If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

“…Can’t you reconsider?”

 

“Why?”

 

She reflexively asked, and then belatedly felt a surge of anger. Why on earth was Daryl saying this now? By what right, by what audacity? The events of the past year, the things he said to her, passed through her mind one by one. Each and every one of them was a memory she could never forget, even if she tried.

 

“You’re the one who said a formal marriage would suffice. You’re the one who proposed in the first place, brought a contract stipulating a divorce after a year, and forced me to agree by mentioning the favor I owed to the late Duke.”

 

“…Eleanor. At that time, I…”

 

“You’re the one who told me not to delude myself into thinking I’d become a real duchess just because I’d entered the ducal house. You’re the one who told me to live as if I were dead for a year, and indeed treated me as if I didn’t exist for the entire time.”

 

“…”

 

“It was a lonelier and more solitary life than when I lived alone at Townsend Manor, but I endured. Because it was a promise. Because I saw it as my duty to the late Duke and compensation for the inconvenience I unintentionally caused you. That’s why I endured. Because it was just one year. I can’t, and don’t want to, endure any longer.”

 

She had been holding my breath almost without breathing, and she felt nauseous. Eleanor put her hand on her chest and pressed hard.

 

‘It’s okay. This is the end. The real end. Just bear with it this time, please…’

 

She didn’t want to have a fit in front of Daryl anymore. He was now meaningless to Eleanor. He couldn’t have any influence on her. He had to be that way.

 

Eleanor caught her breath and continued speaking.

 

“Please leave now.”

 

“…..”

 

“If you don’t leave, I will.”

 

“…Eleanor.”

 

Daryl staggered over and grabbed Eleanor’s wrist.

 

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

 

“……”

 

This time, Eleanor had no choice but to doubt her ears. Daryl was apologizing. A man who had never once said he was sorry, not to Eleanor or anyone else, a man who seemed unlikely to have ever apologized in his life, was doing so.

 

Even on the day when he ignored Eleanor’s desperate plea and broke his promise, he didn’t apologize.

 

As she recalled that memory, her chest burned with a fierce fire. Eleanor unknowingly bit her lip hard.

 

“Just reconsider one more time. You don’t have to answer right now. At least stay in the mansion for one more day… have dinner together… spend the night. Then give me your answer. If your heart doesn’t change then, I won’t hold you back. So just one more day. Please stay just one more day. I beg you.”

It was a desperate voice, unlike Daryl.

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“…Eleanor.”

 

“Do you remember the last time I asked you for something? Do you remember?”

 

“…..”

 

“That day, I waited for you from dawn. But you didn’t show up even when the sun rose, passed mid-sky, and completely disappeared. You didn’t show up until midnight, and your clothes were full of another woman’s perfume.”

 

Daryl’s face turned even paler.

 

“…Eleanor, no. That…”

 

“Couldn’t you at least have changed your clothes? Couldn’t you at least have had the decency to prevent me from smelling that scent? I waited for you all day. Did you even remember that promise? Did you ever wonder what that day meant to me?”

 

“…..”

 

Daryl couldn’t answer anything. Eleanor smiled, lifting the corners of her lips. It was a mockery she had never made to anyone, not even once in her life.

 

‘So this is what it feels like. It’s so exhilarating. So that’s why you laughed at me like that.’

 

“Why should I have to listen to your request? For you, who never once respected me as a wife?”

 

“…..”

 

Eleanor pulled away from Daryl’s hand holding her wrist. Daryl’s arm, which was twice as thick as Eleanor’s, fell weakly as if it were a paper doll.

 

Eleanor left the room that way. And she never looked back.

 

****

 

The next morning, Eleanor finalized her contract with Daryl, accompanied by the lawyer, Palmer. Despite being notified in advance, Daryl did not show up in the end. Philip had to act as his representative.

 

“Have you signed the divorce papers?”

 

“…Not yet.”

 

“Please process it within three days and send it to Loud. Tell Daryl not to bother me. Otherwise, I’ll have to hire a separate lawyer.”

 

“…”

 

Eleanor finished speaking and stood up from her seat. She had said all she had to say. There was no reason for her to stay in this house any longer.

 

As Eleanor left with Emily, she saw dozens of servants standing in silence. There were not this many even when Daryl returned home. Herbert approached Eleanor, who was blinking in surprise.

