quick realization came.

 

He had no right to want Eleanor. Nothing could change that truth now. A single tear ran down Daryl’s cheek. Herbert closed his eyes as if in pain. He bowed his head and turned to leave the room.

 

“…Herbert.”

 

His voice was terribly cracked. Herbert hurriedly turned around.

 

“Yes, Master. Please speak.”

 

“Call Philip.”

 

“Yes, understood, Master.”

 

After a while, Philip came in.

 

“Did you call me, Duke?”

 

“Where is the divorce notice?”

 

“…..”

 

Philip hesitated, unable to read the intention of the question. Daryl quietly repeated his words.

 

“Bring it.”

 

Philip showed a moment of hesitation, but brought the divorce notice as instructed. There were signs of it being crumpled, but thanks to Philip’s efforts, it was fairly straightened out. Daryl looked down at the divorce notice for a moment with his mouth shut, then picked up the pen. And he wrote something with a faintly trembling hand.

 

Philip received the divorce notice back from Daryl and slightly widened his eyes. There was a signature next to Daryl’s name, which had always been blank.

 

“…..”

 

Many words came to mind, but in the end, he couldn’t utter any of them. Philip gathered the divorce notice and left the office.

 

Daryl’s gaze, which had been fixed on the desk, slowly moved to the portrait he had placed next to him. He picked up the portrait and held it in his arms. As if holding a precious person, a woman he could never touch or reach again.