If I was Going to Regret It Anyway

There were other reasons why Daryl couldn’t approach Eleanor.

 

Since that day, it had become painful for him to see her. The desire that had surged within him during the brief moments they had touched never faded, no matter how much time passed.

 

Every time they met two or three times a day, every time Eleanor smiled and greeted him, every time she passed by him leaving a faint scent, and every time he couldn’t take his eyes off her receding figure, Daryl was consumed by a strong urge to satisfy his desires.

 

It was such a powerful impulse that he wondered if something was wrong with him.

Feeling lust for his wife might be natural and harmless for someone else, but it wasn’t for Daryl. Daryl and Eleanor were prohibited from having a marital relationship by contract. He was angry at the unnecessary clause, but it was his own decision.

 

One night, he couldn’t resist his desire and let out a moan. It had been so long since he had felt that way since the day he first opened his eyes to sex. Afterward, he cursed himself with self-loathing. The worst part was that his desire for Eleanor didn’t subside.

 

He tried to satisfy himself through other women. As before, it was too easy to seduce someone for a one-night stand. He carefully chose a woman who wouldn’t cause problems later and even went to bed with her. But as soon as he decided to do it, his desire inside him cooled down unbelievably quickly. There were many nights when he just left without doing anything.

 

At first, he thought it didn’t matter since he had achieved his goal. But when he returned to the mansion and saw Eleanor welcoming him, the desire he thought had disappeared resurfaced. He felt like he was going crazy. It was difficult to even face her with a smile. He thought it couldn’t be done, but he tried to control his words and expressions as much as possible.

 

His temper was all expressed to Herbert. That was why Herbert couldn’t even say “El” in front of Daryl these days.

 

He even thought about just closing his eyes and attacking her, regardless of the contract. As time went on, it became clear that the reason his desire was growing was that it had never been fulfilled even once. No matter how formal it was, legally, Eleanor was Daryl’s wife. There was no problem with having sex with his wife.

 

However, such thoughts didn’t last longer than a momentary impulse. He couldn’t imagine that a woman who showed a repulsive reaction just by being alone with him could accept such behavior.

 

So he continued to drink, smoke, and have sleepless nights.

 

***

 

One day, after several months, Daryl went to see Esmeralda. He had completely cut off contact with her since she mentioned Eleanor and irritated him.

 

In fact, he didn’t really want to hold Esmeralda again. It was just a feeling of grasping at straws. For three years, there was no woman who knew how to stimulate or control Daryl’s desires as well as she did.

 

“Your Grace.”

 

Esmeralda was surprised to see Daryl and her eyes showed a hint of complex emotions, but she soon wrapped her arms around his neck with a seductive smile.

 

“I’ve been waiting for you. I thought you wouldn’t come anymore.”

 

As her sweet voice whispered in his ear, his body reacted as if it were a habit. So he thought it would work out. However, when he stripped Esmeralda naked and threw her onto the bed, his desire was broken like a lie. Her body was still perfect, and her skills in provoking and seducing men were still intact. But now, it all feels meaningless.

 

“Your Grace? What’s wrong?”

 

Esmeralda asked while lying under Daryl’s body. Daryl got up without saying a word and straightened his disheveled clothes.

 

“Your Grace?”

 

“I thought it would be okay, but it wasn’t.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I think it’s time to sort out this relationship.”

 

At his dry words, Esmeralda didn’t say anything.

 

“You can keep this house as it is. But from now on, even if we meet elsewhere, don’t pretend to know me. And there’s no need to mention anything beyond that.”

 

Daryl put on all his clothes and left the bedroom. Then, he heard Esmeralda’s voice from behind.

 

“My birthday is in two weeks.”

 

In two weeks, it will be June 18th.

 

Daryl turned to look at Esmeralda. She was lying in bed, pulling the sheets up to her chest, looking up at him with calm eyes.

 

“So?”

 

“I want the last gift from Your Grace.”

 

Did she want a settlement? It wasn’t an outrageous request, considering they had been together for over three years. Daryl thought it was unlikely that Esmeralda would do such a thing, but he couldn’t completely rule out the possibility of a tiresome outcome if he refused.

 

“Tell me what you want.”

 

“I’d like a jewel. Something I can always wear.”

 

It was a clever choice typical of Esmeralda. The value of a jewel varied greatly depending on the item. Depending on the type, a single necklace or ring could be enough to secure a fortune.

 

Daryl had the feeling that Esmeralda had anticipated this situation long ago and prepared accordingly.

 

“Tell me what you have in mind.”

 

“I don’t have anything.”

 

“Nothing?”

 

Daryl’s eyes narrowed. He had expected her to name a jeweler right away.

 

“Yes. I’d like Your Grace to choose for me. Something that suits me.”

 

Daryl looked at Esmeralda in silence for a moment. But it was impossible to read her intentions from her gaze or expression.

 

“It would save us both time if you just told me what you want.”

 

“I told you what I want. I want a jewel that Your Grace has chosen for me. You’ve always told me to buy whatever I want, but you’ve never given me a gift that you bought yourself. I want to have at least one of those, since it’s the last time. I don’t care how much it costs.”

 

“What’s the point of that?”

 

At Daryl’s cold question, Esmeralda gave a bitter smile.

 

“…It means something to me.”

 

Her desolate expression and voice, so unlike her, reminded him of someone else who wasn’t there. It was Eleanor.

 

[I really enjoyed today. I’ll cherish it as a good memory.]

 

In response to the words that it would be okay to come out again, she, who had been shaking her head quietly that time, and the current Esmeralda were very similar. Despite being completely different, even to the point where it would be okay to say that their appearance and atmosphere were the exact opposite.

 

Maybe that’s why. Although he could have laughed it off, Daryl couldn’t refuse Esmeralda’s request.

 

“Alright. I’ll have the item sent here directly.”

 

“…Yes.”

 

It was when Daryl was walking towards the bedroom door and grabbed the doorknob.

 

“Your Grace.”

 

At Esmeralda’s call, Daryl silently stared at her. Esmeralda seemed to be choosing her words for a while, then finally dropped her gaze.

 

“…It’s nothing.”

 

“……”

 

Daryl opened the door and left Esmeralda’s bedroom. He was certain he would never return here again.

 

****

 

A few days later, Daryl remembered while he was in town for work and found a jeweler.

 

In fact, he didn’t have to take Esmeralda’s request literally. It would have been enough to instruct Philip to buy a suitable item. After all, she had no way of knowing the truth. But there was an inexplicable reluctance to do so.

 

It was not because he had any lingering feelings for Esmeralda. It was just that her expression at that moment had strangely stayed in his mind. It felt like it would leave a bad aftertaste if he just let it go. That was all.

 

“Welcome. What are you looking for?”

 

“I’d like to see some gifts.”

 

“Do you have a specific type or price range in mind?”

 

“It doesn’t matter, just recommend anything.”

 

“It would be easier for us to show you if you could specify at least a price range…”

 

“I said it doesn’t matter.”

 

At Daryl’s blunt reply, the middle-aged jeweler owner smiled awkwardly. Then a young clerk who had been watching from the side came over and whispered something in the owner’s ear. The owner’s eyes widened. He looked at the clerk as if to confirm if it was true, and the clerk nodded vigorously.

 

“I apologize for the inconvenience. If it’s alright with you, may I take you to the room inside?”