 

“…Madam.”

 

His voice was somber.

 

“Don’t call me that. I’m no longer the mistress of this house.”

 

“…..”

 

Herbert furrowed his brows and closed his eyes. After a few seconds, he slowly opened them again.

 

“I hope you live in good health and peace. Truly.”

 

“Thank you, Herbert.”

 

Eleanor quietly smiled. Herbert stepped back. As their eyes met, the servants bowed one by one. Among them was Matilda, the head maid.

 

Layla was nowhere to be seen. When Eleanor went to say her final goodbye yesterday, Layla had left her seat, her eyes red, barely accepting the farewell.

 

Thinking of Layla made Eleanor a little bitter. But that bitterness was nothing compared to the overwhelming relief and exhilaration she felt now.

 

The luggage was already loaded onto the carriage. All she had to do was get on. As Eleanor turned to say her last goodbye, there was someone running towards her from inside the mansion. It was Daryl. Daryl’s face was flushed. It wasn’t just because he had run. Judging by his unfocused eyes and unsteady body, he was undoubtedly drunk.

 

“Master.”

 

Herbert hurriedly ran to Daryl. But Daryl roughly pushed Herbert away and approached Eleanor.

 

“Master. This is not right!”

 

At Herbert’s gesture, two burly servants rushed over. They were the same servants who had chased Cecilia away yesterday. But Eleanor slightly shook her head to stop Herbert.

 

Daryl’s face was terribly haggard overnight. His skin was pale, and his eyes were as dark as a dead man’s. Daryl looked at Eleanor with a gloomy expression.

 

“Are you really leaving?”

 

His voice was low and hoarse.

 

“Yes.”

 

“…Why?”

 

“Why? That’s our contract…”

 

Daryl cut off Eleanor’s words and continued.

 

“If you stay in this house, you can have everything. Money, power, honor, everything everyone wants is yours. But why? Why on earth…”

 

Daryl muttered almost inaudibly……leave me.

 

“Why…would you go? Why would you go back to that old…shabby house, and choose to live in poverty like before? Why would you choose such a life for yourself? I… I’ll give you everything, I’ll give you everything…why…”

 

It didn’t even seem like he was talking to Eleanor anymore. Daryl mumbled in a barely audible voice, then suddenly staggered and fell to his knees. The servants standing behind him quickly supported him.

 

“Tell me, Eleanor…what’s the reason…”

 

There was even a small sob in Daryl’s voice. Eleanor looked at Daryl quietly and opened her mouth.

 

“You don’t know anything about me.”

 

Daryl looked up blankly and stared at Eleanor.

 

“Really…..you don’t know anything.”

 

Eleanor had never once thought she was unhappy.

 

A year ago, when Daryl proposed a contract marriage, she wasn’t lying when she said she was satisfied with her life. Eleanor loved the name Townsend, the mansion her mother left her, the servants who cared for and supported her, including Peggy, and above all, a life where she could have ‘her own things’.

 

A woman was always someone’s daughter or someone’s wife. It was a world where most women couldn’t survive without relying on a man.

 

Everyone thought that the scandal had ruined Eleanor’s life, but in fact, it was the opposite. Eleanor considered herself lucky. If it weren’t for that rumor, she would have ended up spending her life moving from one man’s house to another, living under someone else’s name. Eleanor was able to live with the people she loved, in her own house, with her own money. Could there be another life as special and blessed as this?

 

The only burden on her heart was that she couldn’t repay the favor she owed to the late Duke. But now that her contract with Daryl was over, she no longer had such regrets.

 

Eleanor looked at Daryl and smiled brightly. It was a more beautiful smile than any Daryl had ever seen.

 

“I was so happy when I lived in Loud. And I’m happy now. Because I’m about to go back there.”

 

“…..”

 

The light disappeared from Daryl’s eyes. Eleanor stood up straight and bent her knees slightly.

 

“Goodbye, Duke. I hope we never meet again.”

 

He had heard the same words from Eleanor seven years ago. But unlike then, there was no anger or hatred in Eleanor’s eyes as she looked at Daryl now. Her gaze was extremely calm and clear. Even a pebble on the ground would have more emotion than that.

 

Leaving Daryl frozen in place, Eleanor turned around and got into the carriage.

 

And she left him without any regrets, like a bird spreading its wings to regain its freedom.